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Reconciliation
User Topic: He Agreed...Half-heartedly
RavenLocks
New Member
Member # 40396
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

So H agreed to go to a session of couples counseling. He made it very clear that he was just going to sit there and be as vague as possible when asked questions. He wants to be there to support me in healing but says the idea of going to counseling is embarrassing. I feel like he's not willing to put in the effort. He's expressed that he feels I will never forgive him and would probably be happier with someone else. He mentioned this on more than one occasion. I don't know what to do?! I feel like going to counseling alone to figure out what it is that I truly want. I love him so much and know that we can be happy together, its just going to take work. He sulks around a lot and says its because he feels undeserving of me. He is very remorseful. Has anyone gone through this?


BS:34
H:34
MARRIED:7 YEARS
SON: 11 MONTHS
DDAY1: 03/2006
DDAY2: 05/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

Gently,if he were remorseful,he would WANT to go to MC. He would be doing everything he could to be a safe partner for you,and to fix his issues that causes him to cheat.

Going to MC with a WH who is unwilling to participate will do FAR more harm than good.

I suggest you go to IC. And make him going to IC a requirement for R..and hold firm to that. Then,after both of you have been to IC for awhile,then go to MC.
He is embarrassed? Helping heal you,the marriage,and himself should be FAR more important than any embarrassment.

You feel like he's not putting in any effort..because he's not.

Oh..and a brand new WS talking about forgiveness..yeah..that's a sure sign that he isn't remorseful. Forgiveness is earned..over a long time..with consistent,honest actions. Expecting forgiveness now is an indicator that he wants to rugsweep.

And tell him what I told WH when he told me I deserved better...HELL YES you do..so BE better. It will take a lot of work to r after an affair..if he wants to be deserving of you,then he needs to earn it..and DO the work.

New BS's often mistake tears and regret for remorse. True remorse takes time. But once a WS truly "gets it,"you will notice the difference. It will be like night and day.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his phone..passwords too?

Is he answering all of your questions without blame,anger,or defensiveness?

Did he write a NC email to OW..and you sent it?

Has he dropped all friends who knew about the A?

Is he reading any books? Is he on SI?

Did he get tested for STD's?

What is he doing?

((((Ravenlocks))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I haven't personally been through this, although both my wife and I were both resistant to IC. I started IC first, and it was a good experience, then suggested IC to my wife, who was even more reluctant than I was. Once she got in there, she found it to be a very good experience as well. We were both embarrassed and reluctant to go, but that was all because of preconceived notions that we had.

I'm wondering if maybe once your husband gets in there with you and gets a couple of couples counseling sessions under his belt, perhaps he might warm up to the idea?

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

And by the way, welcome to SI.


Posts: 7073 | Registered: Dec 2010
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

He's expressed that he feels I will never forgive him and would probably be happier with someone else

My WH said this to me many times early on. I think it took a while for him to wrap his head around the A and to believe that I was willing to R. I think it was his guilt and fear talking.

Oh..and a brand new WS talking about forgiveness..yeah..that's a sure sign that he isn't remorseful. Forgiveness is earned..over a long time..with consistent,honest actions. Expecting forgiveness now is an indicator that he wants to rugsweep.

I (respectfully) completely disagree with this. My WH was saying these things-not asking for forgiveness-but rather trying to figure out if it was even a possibility. In order to enter R BOTH PARTIES need to feel that the realtionship and R is viable. You have to believe that there is at least a possiblity of success or why bother? BS have a long list of things that they "need" in order to R. Is it so unfair to think that the WS may need some things too? Yes they had the A-but that doesn't mean that they don't need to feel that their efforts will be noticed and appreciated. That after all the hard work they do that there may be forgiveness at the end.

Both WH and I were(are) in IC prior to the A. A few weeks ago we went to my IC who is now our MC. He took it more as he was just going to a session with me. He didn't seem too happy to be going and did it begrudgingly. He was nervous and had a lot he wanted to say in that first session. But now he is much more positive about it. I think once he saw that he was not going to be "ganged up on" and that his feelings were respected that he felt a lot better. After only ONE session he has a completely different attitude about it.

Hopefully your WH will become comfortable with MC and will be able to benefit from it. There is a difference between going through the motions and actually doing the work. You will be able to tell the difference. For now-just give it some time and see how it goes. Commit to the process not an outcome.

[This message edited by canteat at 9:51 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I absolutely agree with Confused! What you are describing is not Remorse but Regret. It may take him a while to get to remorse and you are going to have to set a boundary of IC for both of you and then MC. If he really wants to reconcile, he will start to work hard and figure out his issues. You are new to this, so it may take a little time. Hang in there!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

If a WS is crying over forgiveness and whether they're going to get it..and it's the first few months after dday..then they don't "get it." Yes..they have needs..and have every right to want those needs met. But not until they have shown their BS they are doing the hard work to repair themselves and the marriage. Why should a BS even begin to consider forgiving their WS until some time has passed and actions have been taken to earn that forgiveness?


Forgiveness is not a prerequisite to R after an affair. Some things are just not forgivable. You do not have to forgive to R.

Ravenlocks..if your WH really wants to R..he needs to do the hard work to involved. Sitting around and feeling sorry for himself is more wayward/selfish behavior.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 6