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User Topic: I need to learn to shut my mouth sometimes
Imessedup97
New Member
Member # 40367
Stop  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

We are approaching four weeks past DDay and it has been as rough as can be expected. I posted my story earlier this week. I must confess that I have had a very hard time showing my BS just how sorry I am. He is so crushed right now and I am looking back at my feeble attempts to help him recover from the damage I caused, and I am ashamed of how selfish I really am! I have made small gestures, but my BS has gone above and beyond to save our marriage that I messed up. When he gets upset and tries to tell me what's hurting him, I have gotten defensive. I shut down and don't talk because I am angry. What I should be doing is getting on my knees and thanking him for not throwing me out on the streets! We have good days and bad days , also good hours and bad. Last night we had a long talk and did some role reversal and that was helpful for me to see how I should respond to his comments.
When I posted my story on here , I mentioned a lot about his temper. After he read my post he was hurt because he felt I was using his temper as my excuse for cheating. I am starting to see that he is right! He did not do ANYTHING to deserve what I have done to him. He truly is an amazing husband and father. By the way, he has been so good about controlling his voice level during our arguments. I on the other hand, have turned into quite the yeller. I am so mad at myself for how self centered I am. He is really trying to help both of us, but I really need to man up and pull my weight. He said something that really scared me. He said that he will eventually move forward from this with or without me. I need to show him that I am worthy of moving forward with him.
We have been going to MC for two weeks now. We both had one IC each. I might recommend another IC for myself to work on being a more compassionate person. I want to be a much better wife for my husband. I love him so much! I never want to hurt him ever again!

[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 3:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: A black hole somewhere
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I posted a response on your 1st post. We had some similarities in our story and its seems like we share trouble with shutting down and being defensive. I am farther along than you but it is actually harder for me now to talk to bh than initialliy. I was so sure my bh was going to leave I did everything I could back then. we now know that we will work through this mess no matter what and i sometimes think because i know that he wont leave i dont open up as much now. fucked up of me i know...thats why im here!

When i reread your post i think you had a lot of justifications you told yourself to make it ok in your mind to cheat. until you let go of that and own what you did and realise NOTHING justified your behavior. they were your fucked up coping mechanisms in play!

Think about your responses to him, could you be minimizing the thought that he may leave you? Or are you self sabotaging yourself? You need to leave all the resentments in your m for now and own up and stop being defensive and angry!

I am TRYING to implement the strategies that are recommended by dr. Rosenberg in the book non violent communication ppl recommend on here, but it is a work in progress. I was going to say good luck but luck has nothing to do with this!


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
stupidgurl
Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

It sounds like if you don't start doing some work he is going to leave. You need to 1) control that temper of yours, 2) realize that you resent him (it is super clear that you do), 3) separate that resentment from the "why."

The answer to why you did it is not going to be that he did xyz. The answer to why is what made YOU think you could cross that line.

I always thought that cheating was a personality defect until I became a cheater. Now I realize it is the result of bad choices, but you need to get to the root of why you made bad choices.

Finally, you should show some remorse. You are being so mean to him, why? Do you not feel bad for what you did? Does your resentment not allow you to feel bad for him?


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2012
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I love him so much! I never want to hurt him ever again!

What you are saying versus your actions are contradictory

I must confess that I have had a very hard time showing my BS just how sorry I am.

When he gets upset and tries to tell me what's hurting him, I have gotten defensive. I shut down and don't talk because I am angry

I on the other hand, have turned into quite the yeller

There were things done in the marriage that your husband did that contributed to your resentment of him. However you should not compound the anger at yourself for the affair with your anger because of his temper.

Your husband has appeared to have recognized how his temper caused resentment in you. He appears to be changing that, do not use this for an occasion to put your foot on his neck while he is down.
The affair was all your fault.

I may be mistaken but I don't think your husband told you to go out and include a third party in your marriage.

You do recognize that you shouldbe remorseful. The question is;

Are you really sorry you did it?
Words say so. Actions do not.

Last time I checked, actions speak louder than words



The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Imessedup97
New Member
Member # 40367
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 4:59 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: A black hole somewhere
Imessedup97
New Member
Member # 40367
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

First I would like to thank you all for posting a reply. I must confess that it was some hard words to read. I agree with most of it. I was hoping that maybe you all could give me some concrete ways to show my BS that I am committed to making this work. I am very aware of what not to do. I have pretty much run the gamete of what not to do when you betrayed your spouse. I really need some positive advise. I do not need judging at this time, I am already judging myself very harshly. I am spending most days reading anything and everything I can. I do know that true remorse can only come from within. I have had a problem with communication for a long time. I think that is going to be one of my biggest hurdles to get over in my journey to heal my BS. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by Imessedup97 at 11:55 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: A black hole somewhere
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Ok,
What have you been doing so far?
Are you being patient?
Are you adhering to his love language? (does he like affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, conversation etc.)
Are you being empathetic?

