Just Found Out
User Topic: What would you ask the AP?
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Given the chance, and assuming that the AP would be completely honest, what would you ask?

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Did you ever think about me?
Did you ever worry you would get caught?

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

"Why haven't you stepped out into fast-moving traffic yet?"
"No one likes you, your parents don't even love you and the world would be a better place without you in it, so why haven't you offed yourself yet?"

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Interesting. I've been thinking about calling the OW and asking her to meet up and talk to me.

Probably ask for some details about the affair that my WH may have left out. Like did he buy her anything, did they ever go out of town, confirm the start and end date.

Ask her how she felt when she divorced her husband to be with him and he couldnt do the same? Then point and laugh and punch her in the face. Maybe not the last part but it feels good in my head.

Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

FacePunched... may have to add some of that too

Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Why should I not tell your boss about this?

Are you a sex/love addict too?

Was he a selfish jerk to you, too? don't want to be a break up the home of two innocent kids who have done NOTHING to you, nothing to deserve the stress this has brought to the very home you did not want to wreck.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I thought about this for a sec, and then I realized that I would have nothing to say to her. Not now.

If you had asked me this just after DDay I would have had SO many questions I was dying to ask.

Now, I'm not even compelled to give her a piece of my mind. Ahhh what a difference a few years make.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I had a chance to ask my wife's AP face to face. I asked why he was a weak coward who cheated on his wife and was a destroyer of families. How could he shake my hand and smile as if we were friends and do this with my wife behind my back. I asked him if he thought he was a tough guy now? That question came from an intercepted text between my WW and him when he asked what would happen if I found out. He apparently thought he was a chivalrous man and would defend my wife's "Not intact Honor" against me. I found that one to be hilarious. Its funny what cheaters come out and say between there selves. By the way I didn't get an answer, only a stare at the ground while I watched his wife brow beat him and give him medical attention all at the same time.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

"Any last words?"

Just kidding. I have nothing to say to the AP.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Good one!

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I spoke to the OW on Dday, when I saw the text messages. Then a few days afterwards. She was very honest with me, naive and very immature. In fact, I really wanted to hate her but my true self would only allow me to comfort her. I couldn't help but mother her.

For a while after I regretted not losing my shit on her but I think I killed her with kindness instead.

I did send her nasty FB messages later that made me feel a little better for a short time. In the end I feel good about being decent because it spelled out clearly what as asshole my husband was to cheat on me.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

"Any last words?"


And "does that rearranged face hurt much?" (No, I never hit OW...just a fantasy.)

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

H's FOW called me, presumably to apologize.

I told her she was wasting my cell minutes.

I hung up.

I really could not be less interested in anything that might fall out of her mouth.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 40409
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I would only ask them how they can sleep at night. Especially because they both knew my WH was with me.

I have called them both out and told them everything I wanted to say.

I just don't understand how anyone could knowingly inflict such damage and torment on someone who has done nothing to hurt them.

I have a feeling in my case that the OW got a feeling of 'power' knowing that I would eventually be hurt by their actions.

I am a peaceful person, but I want to know how they sleep at night, knowing what they've done to other people.

BS ( Me)- 28
WH -26

D-Day May 1 2013
D-Day#2 Aug. 7th 2013
in R and working at it

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NAmer/SAmer
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Nothing she has to say will ever be of interest to me.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5297 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I would not ask her a thing. She isn't worth the carbon dioxide expelled in addressing her.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

AP in my case had:
1) paralysed a female due to an abrupt breakup.
2) had a GF who still writes poems about him in local newspapers.
3) had a bad accident that put him in a coma for 3 days and rods in his arm and leg.
4) persued a married woman in his office, but she was lucky to join her husband overseas before she could be destroyed by his charms.
5) mesmerised my exW in my absence.

What you think I have to ask such a seasoned campaigner ?

I have a lot of questions for God though. Something to the effect of " I have nothing against you God, it's your fan club I can't stand".

I lost my child's company, and he posted his picture on FB with his child ( my friends told me) I don't bother to follow him.

I have nothing to say.....

