SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: 2nd date!
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Second date with the suspected poofer who didn't actually poof and still hasn't just yet.

He messaged me Thursday and asked if I was still going over that night. I said I would and asked what he wanted to do and if he wanted to take his dog out and then maybe pop to the pub. He told me we could take the dog out but he was very skint until payday next weekend. Preferring a calming drink as opposed to sitting in his house, I told him that I would get him a drink.

So we took to dog out which went fine and then we went to the pub. I was driving so wasn't planning on having more than 2 drinks. So I drove to the pub. I got him the drink, for which he said thank you and we played pool for a while. Then we had a few more drinks. I bought them all which wasn't a problem and he did say thank you, but I felt weird, as if there wasn't any REAL gratitude there. There was no offer to buy some back next time or whatever. I didn't buy them to get some back, but the offer would have been nice. He did pay for 2 games of pool, aside from that I don't think he had any money on him.

Soooo, we left the 2nd pub and I was planning on just dropping him home and then making my way home too which is half an hours drive away.

I got pulled by the police as soon as I left the car park, apparently for swerving to avoid a parked car, which I don't think I did.

I made sure not to drink too much, but I had had nothing to eat that day and had also just started taking anti depressants but that's another story.

The police were asking questions, like had I been drinking, how many, where I was from, where I had been. He asked me to step out of the car, already knew my name and walked me behind my car to the police car where he stood with me outside. He was talking on the radio for a few minutes. Then said that he was going to breathalyse me because when he first pulled me over he thought I was slurring but now seemed fine fine so told me 'on your way'.

I have never been soooo scared in my life! I don't think I was over the limit but worried in case as I hadn't eaten and had started taking new medication.

So I went back into his house and he made me some tea. Then after about half an hour I left, worried in case I was over the limit and getting pulled over again.

The whole thing seemed a bit off. He was quite happy for me to drive home, not that I would have stayed there had he offered a spare room but there just seemed to be no concern at all.

Didn't text to make sure I got home okay. And was quite happy taking drinks all evening. I know I offered and that's fine but it just seemed brushed off, like it was nothing.

Thoughts?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I think your gut is right on.. This doesn't seem like a guy very concerned about your health and happiness. I'd take a pass on him.

One drink takes about an hour to pass thru your system so 2 drinks would take 2 hours. If you didn't wait that long before driving you may have been over the legal limit. With all the costs of a DUI -about $5000 - you are playing it really close to the edge.

Glad you are safe.

This guy better have a terrific date planned for you next time to prove he's not an ungrateful lump!


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I think I would have been turned off by the "broke until payday" in the first place. I know that money is tight for all of us at times and I've also lived paycheck to paycheck at points in my life. So I don't mean to judge him like that, but I'd be concerned that this was a chronic issue for him.

The not being concerned about you driving him home and accepting drinks so easily concerns me too. Time to move on.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 809 | Registered: Mar 2013
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I agree with the others. NO care or concern there for you. You deserve better.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

If I'm reading your question right, it seems like you might be interested in seeing him again if he asked?

If so, I think you need to go NC on him and spend a couple of hours reading at baggagereclaim.com.

You deserve so much better. There are great guys out there. Please don't settle!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Thanks all.

I didn't think much of these things at first, but when I had time to think they really started to bother me.

I consider myself a considerate person and I would have definitely text him at least to make sure he got home ok. Didn't get that.

My feelings towards the situation have really changed now and I am pretty sure I am not interested in seeing him again. I wasn't bowled over anyway but thought it might be something worth seeing how it went. May as well just cut my losses right?

Everyone keeps telling me there are decent men out there. Where the hell are they?

ETA: Before going into this dating malarkey again, I swore to myself that I would RUN at the first sign of something off, or a red flag of any kind. The last thing I want is another horrible man and another failed relationship, so I vowed to take my time and not take any bullshit.

Trouble is, how do you know when you're being overly sensitive, thinking things are red flags but you're just being too intolerant?

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 4:45 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I met over 20 guys (and that was with pretty stringent pre-meeting screening) before I met the guy I'm currently seeing. It's still early there, so who knows what will happen, but don't expect to find a good partner right away -- it can take some time to get through the chaff. But if you're with a bad one, then you won't be open to a good guy when you meet him.

Baggage Reclaim has some good articles on red flags vs. yellow flags, how to tell the difference, etc.

For me, red flags (as in, I won't date them) include past infidelity, alcohol/drug addiction (whether "in recovery" or not), and other things along that line. Yellow flags (as in, potential issue that I need to explore on a case by case basis) include not having their own place, FOO issues, money problems, and other things along those lines.

It's definitely not black and white; there is a lot of gray out there. For me, one of the keys is being happy with myself, listening to my gut, and knowing that I'll be OK alone, so not to put up with bad behavior. You'll find someone good; don't despair, and don't settle!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Trouble is, how do you know when you're being overly sensitive, thinking things are red flags but you're just being too intolerant?

It was only the second date. You couldn't have known about this situation until you experienced it. Perhaps he was taking advantage of you and drinking for free. Or maybe he is planning to take you out for the third date. Who knows? It's up to you to figure out if he's worth a third date. As you said, it doesn't sound like he is concerned for your well-being and safety.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
NWfleur
Member
Member # 35874
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 26th (Monday)

From everything you describe, he sounds like one to let go. That's just my opinion. What does your gut tell you? I've learned my gut is almost always right on target...


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)

Divorced!!!


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I'm feeling a little confused about it. I definitely know that my level of interest (whatever interest there was to begin with) has been severely reduced and I find myself now not being bothered about replying to his contact.

Another part of my thinks that maybe I am overreacting and that it might be wrong to write him off just yet because of this. I don't know. I just feel like I can't be bothered with it or him now.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
birdy
Member
Member # 30937
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Run! ANY decent man would have done the exact opposite of everything he did. You could miss a great guy if you waste your time with this guy. He isn't even half a man! You can do better-any girl can do better!

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 26th (Monday)

HURTAGAIN1981, think back to the last time you were in a healthy relationship ...

*were there flags waving?
*were you paying for everything?
*were there police involved
*was your gut pulling left, right, up, down?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I just feel like I can't be bothered with it or him now.

Respect your feelings here! They are giving you an important message!


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 26th (Monday)

ladies_first,

I see what you are saying. No there was none of this, especially not so early on.

Arghhh!

I guess now I need to get rid of him or think of what to say when/if he asks to meet again!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
birdy
Member
Member # 30937
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Don't worry about being too sensitive or nice about it; he is probably loving the thought of taking advantage of you, feeling a hero, not taking into consideration your feelings. Hugs x

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I guess now I need to get rid of him or think of what to say when/if he asks to meet again!

If he contacts you, simply say, "While you have some great qualities, I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck!"

Then, crickets.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4021 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

The "broke till payday" would have turned me off. Not because he may be poor, but because I'd think he had me figured out as someone who would pay his way.

Walk away. Now.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7118 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 17