Are you showing remorse?

Do you make him feel safe when you are not with him?

No one is judging you

We are merely commenting on what you posted.
There is lot of anger there which needs to be controlled.
If you feel attacked you react quite defensively.

You are going to read posts you may not like, but there is a rule of thumb;

If a post gets you worked up you should investigate why, even if the post is wrong.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

You start with your rage. Anger at mistreatment from another is normal and a very good thing. It's our internal tsunami buoy pinging and telling us to get to high land...NOW.

When we stuff and ignore that it turns to rage. Rage is destructive. It needs to be worked through and dissipated.

You acknowledge your choices were horrible. So now identify what internal processes you had in place that enabled you to consider those choices and make them. Get rid of those and (this is important) put new ones in their place.

Acknowledging your actions with another doesn't equate to an attack. It's a part of the process. If you become defensive you're posturing to position yourself. You don't need to do that. Talk about it calmly and set emotion aside. Being wrong is simply a fact. There doesn't have to be anything more to it than that. We tend to attach all sorts of future condemnation to it. That's just chatter.

What he said about moving forward shouldn't scare you at all. It's a healthy statement. He will. You will too. We all move forward. You make yourself safe and then decisions can be made by both of you. You're not helpless. You have control of yourself, which is all you ever had control of anyway.

Don't panic. Panic is a horrible state to make any choices in. Take deep breaths and start looking internally. As you find a break, crack, fracture fix, repair, replace.

When I'm angry I rug sweep, can become how I can communicate my anger and take steps to change my circumstances without making bad choices. When I'm hurt I withdraw can become I communicate my hurt and process my role in the problem. I own what's mine and hold accountable who I need to whats not mine.

We can absolutely decide how we're treated and how we treat others. Unless you're a hostage you've always had that control.

All those steps are positive and lead to health and safety for ourselves and others.

No need to be defensive. You're solving problems and need a level head. It can be tackled together but it must be for yourself regardless. You don't want to be in this place again and you won't have to be if you take the necessary steps.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Imessedup97
New Member
Member # 40367
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

floridaredman - I will attempt to answer your questions in the hopes that I can shine some light on my situation. If only to help better me in my situation. That is after all the only reason I have come here to this forum. Than I will address another underling issue, that should not be ignored.
What have you been doing so far?

First and foremost, sat down in the first week after DDAY and wrote time lines down for my BS. I tried to be as thorough as I could and answered any remaining questions my BS. has had, even if it is the same question being asked. I got us an appointment for MC right away. I have given up any outside social activities and even social media to focus solely on helping my BS.Every day post DDAY has been spent working on my marriage and very little else. I know that this is the most important thing for me to do right now.
Are you being patient?

I will say that at times, I have not been patient, but I am trying an learning.
Are you adhering to his love language? (does he like affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, conversation etc.)

I have absolutely been adhering to his love language.
This has been the easiest part for me. I put notes in his lunch, send him numerous text throughout the day to tell him how much I love him. I tell him that I am still very attracted to him because I am! I also let him know that he is a great father and husband! We have been liniment almost every day since DDAY. I am definitely more affectionate now then I ever was before DDAY.
Are you being empathetic?

I will be very honest by saying that I have not been as empathetic as I should. NOT because I don't care. This has been my coping mechanism for a long time. I bury pain so deep in order to not feel it. If you reread my first post, you will see some of the heartbreak that I have experienced in my life. What I posted was only a fraction of what I have had to deal with in my life. I did not write about all of it because I am here to focus on saving my marriage and not disusing my whole life story. I will save that for my shrink.
Do you make him feel safe when you are not with him?

Absolutely! He knows where I am every second the day, even if it is a quick trip to put gas in my car. I forgot on two accessions early on and saw how much it bothered him and I will not do that again. he also has a GPS on my phone. I am totally transparent to him.
Now to address the other issue.
I am wonder why you made this comment.
If a post gets you worked up you should investigate why, even if the post is wrong
. Please let me know what exactly you mean by this. I do not recall saying anything about anyone's post that made me feel "attacked." Those were your words, not mine. That is all the time I want to spend on this topic right now.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: A black hole somewhere
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I do not recall saying anything about anyone's post that made me feel "attacked.

It appears that post was deleted. It was a return post you wrote to stupidgurl. I recall it saying you felt attacked by her post, but now that cannot be proven because that post is deleted.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 10