SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Broken and Calloused
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
What?  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I'm new to the forum and have found many of the posts to be helpful. D-Day for me was July 24,13. It was the last straw for me. I found yet another way my husband was "chatting"with his coworker late at night on his phone. This was after we had decided to reconcile after finding out on July 8,13 that they were still calling each other before, during and after work hours. He admitted to me that he has feelings for her as a good friend (how many of you have heard that one before?) and that he loves her like a sister.

I had given him an ultimatum at that point and was promised that he had ended it. We were working on our marriage and seemed to be making progress until I checked his phone one night and found an app that allowed him to chat without leaving a record. He accidently left it up and running. I told him it was over and he actually acted surprised. He begged for one more chance and promised that was the last thing they had been doing. He actually showed more remorse this time than anyother time before. I was reluctant but I told him I would give him one more chance.

I have all his paswords, he has been answering all my questions and whenever I have literature for him to read he will read it. I was writing in a journal and sharing it with him and we would discuss my feelings. It seemed that things were going well until I got one of those "gut"feelings. Maybe it was wrong for me to do this but I installed a spy program on his phone so I could listen to his surroundings and keep track of basically everything he did. I was searching for confirmation that his interaction with the OW was purely professional like he told me it was. Well, surprise! He continues to joke around with her and talk to her about unrelated work topics. I confronted him and asked him 3 times if he was talking to her and joking around with her. All three times he told me no. Yet another LIE.

After having a heated discussion about it he finally admitted that he needed to set stricter boundaries. The only reason he lied to me was to protect me....HA! He asked me to help him by reminding him everyday about those boundaries.

I used to feel excited to try and make things work but now I am feeling broken and calloused. I have my shield up and feel like he is telling me the things he thinks I want to hear. I am feeling manipulated. I know all the chatting, texting, facebooking and phone calls have stopped. He is accountable for his time and I know where he is all the time. I am not sure I would say the affair is still happening but his lack of boundaries with her raises a huge red flag for me.

I've started pulling back from him and told myself I was going to stop "chasing"him. He needs to prove to me that he wants me and this marriage to work. I just read about the 180 this morning and think it is a good idea. I plan to implement it immediately.

Should I be making a big deal about his boundaries with her? I told him I wasn't ok with it. The fact that he lied to me again really has set me back. I offered to take the spy software off his phone and he told me to keep it on there as it would serve as a reminder for him to stay within his "new"boundaries. The roller coaster of emotions is taking a toll on me. Sometimes I think maybe he is sincere and that it will take some time for him to break away from her and other times I feel like I'm being played.

I'm a stay at home mom. I homeschool my two youngest while my oldest is just entering college this year. It is hard for me to keep busy enough not to think about everything all day long. I need some new hobbies and to take better care of myself. Any advice at this point would be appreciated. Thanks for taking time to read my story. Feel free to ask any questions.


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Hi Vickybear.
Is OW married? If so, expose her unacceptable behaviour with your H to her H. It will help you in your situation.
Also, I can understand that you feel broken- your H has repeatedly betrayed your trust even when he promised to cut off contact with OW or behave in a more appropriate way around her. You also need to be sure he hasn't taken some other means to contact her- new email account or phone.
If I were you, I would also ask him to contact his work HR department so that they know of the situation. You don't want a situation of harrassment and if possible, contact between them should be limited at work.
Pulling back is a way of protecting yourself from further hurt- the 180 may help you with this as your H does not seem serious about ending this EA or committing to you. I hope for your sake it was only EA. Working late? It may have been a PA.
I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation - it hurts, it feels soul destroying. Please take proper care of yourself and your children. You need to do this. Also, see the Healing Library- it is a great resource to find further help. It's on the yellow tab on the left. SI is a supportive and caring community. You will find help and strength here.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

If your husband had nothing to hide he would have no need to lie to you. Clearly he can't be trusted. I don't fault you for installing spy wear on his phone- if I could do the same on my WH blackberry I would in a hot minute.

