Just Found Out
User Topic: Co-Worker Affairs in Law Enforcement
New Member
Member # 40385
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I had to delete this and will explain to the moderators.

[This message edited by TornHearted at 11:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NW
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

If I knew for sure he cheated I would leave him


You know he cheated. At the very least he had an emotional affair. It's not up to your extended family to dictate to you what is a valid reason to leave and what is not. Either they are there to support you or not.

You can't move past this because you know it's a lie. Don't use your child as an excuse to stay. You aren't happy. As long as you aren't happy, neither is your child. You must take care of you.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I saw his work phone bills and he had hundreds of calls to her - even at home and on days off.


You know that this is cheating. EA or PA. He was spending time, energy, and perhaps money on someone that wasn't you.

Definition of cheating = if you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing next to you, it's cheating.

I have since found out, also, that cheating in particularly the law enforcement field is rampant. Lucky me.

It is everywhere. Just turn on the TV. Or read the thousands of heart wrenching stories here. Regardless of career, life, stress, martial problems, etc. There is never an excuse to cheat. NEVER.

There are other options including divorce. People need to be honest and open and not selfish and self serving.

If you liked your IC before go back and now address this issue. Wrap your head around what it is that is eating you alive.

How is your H now? Is he attentive? Remorseful or just doesn't want to talk about it?

Bring this out once and for all and address it.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
New Member
Member # 40385
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Same here - will explain to the moderator why I had to delete it.

[This message edited by TornHearted at 11:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NW
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

You say you would leave if you knew for sure. You say your family would support you but only if you have proof. I have 2 thoughts on this. Your suspicions are totally reasonable. He cheated. Tell him you know he cheated. Don't tell him why, just stop giving him any room to gaslight you. Internalize it. He cheated. Let him convince you otherwise thru his actions. 180 his ass. His secretive behaviors are a huge red flag.

Second, why do your parents require proof? Do they really? Did they say that or are you assuming it? Have you told them what you have told us?

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I'm confused. If you're family knows nothing of this, then how do you know they won't support you if you leave him without physical proof he cheated?

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
New Member
Member # 40385
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Correct - my family does not know about this. I think judging on how "traditional" my parents are with being married 50 years, that they would react how I expect. However - if I laid it all down on the line for them they would probably tell me that I an idiot for believing him for three years. Sorry for confusion.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NW
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

While I agree, he was/is definitely cheating, at least emotionally - It wouldn't hurt to get some proof, to put your mind at... well maybe not ease.. but maybe it will get you some proof that you are not crazy!

Have you considered a VAR in his car? Are any of those thousands of calls actually texts that can be retrieved?

In the "I Can Relate" Forum there is a thread for A's involving Law Enforcement.

Whatever you do - start focusing on you... you need to take back your life and identity, and rebuild. If your WH is on a 6 day rotating schedule that can be tough, but there are online courses if you need a degree.

What I am getting at here is that your gut is screaming and you need to listen to it, but if you are totally dependent on him and the M - working towards some independence is one positive step you can be making now, and given the unexplained money... do it now on his dime!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Well, there isn't much doubt in my mind that this was a sexual as well as an emotional affair. I think you know that in your heart too, and that is why you are not able to move past it.

I guess the only thing you can do is start the 180, see and attorney and make sure he knows you did, and make all the noises that you are leaving because you know he is lying to you. That may scare him enough to fess up and then start the real work of reconcilliation.
So sorry you have gone through this for so long without a spouse willing to work with you. Hugs and good luck.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
New Member
Member # 40385
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

I apologize...had to delete.

[This message edited by TornHearted at 11:58 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NW
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 22nd (Thursday) are we suppose to help if we don't even know what it is you are dealing with?

Trust me...we've seen everything here.



BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I guess what we are trying to say is go with YOUR feelings.

This is all about YOU.

Base your decisions on yourself and what you can honestly live with not on your H.

Many trust too quickly and have many crazy moments because we were surpressing our real feelings.

You asked are you sabotaging a good thing. The answer is always NO.

If your H loves you and you back away because of how badly he hurt you, he will come for you.

He will do what you need to earn your love again. If you are sabotaging anything, it might be your H's plans for a smooth undetected A.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:11 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 12