SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: I hit my WH....what is wrong with me?????
ohiocarrie535
Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I mentioned this already in my other post, but I felt like I needed to start a new thread. WH has huge trust issues with my as far as feeling safe to communicate. I've worked so hard for the past 6 months to make him feel safe to open up to me. Now this!!! We are right back to square one. He's shut me out. I'm so guilty and ashamed. I left a message with my IC to call me. I need to talk to someone. I need to get some coping skills. I feel sick over this! Please someone help me!!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I am sorry you are going through this ohiocarrie535.
Speak to your IC and dig deep within yourself to find your answer.
Maybe you hit him out of sheer frustration...
Please take care of yourself.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

First off, yes, it was a terrible thing to lay your hands on your WH. Physical violence is never condoned nor called for in any situation.

That being said, don't be so hard on yourself. This is a VERY volatile situation, the pain is overwhelming and the anger is white hot and intense. It's now wonder they call it a "crime of passion", the feelings are so intense it seems hard to control them. I am guilty of slapping my H once after DDay as well, and I felt incredibly guilty and ashamed of what I had done. I had never slapped another human being in my life before that day, and it was just awful.

What I did to make sure that didn't happen again is separate myself from the situation when I felt that anger welling up so high. If I had to spend all night in my room alone, then so be it. H was in the other room taking care of the kids, he's a big boy, he can handle his children. It also gave me time to journal my thoughts as well, and just getting them out seemed to help a lot also.

Probably not the best method, but I also threw a few plastic cups. When I felt myself getting to that point and I couldn't walk away fast enough, I would grab the nearest plastic cup and let it fly at the wall. It was actually quite satisfying without being destructive at all.

Count to 10.

And try to dig past the anger to get to the real feeling. It's VERY hard to do that, but once you can start to get to the feeling under the anger, you will learn you can communicate about that real feeling and actually make some headway in healing as well. Anger is a mask for other feelings, often pain. Share your pain, own the pain though. If you start off saying "you hurt me, you cheated on me, you did this, you did that" then that's going to increase WH's issue with opening up to you. However, if you approach it like "I'm hurt because I don't feel special, I hurt because I flinch when you touch me, I hurt because I feel like I was discarded", then this takes the "blame" off of WH and should help him feel safer about opening up and comforting you as well.

That's a whole lot of info, and I'm sorry if it's too much right now. Please, don't beat yourself up over this, but do your best to make sure it never happens again. Give WH a very sincere apology. It will get better.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Ok, take a deep breath oc535.

Hitting in inexcusable and I should know as I went there a couple weeks ago (he put his arm out to stop me from walking away and I hit it hard away). I have never done that before. I felt so ashamed. We are 8.5 months in.

My new plan is to STOP when I feel that heat in my belly. I need to stop, breath and then leave the room, house, for a bit until I can be calm. I have to remember, just bc I FEEL it doesn't mean it is RIGHT.
I am working on this in IC.

For now, you need to make amends. Please let us know how things go.

I hope you get in to see your IC.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:00 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

ps: great advice by doesitgetbetter.

And try to dig past the anger to get to the real feeling. It's VERY hard to do that, but once you can start to get to the feeling under the anger, you will learn you can communicate about that real feeling and actually make some headway in healing as well. Anger is a mask for other feelings, often pain. Share your pain, own the pain though. If you start off saying "you hurt me, you cheated on me, you did this, you did that" then that's going to increase WH's issue with opening up to you. However, if you approach it like "I'm hurt because I don't feel special, I hurt because I flinch when you touch me, I hurt because I feel like I was discarded", then this takes the "blame" off of WH and should help him feel safer about opening up and comforting you as well.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Please get into IC to discuss your anger. I have big time anger issues from my WH's A and I have hit my WH pretty hard on two occasions. I felt horrible and I too have never hit another human being. With the help of therapy (and medication) I am now able to take a step back and not react every time I feel upset. It's not easy, I am constantly working on this.

