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Reconciliation
User Topic: No time to talk - Kids always here
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

How do you talk to each other when you have young kids around all the time? I can barely talk about the A without raising my voice so basically we don't talk at all because the kids are always around. The kids have witnessed way too much as it is.. By the time they go to bed, I'm exhausted and pass out myself.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

My H is out of town a lot and we have 3 kids 5 and under. We talk at bedtime when we can. We also text some during the day. My favorite thing we do is have a shared journal. We both write in it and leave it on the other's nightstand when we finish. It's been really great for him to share some of the really hard things about his FOO and for me to share my anger without losing it. We read, respond, ask questions and bring up new topics. Works great for us.

Posts: 1000 | Registered: Jan 2013
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Wow I understand this so well. With our oldest (17 yo) in the house it is mear impossible. any little thing that she isn't meant to hear - she has sudden bionic capabilities - anytime day or night.

A few things we have done.in ( you may not have the flexibility work schedules but will list all just in case something works for you) Moved bedtimes up 30 mins and stuck to it - creating just a little more room. rise before the children by at least 1 hour at least 2 / 3 days per week and on weekends. During the terrible period of the first 6 months after discovery we would 'walk' for excercise and end up sitting on the oval talking through issues.

Commuting together if possible. (our commute is an hour)

Meet for lunch / work from home on the same day. (but our children are school age).

Once we had DS with us who is younger, we went to ikea booked him into kids playroom for an hour and sat down together to talk.

We early took some close trusted friends into our confidence and they would have DS (in particular) for a play date while we talked.

it is so hard to work through disclosure, healing and reconciliation with children in the house. In ther early days ours saw way too much too! We sat with them and answered their questions as honestly and age appropriately as possible. Reassuring them that although we were in a difficult time we were determined to heal our family, to get stronger and be together. This relieved a lot of anxiety of the unknown for them.

Depending on age of your children - some more open and reassuring conversations with them may help them to feel more secure. It helped for ours.

best wishes.

Meg

[This message edited by MegM at 7:29 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 577 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

I have found that texting is helpful when I am super angry. We also just keep talking even when it's hard. If I am angry I will tell him I need a break sometimes. I will go take a few and reconvene when I am ready. We will also write letters to each other. We will also lose sleep or talk late while working things out.


BS (33)
WS MisterP (36)
Together 13 1/2 Years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly making progress towards Reconciliation.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
1ost0ne
Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 26th (Monday)

You don't state your kids ages. My youngest is ten. We just made bedtime earlier. My WW was able to stay up til 2 am after i went to sleep to carry on her Skype sessions so she didn't have the option to be tired.

We also suggest that they go out and play with friends. If you go the route of getting a D, you will have a lot less time.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 26th (Monday)

We ignored our kids so much the first year. I feel a lot of guilt for it. We plopped DS3 in front of the TV and talked on the porch for hours. It definitely sped up our R but at what cost. We are very conscious of it now and are making up as best we can.

We found a routine of talking early in the morning before the kids woke up. The tone of the conversations has changed dramatically but we still share an hour or two in the morning over coffee.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Thanks for sharing your ideas. My kids are 5 and 8. We have been trying to keep things norma for them as much as possible.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7