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Reconciliation
User Topic: This morning...
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Sad  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

As my WH left to take the kids to school, I could feel a distance (similar to when he was in his A) of course I triggered. All I did was ask him a simple question, with a smile on my face mind you. "Are you doing right by me right now?"

He exploded! He jumped up and down throwing a tantrum threw his $300 sunglasses on the ground as well as his keys. He told me "Is this all you f**king think about all day long 24/7 7 days a week?" I yelled back, "yes I do think about it all day everyday do you think that I like it?" Then he mumbles something about me beating him up. Excuse me

This is not R. I know this is not R. I have an incomplete R.

I just ended up shutting the garage door in his face because I didn't want to see or hear him anymore. I don't feel anything either. normally I would be bothered by this, but now I am starting to think this is him and I'm not sure I like it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

(((Crazyblindsided)))


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

((((CB )))))

You are right. That is not R. It takes both of you doing the work.

I am so sorry. The indifference you are feeling will allow you to get strong though. You deserve more. You know that.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

The indifference you are feeling will allow you to get strong though. You deserve more. You know that.

I am getting stronger, thank you. It's the one good thing that is happening.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

His anger is an inappropriate response to the lack of trust he's left you with.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

His anger is an inappropriate response to the lack of trust he's left you with.

That's what it feels like. Normally I would have broke down crying for upsetting him. Now I just can't believe what I'm seeing.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

((cbs)) I can tell you're getting stronger, that's why you reacted differently this time.
Hugs!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4751 | Registered: Dec 2010
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Thanks rachelc my IC and all the peeps here at SI have helped me! I really have to say I'm not sure I would have gotten to this point without SI...

speaking of which I need to donate


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

In front of the kids? Is this a healthy environment for them to be in?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

In front of the kids? Is this a healthy environment for them to be in?

Yes he did do it in front of the kids. I have also acted badly in front of the kids at times. It is not healthy for them to see I agree. My tirades are over and it seems my WH's have just begun. I'm not going to take it. I can't, I have been abused in the past.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

When my husband behaved like that (actually literally jumping up and down screaming, ranting) we were in false R. This really bothers me for you.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

we were in false R. This really bothers me for you.

I know I have this feeling too. I'm just not sure all my investigative methods are going to work this time. i honestly think I may need to hire a P.I. but then why bother. This sucks!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Do you need to investigate? You certainly aren't being treated with the love, and respect you deserve. That can be enough.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

You're not alone. We had something similar and she asked if this is what I think about ALL THE TIME. Rug sweepers think you are one too I suppose. I think my FWW doesn't understand the extent of the damage and how long it takes to get over it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

(((cb))) So sorry.

You are strong and getting stronger. Either he does the work to heal himself and treats you the way you deserve to be treated or you move on...

Easier said than done, I know....

Best to you.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 654 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Either he does the work to heal himself and treats you the way you deserve to be treated or you move on...

Yeah this is basically how I am starting to feel. I can look back at my whole time with him and say that he always put his needs ahead of mine, always. I have done so much for this man. I believed in him. He let me down, I let myself down, it's been a real journey.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Do you need to investigate? You certainly aren't being treated with the love, and respect you deserve. That can be enough.

Thank you for the kind words. I need to start believing this myself.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

CBS.

Is what he is doing enough for you in your M?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4743 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

tired girl it is interesting that you ask this because he is doing everything that I've asked him, we have full transparency and I can tell he is putting in an effort (in his way). I don't like his reactions. I think they are abrasive, rude , and oftentimes feel cruel. I can tell he wants me to be over this badly and so do I, but it's kinda hard to do when the thoughts just don't go away.

My WH came by to see me at lunch. He vented said he was having a really bad day. I said nothing. Finally I asked him what was really wrong and he said he just can't believe who he is. He said he believes he creates his own stress in his life.

He has never admitted to anything like that. By the end of our conversation we discussed that he should go back to IC for himself. I just hope he realizes it was this same stress he created for himself and then the MOW became his stress reliever.

I'm not sure what he is doing is enough.

I'm really confused lately because I'm not sure if I create drama too. I was recently just told by my doctor that I fall into the Bipolar II category. Yay me

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

CBS,

What Dr? Have there been tests done? Be careful about just taking this diagnosis at face value without proper testing.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4743 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. My W complained about beating her up about it but this is what they signed up for. Reconciliation is remorse for their actions and being sorry that their decisions haunt our minds and make us think about it daily.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

What Dr? Have there been tests done? Be careful about just taking this diagnosis at face value without proper testing.

I have not gone through any testing. She is just basing it on my past mood swings/anger issues/self harm/addiction :-(((


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

he is doing everything that I've asked him, we have full transparency and I can tell he is putting in an effort (in his way). I don't like his reactions. I think they are abrasive, rude , and oftentimes feel cruel. I can tell he wants me to be over this badly and so do I, but it's kinda hard to do when the thoughts just don't go away.

This scares the crap out of me, because my situation is nearly identical. He was doing well for about a week - then we had a blow-up the other night. He reacted to my trigger with hostility. He apologized the next day, but it felt a little like abuse. You can't beat the shit out of me and expect "sorry" a day later to make everything ok.