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

How much cash money did he give you?
How much was the total value of the gifts he gave you, including hotel rooms & dinners out?
Did you know he is/was married?
Do you know that your dalliance with him is what finally broke our marriage?
Considering that you claimed family was very important to you on your Prison Pen Pal dating profile, how do you feel about the fact that you helped destroy the family of three children and an innocent wife?
Did you know that he kept dozens, maybe hundreds, of photos of you and other women blowing him & other sexual activity where the kids could find them?
How do you feel about the fact that me & many others have seen these photos?
Are you planning to marry him?
Are you still involved with drugs?
Do you drink?
Do you swear around children?
What kind of a stepmother are you prepared to be of little kids?
What is your religious orientation?
What other convictions do you have?
How long is your parole?
Are any of the people in your life child molesters or sexual deviants like STBX?
Are any of the people in your life involved with drugs, alcohol abuse, or engaged in criminal activity?
Are you a prostitute too?
What is your driving record like?
What kind of music are you going to be playing around my children?
What kind of movies & TV shows are you going to let my kids watch?
What kind of safety measures will you be taking to keep my children safe when they are around you?

ETA: You do realize that STBX is dating you in order to get access to your daughter, right? She's young like he likes, she has long hair that's black like he likes. It's not you he's after, it's her. Keep her safe.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 11:41 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 40402
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I asked her for a better time line as to when they got together. She never answered. She did tell my WH that I scared her. Apparently being completely polite to her scared the crap out of her.

my WH even saw the messages I sent her, he agreed that I had said nothing worth her being scared.

Me: BS (20)
Him: WS (25)
D-day: 5/22/13
One infant, two miscarriages, and One stillbirth.
Together seven years; Married two.
Trying to R.
I have survived worse; I can survive this too.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2013
New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I don't think I would ask her anything but I would tell her that God is punishing her to a life without children because she is fucking another woman's husband. She is currently going through a "medical procedure" so she can have a baby with the husband she is cheating on. Guess which guy paid for the medicine to get her knocked up?Clue: not the one she's married to.

Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I would ask how it feels to spend tons of money paying for fake boobs, fake tans, fake nails, and fake hair trying to make yourself appear perfect on the outside...and still not be able to lure him away from his fair skinned, slightly overweight wife with breasts that aren't as "perky" after breastfeeding his 3 babies.

Congrats, captured the attention of the worst he had to offer...the lying, cheating, miserable man.

Gold star for you.

How does that feel, Bitch?

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

IF I could get an honest answer, I would ask the OM if he and my wife had a threesome with someone else. I have a sneaking suspicion, as well as some small evidence they did, but I doubt very much I will ever get to the truth. My wife still insists she has told me everything, but I don't think she would ever admit to having a threesome.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I'd like to think that I would have nothing to say to her. Who really knows unless I find myself in that situation?

In the days immediately following DDay I would have wanted her own timeline, as a form of confirmation that what WH was saying was true.

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Nothing. And when the day comes when I do meet him, that is what I will say. Nothing.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

"How can you honestly sit there and say you don't want to hurt my family and that you are "supporting" MY husband through trying to work things out with me all the while you are fucking him?".

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I can't ask her anything for fear of what she might tell me. You see my husband was the one who chased her to have the affair. She could hurt me more than help me. From the sounds of her voice mails she sounds mean and vindictive.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I don't know all of the OW my SAFWH was with since they were all prostitutes. The email that busted him had info about the last one he was with so I was able to find her on FB & found out that she only lives about a mile from our house. I'll come back to this thread with an update if I ever run into her at the local WalMart!

BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Why would she, a single woman, go after a married man when she could have had a single man without the baggage of a wife?

What did they teach in divinity school about screwing married men?

If your whole life revolves around peace and justice for all, where did I fit into that mold? No peace and justice for the BW, just whores?

You espouse a sisterhood of women that we are all liberated of men and should stand together. What am I? Not worthy enough to be regarded in that group because you needed to fill your hole?

Who have you told and who knew when it was going on?

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

I just want to know what the fantasy life was that she had in her head. A married man with 6 kids and somehow she thought he would leave me and they would live happily ever after!?!?! Sounds so delusional when you look at the reality of the situation.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

After dday? I fantasized about asking each one of the mow lots of things. The missionary in the Honduras I really would have liked to quiz.