I will keep my fingers crossed that he pulls his head of his ass and realizes that you won't stand for such treatment.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Yes the ow is married and I have already sent a message to her husband. I had even called her st one point and asked her to back off. She told me she would do that. When I found out they were still chatting I sent her a nasty text calling her a fb and liar. Made me feel good at the time. I know this is adolescent but I printed a picture of her out and put it in my dog's litter box so she could get sh*t and peed on regularly. That makes me feel better sometimes too.


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
Frustrated  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

So after him asking me to reconcile AGAIN and this time he promises to stop all contact that is not work related. He says he is going to write her a letter setting bounderies. We will see if he really writes it. I would like to believe that he wants to reconcile. We made a plan that if he cant keep NC then this is it and we will get divorced if this happens again. He said this is make it or break it and he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

Now I am struggling with whether I should give 100% of myself to making this marriage work or do I back off to protect myself from getting hurt again because I still have doubts that he cant give her up?

Here I am back at square one again on that stinking emotional roller coaster. I suppose I should be greatful that he is willing to try and work things out? Or is he just playing me along some more?


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Hi Vickeybear!

I am so sorry you are going through this. My WH had a 'friendship' with a coworker as well.

He says friend, I think EA at the least, he says not really. I think it could have been a PA as well.

Would love to know what spyware you have on the phone.-HA!

Anyway, if he is still working with her it is going to be very, very difficult to R with someone who isn't really 'buying' into what you are saying. KWIM?

This was my WH. My plus was that the OW does not live close and he did not see her every day. So while he was with me I knew he wasn't seeing her at all. Communication he limited to when I was in front of him (or so the phone records showed). Who really knows since they can have apps and other phones to conduct their crap.

Does your WH see her every day? How long has it been going on?

One way to deal with this is to go into stealth mode. Basically, you pretend that you buy their 'story', you back off but you track everything. Using your secret app, a VAR in his car, and maybe even a PI you start watching to see what is happening. You will find something this way if there is something to find.

Are you in IC? You really need to get yourself into that to help you with all the emotions you have flying around inside. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating, sleeping, drinking?

Your first priority is you and your kids. Your M can be fixed but you almost need to know what you are dealing with before you can fix it.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Trust yourself VickyBear. You know what you need to do for yourself to get through this.
Time will tell if he is genuine or playing you. Hope for the best, but be on your guard with his actions.
He has proven in the past that he couldn't be trusted. You are right to be suspicious of him.
However, I hope he has come to his senses this time and will fully commit to healing your M.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm using stealth genie to spy on him. He knows about it now and says I should keep it on his phone as it helps remind him of his boundaries. The ow lives an hour away but they do have to interact at work. It is a small business. My wh was using the app called hangouts to chat with her which made it more difficult to catch. But he got caught anyway. I told him last night if we were going to reconcile that everything needed to be out in the open because Ieways find out, it's just a matter of time. He insisted that I knew everything is now.


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I like what brokensmile (we have the saddest names, don't we?) says. I think I'd lay low, be loving (you DO still love him, don't you?), and watch (record, track, etc.).

Can he change jobs? I can't imagine my WH seeing his lover everyday. What torture! Even more, I don't see how the fog can lift if he's still near her. How can you contrast favorably with her if she's always dressed for work and you're dressed for homeschooling; she's being flirtatious while you're being demanding (please mow the lawn, please buy these groceries). That's not a fair playing field. Work is the fantasy realm and home is real life. If he's still infatuated with her, that work situation's gotta change.

There is something SO disturbing to me about spying on them. Don't get me wrong; DO IT! You have to know; you have to protect yourself. But really? We have to be their mothers? We have to nag them to be "good boys?" I hate that part (along with a good many other parts).

In my case, I can't check his phone or iPad records since he works in a classified job and has work "toys." So as much as I'd like to check up on him, I can't. It's meant that other, more subtle means are needed for him to regain my trust. So far, he's doing it right. There've been a few things he's done that've bothered me, but I simply think they're manifestations of his imperfectness, not his lack of commitment or his re-engagement in the A. Because day by day, week by week, we're growing closer. His words and actions and gestures are becoming more sincere and loving. He IS in love with me again.