Also just wanted to echo not being too hard on yourself (((ohiocarrie535))) the anger from infidelity is like no other I have ever felt in my life.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I understand your shame at doing this. I had a moment where I was sitting in the floor of a bathroom screaming hateful things. He came at me, and I hit him. That was by the far the lowest point of my entire life. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn't hardly look at him because I felt so ashamed.

I admitted it in IC, and we had some anger management techniques. Now when I'm feeling angry, I will lock myself in the bathroom until it passes.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2013
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I did this once as well...
I punched him in the balls during a heated argument.

It was a humiliating moment.


Next time you feel losing control of yourself. Just walk away from the situation and get some air.


There is nothing wrong with you...even the sanest most gentle person can lose it under stressful circumstances.
Just find ways to deal with your anger.

[This message edited by Audrina at 1:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I'm right there with you.
It was a while ago - when I first found out. It got so bad between us and I was so angry for so long.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Yes it's wrong but the emotions that we as BSs feel - its bit so uncommon.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I punched him in the balls during a heated argument.

This is a solid example of why saying "There's nothing wrong" when it comes to violence from an angry wife towards a husband is a slow escalation into the WTF zone.

At what point is it no longer okay to hit some dude? When there's a weapon involved and the cops are on the way? I accept there is a deep and fundamental difference when it comes to violence between genders but I think it's an unacceptable concept that "even the sanest can lose it" since that applies to anything, including an affair. Boundaries are about not going over them at all and observing them immediately, not minimizing them when it happens - flirty texts lead to people heartbroken on this forum. A cockpunch might go further also.

I think the OP was right to contact her IC and acknowledge she needs to work on coping skills because she immediately identified that what she did was not okay. Telling her that it is only takes three steps back.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7441 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Still going....

Just to clarify..I did not mean to say that it was ok to hit him.

I meant that there is nothing wrong with her for being so angry...
The OP just has to find healthier ways to cope with her anger in a non violent manner.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I think this is one of those things where you should NOT cut yourself any slack at all. Anger, trauma -- not excuses for physical violence. I commend ohiocarrie535 for calling her IC to get help. That's a strong and ethical action to take.

((ohiocarrie))

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:57 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Physically abusing your spouse is unacceptable no matter what they did, and no matter how frustrated you were.

If you were a male, and had hit your wife, you would likely be in jail right now. Physically abusing men is just as unacceptable and just as serious as physically abusing a female.

You need to see a counselor to discuss your anger and better ways to control yourself.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I think this is one of those things where you should NOT cut yourself any slack at all.

Agreed, and I've been there. Got my ass to my IC immediately. Fortunately my IC had formerly served as a counselor for domestic abusers who were court-mandated to get therapy, so he didn't minimize what I'd done at ALL.

It's not ok but it's excellent that you recognize that. Go to counseling and be ready to talk about YOU, not him and what he did.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6721 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I'm guilty off hitting my WH too and it's so out of character for me. I punched him in the shoulder out of anger. I've also thrown my iphone, the remote, picture frame, hanger at his head. I'm ashamed of my myself especially because I grew up watching my father beat my mother on a regular basis. I know it's wrong and the damage it does. I even scared myself when I took a full size mirror off the wall and broke it in two two, slammed half at the wall leaving a large hole in the wall and cutting my arms and legs in the process. I called my therapist and told him I found all that anger that he told me I had been holding in. I was so out of control. I now leave or ask my husband to leave when I feel my anger increasing. Thank god my husband didn’t fight back. He's 6'4" and 280 lbs. it wouldn't take much for him to seriously hurt me.

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jul 2013
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Agree that hitting is not an acceptable way to handle this. On dday #2 I was angry and scared that what my H did to me could affect the baby I was carrying. On the way home from the hospital I punched him right in the neck. I was aiming for his head but he moved. I did worn him that I was going to do it and he needed to pull over but he did not.

There is nothing wrong with you, you just do not know how to handle all these emotions you are experiencing. Good start is finding ways to deal with this is IC. Infidelity is a horrible thing and it brings out the very worse in us. People kill each other because of this. You are smart enough to see your limit and seek help.

I hope IC helps you to at least make some sense out of these feelings and you find a healthy way to deal with them.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

this is a solid example of why saying "There's nothing wrong" when it comes to violence from an angry wife towards a husband is a slow escalation into the WTF zone.