Now? I'm mostly curious why she doesn't wax her 'stache. And did she want him to grow his so they could match?

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Now that she's met my kids, I'd like to ask her the following:

Seeing how sweet and adorable my children are, don't you feel guilty for helping to destroy their family?

Seeing how much they love their dad, don't you feel bad that you spent more time with him for the past year than they did?

When you see how he places you above his own children, doesn't that concern you about the kind of father he will be to that baby you're itching for?

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 924 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

How can you send him BIBLE verses everyday while committing adultery with him?

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
New Member
Member # 40414
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Why does she constantly chase men in relationships while she herself is engaged? I have heard from 3 other people she has done this to.

Why is she such an attention seeker?

Why is it so thrilling to capture the attention of other married men?

And why hasn't her fiance caught on to her antics-or if he has, why is he still there?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

"Why do you have so little respect for yourself?"

I would also ask this of XWH, though I doubt that I'd get a satisfactory answer out of either of them because they are incredibly deluded and don't think that what they did was wrong.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I had the opportunity to ask her a few questions, the biggest one was, "Didn't your mother teach you anything? I mean, I know that's the first thing I taught my daughter...never, ever, ever go anywhere near a married man....."

"Do ya think I should call her next so she can see who her daughter really is?"

OW, at 41, single, still lives with mommy!!!

Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

There is absolutely nothing I want to ask his AP.

I do want to tell her that, when my husband would tell her they could not be more than friends, and she took that as a challenge, was sick. Making a game out of my marriage, my life, my kids' secure home is sick.

That's what I would do with my few minutes with AP.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

"Who are you?"

When she answers, I would then say, "Oh, you're one of those women. I don't talk with women like you."

Then I would walk away with my shoulders back and my head held high.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I had the opportunity to ask her. Caught her in her own home while she was ill. I rang the doorbell and asked her if I could come in? She said yes so we sat in her living room and talked.

These are some of the questions I asked her.

1) Why did you have sex in my house? My bed? My kids beds?

2)Why did you allow FWH in your house to have sex where you and your husband raised your children?

3) I asked her to explain why she felt the need to try to befriend me on the first support site I joined?

4) I asked her how she could look in my face, my kids face every Sunday as she stood in the choir and sang hymns?

5) I wanted to know if she really thought she would mother my children better than I did?

6) I asked her if she were afraid that I was going to send the emails I had between the two of them to everyone we both knew (I did after I promised her I wouldn't.)

7) I asked her if she wanted me to return the nice things she did in my house with her husband in her house? (She didn't like that at all )

I didn't ask the questions with an expectation of getting truthful answers but to see if they corresponded with FWH answers and the info I had from her ex. I also wanted to catch her off guard so that she didn't have time to think about meeting with me(which she avoided at all costs)or time to think of answers.

I absolutely had every intention of coming into her home and making her feel uncomfortable. I also felt I had the right to face her and watch her face as she looked at me. When she looked away I asked her to please look at me since everything else had been done behind my back.

I don't advise confrontation for everyone....that is my personality. Until I have my say I am like a dog with a bone that is not only pissed off but your worst nightmare. I asked to enter her house and she said yes. I never raised my voice ( was almost too calm) and I sat across from her with my hands on my lap.

[This message edited by scared&stronger at 7:26 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3975 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I would ask her if going to church every Sunday gave her permission to sin? Then I would ask her she going to raise her daughters to be bored housewives who try and break up other peoples families like her?

Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I'm a lot of years out and anything I'd ask at this point would just be strictly out of curiosity... I think I'd have the same question for all the OW:


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I've had a couple interactions with AP (that she initiated) and all she did was lie the whole time. "She didn't mean to" (exactly how DOES one have sex by accident???) etc. So there would be absolutely no point in asking her anything else. It would just give her another chance to try to justify something for which there is no justification.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I've had a couple of interactions with her and her story doesn't add up (she says one thing that contradicts a fact I know to be true or contradicts something she already said) example: she told me my H was living with her for a month. And I have to wonder how that's possible when he slept at home every night, came home every night for dinner, spent majority of his time with me, all of his possessions were at OUR place, Did he frequent her apartment? possibly, but living with her? I don't think so. She takes facts and twists them so they cause as much pain as possible. I wouldn't ask her a thing, she's not worth the time.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 12:37 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I don't have anything I would say to her. I was lucky enough to be able to talk to her after DDay#2 where she apologized (I think she was more pissed that he broke up with her, rather than being truly sorry, but whatever). I got a better time line, I got to find out some lies he told me, and I got to tell her she had no right to think she should have been the one to "save" him from himself.

