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Just Found Out
User Topic: Just failed
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

So I just failed at my 180.

I went on-line to look at the phone records. My WW has been away all week with my kids and her in-laws and texting and calling the prick of an OM.

She saw that I went in and changed the phone records password and I flipped out on her. Texted her that I am done. I want a D. Her reply "blah blah blah get a life". My reply, "I had one before you shit on me!"

They come back tomorrow. Fun.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Just file for divorce. Be done. Fuck that bitch


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Ouch. I'm sorry. She sounds very cruel.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

She just called and told me tomorrow she is taking me off the wireless plan. And then said she is not being abusive.

How do these cheaters don't see it as abusive? God!


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Yea, lose the dead weight. Lots of WS get mad about snooping. All of them are shitty individuals for that anger...but to tell you to get a life? That is low. Really low. She sounds not only cruel, but also arrogant as fuck.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

She can't take you off the wireless plan without your consent, they like to get paid. Contact the wireless company and reset the password. Then print everything out and keep it for a D lawyer.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Wow - the arrogance is unreal. Keep your head up and see an attorney ASAP.

As an aside - if her name is the primary on the wireless account she CAN remove kg201 - no questions asked.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 532 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I don't really care about the cell. I hate phones anyway.

She texted me to ask whether she would be safe with me when she returns home tomorrow. I responded by saying that she has never been in danger with me (in 18 years of being together I grabbed her by the arm once in anger, about 5 years ago, and I ended up in anger management from that). Her response word for word:

"I beg to differ. You made this choice in the last couple weeks with your erratic behavior that has made me physically ill with a life threatening infection. [She has a bacterial infection from her cancer treatments] The only peace I have had is this vacation. You are also the one who declared, "I am done." I just want to know what is going to happen tomorrow when we get home."

So her 3.5 year affair has nothing to do with my erratic behavior? How does someone you thought was a good person get so f'ed up? No remorse. No remorse. Ug.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Quit responding. She is baiting you and setting you up now. She'll probably try to get a restraining order and have you removed from the house because she feels she is in "danger" and will have the texts to back her up.

Don't reply in writing and if you can, record your conversations so you have proof that you haven't threatened her.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13693 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

*Crickets*

That's is all the response she deserves, IMO.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 532 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

sorry kg - it is beyond frustrating and unreasonable - i will have another bourbon for you right now


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 862 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I agree VAR. I would respond something to the effect. I have not and will not in any way threaten you. The "erratic" behavior you speak of is heartbreak because of your affair. Your cheating on me is making me physically ill.

Copy every correspondence with her and keep it. She is trying to set a trap, you need to be ready. Sorry to sound so cynical, but with women the "I'm afraid of you" route seems to be a big trick in their cheater handbook! I am a woman, but you see it over and over again. I even have an ex-friend that started saying that crap to justify her cheating on her husband.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
CM86
New Member
Member # 40331
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Please please please save every little contact she has with you! She is trying to bait you! I've seen a female do this over and over again to my brother and each time HE has been arrested. Even when we were there and witnessed it all. She is a snake. Saying this doesn't make it easier on you and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce will be good for you. Especially knowing with her attitude she will NEVER be happy. I agree with missy. Make sure it's in writing why you have "erratic" behavior too. That may help you in the future

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Missouri
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone. Last night sucked.

I did send one final text saying something to the effect of "If the situation was reversed and I had started an affair 3.5 years ago on you and continued to do so, then you wouldn't have any erratic behavior?"

I've read on SI how the WS will say some amazing things to defend their behavior, but I am just incredulous that my wife is part of that club. The values and beliefs she is arguing for are so completely opposite of the woman I have seen for 18 years.

Anyway. Morning is here. She and the kids will be here later after a week away. And I need to start putting my 180 armor back on. The dents from last night are there, but maybe today I can do better.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone. Last night sucked.

I did send one final text saying something to the effect of "If the situation was reversed and I had started an affair 3.5 years ago on you and continued to do so, then you wouldn't have any erratic behavior?"

