Wayward Side
User Topic: Its over
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

We broke up last night. I wasn't even the one to do it!! He asked to speak to me and we got out much. He apologized for saying hurtful and hateful things to me and for treating me so badly all this time. He says he hated himself but couldn't seem to stop. He wants to try to be friends again. I told him I'd be moving out and since I can't afford a place here by myself right now I'd probably be going to my family until all my bills were paid off. He asked if I would consider staying in the state because he didn't want to lose us possibly being friends as well. I said I'd think about it because I truly do love this city but if I can't then I have to do whats right for me. He told me he understood. Then we watched a show together and went to sleep. Its possibly the most peace we've had between us in a year. We talked about a lot more then what I just listed here but the basic gist is that we've broken up. It hurts and at the same time I'm okay...

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2759 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Sorry to hear that, but maybe it was due.

It seems clear you''ve been more motivated to work on yourself and own your actions.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I'm sorry Unagie. I think you're okay because deep down, you know this is what's best for you. You have all of us here to support you. Big hugs!

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5968 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

(((Unagie))) I'm sorry. I know this wasn't the outcome you wanted and worked hard to achieve.

Can I make a suggestion? Spend some time NC. Delving into "friendship" is confusing in the best of circumstances, post-infidelity. And some people just aren't really friend material. I'm not saying your SO is not friend-worthy; I'm simply suggesting that you take some time to evaluate whether he is.

Sometimes, leaving the past behind is best when moving forward.

Millions of hugs to you. I really am sorry.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Unagie, I want you to know that you're going to be okay. In fact, you're going to absolutely blossom. I have faith in you and in your abilities. I want you to have faith in you, too.

I'm sorry for your pain. Keep hanging on. You're actually through the worst of things.

“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

If for the first time in a long time, you finally have peace...then perhaps it is for the best.

Perhaps move back home. Follow your dreams and continue to grow and flourish. Feel good about yourself. You tried. You can lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

we've broken up. It hurts and at the same time I'm okay...

Sending you lots of hugs, my friend. You did your best, you're going to get through this, even though it hurts. Hold your head up!

I said I'd think about it because I truly do love this city but if I can't then I have to do whats right for me.

That's right. You have to do what's right for you. Heal at your pace, and be where you need to be to be healthy. It's up to you whether you want to be friends or not. Think about what would be healthiest for you. It sounds like you're moving forward carefully, and you keep shining!

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Sending you strength and comfort, Unagie. (((Hugs)))

You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams

Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)


It sounds like he's done you a huge favor. Like somebody else said, it seems like you were willing to put in way more effort than him, and that never would have worked.

I would definitely postpone a "friendship." I bet after a little while on your own, you will feel much better without him in your life. IMO, it sounds like he's trying to keep you on the back burner in case his other relationship(s) doesn't work out. You don't want to be somebody's second choice. You are better than that.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Mrs Panda
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I'm sorry Unagie.

But listen, you have been suffering too long. Time to find you some happy.

Why stay friends ? Just leaves an ex with potential to become intertwined in future. Many of us probably cheated with an ex at some point . personally, I think staying friends with an ex is a recipe for disaster.

Much like "closure ", " we can be friends" is something people say to feel better about the end of the relationship.

Friends do things together , share confidences, boost each other up. How can you do that with an ex?

IMHO the only reason to stay friends is to leave the option for a relationship open later on.

Acquaintances , sure. Friends? IDK

NC means no new hurts.

Hugs. MP

Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)


I'm sure you'll find your happy once you've worked through the pain.

I also think trying to remain friends is a bad idea. At least, for now. I agree that it's like he wants to eat cake with your approval. FWIW, I never tried to stay friends with ANY of my exes.

Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)


Glad you are finding some peace. It's going to be ok.

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)


So glad you are feeling peaceful. I understand what you mean. We're kind of in the same place. PM me anytime.

If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)


Sending you strength and hope for better days.

Posts: 35758 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Sending strength to you, and wishing you brighter days ahead, Unagie.

Posts: 7463 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I am sorry to hear the news. I know it is not the outcome you wanted.

Be strong.

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

It finally hit me. The finality of all of it and I can't stop crying. Oh dear god this hurts so much.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2759 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

You'll be okay unagie. It's okay to cry and to mourn the loss.

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Hi unagie

I''m so sorry about how things have ended with you and your BF. I wish all the strength in the world to get through this. Big hugs!!!! Take care girl

WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Huge (((((HUGS))))) to you, Unagie.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6802 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I am sorry Unagie. I hope the peaceful moment you shared last night continues. I just read that good endings make for good beginnings.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Hugs to you.

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I'm sorry you're hurting. It will get better. One day at a time.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

It hurts and at the same time I'm okay...

I'm sorry for the pain. With everything you have done to grow, with all the lessons you have learned, you are going to be OK.

You are going to be a heck of a formidable woman.

You go girl!!!!

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2968 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, August 24th (Saturday)


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15411 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I'm sorry ((((Unagie))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I am sorry to hear about your loss. It is always a sad thing when it's OVER OVER (like, FOR REAL over).

Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 24th (Saturday)


I'm sorry.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 25th (Sunday)


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Thanks guys. I've been working and coping the past few days. Each step I take that severs us a little more feels painful and so feels like little cuts to my heart each time. No one in my life or family knows yet save my BFF who called me when it happened and I reached out because of how much it was hurting. Had she not contacted me at that moment she probably wouldn't know either. I haven't told anyone because I need to decided where I want to go and do from here without outside influence and knowing my family and friends they will all have something to say about what I should be doing now.

Thank you all for your support. I am walking through this as best I can.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2759 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 25th (Sunday)


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 26th (Monday)

How are you doing today, Unagie?

You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams

Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I'm so sorry Unagie. I've been reading your posts and I know that you have been working really hard both with your self and your relationship. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and that you put yourself first.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 33