Topic: Timeline sucks
Member # 40161
| Posted: 10:53 PM, August 25th (Sunday)|
WH finally took the deep look necessary to give me a timeline for his first affair. We had talked extensively about it before and I was starting to understand the why and the how but now that I know more clearly when this took place I am in a bit of a tailspin.
He had the first affair during a year that I have the happiest memories of. Oct 2004-Feb 2006. My kids were 2 and 4 and were so much fun. I was finally loving being a mom. Our family was having a great year. We bought a camper, we camped all over the place that year, we went to Glacier to meet up and camp with his folks, we went to his brother's wedding, etc. I've always looked fondly on that year because it was one were I felt good as a mom and as a wife and as a family.
It was also a time when OW and I were the best of friends, our babies were growing up together, our families camped together, we had Thanksgiving together.
How could I not have known that during this whole time they were having an affair. Even worse is how can that year, the year they were having the affair, be the one I remember most fondly from our marriage. It all feels so tainted now. I have hundreds of pictures (I used them to help WH figure out the timeline) and I don't know what to do with them now. They are my kids history. They are my family's history. I can't just throw them out. At some point will I be able to go back and look at them? At some point will I be able to have happy memories of any of the events during that year?
I kinda wish I could go back to my false thought that it happened the following year. That year sucked. It made sense that the affair could have happened in 2006. It was a bad year. I was depressed, I turned 40. OW had WLS and lost 110 lbs and I was jealous (of course I did not know she was OW at the time I thought she was BFF). But that isn't when it happened. It happened when I was happy.
Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R
Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Member # 32753
| Posted: 2:59 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
I am so sorry.
Don't throw away the pictures just yet. Like you said, they're your kids' history. Is there any way you can get a beautiful wooden chest of some kind and put them in there, some place you don't see everyday, and then save them for when your kids are older, to give to them as a present? Then you don't have to look at them as they're hurting you, but you can still pass on the memories your kids have.
It is so sad all that they took away from you. I hope your H is very sad at everything he cost you, so you can mourn together. Remember: during that time, while your H wasn't real, and your friendship with OW wasn't real, and maybe some of those memories weren't real ...YOU were real. You meant every minute of it. You were happy and you were sharing that happiness as best you could. You were YOUR best. Don't let them take *that* away from you.
Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)
Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 37107
| Posted: 4:57 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
I can imagine how you feel. I am also dealing with an A that happened in 2004. The A ended at end of May or early June, we went on a family holiday in both July and Sept that year, I have had fond memories (and photos) of those holidays...now I cringe when I think about it, I had NO IDEA my WH had just been dumped by OW at that time, there I was loving him, having a lovely holiday and all the time he had pretty much just climbed out of her bed....
I have kept the photos, I am not going to let WH's disgusting behaviour steal memories from my children, but I will NEVER look at those photos again or think of those holidays with anything but disgust.
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
Posts: 912 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 39543
| Posted: 2:10 PM, August 26th (Monday)|
Roses, I am so sympathetic.
My WS's affairs began in 1998 and continued off and on until this April. Fifteen years of timeline feels false and every happy moment feels destroyed.
WS says that he was still "with us" during those times. I know that's how he feels about it and I'm just hoping that eventually I will be able to balance out the devastation I'm feeling now and go back to enjoying those memories. For now, it's all put away while I work on the present.
For them, they know the history (since they created it) and have been living with it. For us, it's sudden and gigantic, a huge amount to assimilate. No wonder we struggle! It's hard to imagine a time when it will really feel better.
3 young adult kids
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue
Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 37725
| Posted: 3:05 PM, August 26th (Monday)|
I am so sorry to hear how your happy year has been ruined by the realization of the A.
My FWH's A went on for 9 years, during which time we took some lovely vacations--British Isles cruise, two trips to France, the Caribbean--and had a wonderful time. I can barely bring myself to look at those pictures now. There he is smiling, in some pictures with his arm around me, and yet all the while he's thinking about getting back to the US and boinking the OW. Those vacation memories are tainted now, as are the pictures, and we'll never be able to afford vacations like that again. And of course, it's not just the vacation photos, but all photos taken between July 2003 and August 2012.
It's just so depressing.
Silverhopes has a good perspective on this, though:
Remember: during that time, while your H wasn't real, and your friendship with OW wasn't real, and maybe some of those memories weren't real ...YOU were real. You meant every minute of it. You were happy and you were sharing that happiness as best you could. You were YOUR best. Don't let them take *that* away from you.
Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
|Topic Posts: 5|| |