SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: what if?
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

knowing what you know now in your NB, How many of you would have wanted R if your WS had been genuinely remorseful.

Its weird...but I actually feel a smidge guilty b/c I'm glad my X wasn't truly remorseful. I was all in for trying to R in the beginning. Looking back I'm relieved that he wasn't genuine.

Anyone else feel conflicted about the fact that you're glad your X wasn't actually remorseful? How weird am I with this?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Not me. My exwh was a dick. His cheating was just the cherry on top


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

lieshurt --

yeah mine is just a dysfunctional-functional alcoholic

i suppose it would be different if we were hostile towards one another. We're actually friendly. Nothing excuses his cheating but I have to admit I was pretty awful for a good stretch of the M. Very selfish and hurtful to him in a lot of ways. Cheating is his fault. The disasterous state of the M was both of our fault.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Remorsefulness would have been a good start.

For me to want him back now, he'd have to have had a full frontal lobotomy and a penal transplant seeing I would have no idea where that thing has been.

In all seriousness (cuz I know you did have a serious reason for asking), I really don't think he would have been able to do the work required. You and I share alcoholic X's, hexed, and as you know, fighting addiction is and of itself a losing battle.

Though for our kids, I wish he had made better choices.

AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:30 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Not for a moment.

When I still talked about the divorce regularly, I frequently found myself telling people that the biggest favor my ex ever did was to be a big enough jerk to push me into therapy and then leave me the hell alone.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Oh yeah, I had always wished that my ex-h had been truly remorseful and actually cared that he had FAMILY. I've mentioned before we never had a terrible marriage, so yeah if he had been truly remorseful, and SINCERE about repairing the family, etc. I would have taken him back.

Now, its a moot point. It never happened and its way beyond ever wishing something like that.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

he'd have to have had a full front lobotomy and a penal transplant seeing I would have no idea where that thing has been.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I would have but mainly because we have a child together.

I wish I got genuine remorse... Mine was hoping I would accept sorry, forget that it happened and let him be "friends" with his AP
He said counseling was abnormal and he wouldn't subject himself to that. Oh how the way wards must protect their ego.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I don't think I made myself quite clear.

I'm glad he wasn't remorseful. I like things better now. If he had been remorseful, well I'd still be with him...yeah...not liking that idea so much.

skip the penis transplant. i got an arm candy transplant with better penis


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

whoops, yeah I guess I mis-read your question.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I don’t really know how to answer this. If he was capable of remorse he would be a different person, one I never met.

I’m happy with my decision to D. Happy with my NB. Happy to have traded some naiveté for wisdom.

I really have no desire to relive any portion of my life. Live and learn. I’m a linear gal, onward and upward!


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3450 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I feel like my XWH really saved me a lot more pain by having a very short time between the second Dday and him filing for D.

I know he would not have made the effort required for a full R. I think if we had stayed together I would have ended up being miserable.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7742 | Registered: Aug 2005
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Not me. My exwh was a dick. His cheating was just the cherry on top

This.

But seriously, I wonder how things could have turned out if he'd been truly remorseful and dedicated to R, if it would have been better for the bunch. But like Cres said, that would have made him a different person altogether.

I'm glad we're D. One of the best decisions ever for me and the bunch overall.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15414 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I just feel some guilt over being happy that he didn't really try to work on 'us'.

life is better now. i don't think it ever would have been with him.

i guess idealized the concept of R. i placed a really high value on repairing our M. each false R was so devestating I can't believe i'm here now, relieved he didn't really want R.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I'm a bit conflicted about this. What I know now is that he doesn't have it in him to pull himself out of his depression. He will always take the easy way out. He will always be a KISA. I am glad that I will not have to take care of him in his old age, as he will probably have a stroke at some point because he does not take care of his health. That makes me feel like I took the easy way out...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

If my xWH had truly been remorseful, then yes, I would still say I would want R despite what I have now. I would not claim to say my life is better now. It's good, but in a different way. Is my life better than with xWH as he was?? Yes, of course. But better than if he had chosen to be real ... I can't say that.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3123 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

My life is so much better now, it's almost unbelievable. I'm happier now than I was at any point during my relationship with him. At the time, I thought I was happy, but I realize now how much he was dragging me down...from the beginning.

I married him way too young (20 when we met, 22 when we married) and we are fundamentally incompatible people.

I would go one step further. Not only am I so happy that we didn't attempt to reconcile (he refused to sign a post-nup with favorable terms to me if he cheated again) but I am also happy that he cheated as I never would have divorced him otherwise, and I would have just existed, getting increasingly frustrated with myself and my life. I'm pretty sure I would have become an alcoholic to deal with the underlying stress of living with him.

I do feel bad for him. With the combination of his terrible genes and terrible childhood, he didn't stand much of a chance.