I've read on SI how the WS will say some amazing things to defend their behavior, but I am just incredulous that my wife is part of that club. The values and beliefs she is arguing for are so completely opposite of the woman I have seen for 18 years.

Anyway. Morning is here. She and the kids will be here later after a week away. And I need to start putting my 180 armor back on. The dents from last night are there, but maybe today I can do better.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

You best believe she is in the club and quickly, for your own protection.

....record your conversations so you have proof that you haven't threatened her.

^^ Get a VAR today! Now!

If she comes to some form of prior normalcy - fine, no harm - no foul. But protect yourself!! Everything you write imagine hearing in court - before you hit send.

Whoever she was, for the last 18 years (or I guess 15 of the last 18) she isn't that person right now! She is showing you who she is - believe her.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

cancer or not, just dump her. she has become a danger to you! from what you have told us, I will guarantee you she is going to try to have you arrested


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2671 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

The 180 is doing no good; she probably welcomes it since she has no further interest in interacting with you. She is spiritually gone, enmeshed in the 3.5 year affair with the OM.

Ignoring her is probably a source of humor for her; she has the OM for emotional comfort and can talk to him for hours about what a thoughtless bastard you really are.

When there is no spark of love in her soul for you the 180 process is pointless. Seek legal help and end this marriage, or end up living for years in a relationship where your WW carries on with this affair, and eventually finds a way of evicting you from the home so she can move the OM in. This woman is your enemy and will exhibit an astonishing degree of cruelty in pursuit of her own selfish goals.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

So her 3.5 year affair has nothing to do with my erratic behavior?

Sorry, KG. This does seem to be a line out of the Cheaters Handbook. I got,the EXACT same word--"erratic"--and accusation. Any time I became angry over the course of my wife's two-year affair, I was accused of being "erratic." Horrible mind games and emotionally abusive to be sure.

File, file, file.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

180 is just a phrase. The point is you know what she did and she basically threw it back in her face.

So what is your response?

Already you are negotiating, you're telling her if she was in your shoes blah blah, why?

She is openly disrespecting you. Remove the cheating, in a relationship it's a deal breaker.

So you've told her you want a divorce, are you going to follow through with it or as I suspect she thinks too, you're going to back track and try to nice your way out of this?


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Keep getting back up on the 180 horse, and wear your dented armor proudly.
The 180 is for you only, and leads to detachment and NC from a remorseless schemer.

Do what ppl are telling you about the VAR, and get lawyered-up.
I'd go as far as getting my most treasured possessions and important papers out of the house and safe. In the hands of friends or family.
There is strong potential for you to lose everything. Act accordingly.


Posts: 6484 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

If this were me, I would be very cautious with any interaction I had with my WS. Honestly, it sounds to me like she is setting the stage to make claims that you were threatening her life. I would keep a VAR on me AT ALL TIMES. And I hope you have printed out all your evidence and put it somewhere safe, not in your home.

Also, I think it is incredibly shitty for her to blame her bacterial infection on your behaviour. Blameshifting at its absolute worst. Don't take that guilt on. Good luck.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I am in complete agreement with jjct..I am afraid for you ...Move all of your treasured possessions away from her reach. Physically remove youself from any living situation with her..She may end up costing you your freedom and good reputation within your community.


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Nov 2011
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I think you may need to move out or move to a different part of the house. She is trying to set you up. See a lawyer as soon as possible.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
usedupmyhope
New Member
Member # 38330
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Unfortunately, speaking from experience; lost everything. Lucky or my guardian angel kept me from jail. I've learned how VAWA laws enrich lawyers and judges, and allow woman to unilaterally have you removed from your own homestead, just by saying "she felt threatened".