I've talked to her a couple of times since, and one time actually got to watch her with her own WS and realized she is scared of him and they had much bigger problems than we had. Made me realize she was trying to find a way out of her own hell, and actually made me feel sorry for her. She must have no self esteem and she lost *everything* even though he was as much to blame as she was. In fact, he started the game of open marriage, swinging, having relationships on the side, etc.

So, at this point, I really don't have any more questions for her. A lot of my questions have been answered, but they truly weren't the answers I thought I'd find.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I would ask her how she could be so selfish, how she could introduce her children to a situation that could only go badly, and how she feels now that he sent her that denigrating NC letter and realizes that her place in his life is like dog shit on the sole of his shoe?

Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013
New Member
Member # 40391
Angry  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I'm not sure what I would ask the AP. My wife brought him into our home and had me meet him, as he was a classmate of hers that I noticed she had alot of contact with via texts. My wife made a point to erase all of the texts and say that her smartphone didn't have enough room for all of the texts. She lied and got caught and we're now in recovery (R).

I'm sorry, I can't use the abbreviations, I don't always understand them and people make their own up.

I think I would ask him: Given how you have lost custody of your daughter and are not allowed to see her, were you trying to substitute my family for yours? When I asked you if you were having an affair with my wife and you lied to me about it, why did you lie? Who were you trying to protect? My wife who clearly told you it was over? How would you feel if a man came, took your partner/lover/friend and took advantage of them during a low point of the relationship? Are you afraid of me and what I could to you - physically, emotionally, with your coworkers, your family?

Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 26th (Monday)

She has sent several unsolicited emails. She is full of shit and lies up the wazoo. Aside from that she is nothing and deserves only my contempt. She is despicable and evil...

I would not give her the time of day much less ask "it"a question.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:50 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 26th (Monday)

sadwife has a good question tho
I would ask her how she could be so selfish, how she could introduce her children to a situation that could only go badly, and how she feels now that he sent her that denigrating NC letter and realizes that her place in his life is like dog shit on the sole of his shoe?

Because now she's made a complete ass of herself (in front of her kids, my kids, my H and H's parents.) Dumbass.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Would you mind if I slept with your wife?

(The question is what I would ask him, not what I would actually do)

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 26th (Monday)


> There was a man who felt bad about himself.
> He needed an ego boost, someone to be attracted to him, to make him feel good about himself.
> To fill a gap in his life.
> You said you could "add" something special to his life. Enlighten him, Fulfill him in ways he needed.
> Introduce him to a fantasy world where he gets everything he wants
> That gap however is in his soul, the gap is how worthless he feels about himself
> You thought you had the best of him, but really you were accepting the worst of him.
> His lies, his deception, his neediness
> To fill the horrible gap in yourself, you were searching for something too
> Something your "enlightened" lifestyle doesn't and won't ever provide you
> You fool yourself into thinking you are strong and secure; but inside you feel worthless, unlovable, weak, pathetic
> I asked him what you "Added" to his life exactly and he couldn't answer it
> you are weak and injured and selfish and narsisstic and stupid
> the only one with worse self esteem than him is you
> I could see it in your eyes when you had the sick need to come into my house to meet me
> You came to size me up
> But when you left, you knew and I knew the pecking order,
> you don't compare to me, you knew I was a better woman than you would ever be
> And maybe then was the moment you realized how pathetic and cheap and typical your affair was
> He doesn't really love you
> It was sex and excitement and neediness and trying to fill your mutual insecurity
> And If you truly loved him, you wouldn't have let him risk the rest of his life
> Now the life he knew was over
> And the life you knew was over
> You might think you will have a life with him because he can't repair what he did to our family
> But he will only realize how he horribly he traded down with you
> and resent you and hate you for all he lost
> And then you both have nothing
> but especially you

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I suppose I'd have to ask her if it sucks being a fat ass stalker constantly waiting in the shadows for an opportunity to pounce.