I don't feel guilty at all.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I am definitely relieved now, and rather happy about it, that R with ex didn't work out. Because I would have stayed married to him for the rest of my life. And there's so much I would have missed out on.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I've said many times I'm thankful he destroyed our marriage so thoroughly. If I thought there was anything to save, I probably would have kept trying, but he made sure there was nothing.

And, I'm so glad. I'm so much happier now than I ever was with him, and happier than i think I ever could have been.

I knew ex wasn't right for me when we got married, but, I said I do, and I intended to stick it out. He made it impossible, so, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad he cheated. He let me go, with no guilt on my part.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4491 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I am grateful that he wasn't. I would have felt obligated to at least try to work on the marriage if he was and would have wasted even more time trying to do the impossible, make him happy with himself.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Also very grateful that I got to experience this second life of williesmom.

He had depression and multiple medical issues and addictions. He never could have been the person that I needed him to be. He never was the person that I needed him to be.

I needed a partner in this life - not a parasite.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Oh my ex was very sorry and remorseful. He was sorry he got caught! He would love to get back together unfortunately he can't stop utilizing prostitutes and he never will. He is in very poor health now. He's old, broke, and beat down. Probably contracted every STD out there. So no, no way would I want him back!


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

For me to want him back now, he'd have to have had a full frontal lobotomy and a penal transplant seeing I would have no idea where that thing has been.
You go ajsmom!!

LMAO!!!!!

[This message edited by Got2GO at 7:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I have to admit... I'm also glad that he wasn't. I had no idea how unhappy I was in our marriage until I moved into my own house. The headaches, dizziness, tingling sensations in my face/back, lack of sleep/poor sleep... all disappeared.

I don't feel at all conflicted. It was apparently just what the doctor ordered!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Hmmm. Honestly, if I'm really being truthful...if ex had dealt with everything correctly...I would have R'd and stayed. I have accomplished a ton in my NB, don't get me wrong, but not the life I wanted. I wanted the white picket fence, intact family, to pursue my art, be in the life that I created for myself the 17 years I was with ex.

I moved on because I had to, not because I wanted to. It is hard to explain.

Maybe my answer would be different if I had met a great guy...but I haven't.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

The first year I lived in complete shock that we weren't worth fighting for in his eyes. It was hard to accept.

Once I got past that and had some SI experience under my belt I realized how grateful I was for that.

AJ's mom statement could have been mine:

I really don't think he would have been able to do the work required. You and I share alcoholic X's, hexed, and as you know, fighting addiction is and of itself a losing battle.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Stbx was as remorseful as he was able, but he couldn't get past his personality flaws. So even though I the best R chance possible, I am so much happier living without a man. If I never date, this is better than waiting on a man to get his act together.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Its about the guilt I feel b/c I'm glad we couldn't R.

I am happy he sucked at R.

I just feel like I've some how betrayed my own ideals b/c I'm happy about it.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

((hexed))

It's not always all about us. Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and take what God has given you.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Its about the guilt I feel b/c I'm glad we couldn't R.

Let that go.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Knowing what I know now? No, I would not have wanted to R.

I knew there would be no R anyway. He had burt me too much by dday for me to ever trust him again - and that was even without knowing about the A. He is a sick, sick person. I needed to extricate myself from him and now I have.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

This, minus the post-nup:
Not only am I so happy that we didn't attempt to reconcile (he refused to sign a post-nup with favorable terms to me if he cheated again) but I am also happy that he cheated as I never would have divorced him otherwise, and I would have just existed, getting increasingly frustrated with myself and my life. I'm pretty sure I would have become an alcoholic to deal with the underlying stress of living with him.

I never realized how I was really just "existing" in the marriage. For a long time we were happy, but towards the end, it seems that I grew up and he didn't.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
259
Member
Member # 22860
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I did try to R. he didn't.

now I can look back and be pleased that he did everything he could to make me never want to be with him again

he did such disgusting things that I could move forward with a clear conscience.

I guess it would have been great to keep our family together, but I'm more than happy these days that he is not in my life. the only shame of it is that he had to be so terrible to me before I actually could let go.


Me = FBS
Him = gone


things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I feel the same way sometimes. I tried so hard when I thought XH could be remorseful and work things out with me. I never thought he would give up his family and life that we created together for another girl. It's strange to me that I'm happy now that things didn't work out. I realize now I was settling. I didn't deserve the way XH treated me. Our relationship was messed up and I can see that now. It took leaving, ending, and moving on from the relationship for me to see things in a different perspective.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4205 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Oh Hell no, I don't feel regret moving forward.
It's not an easy ride but the marriage it's self was dying at the time of dday. His cheating is probably what was killing it. Hindsight.

I now don't have to take care of an older and very ill FT. He's 74 yrs old now so I would have been his nurse more than I was 6 yrs ago.
He gave me my freedom that has been a good thing.
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 8:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I do wish he was remorseful and wanted to come back. I don't think it would have worked out. We probably would have divorced anyway. But the way things ended, with so many lose ends, has left me with a lot of "what if" feelings and a lack of closure. I probably spent the first two years in complete shock about what he did and who he really was.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

No because I have since found out he has lied our whole entire relationship, it wasn't just the multiple affairs. He had a completely separate life I had no idea existed.

