Topic: Left spouse for OM
Member # 40220
| Posted: 2:31 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
Hi, I have been reading for months just not brave enough to open my story up till now.
Briefly after 20 + years of marriage and 3 kids, I reconnected with my first love after 26 years and have had a LTA ( we now have been seeing each other for just over two years now).
I Was married to a great guy and wonderful father but I just fell out of love with him over the years. I have felt for years as if we were brother and sister instead of husband and wife.
I have moved out of the house and we have filed for divorce. My STBX is such a good guy, I am crushed at what I have done to him and our children. I feel so very selfish but have lived so many years making others happy while being so unhappy myself.
I wished I could have hung on longer for the kids sake, ( 19,15,13) but I let feelings and emotions take over. So I am now so torn, madly in love with what I feel is my soul mate yet feeling so guilty. Guilty for becoming a statistic and having our children now come from a broken home, Something I never dreamed I could or would ever let happen. Guilty for checking out of my marriage emotionally years ago and not giving my STBX a chance. And guilty for being so happy with the OM .
I am not sure what I am looking for here.... I know I am a horrible person for hurting so many , I never meant to hurt any one.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 32785
| Posted: 3:10 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
Hi hurting, I can't imagine the turmoil you are feeling. I'm not sure how much help you will find here, the majority of posters are dealing with reconciling not ending their marriages.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:56 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Member # 2
| Posted: 6:51 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
Please not the stop sign has been added so this thread is closed off to BS's.
What is it exactly that you're wanting us to help you with? I'm unclear since you've moved on with your OM.
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Posts: 198438 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 32428
| Posted: 7:13 AM, August 26th (Monday)|
So your stbx is a great guy and wonderful father and you're leaving him for a man who would get involved with a married woman? Don't kid yourself, the OM isn't half the man your H is based simply on the fact that the OM doesn't have a problem interloping in someone else's marriage.
You're trading down and questioning why you don't feel good about it. You know why.
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 39000
| Posted: 1:17 PM, August 26th (Monday)|
I'm sensing a cry for help, here. You know this is 20 kinds of wrong, but you're so intoxicated by your fantasy luurve for OM that you can't think straight.
In my four months on SI I've seen countless threads where the WS said ILYBINILWY to the BS on his/her way out the door...and regretted it weeks or months later. Realized that once they have to actually *live* with the OP, the glow quickly fades.
What makes you think you're going to stop this...
making others happy while being so unhappy myself
...a change of address?
Consider for a moment that unless you figure out why you...
checking out of my marriage emotionally years ago and not giving my STBX a chance
...you may be doomed to repeat it.
Also think: how will you feel when your children walk down the aisle to get married, or get their high school diplomas? BH will be sitting there with his loving, classy second wife--someone by the time your 13-y.o. graduates college, he/she may be calling "Mom." Since, you know, she'll be living with your children instead of you. Great guys BH's age are a rare commodity and he won't last a year once he starts dating.
And where will you be in 10 years? Will your "soulmate" still be by your side? Remember, sweetie, cheaters cheat, and studies show only 10-25% of marriages started as affairs actually make it.
I am so sad reading your story. So sad that you're throwing it all away, and you don't even know it. So sad that your "happiness" will probably be short-lived, but could cost your children--and theirs--very dearly.
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl
Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Member # 39035
| Posted: 1:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)|
Why are posing? Really, deep down why? Do you want to hear it is right?
The fact is that you sought out to rekindle a relationship after 20 odd years and you are using the soulmate bs to justify it. Frankly Im insulted by that angle. And for the brother sister angle. Did you talk to him about it? Do anything to rectify that? Try to tackle this together. Marriage can get boring at times, then exciting again.
Long lost love of your life is likely to get boring real quick after you take the excitement of cheating away, add familiarity and we will see you back in this forum in 5 years.
You calling husband a good guy is painting him as a victim of circumstance, that he just got chewed up in the gears of destiny! a mere extra in the story of true love.
You need to re-read your post.
Pay special attention to the justifying you do. It's easy to find. Start with living so many years making others happy, blah blah. It almost sounds like you being a parent had something to do with your infidelity. We all have to clean up after fido. Please pull your head out of the sand.
[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 2:12 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 40022
| Posted: 2:24 PM, August 26th (Monday)|
In reply to Hurting, I was also the WW after over 20 years of marriage and 2 teenage children. "I" and do stress "I" had totally checked out emotionally,thought the marriage was miserable and there was no way it would ever be fixed. Short story is that I asked my devastated H to move out,refused any offer of MC and met what I thought was the "perfect man" and began an EA which progressed to a PA. All the while my H was doing everything humanly possible to reunite our family. As the story goes...the AP was not so perfect after all and I did finally start attending IC an MC. After several months we did start R and he moved back into our home. However, "I" still had personal issues of childhood sexual abuse that would take many more years to work through. Although H was fully supportive and 110% committed to R, sadly, "I" was not. Even though, he stuck by my side even when I rebuffed his efforts for 6 long years. Almost every argument would end with me telling him the marriage was over and I was leaving (which I used to wound him time and time again.) How he stuck out all the anger and hurt I'll never know. Although I had confessed my A early on in R, he had insisted he had not be unfaithful during our separation. Quite, by accident this past May, I received some news quite by accident that he might be having an A. Gathering my evidence, because I didn't believe my gut feelings at first, I confronted him and he did confess to a ONS with a married woman and had only accepted her FB friendship 2 years later because I was threatening to leave him every other week. Let me tell you what a wake up call that was to me!!! I was the one devasted...finally realizing what a B*tch I had been and going through the motions of a false R. Let me say that it has been about 6 weeks since D-day and "we" are back in MC and "we" are working diligently to repair "our" marriage. We may be in the honeymoon phase, but are both fully committed to moving past the hurts (there are ups and downs for sure)and sharing a loving marriage together. If I had it all to do over again, I would have gone into IC and MC before the split and to work through the problems that led to the separation. Thank you for sharing your post. Please keep reading the forums as there are many that have been where you are.
Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
|Topic Posts: 7|| |