SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: How long did it take you to know if you wanted to R?
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I know the general rule is to not make any haste decisions. I am wondering how long it took you to decide to R? How long did it take your WS to decide to R?


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
frigidfire86
Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

It took me a few hours. I'm not one to give up without a fight. My stubbornness isn't always a good thing though. My H broke down a few hours after me, said he wanted to R. Yeah...still waiting for him to do the work required. I still have hope, not as much as I did right after D-Day, but it's still there.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 7:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 625 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I changed my mind many times but solidly for R 1 1/2 years out. I needed to see real change from him.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I knew right away I would fight when I saw the broken, sobbing man I loved in front of me. It took him two months to really really "get" it although he started the basic things right away (NC, transparancy).


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I said yes immediately to R and then after some TT decided to allow six months before making any big decisions.

We are in strong R now, but I still have moments when I wonder what will happen at the end of the six months.

I did some of the 180 after the TT and that was really helpful to ME. It also finished bringing him out of the fog, but I really did it for myself not him.

Someone posted on here once that you can decide not to decide for a while. That feels good.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Lostly88
New Member
Member # 40387
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I knew that we hurt eachother but when we both broke down sobbing and told the turth all the secerts I knew we could make it but it was hard to to prove trust. Even to this day we have sum issues but its hasn't been a year I say follow ur heart if ur ready then start thinking differently cause if u think about the A all the time you just might not be ready and if that's soo give yourself time to heal n he loves you like he says he does he will understand. Good luck my hearts out to you (be strong)


Me_26 EA _ 1 1/2 years ago
Him_24 PA _ 1 year into relationship
Together 5 years
D-day_April 2013 (not sure what day)
May all the pain and sorrow be lifted by the rays of clarity and happiness warm out hearts. 💏

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

My W wanted to R from the start and started doing the right things very consistently.

I wanted to R from the beginning, but I didn't commit to R for 90 days and until I knew I could thrive on my own.

I found SI 2 months out and believed what I read about R being hard - I figured it would be easier to R if I knew I made a free choice from a position of some strength rather than choosing R to avoid being alone, etc.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

We are waiting almost 4months before we attempt R. We are calling this time the processing & information gathering stage. For example, I am looking to have a post nup prior to R. We are also going to go to Retrovaille, which will kick off R.

Granted, that is our plan if all goes well.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 448 | Registered: Jul 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

That is actually a great plan ilinia!!

I'm still thinking about it..,. Trying to heal so I can make a decision.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I took me a week. I was so broken the first few days, I was not sure I was even going to survive. WH never gave up, he was remorsful, persistant, encouraging and present to hold and comfort me.(Weird how the one who caused the pain is the same one that can ease it, kind of like childbirth). 8 months in and I can see the good in trying. Even if we don't make it for the long haul, at least I know I tried.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Just a few hours. I got the message from OW, my H left the house. I pulled myself together enough to put my daughter to bed. Then I told him we needed to talk while the kids were sleeping. I didn't sleep much that night and I certainly didn't want to be touched, but I knew before I laid down that staying was the choice we both wanted. It's been a year and it has been very hard. It still is some days. But we are both still here and overall happy.

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 11