I'd probably also ask her if it sucks REAL bad to know that she only got her coveted 'prize' by default - my ex begged me numerous times to change my mind and stay when I was making plans to leave. I told him 'no,' so he went to Plan B - the fat-ass whore.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I have nothing that I want to ask OW.
I would want to ask her mother (demented as she is) why she didnt strangle her POS daughter at birth...
Cant believe how much I actually hate someone else.

Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Im over 2 years out and my response to this question is the same as it was 2 weeks after Dday...I have nothing to ask AP. He is, was, and forever will be irrelevant. My issue was with my STBXW and that's even resolved now. Did I daydream about killing him for a few weeks, sure, but he owed me nothing. My STBXW was the one that made the vows to me and AP is just a loser that chooses to prey on weak minded people that have extremely poor boundaries. People like him will never be happy.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I'ld ask OW how it was enjoying the fantastic, amazing sexual mind movies that my husband and I make all the time.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I would ask why after two "dates" and believing WH was divorced would she still sleep with him after he confessed to being married, loving me, and never would leave me? How could she see pics of myself, child and home life and not realize how fucking wrong it would be. (Personally I believe she saw my life and wanted it for herself and two kids. She could make him leave me. Ha! Her vagina was that magical) How could you sleep with a man who was using you for only sex?

Clearly she has some issues.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I was contacted by the AP. She was the one who told me about the affair, a fun way to find out, huh? I asked her a lot of questions, but then she started getting really chummy with me, asking me about how my husband was at home, how we were doing, how I was handling everything, stuff like that, and I stopped talking to her. Then she deactivated the FB profile she had created in order to talk to me. And now it is back.

I don't understand why it is reactivated. She hasn't tried to contact me, but i keep wanted to ask her more questions. It has been a month since DDay, and almost a month since the last message I've sent to her. For some reason I want more answers but I don't even know what questions I want answers to...

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I had many questions, but it came down to one simple question........

Was it worth it?

Was it worth destroying our marriage, my kids, and our extended families?

Was it worth the pain and heartache of the destruction/divorce she caused in the other family?

Was it worth her integrity?

Was it worth poisoning our memories and our favorite places we had?

Was it worth desecrating our marriage vows and shredding the Ten Commandments?

Yep, of all of the things I asked, and she answered, this is what it boils down to.,,

Four simple words..........

Was It Worth It?

Me, BS-54
DD, 1/9/2011

Posts: 179 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Fire summed it up...

Was it worth it?

Was it worth destroying our marriage, my kids, and our extended families?

Was it worth the pain and heartache of the destruction/divorce she caused in the other family?

Was it worth her integrity?

Was it worth poisoning our memories and our favorite places we had?

Was it worth desecrating our marriage vows and shredding the Ten Commandments?

Yep, of all of the things I asked, and she answered, this is what it boils down to.,,

Four simple words..........

Was It Worth It?

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yup my question would be was it worth it too?
She was my friend of six years. She through away our friendship, her marriage. Our kids were best friends but nobody thought about how it was going to affect them.
I would also like to know how she can look me in the face all the months during the affair and lie to me!!

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Ow, why are you utterly lacking in self-respect?

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

"I'm sorry, remind me, who are you?"

I decided a while back that there is only a finite amount of room in my head, and there are too many wondrous things in the world for me to reserve a permanent space in my head for the OM.

BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

hard to say....they have probably been lied to as well.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Nothing. Only crazy people try to communicate with dog shit.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I've thought about this and have always thought that silence is deafening. Knowing what I know of the Jerry Springer drama queen slut I would just smile slyly knowing that a blind man from space wouldn't have chosen her over me and deep down she knows it too and then I would walk away. Again not only is silence deafening but it's the quiet people you really gotta watch out for...especially when they're just smiling and there's seemingly nothing to smile about.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 63