User Topic: Better marriage now (than before DDay)?
Member # 40133
Question  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I am wondering how many BSs can say their marriage is better NOW versus before DDay?

I told my WH that's one of the conditions of our (possible) reconciliation, so I'm looking for hopeful feedback!

Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I'm not a BS, I'm the other one. But DS said in a Huffington Post interview that working through this sh*tstorm doesn't result in a *better* M but a *stronger* M. While stronger can equal better it's not necessarily the same. You'll still have problems and issues but (hopefully) not the ones that landed you here.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I am only 3 months out but WS's attitude is a million times better than it ever was!!! Is our M "better"? I don't know, only time will tell but honestly I can't see it being any worse. :/

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

At only a week or so to go before our 1 year anniversary after Dday, I am one of the SI members that can honestly say that our marriage is better, stronger,happier, more sexually fulfilling and deeper then anything we shared before the A. This is all because of the hard work we have out in, the new communication skills we have and our ability to state it as it is now.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 24th (Saturday)


My WW had a A 4 years after we were married and had been together about 7 years, so that's a match. Difference is we're over 35 past DDay, which makes me one of the Old Timers here on SI in more ways than one.

We didn't have Dr Glass, or SI or any roadmaps in those days so we made it up as went along, and not very damned well, to tell the truth. Lots of TT and rugsweeping, and I had an RA a couple of years later at her constant urging.

After all that, we had a couple of kids post-A (now grown) and are still married, and I think, well. Good? Yeah. Better than what we had? Considering that what we had was proven to be crap, OK. What I signed up for? Not really. If it made our M so much better, would I willingly go through it again? I would cut my own arm off with a dull knife first.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Without a doubt better. And we are working toward stronger every day.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

So much better. I never dreamed it could be this good. The big difference? We are BOTH working on it now. Always before it was just me, and often my H was a less than eager participant. Now he wants so much to make me happy, but also can see the inherent value in increased intimacy, openness, vulnerability. Frankly he never realized it was safe to be that way.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

My M is better. We communicate better and more often. Share more responsibility, we are more of equals. We also spend more time together.
I would trade the improvement though to go back and never lose the trust, purity and innosence of before the A. But the improvement gives me hope things will work out and last. Without it there would be no reason for me to stay.

him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Way better here. We've never been this honest or vulnerable with each other. Gone are my defensive walls and his propensity to lie to avoid conflict. We communicate better, drop pissy attitudes quickly (because we actually talk about what's bothering us), and express his grateful we are for this new chance constantly.

We weren't this good when we were dating. I hate that infidelity led us here because it still hurts and I have (small) triggers and pangs now and then and he still carries guilt. But we are on a good path where we were on a path to divorce well before OW ever entered the picture.

Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Without a doubt our M is better.
If it were not, he would not be in my life.

Pre-Dday we were living parallel lives. I don't believed I even liked him, never mind love him. He drank daily, he worked 7am-8pm (or so I thought).
I spent more time with friends than with him, and I was okay with that.

I realize today what a shitty M we had... not much arguing, not much of anything.

My WH made huge strides to change. He stopped drinking (finally), he abandon his arrogant attitude, and started caring about the people he should...ME.

Almost 3yrs since my WH hit rock bottom and he continues to work daily to fix what he destroyed.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

It's better for him. For me, certainly he appreciates me more and "helps" (like it's not his equal responsibility??) me with the house and kids more BUT I would trade all that "help" for a faithful and honest husband. No, it will never be better than it was when I believed we had something special.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Better and stronger than ever. I have no regrets choosing to R.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Is it "better"? No, now it will forever be tainted by his A.

Is our M stronger, are we more aware, more careful in protecting it? Definitely!

Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

It is definitely getting better than it ever was before.

We are communicating more openly and honestly than ever. With that though comes a lot of pain. I believe it is necessary to go through the pain to reach a greater understanding and compassion for each other.

The one thing that is concerning is that I feel he is treating me better than he ever has, I am definitely not as giving as I was before the a.

Maybe it is just a matter of time and the rebuilding of trust.

The changes in him are so recent that I am having trouble believing that they are real. I hope it is just a matter of time and consistency from him and I will begin to believe and be able to feel safe with him.

I want to make him feel loved, to show him but I also realize that sometimes I hold back. It isn't a truly conscious choice. It seems that sometimes the emotions and the pain overwhelm me and stop me from expressing the positive.

It is a roller coaster from one minute to the next. I have been trying to tell him about this, about how quickly my moods shift.

We do talk about it so that is a good thing but so far still to go.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1427 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Far better than ever it was!

The change is due to the fact FWH has had IC and changed who he is as a person and I had some IC too to change me and then we had MC to change how we interact as a couple.

THIS man I adore and cherish and want to keep. The H he was pre and during A? That asswipe could and can go take a hike as I never want to be with him again

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

These are great responses, thank you everyone!

I ask because WH is promising me a better, stronger marriage from now on. He has even said he will propose and re-marry me with a whole new set of vows! I wasn't sure what to think, and whether it was actually possible to have a better M after DDay, so thank you all for your input.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 9:23 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Oh, definitely, no comparison, much, much better.

My ddays included confessions of an affair, hidden drug use, hidden alcohol abuse, friends that were actually smoking buddies and trading pot for child care, sneaking pain pills during a marathon, lies about where money had been spent, what had happened to certain items that we owned (she just got rid of things that reminded her of the affair and one of those things was something that cost me hundreds of dollars and she just gave it away and the explanation was puzzling and mightily irritating and year and years passed and I was still puzzled), etc.

Also along with that came disclosures of childhood abuse, rapes, near rapes, fears that were unreasonable, etc.

I am a much bigger help to her than I was, because she knows that I know this stuff now (the second paragraph issues).

Our marriage, after nearly 18 years, was floundering, because I simply didn't know what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me, or if she did the explanation didn't make sense.

I almost left the year before she confessed.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Regarding the repropose/new vows things. Those are words. His actions need to match his words. And they need to match for a long time. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but my WH reproposed all while lying and trickle truthing me.

But to your question. If my WH never had an A but our other marriage issues were still there, I wouldn't have said we had a bad marriage. I think with the kind of work he is currently doing, I am doing, we are doing, and the fact that I have always believed we are soulmates, then will be pretty damn amazing. I'm not sure you would want to make that a condition though. A condition should be that he fixes his issues. Because what makes a better marriage? The fact that he helps around the house more? Or that he helps around the house because he appreciates how much you do and has learned about responsibility. He can't promise you a better marriage if YOU don't do your part. And I'm not saying you aren't! I'm just saying a marriage takes work from both parties. He alone can't give you that.

Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

TattoodChinaDoll, I so wanted to PM you but it says your message inbox is full!

Yes, as of right now his actions ARE matching his words, for the exact reasons you mentioned. My issue is that I'm afraid that one day he won't want to anymore, but he says he's changing his entire outlook on life to ensure that doesn't happen. Goodness, I hope not because I believe he is my soul mate as well!!!

Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Thanks for letting me know! I'll clean it out. I organized a g2g here so it's all from that.

ETA: Just like you never thought this would might think he'll never give up and stop trying. But you know what? There is no guarantee of that. No matter how much we feel like we are owed one. And that feeling and understanding comes and goes a lot at first. And I mean even a year or more into it. What you have to do is work on yourself. Again, not saying that there is something really wrong with you. But that you know you'd be ok if the marriage ended.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:18 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 20