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User Topic: When life doesn't go according to plan...
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I have debated posting this but felt like I was being whiney, but I have seen it touched upon in some other posts so I figured I might as well get the courage to post it.

I hate my NB.

And I feel like a completely selfish bitch for saying it because so many people end up in worse situations after infidelity than I have, so I feel like I should be thankful. My life does not suck - I have a good career, I'm financially stable, I have supportive family and friends, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and get to splurge on myself here and there.

But I just want my chance at marriage and kids and all that comes along with that. I'm almost 33 - I'm starting to feel like that is just not going to be in the cards for me and that has been very hard to accept.

I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. This is not how I envisioned my life, nor is it the life that I wanted for myself.

How exactly do you come to terms with the fact life isn't what you hoped for and learn to love it for what it is?

I just feel like no matter how much goes "right" with my life, there will be a void as long as I never get to fulfill that part of me that wants to be a wife and a mother...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Feb 2010
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

How exactly do you come to terms with the fact life isn't what you hoped for and learn to love it for what it is?

2 years of therapy, including DBT groups and EMDR. Seriously. I wasted a lot of time beating myself up for being a failure in life. Now I think my ability to love my life no matter what kind of gives me a winning edge.

You're only 32, there's still time to start a family if that's what you want. Don't give up hope!


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I was in your shoes at your age.....and got a "surprise" at the age of 32 and got pregnant by a big loser I was "on again off again" dating for a year.... he is not in my daughter's life at all.

The plus in that. I am finally a mother. The downside? I'm a single mother and it makes dating a LOT harder. But, I am a mother and I am thankful for that. I had my daughter right after I turned 33 and she is the light of my life... I have a career....a roof over our heads...great friends and family. I would love to be a wife and find love and am still hopeful.

But, I get it. I feel what you are saying. Just try not to lose hope. We can't. We just can't.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I totally hear you! While I am older than you and do have 2 kids, and a good life overall, I still feel sad sometimes that I do not have a partner.

You are young and I know it will happen for you. Don't give up hope!


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Be careful what you wish for, hon...

I was sort of in this position years ago. We had tried to get pregnant for years after a miscarriage--all kinds of tests, fertility shots, bizarre positions in bed --nothing. I was sure I would wind up being the Crazy Dog Lady (prefer them to cats). Then we S (not infidelity-related) and BOOM; I got pregnant (obviously we were still 'seeing' each other while separated.)

Don't get me wrong; I love DS more than my life, but it was one thing after another after that.

I think I would have loved being the Crazy Dog Lady...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

I know about the plan- I had my retirement dream home at 31.

I have met some extremely happy people who were married in their late 30's. People because of careers are waiting longer and kids are always possible either yours or friends.

Embrace where you are and be ready for the possibility. I can honestly say the girls were set in their minds they wouldn't have a family and when they were settled and stopped looking the right guy came across their path and they figured they would try thinking it wouldn't work and it did. Now they call me to say they wish they had their own space and their weekends free.

Good luck


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Good advice here - 32 is quite young. It's hard to see it when you are in the weeds, but focus on you and what is healthy for you and the rest will come together.

I met XWH at 31 and we were together almost 10 years. And, honestly I don't think finding a relationship will be hard at 43, I'm more concerned about finding the right relationship.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Even finding a relationship at age 64 seemed easy.......just sayin'


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2295 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I am younger than you by a very few years, but I'll be honest - seeing and getting to know some of the strong, single women who I've met here on SI had totally changed my perspective. When I was younger, getting married was a goal, an objective, a measurable. Now... it'd be nice, but if it doesn't happen I'll be okay. And a big part of that honestly is having "mentor" figures in my life who are happy and single.

There are two women in particular who I met through SI (they can probably guess who they are, but I won't call them out) who, while they both desire to date and are both currently in relationships, are two of the strongest, most inspiring individuals I've ever met. They both survived all of this garbage that brought us all here, they are both strong and independent, they are both role models for me of who I want to be. There is another woman like them who goes to my church, too young to be a widow in her early 50s. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I surround myself with strong single women, but I have been intentional about cultivating friendships with them.

I have a lot of friends who are married or in long term relationships, a lot of friends my age with kids, etc. and it's easy to forget that just because something is the societal norm, doesn't mean it's the only way to be happy.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Whalers, I relate to your story.

I was about to turn 33 on D-day. I had no children with XWH, to whom I'd been married 8 years and together with 13.

I, too, was financially independent with a good career, supportive family and friends.

One of the first things I said to XWH was "I can't believe you stole my chance of having a family from me."

I filed for D immediately (he had a LTA I knew I wouldn't get over). I remember trying to figure out how to change my goals, how to figure out what it would mean to me to be single and/or childless. I actually discovered that it was a bit freeing to have no preconceptions about what my life could or would be- I could do pretty much whatever I wanted. I even thought that if I didn't find someone else, I could possibly adopt if I wanted to be a mother.

It's funny, as soon as I was at peace with this idea, I met my now H. I had my first child at 36, second at 38.

If I've learned anything through this whole ordeal, it's that we can't plan our future, we can only prepare as best we can.


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Sep 2006
Mandilwen
Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

I get what you're saying. It is tough to accept that we are exactly where we should be when we didn't plan on being there. I used to be big on planning, but I just wing it now after the whole affair/divorce thing. The world didn't care about my plans, especially the ones that involved other people, lol.

The wife part will be a bit more challenging, but nothing says you can't try for a baby without being married. Just don't set up unknowingly baby daddy suitors, lol!


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I have never been good with spontaneity or "winging it" - and I think that is what makes this so tough for me. I am used to planning everything out and I end up with anxiety when things get off track. I can usually adapt, but it does rattle me.

