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Reconciliation
User Topic: 5 months out and the fighting begins.
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Not fights about the A, but more like the everyday married life battles about household responsibilities, etc. The difference is, now I'm filled with rage and disgust and hurt and mistrust and WH is just plain frustrated. This is making these normal types of battles into epic world wars. I don't know how we're going to get through this stuff. We were always poor at handling disagreements and now it's just plain ugly. And our two little boys get to be witnesses to it all. Neither of us want to be doing this, but how do we stop? How do we break old bad habits, especially now that we've got infidelity piled onto the heap of emotional crap? And now, even though last nights battle is essentially over, WH is acting weird and I'm consumed with the thought that he's already reestablished contact with OW, or is planning it, or just wishing he left me. This needs to get easier, not harder.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

We learned this stuff in MC. Have you gone?

I'm sorry you are in this place. It was a pretty big deal for us to learn to communicate more effectively. I became super open and honest with him about how I feel diminished in a number of ways when he doesn't pull his weight in the running of our home. It isn't MY job. It is OUR job. He stepped up, I compromised on other things. 6 years later, we never fight about this kind of stuff.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Are you guys in MC? IC? That helped us with communication in such a huge way. In fact I credit our therapist with saving our marriage due to helping us communicate.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

This needs to get easier, not harder.
in a perfect world, yes, but in our world it's the opposite. It gets harder before it gets easier. Are either of you in IC? What about MC? How are you and your H working on the M?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5975 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

We are in IC and MC, but we really haven't started working on things like this yet. I guess it's time. So far the focus has been almost entirely on the A, my healing, and WH's health issues. Time to get down to the nitty gritty I guess. I think this is especially hard because the things we're fighting about presently (household chores) were one of the things WH bashed me about to OW, apparently a justification for the A. Or just a way for WH and OW to make themselves feel better for what they were doing - I wasn't doing the dishes often enough, with a newborn, a two year old, and a sick husband - hence I should be betrayed.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

So you have triggers about it on top of all the crap. Have you shared that with him? I think you are probably feeling doubly upset on the subject and he likely hasn't put that together on his own.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you are in this place. It was a pretty big deal for us to learn to communicate more effectively. I became super open and honest with him about how I feel diminished in a number of ways when he doesn't pull his weight in the running of our home. It isn't MY job. It is OUR job. He stepped up, I compromised on other things. 6 years later, we never fight about this kind of stuff.

Rebreather - This gives me so much hope. Thank you. We can't get to work on this fast enough. I had brought up MC in the past simply for this problem alone - terrible communication skills when in an argument. Now it's just abysmal. Christ I can just see us surviving the infidelity but getting a D over dishes.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

So you have triggers about it on top of all the crap. Have you shared that with him? I think you are probably feeling doubly upset on the subject and he likely hasn't put that together on his own.

Nope, I haven't told him. I suppose that would probably be a good idea, right? It just seems like at this point he doesn't even want to hear it. But I will talk to him about it more tonight. Hopefully it can just be talk and not war.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

We are in the same place in our home. Our MC has been really helpful in identifying some of our issues and although they still flare up we are getting better with noticing them and trying to get on to a better path when we argue. We've been reading Hold Me Tight but Sue Johnson lately and it has also helped us identify things that put us back into old patterns.

But it is hard. It is hard trying to figure out a new way to deal with each other. It is hard having the affair looming over the process. It is hard stopping behavior that feels so right to us individually but is so damaging to the other person. This would have been so much easier if WH had suggested MC instead of finding OW. But here we are. It is nice to know we are not alone but it is also sad to know that there are so many other people struggling too.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Nope, I haven't told him. I suppose that would probably be a good idea, right? It just seems like at this point he doesn't even want to hear it. But I will talk to him about it more tonight. Hopefully it can just be talk and not war.

Yup. If I may, I would suggest a gentle delivery. Soft tone, as neutral as possible. "I've been thinking about your fight and how hard this is on both of us and how we seem to drift back into these old, harmful patterns. I discovered something about myself that I would like to share with you, as it may be helpful." yada yada yada

Soft tone. It's a discussion. Not a battle. In marriage, nobody wins when there is a war. Find a way for you both to come out of the conversation winners. No need to accuse him, etc. It just is what it is. The facts. Part of the reason your reaction is so strong is because of x,y,z. and it will be helpful for him to know that so that he can better understand you and know how to respond positively.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

MC and IC for sure. FOR SURE!

In MC the first thing she had us do as an exercise was write down our wants and needs.
Needs are deal breakers. I NEED you to have NC with the AP. I NEED you to talk honestly with me about what is troubling you, I NEED you to hold me when I am crying.

He has them, you have them. Write them down, share them. If the list is long break them up and work on a few each week.

a justification for the A....I wasn't doing the dishes often enough, with a newborn, a two year old, and a sick husband - hence I should be betrayed

Are those your words or his? I don't care how many dishes are in the sink- does not justify betraying your spouse.

Good luck naivewife.
LA


PS: I highly recommend the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think we read that approx. 4 to 5 months post DDay. When you have the kids, the work, the long hours and then throw in an A, you really need to learn how to speak the other's love language.

Finally Kids are changed by watching their parents fight.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Are those your words or his? I don't care how many dishes are in the sink- does not justify betraying your spouse.

WH knows that now, but at the time he seemed to think it was at least worth getting sympathy and probably a BJ from OW. And she agreed that she noticed some dust in the corners of the bathroom floor, so yes, indeed, she should fuck my husband guilt free. She then went on, at our home, to talk about how she just loved to clean house and if she could she'd clean all day long (she can, she's unemployed with no family).
Thank you everyone. I now have my first major non-A goal for IC and MC.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 12