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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Court on Monday...Nerves are Starting
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

NC has made my life bearable. I've moved out mid April. After 9 months of in house seperation. We had a court date on May and I never looked at him. And aside from the one time I drove past him(without so much as a glance his way) I haven't seen him. I haven't been nervous at all after years of walking on egg shells. It has felt really liberating!

I have a pretrial court date on Monday and my stomach is starting to churn a little bit. I have done my best to remember it's going to be OK. That I can do this. I can look out for my own interests. I'm going to go through item by item and see what he has wants offer as a settlement. I just have to remember that if it's not in my best interest I don't have to agree to what is proposed. I'm fully prepared to go to trial. I'd rather not but I will if necessary.

I'm worried that he is going to try to call all the shots. I guess in a way he already has. I didn't want to ever be divorced and here I am. After dday when he told me he didn't want to married he hasn't looked back.

I'm just venting to try to get it out of my system. Requesting mojo or prayers as you are inclined. Thanks!


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

You will be OK.

Have you looked at each item and assigned it a value ( current used price) the. Pick out what you want to have. What you feel you can live without, what you don't want. Then look at it with him in mind. It will give you an idea of what you can negotiate with for a fair and equitable distribution of assets. This little exercise really helped me name what was important to me and to him.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I was TERRIFIED on the date of our first trial. Scared to frickin' death. So I wrote a comforting, inspiring note to myself where only I could see it on my trial evidence binder. My lawyer thought I was crazy. I also brought with me a small string of pretty beads given to me by a friend. There's a little religious story that goes with them, so just suffice it to say I held the beads in my hand & kept my thoughts centered on my spiritual mandates to be honest & courageous. My lawyer thought I was even more crazy.

These two things helped me keep myself focused, centered and not afraid.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8782 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

(((Elaine2012)))

Sending you strength, mojo, and good thoughts. We will be there with you in spirit.




Posts: 30701 | Registered: Mar 2011
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Thank you for the encouragement! I will get through this.
I also brought with me a small string of pretty beads given to me by a friend.
I like the idea of having something to hold onto. It could help to keep me grounded.

I practice keeping a slight smile on my face so as not to have a scowl which I do when I am stressed and worried. Nothing over the top. I don't want to look crazy even if I might be feeling crazy on the inside. Also must remind myself not to eye roll when something stupid is said. I'd look like this
all through court.

I spoke with my L today. She thought if we can't settle Monday we try to leave with a mediator picked and get something set up. Mostly because unless we are in court there is no communication from his side at all.

I want this to be done! I'm ready for my NB.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Assume that he WILL try to call all the shots. Also assume that he will show his ass.

Although you want this done, you will not let that show. You are the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. He cannot touch you with his smallness, his pettiness, his arrogance, or any other rusty object from his ancient manipulation toolbelt.

You've got this, Elaine. And we are all there with you.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22656 | Registered: Aug 2011
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Although you want this done, you will not let that show. You are the epitome of calm, cool, and collected. He cannot touch you with his smallness, his pettiness, his arrogance, or any other rusty object from his ancient manipulation toolbelt.

NIK exactly what I needed to read. I've been thinking that with his NPD he will eventually make an ass of himself. My L saw some of it in May. I've since informed her I'm dealing with someone who has many traits of NPDPA. I just have to let him open his mouth and it will show.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Elaine,

My mediation was last week. I took my 3x5 cards with my affirmations and positive thoughts on them. I could shuffle through them and remind myself of all the good things.

Good luck!


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 592 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

(((Elaine2012)))

Sending mojo


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Elaine,
My mediation was last week also. Go slow, take deep (quiet) breaths, and just look at it like a business deal, as it really is. Before you walk in, focus on something really positive, and just remind yourself that no matter what happens, you have survived worse. It works!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Just a few hours now I'm mostly calm. Mostly. Prayers have been said. Probably wont' stop those for several more hours. Cards are written. Work for a few hours and then off to face whatever happens today. Wish me luck.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Mojo today Elaine2012!

You got this!


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 592 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Except they just postponed!!!!!


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Oh no Elaine, I'm so sorry.
Do you have a rescheduled date?


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 579 | Registered: May 2011
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Oct 14 and my L is trying to set up mediation before that.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Sending a hug and positive thoughts!


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 579 | Registered: May 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Elaine when we were headed to trial the judge made us attend mediation prior to trial. You'll get this out of the way, and then with the trial you'll be finished.

I know yesterday was a let down- but it also gives you more time to heal and gain strength.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It will be okay. Sometimes, you don't have to say a word there, if you don't want to.

I brought with me an "I love you" picture that DD made me and put it in my divorce folder. Whenever the tears threatened, I opened it and saw those words in my daughter's handwriting-a child Nearly Exh will never, ever live with again if I can help it. I know that when she's an adult, she may choose other than me, but it helped to have some of her artwork with me, as I was fighting for her rights in court.

I was scared witless the night before and morning before could hardly function due to nerves. But I learned things about myself too and when under the pressure of being there, I was actually one of the most calm of the group. I had already been nervous, so it ebbed away a little and what happened was that Nearly ExH lost face with whining and some other sh that he couldn't control of himself.

I am in a similar spot as you, Elaine, and going through the stuff in our house and trying to place value on memories, heirlooms, etc. from a life that I did not want to lose, either.

I hope you don't have to go to trial and that mediation will work.

But if you do have to go to trial, it would be some ok karma for your WS to stand before a judge, as I've thought for Nearly ExH. It would be a way to face all that he did.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 18