I didn't do a 180 (probably the opposite); I hadn't been on this site yet. I see the wisdom in a 180 if the husband is fence-sitting, but if he's "saying" he wants to commit and is doing some of the motions, I think it best to pretend to trust. At first.

In the meantime, work on yourself. I'm a HUGE proponent of this. What do you have to lose? It's good for you, it's good for your marriage, it's good for your future (if your M ends), it's good for your children. Get your haircut in a style YOU--not your husband--has always wanted. Don't know that I'd choose one he hates (unless/until we separated or divorced), though. Start an exercise program (endorphins make you happy--and happy women don't murder their husbands). Make a weekly date with a friend for a manicure/pedicure, coffee, walks, movie, lunch--whatever. Buy a new outfit (even if it's at Goodwill). Work on a huge project (scrapbooking, reorganizing the pantry) that makes your life better or easier or happier. Plant a flower garden. Take a class from the local JC or CC or online from MIT. Just do something to repair your shattered self-image.

I like myself better than I have in years. I've lost 45 pounds, planted flowers again, am learning Spanish . . . My kids think I'm pretty cool, too. I'd lost myself in those years leading up to his A. Whether he stays or goes, I will come out a winner. And I need to know that.

Good luck! And hugs.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Thank you Ripped soul. I appreciate everything you had to say. Changing jobs isn't an option right now. We live in a small town and with him being the only income it makes it hard. Have to say thoug that the ow is butt ugly and huge as a barge. (of course there's a little exaggeration there). I make it a point to refresh my make up and make sure I'm not looking frumpy when he gets home. He has noticed the change and likes it. I do love him very much. I don't think I would have put up with all this if I didn't. What kind of advice can you give to help him fall back in love with me? I don't want to smother him.

I am trying to take better care of myself. I've never been one to exercise much but I'm trying to get some kind of routine going.

Congratulations on reconciling and taking such good care of yourself. You sound like a woman with high self esteem now. Maybe someday I will be able to say those helpful things to someone who needs to hear them. Thanks again,
Vickeybear


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

So after him asking me to reconcile AGAIN and this time he promises to stop all contact that is not work related. He says he is going to write her a letter setting bounderies. We will see if he really writes it. I would like to believe that he wants to reconcile. We made a plan that if he cant keep NC then this is it and we will get divorced if this happens again. He said this is make it or break it and he didn't want to hurt me anymore.
Now I am struggling with whether I should give 100% of myself to making this marriage work or do I back off to protect myself from getting hurt again because I still have doubts that he cant give her up?


Here I am back at square one again on that stinking emotional roller coaster. I suppose I should be greatful that he is willing to try and work things out? Or is he just playing me along some more?

It's most unfortunate, but you've given this man a lot of "one more chances" and each and every time he's betrayed you - only to be rewarded with even more "one more chances."

The roller coaster stops when you stop it.

What you're doing isn't working, Vickeybear. Unfortunately, you've given him so many "last chances" that it just doesn't mean anything to him anymore.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 12:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
DOH!  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Well, he did write the letter and said he gave it to her, I have a copy of the letter and it was a good letter. He even told her that the break was permanent. I should be happy about this. He has been treating me well and telling me how much he loves me and how pretty I am. But, I am still on that roller coaster wondering if this is really going to be it. I told him this morning of my fear that maybe this wasn't going to be it. He told me he knew what the consequences are and that he was doing the right thing.

It is hard to believe when I have been lied to so much.


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Vickybear:
My situation is eerily almost exactly like yours. Would you like me to tell you how things will be for you in the future?

First, let me tell you that my DD was April 2010. All the exact things happened – they worked together – when I discovered the affair – he swore it was over blah blah. There were constant broken NCs.

You’re going to find out that what you think is an EA is actually a PA. Yep, I know, its hard to believe that YOUR husband (who you might think right now is somehow “different”) would actually do something like that – you think he just wouldn’t go that far. You’re going to find out differently.