Brilliant Stillgoing

WTF Zone indeed


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

My wife and I have come close to physical violence...she just as primed as I. We both stopped short..but it rattled us equally.

Neither of us are angry violent people...so this is why it was so shocking to us.

God help me, we are just so very tired and unable to handle our anger right now. Sheer frustration is driving both of us. We want the same thing from the marriage....are just as frustrated with myself as I am with her.

We are trying to find a new MC...our old one is just to passive....we need bricks to the head therapy....not How does that make you feel therapy.

I called my best friend right after this fight....my wife called a friend of hers. You called your IC.

This is what should be done. It is our minds SCREAMING at us that we need to be held accountable....that we cant do this by ourselves....so we call in support.

I have also prayed on this...admitting what my heart was almost ready to do to God and asked forgiveness for my heart-felt desires.

Like LA44 said...just because you really felt the urge doesn't make it right, just or good.

There is a time for patience towards yourself, but then there is a time of righteous anger towards yourself. When the boundary is crossed and you physically assault another person...it is time to be righteously angry with yourself...you did this as you called your IC. Now it is time to return to being patient with yourself and come up with new tools to defend against what you NOW know you are capable of.

It is scary as hell. We have engaged less since this confrontation. I am not sure of her reasons but I know one of mine is that I am nervous to get close to this level of anger again....I have ideas on how I can diffuse myself, but don't really want to get in that situation again.

Yes, I am weak and scared...that is the truth. We need a third party to help walk us through a scenario so that we can both feel and experience what I think we need.

This is serious damn trauma.....I wish I had more wisdom.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ohiocarrie535
Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Thanks for all the advice and comments. My IC worked me in and we had a good session. Now that I know what I'm capable off I will walk away when I feel the anger building. Actually my IC said they since I've already apologized and basically talked it to death with my WH, I should leave it up to H to bring it up in the future. My WH is a natural rug sweeper, so he was all too happy to do that! Lol! I've been instructed to let it go. So I'm letting myself off the hook. Wow! What do u guys think?

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Don't be so hard on yourself. You called the IC and that is the best thing to do. I did so many "out of character" things after d-day: threw lawn furniture off of the back porch at 2AM, threw and broke plates, threw a hairbrush across the room, threatened to jump out of a moving car, and hit my FWH after finding out more details that he had withheld from me. It was all inappropriate and wrong. It didn't all happen one after the other, these events were spread out over a 2+yr. period. I also talked to IC. In my case, I had no voice in our M for so long I finally found it and I acted out in ways that were unacceptable. Admitting what you did was wrong is a big step. Not making excuses is huge. Coming up with a plan for the next time would help. It took me awhile to do that one.

As BS's we go through so much and I still don't know how I did it. I don't excuse my acts of violence but I can sure explain them and understand why I behaved so out of character.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

You have gained wisdom through a painful experience. You apologized for your actions. Now the hard part...you know better so you must do better.

I can appreciate your husband as a rug sweeper...my wife is too...to avoid conflict.

I would go with your IC on this one...though a part of me thinks further actions on your part are not a bad idea. But I tend to run a rabbit hard before I stop the chase....kind of the opposite of rug sweeping!

This is an issue I am working through... I have not yet learned better so I am not doing better. I am also thick headed at times.

Regardless...you successfully navigated another pitfall on this journey. While proud is not the exact right word, you both should feel pleased you took firm, decisive, positive action following a negative reaction. It bodes well for your futures together....actually, it bodes well for YOUR future, regardless of your marital status.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:10 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not an angry person and I socked my FWH in the nuts on D-day. I never hit him before and I've never hit him since then. I think the wave of frustration, betrayal, disappointment, etc. was just too great. Is it ever a good idea to hit someone? No, but I don't regret it one bit.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
ohiocarrie535
Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I am feeling a lot better today. Although I know what I did was definitely over the top, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this boat! WH seems perfectly happy to let the whole matter drop. However I did make it clear to him after my IC that if he ever wants to discuss it I am here and willing to talk.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 23