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User Topic: Absolutely livid, but do I have the right to be?
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

So I've been planning a trip to Italy to visit my sister over Christmas break. I've been looking forward to it, fantasizing about it and planning to do a lot of fun things for months. This was going to be my big "I survived infidelity and all I got was this fucking awesome trip to Italy" gift for myself.

Apparently, my Mom's piece of shit husband has surprised her with a ticket to Italy. On the same flight I'm taking. I love my Mom, I love spending time with her and she is the greatest Mom in the world but this was not supposed to be a vacation with my Mom. There was supposed to be some level of debauchery (my Mom is a lifelong teetotaler and while she knows I drink, I've never been near her with the slightest bit of alcohol in my system) which is now not going to occur.

I don't know how to deal with this right now. I don't think I've hated the guy so much since he was fucking my Mom while she was still married to my Dad while simultaneously being the pastor of the shitty little church I was forced to attend.

Fuck!


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I think Mom is going to have to have a tour guide or group and you go do your own thing.

Sounds like so much fun and a perfect

I Survived Infidelity
gift to yourself !
Don't let Mom stop your plans.

Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20375 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Is there anyway you can change your plans? My sisters and I love our mom very much and love spending time with her, but mom and sister time is different than just sister time. Us sisters need just sister time.

How presumptuous of the pos husband to intrude upon your trip. You have every right to be livid and I would seriously consider changing your dates. For me, a trip to Italy would probably be a once in a lifetime event and I would want it the way I want it 'cause I won't have a second chance.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I would be furious too. She's hijacking your vacation without asking. Not cool.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13748 | Registered: Jul 2011
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Don't let Mom stop your plans.

I don't think Mom is terribly pleased with him either. She understands that this is not what I had in mind. I think she's stuck between a rock and a hard place too. I want to throw a fucking fit about it but my sister has an 11 month old son and it's really hard for my Mom to be this far away from him. I'd feel selfish if I did and both of us have paid well over $1000 for our tickets so there isn't much that can be done there.


Is there anyway you can change your plans?

No. My brother in law is in the Air Force and they will be moving back next November. The only time I can get more than a week off of work is the two weeks I get for Christmas Break and I can't afford to go if I have to pay for lodging on top of the airfare and food. This is probably the only opportunity I'll ever have to go.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:04 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I don't know your mom or what your relationship with her is like, so let me ask you this: Is she the sort of woman who is independent and likely to let you do your own thing, or are you going to be guilted into being her tour guide and constant companion?

Whatever your answer to that question is will tell you whether or not you need to change the dates of your visit. If she's clingy, she'll hijack your visit, annoy you to no end, and spoil what should be an incredible experience.

And as for your mom's husband: FTG. You have every right to be livid. Why isn't she going with him? The whole set up smells.

ETA: Oh, I see that you can't change the dates. Well, I hope you're able to be honest with your mom and set up some ground rules so that you get some space.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

She's hijacking your vacation without asking. Not cool.

To be fair, she wasn't given any input in the matter either. The controlling fucking asshole just surprised her with tickets.

Is she the sort of woman who is independent and likely to let you do your own thing, or are you going to be guilted into being her tour guide and constant companion?

She is perfectly fine being independent but my sister is too hospitable to leave her to fend for herself. This means I'll be going out with my BIL while my sister and my Mom spend a lot of time together. I absolutely love my BIL but I'd also like to spend some time getting into trouble with my sister and I'm about 99% sure that isn't going to happen now.

If she's clingy, she'll hijack your visit, annoy you to no end, and spoil what should be an incredible experience.

She isn't clingy at all but I wouldn't feel comfortable stumbling into the apartment completely shitfaced at 3:00 in the morning with her there either. As stupid as it may be, that was part of my plan. I want to be able to do what I want to do while I'm there without feeling guilty for it.

And as for your mom's husband: FTG. You have every right to be livid. Why isn't she going with him? The whole set up smells.

No shit, huh? My Mom is his third wife. He cheated on the second one with her. Could the karma bus be headed in my Mom's direction? Things could get ugly.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Why can't the date of your Mom's visit be changed?


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Why can't the date of your Mom's visit be changed?

Same question is in my mind. Surely your mom's trip can be changed. Heck, I think I'd pay the change fee!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9684 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Why can't the date of your Mom's visit be changed?

That's my only hope. My sister isn't terribly thrilled by this development either. She is going to try to talk my Mom into coming out at a different time. I just don't know how to approach it without feeling like a complete asshole.


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

h0peless - you are SO not the asshole in this picture. I hope things can be worked out so you can get the vacation YOU planned and your mom can get (at a different time) time with grandson.

(((((hugs)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Maybe sis can't afford both of you at once or doesn't have room for two of you at once. Maybe Mom can go at Thanksgiving and help with the cooking? That way she gets to go sooner.

BTW, a trip to Italy is an awesome NB!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I know I am going to be in the minority but I read the ticket as more of her kids are going to be together and she might have said in passing how nice to have you both in one place and How she wished she could go to have her kids and her husband realized she is aging and with families getting together is rare so surprised her.

I can understand how you feel like just relaxing but your main trip is a celebration. Don't let anyone ruin that. Make your plans and invite them to some but otherwise let them know you will be out. If you want to have a drink or two buy some alcohol when you are out and keep some in your room or somewhere in the kitchen and after she goes to bed then have a drink. Or simply say you will be gone and explore a few vineyards. Maybe even one night she could help watch the baby and you and your sister can go out and she can show you around-a treat for her too - her brother and baby free.

Congrats on surviving and thriving! Have fun! What you don't want is to let this ruin your trip then you will be bummed. Safe travels

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:26 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 979 | Registered: Jul 2012
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Just me, but you are an adult. Drink if you want to drink. No disrespect to your Mom, but does not seem like she could say much considering the background you gave. Maybe this s a good time to start being authentic and living like you want. Plus you and your sister now have a babysitter when you go out!


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Take into account that your sis may not be the same energentic sis you partied with. She now has an 11-month-old son, so her bedtime may be much earlier now.

Sis and mom may retire earlier and have some mother/daughter bonding time with the kiddo, and you and your brother-in-law can engage in a bit of debauchery.

It's Italy!!!! You're a grown man!! Have a great time!

[This message edited by clralb at 1:38 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Is there any chance of you and Sis going away together in Italy for a couple of nights... Just the 2 of you? And leaving grandma behind to
Enjoy 1 on 1 with her grandson????

That way you and Sis can have a couple of great nights out, Sis can sleep in and get a well deserved rest and grandma gets special time with the little one?

Sounds like a win win win solution????


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Thanks for the different perspectives. I'm not as angry as I was yesterday and a lot of good points were made here. Having my Mom along for the ride won't be the end of the world, even if it isn't what I had planned. It will make her happy and maybe she can watch the baby while the rest of us go out. Everybody would enjoy that.

I haven't done much international travel. Other than frequent day trips to Mexico when I was a teenager and my honeymoon in the Dominican Republic, I haven't been outside of the US. I was really looking forward to planning my own trip and going by myself. My Mom's husband is a presumptuous asshole but there isn't anything that can be done about it now so I guess I might as well make the best of it.

[This message edited by h0peless at 12:09 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Just me, but you are an adult. Drink if you want to drink.

Yep. My parents don't drink either and I don't let it stop me.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 18