You give him one pass after another, because basically, he’s a good guy, isn’t he? He’s been a good provider, good father –and he’s just made a stupid mistake, hasn’t he? You need to help him through this rough time, don’t you? You can take the lead and explain to him all the things that he needs to do and you’ll do your part by making some changes too. Right?

In the meantime, he’s figuring out ways to stay in touch with the OW.

And every time you discover ANOTHER broken NC – he’s devastated at his behavior. He tells you he loves and he’s SO sorry, isn’t he. He loves you and wants you and the marriage and the children.

Meanwhile, he’s thinking “wow, she’s really getting good at watching me, I need to be better at hiding what I’m doing. I do love my wife, but…darn, this OW..I just can’t seem to let it go.”

Remember Vickybear – “can’t” – means “WON’T”

They work together – its hard to find another job – I read all those posts too – and I’d think “you don’t understand, this is his livelihood, he can’t just quit”

Well – guess what, he either finds another job or this will continue. They see each other every day. How is he supposed to break this addiction. That’s like asking an obese person to work in a donut shop all day and not eat the donuts. Can’t happen.

My H was in his mid-50s, in a VERY specialized position where he made a lot of money. Guess what? I finally gave him an ultimatum – the job or the marriage. He found another job, a BETTER job. It took a long time, but he did it. Actually, if I had to do it over again, I’d have made him leave immediately and he would have had to figure things out. NOT ME. I know, it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. As long as they see each other every day the affair is not over.

I can tell you right now whats going on – the PA part of the affair is probably over and they’re just talking as friends. Reminiscing about all the fun they had before you found out. He doesn’t see the harm in it because he loves you and doesn’t want a divorce. They’re just friends. No harm in that.

I did the same thing you are doing. Find broken NCs, throw a tantrum, we’d have a talk, everything would be ok for 2 months. Then I’d find another broken NC. This went on for 2 ½ years POST DDay. Please don’t be me and posting to someone else here someday that you put up with this nonsense for so long.

Your H is not a child, he KNOWS what he is doing. HE needs to stop it. You can’t make him do it, he has to want to do it. As long as all he has to do is put up with your tantrums for a few days, and everything goes back to normal, he can deal with it.

Why does he need your help keeping boundaries? Is he a child? My H used the same excuses too. And I would try to help him until I finally got so disgusted (because there were more broken NCs) and stopped that nonsense. He’s not a child – he KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong. You’re being way too nice. I was too.

He wrote a letter, says the break is permanent. That’s what you want to hear, right? Talk is cheap. He understands the consequences now. I really don’t think so, what consequences has he really suffered?

Your fear “this isn’t going to be it” – Vicky – that’s not a fear, consider it a reality.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Nov 2007
CATransplant
Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

(((Vickeybear))) My heart goes out to you. Your story makes me want to cry. I have done nothing else but read everything I could get my hands on about infidelity, the why's, hows, and result. EA or more you need to let him know that any and I mean any contact at all is wrong. He needs to make a quick exit if he is truly committed to you and your marriage. He will not be able to fight for you and fight his addiction. Yes it is an addiction, one he is trying to balance with you and your needs. I only see you being as hurt even more than you bare now. Please take care of yourself. You put yourself first, your H is not.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

He knows about it now and says I should keep it on his phone as it helps remind him of his boundaries.

Not to be overly pessimistic and jaded, but watch for a secret cell phone now...

I make it a point to refresh my make up and make sure I'm not looking frumpy when he gets home. He has noticed the change and likes it. I do love him very much. I don't think I would have put up with all this if I didn't. What kind of advice can you give to help him fall back in love with me? I don't want to smother him.

Vicky, your husband didn't cheat because your makeup wasn't fresh when he got home. He cheats and lies because something is wrong with him inside. You might be able to get a spark back by taking some extra pains but it will be temporary. If he isn't capable of being faithful, no amount of work on your part will fix his brokenness.

HE should be working to figure out how he can win YOU back, not the other way around.

He's shown he will lie and had not shown remorse. Be very careful with this guy. Actions, not words. They can always SAY what we want to hear but far fewer of them actually do the real work to change.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 15