I dunno, Crazy. Stay strong. We're all here for you. ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Crazyblindsided,

I understand that you don't feel supported when your H cannot react to your trigger without understanding or compassion. Our MC says that my H does not have the same capacity for emotional ups and downs as I do. I have this on my mind 24/7 and he doesn't. He has learned to compartmentalize his feelings. When I continue to bring up the A or ask questions, he sometimes struggles.

A different perspective for you to consider: Do you think this is a communication issue? Thru marriage counseling I have learned that my H processes emotions differently than I do and I have learned that when he is tired/down/not feeling good about himself he does not do a good job of handling my trigger. When he says "I just can't do this right now" I know that he is overwhelmed in a sense. He is not used to dealing with emotions in general and has obviously found unhealthy ways to escape from them. In MC we are learning how to communicate how we each need to be comforted during stressful times.

This has been very helpful to deal with this sort of thing in MC. It has been so much better for the two of us to understand each others needs.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

A different perspective for you to consider: Do you think this is a communication issue? Thru marriage counseling I have learned that my H processes emotions differently than I do and I have learned that when he is tired/down/not feeling good about himself he does not do a good job of handling my trigger. When he says "I just can't do this right now" I know that he is overwhelmed in a sense. He is not used to dealing with emotions in general and has obviously found unhealthy ways to escape from them. In MC we are learning how to communicate how we each need to be comforted during stressful times.

Yep you nailed it Undone1. My IC keeps saying that everything I am trying to bring in to her is a MC related issue and she cannot really help me with it. I believe it is a communication issue for sure.

We tried MC before I knew his 'friendship' was EA/PA and I was cast as crazy and losing my mind by both my WH and the MC and I have been scarred from that experience. I am willing to give MC another shot. My WH is a go too we just need to make an appt.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

His anger is an inappropriate response to the lack of trust he's left you with.

I'm going to suggest something radically different that others haven't. In my own personal experiences and experiences with others I have found one fairly solid truth.

ANGER IS A FEAR RESPONSE

I'm not going to get into his reaction in front of the children or his childish behaviour, enough has been said about that, however, what I see is a man who is terrified. The real question is, What is he scared of?

Is he scared of facing himself and his own shame?

Is he scared that your ongoing "obsession" with the affair means you are on the fence about staying together and R? (I'm a BH so I know all about obsessing. It seems to be all I ever think about, day in and day out.)

I would say that you should try and approach it like that. Sit down with him and pour some tea, make sure the kids are in bed and simply open the conversation with "Most often anger is a fear response. You were really upset the other day. I'm wondering if you are afraid of something and you can share that with me."

Anyway... take it or leave it. If you think I'm full of poo then feel free to disregard what I've said, I won't get angry! ;-)


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

mrcpu you bring up a great point. My WH is terrified of being alone. His father passed away, his mom had her first stroke at 55 and is now in a home permanently, and his sister has gone off the deep end. Most of his friends now are superficial because of his business and I have been with him since our early 20's. I have been the rock for my WH our whole M. He told me everytime I bring up the A it scares him that I am going to leave him. He tells me that he would be nothing without me, that life would mean nothing. I felt bad for him.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I'm sorry but I am calling BS. He is playing victim. That is not ok. He can be scared to be alone, he needs to figure out why he can't be happy alone, and why alone scares him. Then fix that. It's not your job to take abuse because "he's afraid". Sorry he shoulda thought of that before he had an A.

I also disagree that he gets to be rude because he communicates differently. OK he may, but he also needs to put on his big boy pants, and empathize with where you are and why you are there. He wants to R, as long as you don't ask questions, or make him look long and hard at the grief he has caused you.

This may seem like a 2x4 but really, whatever the reason, it's not ok for him to be mean, abusive, or angry with you....He needs to work that out on his own.
Just like you need to get strong for you. It sounds like you are both a bit toward the codependent side, and that makes it very hard to recover, but it can be done.
I guess I see a lot of myself, and that is why I get so angry for you when he responds the way he does.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

My H is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. If I surprise him with A-related questions/comments, he feels ambushed and becomes defensive. If I ask, instead, for him to tell me when he's ready to have another conversation, he's emotionally "prepared."

If he were still fully engulfed in the fog, that may not work--he could get his lies in order. But now that we've had several productive (and some marathon) communication sessions under our belt and now that he's obviously trying to make changes, the warning helps him to control his negative responses better.

Two other things help me accept this method. One, when he wanted to talk to me (what became the confession/reconciliation convo), he let me know he wanted to chat and let me pick a good time for me. So in this sense, he played "fair." Two, whenever I ask for this, I've never waited for more than a day or two. It's usually that same day.

Because their betrayals were so painful and so devastating, it seems hard to concede anything. But I DO want to save and repair my M. The only way to do that is to give him the tools he needs to help me and to be a full participant. For 4 or 5 months, he wasn't wholly engaged. But this past month, I've seen a complete about face. It's as if HE's the one to have made a 180. So, whatever I did (I've been gentle but firm, truthful but composed. And always loving.)? It's working. :)


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 440 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

tushnurse just wanted to say my WH has always played the victim. It is HIS role. I agree that he needs to own his behavior just like I have had to own mine.

I don't want to believe that I am co-dep because my mom always was and I swore I would never be like her. Guess I need to look into this.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:41 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 30