I know that I can be an independent single woman - I'd even say I have that mastered. There are even many things I actually *enjoy* about being single, such as my money is my money to do as I please with, I can make decisions without having to solicit opinions from anyone else, etc.

I also have many happy moments in life. I am not sitting around moping. But I am still left with that nagging feeling that something is missing.

It's discouraging sometimes to come on here and read about people who have no problems getting dates... I am the opposite. In the 3.5 years, I've been separated from my ex (who I was with since I was 17), there has been ONE guy who has shown any interest in me - and that didn't work out.

I am very introverted. Meeting people is hard. I am not someone who is going to catch a man's attention based on my looks - I'm not a girly girl. I've very much a tomboy and I don't do dresses, or makeup, or any of that. So I feel like any potential future romantic partner is going to be someone who gets to know me as a friend first - which I am fine with. I actually prefer that since I am not into dating just for the sake of dating. Despite my introverted nature, making friends with men is actually very easy for me if I can find one that I am interested in being friends with.

Ugh, sorry. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I think lately the loneliness is just getting to me and I am really starting to crave that male companionship again, and there's just no light at the end of that tunnel right now.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Feb 2010
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Well I will see your feeling like a whiney bitch and raise you. I want the same things. You’d think I have the perfect setup, stable, family-oriented job, I’ve have been with my SO for 2 years, he wants kids! But he is currently at a different place in life. He reset his career path and it will be at least two more years before that is sorted and any marriage, family, house buying stuff can even be put on the table. What if things blow up between now and then? What if I wait around for 2 more years only to find he has changed his mind?

Well in the meanwhile I work on me. Focus on my job, pay down debt, save for a house, save for retirement. If we don’t pan out I will be in a much more awesome place than I was after D.

What you want might feel so far away but you are actually ahead of the curve. You are in an awesome place in life, all your duckies are in a row. When you meet a great guy who appreciates you and wants the same things you can plunge right in and nothing will be holding you back. It is better to be in no relationship than the wrong one, your dreams are closer than you think.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3450 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings or dismiss your fears, but to give you hope -

My new husband always dreamed of being a husband and father, and on his 35th birthday, consciously (albeit sadly) reconciled that the right woman just might not be in the cards for him (never married).

We began dating 6 months later, celebrated our 1 year anniversary in May, and he says I made "his dreams of being a husband and father come true" (he's VERY much a father to my 3 kids).

Hang in there. You never know what the next day will bring.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Despite my introverted nature, making friends with men is actually very easy for me

I think lately the loneliness is just getting to me and I am really starting to crave that male companionship again, and there's just no light at the end of that tunnel right now.

Gently, these two statements strike me as contradictory, which makes me believe the first is more likely true ... and the second is simply (!) fear talking.

I dare you to challenge your fears.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Freeze your eggs. I am actually serious. It will give you another possible 20 years to have husband and kids! I had my little ones with IVF at 39. It would have been alot easier and cheaper if I had frozen my eggs when they were healthier. I keep telling my oldest to freeze hers at 30, so she can focus on her career!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Thank you everyone for the support, advice and hopeful stories...

The other thing I worry about is getting into a wrong relationship because I am just so damn desperate to be in a relationship again...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Feb 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

((Whalers11)) I think a lot of us here have some of the same feelings about our future being stolen from us - the future we had imagined and planned with our X. I find it helpful to remember the obvious - your life can change in the blink of an eye. Don't get too down on yourself and try to enjoy what you have. Live in the moment. Count your blessings is so trite, but sometimes finding joy in little things in the moment can really help lift you.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I'll add my voice to the chorus. I'm only a few years older than you - 33 is so ridiculously young. Hell, even 43 is so ridiculously young.

But you're right. It sucks when your life doesn't go to plan.

I would have been happy to never have been married or had kids. I wasn't supposed to be a divorced single mum. I wasted a decade of my life with a horrible man who treated me terribly in person and behind my back.

I get it. I'm not worried about never having a relationship again - I'm worried about having another shit relationship.

My NB has consisted of reconnecting with old friends, making a whole bunch of new, fantastic friends and casual dating.

What are the things you love to do? Can you get into some activity where you could meet like-minded people?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Whalers, you and I seem a lot alike. I really get what you are saying. I do have kids and I'm grateful for them but I feel the loss of being a "family" and being a wife. It feels like a void. :(


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Had my first child at 31, second at 35 and third a few days before 38. Just want you to know that it's not over for you yet!

Keep your faith.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I miss being a wife as well, and I'm also very introverted and have no idea how I'd meet someone, and if I did, how to flirt without looking like a bozo!

So, for now, I'm stepping out in other ways-- getting my kids involved in a community organization where I might meet people (probably all married, but they might have single friends) and joining a singing group (which is mostly women, but they might have single male friends!). I'm just working on my social development outside of work and home, and seeing where it goes from there. I figure that the more I focus on an "I want a relationship" mindset, the more unhappy I'll be, and that will make me less healthy and less open to the right relationship (and possibly open to an XWH Part II).

If it helps, I had my kids at 29, 31, and 33, but I am on the YOUNG side in my groups of friends when it comes to having children. Most of my friends either started in their mid-thirties or are starting now in their late thirties.

And my brother is 44 and has a 17 month old baby and another on the way (and these are his only kids).


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday)


The other thing I worry about is getting into a wrong relationship because I am just so damn desperate to be in a relationship again...

I worry about this now - I didn't at first - when I was dating before I was ready. To me, recognizing this is HUGE, it means you are ready to know who fits the bill and who doesn't. In my most recent OLD experience it seems to make a big difference in determining what makes sense for me.

Even though you are introverted, you are enjoying life and that will create opportunities. And it sounds like you now have the tools to handle them.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 23