Restraining orders are the tools used to take the money from the fools. If your smart, take my advice. Take what you can, run. I mean, as in tonight. Go to your Mom. Don't be a fool.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: usedupmyhope
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I'm with a previous few posters. This woman intends to set you up for a false DV claim. From a guy who has been through it myself I want to caution you. It does not matter what the truth is. Once she starts crying DV your ass is cooked. And unless you have hard evidence to the contrary, her accusation is all it takes to have you locked up, removed from your home and have life as you know it taken away from you. She will get a RO and you cant go anywhere near her, your home and your kids. But you still get the pleasure of paying all the bills. And don't think for one second she will not have the OM over while your legally kept away. You are walking a dangerous line with her. Law Enforcement takes DV very seriously. The laws were enacted to help the truly abused. But sadly many a WW have used it as a means to continue affairs without interference from you. Get your ass to a lawyer and file before she gets the chance to screw you over. And get yourself a VAR, keep it on you at all times when speaking to her. And if you have any evidence of her A I suggest you make copies and keep it in a secure place out of the home. Because if she gets you out of the house that shit will be gone. WS are very good liars. And if she tells a good story to the Police your going in. No if's and's or but's about that. And with a DV charge your guilty till proven innocent. That's just the plain fact my friend.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5589 | Registered: Nov 2007
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Check out the laws in your state for use of a recording device. If you can use it without her consent, then do that. But if it's illegal to record her without her knowing, record, but tell you that you are doing so if that's the way your state's laws work.

It's amazing how vile people can become when going through this process. I was terrified of filing against my X, and then he exceeded my expectations.


Posts: 1224 | Registered: Aug 2010
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I am sorry KG but I have to agree with these other folks...your WW seems completely unremorseful and in total me mode. She sounds like someone who want D but doesn't want to file so is trying to push you into it, kind of a screwed up version of if he files then I can take him for more financially. The same with her claims of feeling unsafe, it is another way to try and get all she can financially. If she can claim DV the she can ask for money for pain and suffering. I don't know divorce laws for sure but trust a woman here...our minds can be truly devious if we want them to be. What she is trying to accomplish may not actually be possible when it comes to the law but that won't stop a devious mind once the plan is hashed out in their brain.

She is also in that zone of cancer survivor....I am alive so need to live like I am dying...I am #1 no one else matters. Trust me as a healthcare worker I have seen it before...these types of personalities can become very reckless. So protect yourself.

My advice....take it or leave it....To hell with a total 180. Go into stealth mode, and get your ducks in a row all the while treating yourself well. Kill her with kindness for now,even if you have to choke on it....this way she looses all of her ammunition. Once your ducks are in a row, file for D. If she wants to R and be with you then filing will shake her up enough to do it if not then you sound like a great guy and don't deserve her bullshit.

I hope you find your peace. (((hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 370 | Registered: Aug 2013
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 26th (Monday)

KG

Stronger is right.

Protect yourself. Get a VAR.

Your wife is building a case against you. Go see an attorney today.

And file for D.

HM


Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I can't reiterate enough what previous posters have said..It is possible to file and keep it secret until you are ready to have her served, I would do this if at all possible..And follow the advice of keeping a VAR handy, physially leave the house for a couple of weeks at a time,while you are talking to D lawyers and getting your ducks in a row,but don't stay away from the house long enough to lose your rights to it, lawyers can advise you on that issue.You might have to take frequent short trips away from home and return to it just long enough each time,so that WW won't be able to accuse you of abandonment..Get evidence of her A, and keep it in a safe place.Even in a no fault state, the proof of her A will diminish her credibility when it comes to her accusing you of this or that.


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Nov 2011
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Alot of people have given some great advice, but I think you need to lawyer up and you need to do it today! Good Luck!


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 26th (Monday)

"I beg to differ. You made this choice in the last couple weeks with your erratic behavior that has made me physically ill with a life threatening infection. [She has a bacterial infection from her cancer treatments] The only peace I have had is this vacation. You are also the one who declared, "I am done." I just want to know what is going to happen tomorrow when we get home."

I'm in the medical field and I have never heard of anyone catching a bacterial infection from someone else acting erratically. Wow. A new disease, who knew.


Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 32