I just wished he would stop hurting his children, I am sick of picking up the pieces and trying to mend my children's hearts. I wish he would just go live his 'shiny new life' and leave me and the kids alone to live ours.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

It's possible we might have divorced anyway, that is if I'd have been able to muster up the courage. As it is I'm grateful every single day at this second chance in life. I'm not happy yet, I certainly don't have a New Beginning happening in any kind of a positive fashion. But the opportunity is there, I'm striving for it. The hope that I have for my & my children's future is only because STBX isn't around anymore.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

That relationship should not have lasted more than 6m. I should never have married him. I should never have had children with him.

I've said before that his lack of remorse was the kindest thing he ever did to me.

Ironic that his A was an exit A... for me.

I don't question or feel guilt about how his lack of remorse feels like a gift. I'm too busy trying to work out why the fuck I waited for him to cheat before finally having the strength/courage to leave.

I stuck around waiting for him to meet the potential I saw in him. He never did. Not even close. Yet I still pretended.

Damn. I've always hated being wrong. Talk about biting my nose off to spite my face.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

My xWW sucked the life out of my daily, even before the A. But I stuck it out because I believe in marriage, and there were times things were really nice. After the A I wanted R because I believed in trying to save the M for the kids, but when she never showed remorse, I was almost relieved...I was free. I had done everything I could to save our M, and she still wanted out. I could move on and look forward free from her narcissism. Hope indeed.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

My heart breaks for my sons, but for me, it is a relief that he has someone and leaves me alone while I heal.

I have come to realize he is a broken person, not the person I propped up all these years.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
Eranda
Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I am eternally grateful to whoever runs this universe that he wasn't.

At the time, I would have done anything to save my family for my kids, including put up with whatever bullshit I had to put up with probably. And if he had been a decent human being and tried to fix the mess he made out of my life and my kids lives, I would have stuck with it.

But... he wasn't, and that's a good thing.

I would have hated myself for accepting that situation. I would have lost self-respect. I would never have learned how competant and self-reliant I really am. I would have spent the rest of my life insecure. I would have never tried the things I've tried since then- I would have never had a job on 7th Ave in NYC. I would have never written a book. I would have never become friends with any of the people I know now.

I would have always felt taken advantage of, used, and not valued.

I am so glad that things worked out the way they did.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4228 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

My M was a very young M when X cheated. There wasn't really time for us to have fallen out of love. We were starting a family, etc. However, unknown to me, he met a co-ed in class, partnered with her and the rest is history.

I remember driving to the mall shortly before DDay, by myself, thinking that love must be something that wears off...that I was lonely in my marriage, but should get used to it. I remember thinking I was crazy about half of the time, due to the gas lighting. On DDay, while I was devastated, I was also relieved that the problem was that he had decided to boink a classmate.

I remember, very early on, when I considered R, that I felt like I was cheating on myself, giving up on the opportunity to be happy. Very thankfully, he was not capable of doing the things I needed to R.

I am incredibly grateful for my new beginning and do not feel guilty about it.


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Knowing what a POS he is, I'm very glad he let his true colors show. Now I'm just a few weeks away from being completely unbound from a horrible excuse for a husband.

God knew that it wouldn't have taken much for me to continue to commit my life to that empty shell and I thank God that there was nothing there to suck me back in.

I'm still in the early stages of my "new beginning" and there is still A LOT I need to deal with and pull together but it's already better than what it would have been, partnered with someone unable to love and seemingly unable to feel.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

That relationship should not have lasted more than 6m. I should never have married him. I should never have had children with him.
I've said before that his lack of remorse was the kindest thing he ever did to me.

Ironic that his A was an exit A... for me.

I don't question or feel guilt about how his lack of remorse feels like a gift. I'm too busy trying to work out why the fuck I waited for him to cheat before finally having the strength/courage to leave.

I stuck around waiting for him to meet the potential I saw in him. He never did. Not even close. Yet I still pretended.

Damn. I've always hated being wrong. Talk about biting my nose off to spite my face.

Wow. I could have written every word of this.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

ditto everything Eranda said.

He is a selfish, self-involved, narcissistic arrogant egocentric bipolar antisocial unfeeling (unless it involves him) angry messed up controlling pervert.

But if he had been truly remorseful then he wouldn't have been him. He is unable to feel true compassion for anyone else's pain or anything he does to cause others pain. It isn't in his personality.

He was a wolf in sheep's clothing and is and always will be a predator. I am so thankful it did not work out and he gave me the easy out. (Not saying betrayal is easy, but for me, it was probably the easiest way for me to be able to detach fairly quickly.)

I would have been better off alone, and much happier, and now I am in a relationship with someone who actually DOES care about my feelings and is able to open up emotionally with me, I am thankful every. single. day.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15290 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 46