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Just Found Out
User Topic: I can't handle the truth
Alexa
New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I've been saying that all I want is the truth but now that I know a little more I'm not sure that was a good idea. It only made me fell more resentful and hateful towards him. I thought this has only been going on the last two years. Come to find out, it goes back about 10 years before our current problems even began. I'm so shocked that I am numb. We went to 2 MC sessions and I'm ready to be done with this marriage but then other times I want to work through it. This is a huge roller coaster ride of emotions.


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I just made a post with my situation and I can tell you in my experience it is a roller coaster ride. Some days I want to work it out and other days I want to scrap it completely. I'm sorry you're going through this.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I feel sad with you. The pain and shock last a while. The roller coaster lasts along time, but the dives down will become farther apart over time. You will still be surprised that when the roller coaster dives, it still goes way, way down.

I too wanted to know all the details...there weren't so many, since it was a short EA, with them falling in luuurve and wanting to get M. 10 years of details would probably have probably been a dealbreaker for me.

It is good that you are not desperate to keep the M. You can take care of yourself as you figure out if the 10 years of A's are a deal breaker for you.

We are all here to listen. We've been there too, though our stories are not exactly the same, the feelings seem to be.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

I think it's entirely inaccurate that you can't handle the truth. You must not confuse you having an authentic reaction to learning of a truly major, long-term betrayal versus you not being able to handle the truth.

What does not being able to handle the truth look like? You sticking your fingers in your ears & loudly shouting "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA"? Having a breakdown & needing to be put into a padded room? What? Or do you have some silly notion that you should be capable of hearing that the scope of his betrayal goes back over a decade and you shouldn't even bat an eye, you should just perhaps arch an eyebrow and murmur, "That's nice, Dear"?

I'm challenging you because I want you to reframe how you see yourself. Clearly you CAN handle the truth. You've heard the news and not spontaneously combusted. You've been able to take care of your bodily functions on your own. You were able to log on to your computer, come here and articulate your thoughts. This is what handling the truth looks like. You're pissed off. You're stunned. You're conflicted. This is how normal people handle the truth.

Life is messy. Handling the truth is messy. You're doing a fine job.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

It will be hard to hear, but if you are like me, you would rather know than not know. At least if you know what you have to heal from, you can start the process. You'll have to heal from it no matter what or you carry it with you. It's not pretty...I know stuff now that I should have known 5 months ago and it's not fun but it's the only way to process it.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

ALexa, I so hear you. Your world is blow apart because of finding out about A. Then you find out that there is also B. And oops, forgot to mention a few years ago that C happened as well. For me, it started with finding out about his on-line activities. When confronted, I found out about his ONS. Then I found out about the EA with the stripper that had been going on off and on for years. Then I found out about the strip club activities that started about 4 years into our 21 year marriage.

And each and every discovery was another stab wound to me. I have literally walked through my house screaming at the top of my lungs at God that I couldn''t take one more damned thing. Just take me now. Because it threw into doubt my entire married life with him.

Look. Better in than out. Now is the time to find out everything. Because you don''t want to go through this type of agony again a year from now, two years from now, five years from now. Get it all out. Get it all over. It''s horrible, it hurts, and it is NOT fair. But get to the bottom of this wound now so that you don''t have to deal with it festering up again. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I agree with the others.
"Handling the truth" does not equate staying in the marriage.

I call this the "gathering information" stage and definitely part of it is being here and listening to what others are saying.
The other parts involve finding out what you can, and looking within yourself to understand if what you know is a dealbreaker.

I do get that at a certain point you may decide what you DO KNOW is a dealbreaker and that you will exit the marriage without any more information about the affair(s).

That is also OK.
But remember that to heal from any of this, some people have to know exactly what "it" is that you're healing from.

Moving forward, even if forward is divorce, you may still wonder if you have/had the whole story.

In the end, most people can only clean the wound by digging into it and getting out all the poison.

It's a horrific feeling knowing that someone you loved, trusted with your life and heart, has done this to you when-no matter the situation-no one deserves it.

Know in your heart that it was nothing you did or did not do, it was not about who you are, or are not.

It is about THEM. What they can't handle, what they can't provide and what they can't understand.

You're stronger than you think you are-we all are.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Alexa
New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. This is going to be one long roller coaster ride.

Nature girl
You are absolutely right. I am handling it I suppose. Just having a difficult time processing it. Who wouldn't, right? Thank you for the post. It actually made me laugh. Something I needed.


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Nature Girl is a rockstar! She spoke truth. Re-read her post. It's BRILLIANT!!! And I will second what she said: obviously, you CAN handle the truth.

(((Alexa)))


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

NatureGirl hit it spot on......you can handle the truth.

If you heard the truth and lived to tell your story.....then you clearly are handling the truth.

You are experiencing what each of us here has experienced. I say this not to make less of your situation but to affirm with you that you are not alone.

I was in a similar situation less than a year ago. DDay#1 I found out about OM#2. Not only did my WW not tell me about the OM#1, OM#3, OM#4, or OM#5 when I asked her....she didn't even divulge the information when we started MC and the counselor told her to answer truthfully any and all questions that I have.

It wasn't until a friend who learned of her affair told her to come completely clean with me, that she finally came out with all the gory details of the other men and when it had started. By the way, the friend who learned of the affair didn't even know about the other 4men.

I will be completely honest with you......when the news of the other 4men came to light, I was on the verge of calling it quits and filing for divorce. But I stuck it out and decided to move forward with R. Even after DDay#2 and DDay#3.

You will make it through this. You are still breathing and your heart is still beating, which means you will survive.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 10