A recent revelation that has helped me is that this guy, the POSX, that I have to deal with now is really one and the same guy. He didn’t change, he is not being an extra special asshole, he is just who he is and always was.
The difference is that I respect myself now and I no longer tolerate the disrespect.
For me that realisation has helped to take out some of the sting (and resulting anger surges) in having to deal with him to finalise the property settlement. Every interaction now is just an opportunity see him for who he really is and validate myself in making the best decision ever – to leave.
Recent example – he tried to make me use his Hotmail account for correspondence. In our 16 year history I have never used it. That was solely reserved for his secret girlfriends and any other illicit shit he had going on. At first I tried to keep my eye focused on the prize (being financial separation) and went along with it. It chaffed every time. Then I decided that NO, NO I will not be compartmentalised that way. I am not a secret girlfriend, any conversations we have are strictly limited to progressing the separation and this is not the manner in which we have historically communicated in the past. I sent a list of rules for conduct, he agreed. One of them was that I would only communicate via certain emails. He recently tried to reuse his Hotmail. I pushed back and informed him that it was blocked and therefore any communication sent from it could be considered as not received.
It was a small win and yet a huge stride forward for me, I finally started enforcing my boundaries. It feels good.
Even better this has helped me to see that he has not and will not change, he doesn’t see any issue with himself, he is not deliberately being different now in his treatment of me, he is not a different person, he is simply following what he thinks is the status quo. That status quo was me accepting shitty treatment.
This realisation has helped me to let go of the anger his behaviour was triggering, which led to outbursts from me, to now it’s a case of an eye roll and a ‘whatever dick’ feeling. I think I am getting to indifference. Yay!
Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou