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User Topic: She cheated and now shes pregnant...what am i going to do
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Hello all. I am new to the site so please when you respond if you could spell out the abbreviations i would greatly appreciate it as i dont know them all.

heres my story....i am a loving husband of my wife, and we have been married only a year and 3 months before the incident. I am in the military and am deployed. i knew being married and deployed would be hard so i did the best i could, or so i thought, to be there when she needed me. we had our ups and downs with communication issues and i thought we were working through it. I never once had an issue of trust in our relationship but being this far away for this amount of time starts to wear on you. well one day i felt like she wasnt talking to me much and i started thinking about the past week and how we havent been talking much again. So i text here and let her know how i feel and let her know we need to have a deep talk again to reconnect. this is when she tells me we need to skype and talk about something. i asked her what...and she says its bad and doesnt want to tell me over a text. so i call her and ask her over the phone. i finally get it out of her, and she tells me that she cheated and is now pregnant. she is 6 weeks along when she told me. the first 48 hours were the worst, i couldnt eat, sleep, or stop shaking. i was, still am, heartbroken. after i cooled off and started thinking i realized that she means more to me than anything in the world and i dont want to lose her. so i am trying to get past the adultery. where i am having trouble is the baby. neither one of us believe in abortion so thats not an option. my first choice would be for her to put it up for adoption. but knowing her it would probably kill her, emotionally. last option is that i accept the child as my own and raise it as my own. but i am scared i will have a hard time loving the child knowing how it came to be. a constant reminder of the betrayal. i know its not the childs fault and ive thought about that. if i am to raise the child as mine i do not want the bio father being anywhere near me or my wife or my family ever again. if he petitions for his right and gets visitation and partial custody and stuff i dont know if i can handle that too. and what am i going to do when and if we have another child and it biologically is mine. am i going to treat the children different? im so scared of this.

i am not scheduled to be back home for another month. right now we have made amends the best we can and are trying to move forward. as of now she has excommunicated the other guy, deleted his number, took him off her fbook and all that. we talk and skype every day now. ive talked to the chaplain and started reading relationship building articles and watching some dvds the chaplain has given me. ive realized that maybe part of the blame is mine. i want to do everything possible to keep my wife. i love her too much to lose her. but how do i weigh the option of staying with her and the baby. wut if i get home and cant do it. i want to be strong and i want to love her. i want to make her love me. i wish i knew things where getting this bad before this happened. she told me she never felt this way when i was home everyday before i deployed. and being on the other side of the earth and her being so alone with dodgy friends and no one to hang out with and talk to and support her(besides her family who was there but she told them they were smothering her so they backed off). i dont know what to do. all i know is i love her more than life itself and i dont want to lose her. please help me get through this.

thank you all for your support.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Hi TryingToBeBrave,

There's a thread in the I Can Relate forum for people with partners that have children from affairs (OC). I'm unfortunately part of that club

This is going to be difficult for you ((HUGS))but if your wife truly wants to R and you can honestly forgive and are able to raise the OC you can make it through and be stronger in spite of it (or maybe because of it)


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Welcome TryingToBeBrave. So sorry that you are finding yourself here as well as that you are trying to start dealing with this while separated from your W.

You have a lot of questions about what is going to happen and how would you be able to get through this. I think that maybe you should just write those questions down and set them aside. I feel your first step is to just make it day to day until you can get back with your W. Once you get back I would look into some individual counseling (IC) to help with working through your specific questions.

You have had a lot dumped on you. Please keep posting and reading here. Check out the healing library link in the top left and take care of yourself.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51500 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are here. I would suggest starting with The Healing Library. There are a lot of articles that may help you.

Also, there is a forum called "I Can Relate" and in that forum is a thread for BS's (Betrayed Spouse) with OC (Other Children). In there you can talk to people who also have to deal with their spouse having a child outside the marriage.

I want to address just a couple points in your post.

she told me she never felt this way when i was home everyday before i deployed. and being on the other side of the earth and her being so alone with dodgy friends and no one to hang out with and talk to and support her

First off, you being deployed does not excuse her behavior, nor is it an acceptable "reason" for an affair. She chose to have this affair, and it had nothing to do with you or your deployment, it had to do with her own brokeness. I have been where your wife is...I used to be a military wife. I NEVER cheated when my WH was deployed, never even considered it. She made that CHOICE, not you. It is not your fault.

ive realized that maybe part of the blame is mine

Once again, you are not to blame for her choice to have an affair. If you had problems in your marriage before the affair, then yes, you can take responsibility for your part in those problems, but the affair is NOT your doing.

Please remember that you don't have to make any decisions right away. You can take your time. Right now you are in shock and your brain is going to be all over the place. One day you'll think, "I can do this! I can accept the baby" and the next day you won't even be able to look at your wife. It sucks and it takes a while, but you can survive this.

For now, take care of yourself. Drink lots of water, eat, sleep, and take advantage of the services that the military can offer you. Keep talking to the Chaplin, counselors, whomever you feel safe confiding in.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Hey there. Another ex-service member here. I''m glad that you found us for support.

Listen. You don''t have to make one single decision right now, and I would urge you to not feel like you have to. You have time. Please use this month before you get home to do some thinking about what you really want, and to try to think things through a bit before you get home.

I would suggest that you tell your WW (wayward wife) to get herself to her doctor and have a complete STD/HIV panel of tests taken. She needs to know yesterday, if she also got infected as well as becoming pregnant. Because that can have some really hurtful ramifications for the baby. Even if she tells you that she''s already done that, even if she tells you that her doctor said she was OK, you tell her to get tested, and that the doctor needs to send the results directly to you. Because you cannot trust that she will tell you the truth about this at this time. And you will need to know that she is "clean" before you get home.

Next, you need to go see a lawyer. You need to tell them exactly what has happened, and you need to find out what your rights are. You need to discuss with them the pros and cons of having a paternity test. If you intend to raise this child as your own, you may not want to pursue that. If over the course of time before your WW gives birth, she makes it necessary for you to file for D (divorce), then you may want to know what you need to do to contest paternity so you are not on the hook for child support for the next 18 years. If the sperm donor (which is the politest thing I can call this POS right now) wants to try to establish paternity, then you may find that he can''t petition because since you and she are married, any child issuing during that marriage is automatically presumed to be yours. Maybe not. Point is, you need to know what the facts are for all of this before the baby is born. You may want to do this before you get home, you may want to wait until you get home. But you do need to find this out.

Next, please, please, take care of yourself. Talk to you chaplain. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated and stay away from the booze. Keep yourself fit. Exercise can be your buddy right now. Wearing yourself out so you can sleep and tone down the voices in your mind can be very beneficial. Right now you have to take care of yourself.

And please come back here often for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I'm with Dameia. I never had the opportunity to cheat while WH was deployed for 10 months -because I didn't go looking for one.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am not one of the veterans with good advice. The only thing I will say is give yourself time to figure out what you want. It's a roller coaster, but SI helps a lot.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I can't imagine having to find out something like that over the phone... And during a deployment, no less! I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope the rest of your time away goes by quickly (or as quickly as it can).

Your worries about accepting the baby tell me that you are a man of great character - otherwise you wouldn't be concerned about things like how you would treat this child versus other potential children. The fact that you are already thinking about things like that just shows what type of person you are and the kind of inner strength you possess. Your wife should be grateful that you (assuming from your post) are willing to try to make things work.

I don't have any great wisdom, except to trust in God or whatever higher power is meaningful to you. There will be many days ahead where you feel like you are literally going to die from the pain, but it's entirely possible to survive something like this, and it's even possible to end up better off in the long run. It will get easier with time but it takes a LOOOOONG time.

Please keep reading and posting as your schedule allows... This place has kept me sane for quite a number of years and is one of the few communities where I feel safe.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Just my .02 but anyone concerned he won't make a good father to an OC WILL make a good father to any child placed within his responsibility. You sound like a GOOD man.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 26th (Monday)

is she remorseful?

Has she told you who the father is. Has she told you how she got pregnant?

In other words, has she really come clean? If she hasn't, who's to say that she isn't still sleeping with the guy?

i'm sorry to say these things, but you need to consider them first, before you consider accepting her, or her child.

I know you love her, but maybe you don't really know who she is. I know its hard when you are deployed. I'm going to be deployed myself in a month.

But that doesn't change the fact that she is pregnant from another man. Personally? I'd demand an abortion. That's just me. Some people have religious issues with that. I have religious issues with my wife getting pregnant from another man.

I wish you the best. Please see a chaplain. I don't want you to do anything damaging to yourself. You're in for a difficult time.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 514 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I am a BS and mother to two grown boys!
IDK. Someone needs to love that baby. It will take a big hearted man to do that. Will your family support your decision?..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 26th (Monday)

hi again everyone...thanks for the responses.


i will definitely be looking in the i can relate forums and and getting some advice from there.

id like to answer some questions now that you all have asked.


yes she is remorseful, and says sorry to me everyday. she tells me that she loves me more and more each day now and that her love for me is stronger than ever.

she did tell me who the OG was and no i did not know him. she has since stopped communicating with him and severed any ties to him for now. when i get back and we start dealing with legal issues, myself or another third party will be contacting him if need be. i do not want her interacting with him at all if i can help it.

im not so sure my wife went out looking for someone to cheat with. i have been thinking and i think my wife has seperation issues because of things that happend in her childhood. her father was not a good father..he was on drugs and alcohol all the time and stayed out all the time and was just never there. so i think to myself and realize maybe there is a separation issue that she has. how it happend was just that she met him while out one night with the girls and he hit on her. she let him know she was married but i guess he persisted. they ended up becoming facebook friends (i dont have a Facebook) and when i did catch them talkin on facebook we talked about it and i thought we resolved the issue. but they continued to talk via text and phone and stuff. she ended up babysitting his kids which she told me about but i didnt know it was the same guy. was he just filling that emptiness she felt inside her that was cause by be being away?

another hard part to swallow is that they were together 4 times total. it all took place in a week period she said. 3 of the times she said she was drunk and the last time she was sober. it hurts to know she went back again and again and still hung out with him and put herself in those situations. and ok i can understand how alcohol clouds judgement, but wut was she thinking the time she did it sober. she said that the sober time all she could think about was me and it made her feel terrible and she cried afterwards. so do i take that as the epiphany moment and she woke up and realized she was wrong and decided to stop.

i will be the first to understand and acknowledge that people make mistakes. some mistakes are different than others. some mistakes are harder to forgive than others but all can be forgiven. i believe that everyone deserves a second chance. a mistake the first time is just that...the second time it becomes a habit and no longer just a mistake.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 26th (Monday)

sorry heartache101...forgot to answer your question.

yes my family is very supportive. myself and my family are extremely close...in fact my circle of friends and my family are one in the same. they want me to be happy no matter what and they will always be there for me. i have told everyone in my immediate family and have talked a lot of things out through them and got lots of advice and opinions and perspectives. they are amazing and i wouldnt trade them for the world. they are supportive of me, they still support my wife, and they will support the child no matter what.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Im sorry brother. This is one big shit sandwich she is feeding you. I find it very hypocritical that she does not believe in abortion, yet believes in adultery. But that's just me. I also feel that you are making way too many excuses for your WW. Be very careful about taking on any blame for what she has done. This has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for what she has done. I understand you are confused and hurting. But you really need to think long and hard about what has happened. Your M a little over a year and she is now pregnant with another mans child. Is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with ? I certainly understand that people make mistakes. And I firmly believe that people can and do change. But I feel that since you have been M a very short time, coupled with the fact she is now with another guys child. This is not a good start to a M. IMHO, this is not the type of woman who is cut out for M. As for trying to raise another mans child. This is another matter that needs much thought and consideration. Can you honestly say that you could raise this child as your own ? Sure it sounds very noble of you. But that child is going to be a constant reminder of what she has done for the rest of your life. There is a strong possibility that you will resent the poor kid. And that my friend is not the child's fault. And you never know if the kids father decides to pop into the picture claiming paternal rights. Best to make an informed decision before the child comes along. Best for all involved. Don't you agree ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

While you are looking in the I can relate forum, there are a couple of other threads you may want to check out. There is one for betrayed men that is fairly active, and currently on page 2 there is a thread for military deployment and affairs.

Not sure where you are deployed, but going through this shit can really mess with your ability to focus on work, so please be extra careful to stay safe.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Sorry to hear you going through this. But like with many WS's, many times it has to do with unresolved FOO (family of origin) issues from childhood. My WW included. However mine has done nothing to help herself other than compartmentalize it on a shelf and ran from her problems by filing for divorce.

My story is somewhat opposite of your's. My exWW had an A with a deployed Lt. Colonel (and West Point grad). He was on his way home on emergency leave for the birth of his son (his wife was going into labor). My WW knew this and still decided it was OK to meet him in Atlanta on his overnight layover and cover it up with one of her business trips. Not only did I eventually tell his wife, but also reported him to his base Provost Marshall. Within days it quickly went up to his Colonel and General. In a nutshell I ended his 20 year career. I didn't even care. He's a dirtbag and had it coming.

If her AP has a spouse you need to let her know. But with a child I understand why you may not.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

TryToBeBrave, I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
What you must know is that situation is in no way your fault. The fact that you are deployed and away from the house does not give your wife reason to cheat. Neither does family background justify cheating. People choose to cheat. Period. Many people are separated for various reasons and many people come from messed up backgrounds: yet they don't cheat. Be clear that this was a conscious choice made by your wife, whether alcohol was involved or not. I admire you for wanting to save your marriage and wanting to raise the child as your own. You certainly are a far more generous and forgiving person than I am, and I can only wonder at your resolve.
Please do not make any hasty decisions before your wife has come completely clean with you on what had happened. Her confession was prompted or forced because of the pregnancy. Not to be insensitive, but would she have told you if she weren't pregnant? Did she have an A / ONS at any other prior time?
You both need help in dealing with this situation and I wish you much strength and courage.
Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's a world of pain, I know.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

TTBB, this may seem like a picky point, but it speaks straight to the heart of this situation and of the role, if you will, that your WW played in it.

i will be the first to understand and acknowledge that people make mistakes...

Your WW did not make a mistake. She made a decision. That''s a very important distinction.

A mistake is when you show up at roll call with one black and one brown sock on. Oops, guess you shoulda turned the light on, when you dressed that morning. A mistake is grabbing the salt shaker instead of the pepper shaker. A mistake is grabbing the keys to the truck vice the sedan.

She made a decision. She made a decision to continue to talk to a man who, upon being informed that she was married, kept flirting. She made a decision to FB friend him. She made a decision to not tell you that it was him that she was babysitting for. She made a decision to get drunk, and she made a decision, multiple times, to sleep with him. She made a decision to do that without birth control. These are all decisions that she made. They were not mistakes, not oopsies, but decisions.

For your sake, please don''t minimize the fact that her decisions have led both of you to where you are right now. I''m so sorry for being so blunt.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Skan
Good point and I didn't catch it!! I agree they make decisions albeit wrong wrong so very very wrong.

I hate to admit it but if this was one of my boys looking to take on a 18 year committment of raising another mans child from adultry. Well I would want the other man to legally sign over all his paternal rights asap! I would also want my son to get a pre nup signed by the now wife to state if there was a divorce that you the father would get full costudy of all children! Then I would feel better about the situation. Just me!! Again the child is innocent but you have to be able to love that child like your own. Remember that..

Good luck and stay safe.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

i really appreciate everyones input and it has made me think more. i do feel like what she did was a choice. ive always put her first in my mind when contemplating make a decision on anything. she is first in my heart and mind. i feel like i wasnt first in her heart or mind when this happend. i couldnt imagine doin something like this to her. how do i get over this. how can i get over this. i want to stay with her. i love her so much, i havent stopped loving her one bit. but the pain and heartache is unimaginable. how can she make up for this. how can she gain trust from me again. when can i start trusting her. what do i do!?!?!? im so lost. i want her so bad it hurts but at the same time im scared to move forward.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

i feel like i wasnt first in her heart or mind when this happend.

Of course you weren't. She was being selfish and only thinking of herself.

The thing you need to figure out is:

1) did she really end it with him or did he end it with her once she told him she was pregnant? He already has kids. The last thing he needs is another one.

2) Are you just her back up plan for support now that she doesn't have the OM to rely upon?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 12:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

1) did she really end it with him or did he end it with her once she told him she was pregnant? He already has kids. The last thing he needs is another one.

i told her that he needed to be excommunicated from her and she told me she would. she said she took him off her facebook, deleted his numbers and all that. she told me she has not tried to contact him since i asked her not to contact him. she did tell the OM that she was pregnant. im not 100% on how he feels but she did say that he would rather take it if she wanted to get an abortion. but i dont know how much he would come after the baby when it is born.

2) Are you just her back up plan for support now that she doesn't have the OM to rely upon?

i dont think so. i mean she tells me everyday that she is sorry and ashamed and was selfish and all that. she told me yesterday that shes never felt more love for me than she does now. that was after i asked her if she ever felt like she wanted to leave me cause she stopped loving me or anything like that. she responded "i only felt like that for a short period of time because i hit rock bottom and all i was doing was drinking." that hurt to hear that she even thought about leaving me. i just dont understand why it was so hard to just say "babe im unhappy and starting to fall out of love with you. i dont want to but im hitting rock bottom. what can we do to fix it?" if she would said something like that at all to me i woulda swam across the atlantic just to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her everything would be ok and i would do wutever needed to be done to fix whatever was wrong.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

they are supportive of me, they still support my wife, and they will support the child no matter what

sound like you have an awesome family!


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Andthencraigslis
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

First off I'm sorry. You have gotten some good advice, and I think one critical thing to remember is you don't need to make any decisions today. But the main thing I wanted to convey, is that if it is your choice, you absolutely can love this child as your own,without thought of the affair. I have a child that was conceived in rape. She is the light if my life. I personally am pro- choice, I don't honestly know why I kept the pregnancy at the time, but I am forever grateful I did. When I look at her all I see is my beautiful little girl, a gift of love and hope.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

TryingToBeBrave,

Thank you for serving our country, and as a result, having to leave your new wife behind. That is brave, and shows your strength.

I'm so sorry you have to be worrying about infidelity at this time. Make extra efforts to be safe, and not distracted with the adultery (crap) while on duty.

My first thought about the baby is all babies are vulnerable, and beautiful, which brings out natural nurturing instincts in most people. From what you have said, you would be loving and protective of any innocent baby, regardless of who the father was.

I know you love your wife, however you will eventually feel the breadth of her betrayal: you are out risking your life to protect her and countless strangers, while she is going out to bars, meeting men and having sex with them. Her womb hadn't even sheltered your child, and the first one in there was another man's?

We've all read so many stories here on SI of people who are suffering from infidelity after many years of marriage...and they forgave their spouse of cheating on them already early on in their M. My feeling is that since she did this so early on, if you tolerate it by staying, you are guaranteeing she will do it again, whether soon, or many years later.

Like someone suggested, if you choose to stay M to her, do it strategically, with a lawyer involved. That might wake her up permanently as to whether you will tolerate a repeat performance.

I'm so sorry your wife hurt you this way.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Soldier,

I will give you the same advice I gave too many sailors when I was in the Navy.

Stop fighting for a one sided marriage. Of course you love your wife. But you no longer have a real marriage. She decided to open it up and make you pay.

You CLING to the image you had of your wife, but she has revealed yourself to you. Open your eyes and see it.

Once you do, the anger will build. Not just shock, but real anger. USE IT TO DETACH. Because until then, you are going to make BAD decisions. You are basing decisions on a marriage that no longer exists and feelings that are fueled by rejection and betrayal.

Seek counseling. I am not sure what the Army has, but the Navy had a pretty decent network when I got out centuries ago.

And find a lawyer. Seriously. You NEED to know your rights. You need to protect yourself NOW. You are likely going to stumble into a lifetime commitment of raising another man's child (major financial and emotional obligation), while being treated as a second class citizen in a marriage where you already know she will sell you out for the attentions of another. Imagine where you fall in the pecking order of a family where you are not the father and OM is over every day seeing his child.

Once you detach, you can make rational decisions. But until then, you need to make businesslike decisions. Not emotional ones.

Filing for divorce does not mean divorce. Learning about your rights is only intelligent. Protecting yourself is critical because it is clear she will not have your back.

As you race headlong into reconciliation with someone who has decided to make your life a living hell, consider this - what would you tell your best friend if he was in your situation?

When you are able to honestly answer that, you will know what to do.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 7:53 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 896 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Can Not Believe
New Member
Member # 30508
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

TTBB
Reallyscrewedup7 is so right. Your wife has shown you who she is. You are young and have only been married a little over a year. She is pregnant with her first child and it is NOT yours. You need a lawyer. Let's say you accept the baby - sign the birth certificate - or adopt - and continue the marriage. You are deployed again. If you and your wife ever separate or divorce - you will be left with 18 years of child support for a child that's not yours. The worse scenario - You will be held legally responsible for child support - and she could still leave you - be with the OM - and you are paying HER child support for his child. I HAVE SEEN IT BEFORE. Please be careful and please protect yourself from her. Love DOES NOT conquer all. Life has shown me that.

Can Not Believe


I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 62 FWH - 62 years old
Married: 41+ years 2 sons (34 & 30)
Possible OC: 32 years old/29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011


Posts: 46 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: New Jersey
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

My FWH fathered a child on an ONS 6 years ago. OWH has willingly and knowingly raised OC as his own. I was only told when OC was 3 years old. OW insisted FWH maintain contact with OC! but has demanded no financial support from him and he has had no say in anything to do with the OC he did not want. I only found out last year that he had maintained contact. After major row, there is no contact with OW and any contact with OC has to be through OWH and there has been NC with OCfor 2 years now.

My point is that when an OC is involved, the A is never over even when there is NC with AP. it goes on for ever. The OWH is surprisingly supportive of his WS and raises the child. I can't cope at all. If you take on the OC and raise it as your own, be prepared to be reminded every single day of your wife's infidelity. Can you cope with that? Most of us couldn't. Only you know if you can. Every time you see the IC, you will remember what your WW did. Is that a good environment for the OC?

Does the OM have a wife or partner? If yes, I plead with you, however difficult it is for her to be told. Part of my trouble has been that I never knew for 3 years and then contact continued behind my back for another 2 years and all the time the other BS knew.

If you choose to raise the OC as you down, decide what contact if any the OM will have. That means he stays in your life, even if there is NC with your WW. Can you handle that? If he stays in your life and in OCs, his wife or partner MUST know.

If he doesn't stay in our life, who will support OC financially? Will you? How will you feel about that when your own children come along and money gets tight? Why shouldn't OM support the OC financially?

It takes a very very big person to raise another's child. It's a lot to ask of you. If you really are prepared to work for R with your WW, then go ahead, but you will havea harder hill to climb than most of us. Do not even consider it unless she is truly remorseful and prepared to work for it.

Good luck


Posts: 264 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

First, Thank You for your service!

My post is not meant to be mean or even sway you one way or the other. Just wanted to give you my perspective since my STBX had an A less than a year into our M followed up by another LTA 7 years later.

I agree with several of the other posters that say you need to be very careful moving forward. My STBXWW( soon to be ex wayward wife) had an affair less than a year after we got married. I did NOT know about that Affair until 7 years later when Dday happened on Affair number 2. Her 2nd Affair was a LTA (long term affair) and it lasted 3 years with a coworker. When something is so wrong with a person that they feel the need to cheat within a year of getting married it does NOT look good for the rest of the M. Did your WW ever let you know something was wrong with the M in her mind, did she try to talk to you, try to get you both in counseling, get herslef into counseling, talk to a preacher, go to church, anything at all to try and resolve the issues she "thinks" caused her to have an A. Don't get me wrong the A is 100% on her and her choice. However if she had issues with the M then she was obligated to try to resolve them with you or get a divorce from you NOT go out and have unprotected sex with another man and get pregnant. I mean how did things get that bad in our WS's mind that quickly that they had to go out and cheat and not even have the decency to try and work it out with their spouse, the person they just made vows to less than a year ago.

Your WW may have said she cut off the OM but if she has the child and you choose to raise the child together the OM will ALWAYS be in the picture. Heck he could even sue your WW for visitation rights. He may not want to be around now but unless he terminates his parental rights he can always show up at some point in the future. Heck the baby may try to seek him out in the future. Just because she cut him off doesn't mean he won't try to reach out to her. Is the baby innocent, yes, but you and your WW will always know.

Your WW has shown you EXACTLY who she is very early in your M. Look at who she is right now and make your decisions wisely. Don't look at the future you thought you would, she blew that up with her affair. Don't look at the person she was in the past because that person no longer exists or never did in the first place. Look at the person that is figuratively standing right in front of you NOW. This is WHO SHE IS...AN ADULTERER. Can she change, yes, but it is a very long road that is not easy and she has the addition of a child that isn't your to deal with. She has to work through all of her issues and that takes time and she may work through them and realize she in fact doesn't want to be with you. I recommend you take some time to detach and "do you" for awhile. Figure out exactly what you want out of life.

This sounds bad but it's true. Your WW gave you a "get out of Marriage free card". Think wisely on whether you want to use it or not. Stick around the site and read and notice how many people, myself included, had wayward spouses that cheated early on in a marriage and went on to do it again, repeatedly in some cases, years later.

It's ultimately your decision on what to do but please understand that what she did wasn't a bad mistake or bad choice. It was an intentional decision she made that has direct consequences in the form of destroying your family right as it's trying to get started, bringing a life into this world and into your family that isn't yours, showing you just how little she respects you and what you do for her, and most of all shows how little respect she has for herself.

You can't change her. You can only change yourself. Either way you choose the road sucks but it DOES get better with time down either path. I chose to get Divorced after I realized that my STBXWW could not face and fix her issues. It took me 2 years to get to that point and I wish I had made the decision to leave sooner.

My WW seemed to do everything right after Dday as well right up until over a year later she couldn't take it anymore and wanted out. She to this day continues to run from her issues. If they never resolve their own issues they remain broken and nothing you do will fix that. If you haven't, check out the Betrayed Men's thread in the I can relate forum. Keep posting, reading, and taking care of yourself. This shit sucks but you will get through it. I wish you the best. If you haven't, get a lawyer asap and figure out your rights. You need to figure out your legal responsibilities to the child if any as well as your options if you choose to stay or go. Some states have rules on how long you can file for adultery or if adultery is even considered. Go get educated on your rights so you can make an informed decision.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:54 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1821 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

They say you learn everything about a person when you begin living with them. I too would be very careful since your emotions are very raw. And this will not pass in another 8 months I will assure you. Many of us are YEARS out and still trying to deal with our emotions and times when we feel so down about what has happened. Personally I would not even attempt to adopt this child or sign a birth certificate. Any of that can be done if your marriage is fixed. For now she needs to deal with this problem and figure out a way. No love does not conquer all. That's only in movies and songs. Real world reality is you could be on the hook for this child financially for the next 18 years. You are just finding out things about your wife and who she really is. Be thankful that it is early on in your marriage and not 18 years later. You are young and can move on still.

Just know this....the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. This woman has a long road of recovery and discovery about herself. Don't get sucked in trying to be some knight in shining armor that you will save her and she will love you forever. She's already proved to you that she doesn't love you forever...and it's been what...only one year?

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:55 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Man... I sometimes wonder if we old farts can really give you good advice in these sort of situations. Well – I KNOW we can give good advice but it’s more of a question of whether you will heed it at all…

Let’s be clear on some issues. I don’t want you to leave this site. I really do think you need to hear both the good and the bad and what I am presenting is definitely the bad. Although I would appreciate you taking note of what I say then I’m only a voice here. Only one of 40,000. My word is not law, but the time I do think I have some experience to add to the pot here.


I don’t see “marriage” per se as a reason to recommend staying or leaving a relationship. I see the time invested, the people involved and the lives affected as the major determining factor. In your case – a 15 month marriage, part of that spend apart due to your service, no children and what you post about your WW actions… I can’t for the life of me see a sensible or logical reason for you to stay. Granted I can fully acknowledge that there might be moral or emotional reasons to stay.

So if you had a kid together, longer time together, major financial entwinement… I would definitely be presenting the “work on the marriage” angle but frankly friend… I don’t see this marriage working. I don’t see any reasonable benefits outweighing the effort, the commitment, the money, the time and the emotional pain required to give this marriage a chance.


I know that IF you decide to remain in this marriage you can raise this kid as your own. I don’t have any doubts or worries on that part of the equation.

One of the best pieces of advice offered here on SI is to take your time. Unfortunately many take that to mean don’t do anything… I prefer to see that as advice to think things over before acting on them – to evaluate the pro’s and con’s and reach a rational, calculated and reasoned decision. In your case there is one major factor that demands that you only take the time you are reasonably being offered and that is the pregnancy. IMHO you have 5-7 months to decide and that’s it. Use that time well.

OK – So let‘s start with some legal issues.
WITHOUT YOUR WIFE you need to be clear on your legal standing. I think in all states a husband is assumed the father irrespective of infidelity. There is a process AFTER birth where the paternity can be disputed. I think in most states OM has a very limited ability to dispute paternity if the husband doesn’t dispute it.
Even if OM accepts the biological paternity then you will assume financial responsibilities if you remain in this marriage and it ends in divorce after the birth. In fact – if OM accepts paternity, you remain married and you two divorce some time later you could have financial responsibility without any legal rights to visitation or custody.

Then with your wife you need legal advice regarding how to move on with the paternity, the birth, the possible intervention of OM and so on.

But then… Possibly the worst thing you could do here on SI is to accept our legal advice. What is clear IMHO is that YOU need to seek legal guidance and you need to do so without your wife. You need to be clear on the what if’s from the various scenarios.

What I look into is cold, hard facts:

Statistically just about 4/10 marriages in your age group end in divorce. So you guys were fighting an up-hill battle from day one. Infidelity is definitely one big reason people divorce (surprisingly though only the 4-5 major reasons) and add the pregnancy to that equation…
Statistically divorce rates in the military are sky high. The theory is that the unique stress placed on marriages by the uncertainty of active duty is causing this. It’s a phenomenon well known within law enforcement families (a career with a high divorce rate). [ The infidelity rate within military families and LEO however is the same as with the general public.]

Statistically a marriage that has already experienced infidelity is 4 times more likely to experience it again than a marriage that hasn’t. Basically – a person that cheats is more likely to cheat again so if you and WW don’t do the IMMENSE work required then two years from now. Keep in mind that generally people cheat because there is something missing in them. This is their reaction to get something they feel is missing. In most cases some sort of validation. No matter what YOU do then if your WW doesn’t find out what allowed her to cheat now then that urge is going to crawl back into her life.

It’s widely accepted that recovering from infidelity requires committed, joint work that takes around 2 years of IC, MC, workshops, reading, improving communications and so on. It requires that you are totally 100% willing to not live in the fact she cheated and that she is totally 100% willing to live in the fact she did. It’s an extremely tough thing to do and generally it’s better to have history and something more than emotional reasons to see it through. Plus it’s expensive if it’s to be done correctly.

I don’t see you working on these issues while or if deployed. In fact I think working on this when deployed can be extremely dangerous when your focus should be on remaining alive.

I don’t see you accepting that her decision to cheat is totally 100% her decision. This is a key issue; her past issues, her background, her being drunk, you being deployed… None of those justify her decision to cheat. Granted they might explain why she reached that point where she decided to take it that one step further but at the end of the day SHE had two options: back off or go on.

Why is this a key issue? Well – there is no way a person can prevent repeats if they don’t acknowledge the blame. If you even allow a slimmer of “well – of course I decided to have sex with OM. After all WH was deployed and I needed that emotional fix OM offered” you two are doomed to experience infidelity again.

I don’t see you truly having the truth. Experience tells me that WS never tell the truth at day one. Generally the “truth” is only clear way into reconciliation. So why did she see OM? At what point did she decide that being around him was a good idea? At what point did she get interested in him? Why? Who knew? Who supported the affair? Who encouraged her? Can she remove them all from her life?

I also think you need to frankly evaluate your emotions reg. WW. Is it a sense of losing something? Is it a sense of failure? Why do you feel so strongly about your need to save this marriage? I have seen dozens of cases here on SI where a BH does all he can to save the marriage only to realize he can’t cope with the forgiveness once the WW is onboard with R.

So what would happen if you decided a divorce made more sense?
Well - chances are you would still need to legally remove your name from the child.
Since you and WW have such a short marriage and no children then the financial aspect of divorce would be relatively simple. Possibly the pregnancy might land you with temporary support issues, but if you decide to divorce then the next step is refuting the paternity.

The emotional damage will be extensive!
But something that you will progressively get over in the next 6-18 months. Six months from now you won’t be feeling as bad. 12 months life will feel worth living. 18 months… you will be fine. And you will have the possibility of taking this experience into your next relationship and possibly founding that on a firmer base.

Just so you know where I come from: I walked in on my fiancé of nearly 4 years, of which 2 years living together, after walking in on her having sex with another man. We were only about 5 weeks from our wedding day and I ended that relationship there and then. I basically decided that since she was willing to risk it all while we were still supposedly fresh then she would be willing to risk it all later on. I decided that I had a better shot recovering from the loss and the INTENSE sorrow and pain and starting off again.
She too had all sorts of family issues. She too needed a lot of fixing, fixing I would have helped her with if she hadn’t decided her fixing-tool of choice hung between the legs of OM.
It took me 6 months before I woke up one day not remembering why I felt so numb. 12 months before I started seeing that my decision was absolutely the right one for me.


Like I said in the beginning: I don’t want you to leave this site and we will support you no matter what but I feel this angle I’m coming from needs to be heard.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5484 | Registered: Sep 2005
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry your here.
No one deserves this.

Listen to what everyone here is saying. The marriage you had is gone.

Your WW says she loves you more than she ever did. But she didn't love you enough tobe faithful to you.

If you do decide to R and keep the OC, then you will always be reminded of your WW's A. It's bad enough to have to live with her infidelity, but to be reminded every time you see the OC is something you really don't need.

And when you deploy again you'll always wonder what your WW is doing. You'll have enough to woory about.

Again, be carefull. Any decision you make should be one that you can live with.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

you have all been so great. the advice from all different angles is awesome.

since im not due home for another 30 days or so what can i ask her to do to make mee feel better about this until we can actually go to MC. ive asked her to text me at all hours even if im asleep to just let me know wut she is doing. even tho im not awake when i do wake up i can see it and know she is thinking about me. but she doesnt do it that much. i find myself doing all the checking in. i text her when im home, every time i leave my dorm room, when i go to chow, everything. how do i let go of that.

its hard to explain. i dont want everyone here thinking my wife doesnt care. cause she really does. i can tell how remorseful she is. i just feel sometimes im trying to better myself and be a better husband to her than she is to me. i mean without therapy yet i have figured out somethings about us that i never really thought of before.

like our love languages. i speak in gifts and she speaks in word of affirmation. ive never been the best at giving her the words and feelings she needs to feel love so ive been trying to work on that.

ive also learned that she has issue from the past. her father was a drug addict and an alcoholic for years. when she was in her early teens she was kinda forced to parent her younger brother and sister. her father was never around. he would leave for hours, sometimes even days at a time. her mother told me that she would sit in her room by the window and just cry and pray that her daddy would come home. she also had a boyfriend in highshcool who died in a car crash(not his fault, hit by a person who ran a stop sign and was drunk). So i think she has a subconcious mental issue with men leaving her. and when we started dating i was almost never gone from her. we spent the first 2.5 years before we got married doing everything together. even after we got married there were no problems. but then i get deployed, and now im gone, not because i want to be away from her but because im serving my country. so now im gone and those issues in her head start to surface im sure.

so i gues what im trying to figure out is how do i get her to take the blame. understand that im the one hurting cause of her action. i want her to make me fall in love with her again. i feel i have already acknowledged my downfalls in the M and i know what i need to do in order to fix them (i still want to go to MC for the professional help, but atleast im being proactive). i just want her to do the same thing. maybe i want her to do more than that. i want to feel like im the center of her world like shes the center of mine. i want to know that if theres any obstacle that is keeping her from me that she would acknowledge the obstacle, say "fuck u, thats my man and you will not stop me from being with him" to the obstacle and then do whatever it takes to destroy the obstacle.

----------------------------

this is just me thinking out loud.

am i blinded by the love i feel for her. maybe. do i care? i dont think i do. why cant the feeling that i have for her be enough to hold on to. its the core of all emotion. its because i love her im angry, scared, lost, sad, confused, anguished, nautious...all of those terrible emotions i feel are because i love her like no one else can love another person. if i didnt i wouldnt care and wouldnt be on this site. but its also because i love her that i feel alive, elated, energetic, compassionate, inspired, important, fearless...all the good i feel in my life comes from her. she makes me feel like i can take on an entire army and come out on top. like there is nothing i cant acheive as long as shes with me. ive always felt that no matter what she dreamed or wanted to accomplish that i would always be by her side supporting her. there to let her know no matter what, if she failed or succeeded that i was there. if people left her life, doubted her, or got in her way i would always have her back. i just want the same thing in return.
i dont really know where im going anymore with this rant. all i do know is there is absolutely nothing in this world or any unknown world that is stonger than the love i feel for my wife. i know a lot of you think its cliche or only exist in the movies...but i dont care. i am who i am. i am my father's son, and i will always be till the day i die. im not changing my heart for anything.

this is our wedding song by the way...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFEjdlEGvvE - it says it all

[This message edited by TryingToBeBrave at 9:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

TryingToBeBrave

I am so sad for you. This is such an awful situation.

I realise she is the love of your life and you feel you cannot let her go. I get that. I really do.

After our first child 27 years ago I caught my FWH with another woman. He swore she was "just a friend". I bought it. Because I loved him. Later found out it was at least an EA and probably a PA. He begged me to forgive him. He cried. He told me he was so sorry. Told me he loved me more than life itself and couldn't live without me.

I tried hard to forgive and forget and move on. In fact I did do just that. We had a second child.

Then the M started to fall apart. He became an irrational bully. He abused me emotionally and a couple of times physically. I won't give you the details but I "stayed for the kids" and kept hoping things would get better. I did all I could to "make him happy". Nothing worked. I was miserable for many years. But I always had hope.

Then I found out 25 years later that the infidelity had never stopped. He had had many OWs - LTEAs and LTPAs.

Our M never had a chance. Now he is "so sorry" again. Will never do it again. He just took 25 years of my life. Denied me the chance to have a real M but now he is sorry. I am 57 years old. So what do I do?

So many on here don't want you to go through the agony of what we experienced. It makes me want to cry reading your story. So many women on here would love a man like you.

I hope that one day you find a woman who appreciates you.

I wish I could say that your WW is that woman but I doubt it.

Listen to the old hands like Bigger. The wisdom on here is amazing.

Please listen

Laura



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

TryToBeBrave
I am so sad for the situation to are In. You are trying so hard to make it better.
Please remember that your wife also needs to make it better. She is the one that needs to put in the effort, win you back, make you feel secure... You can do everything right, but it isn't your role to fix this mess. She needs to do that.
If you need her to check in as you say, ask her to. If she doesn't, she is showing you who she is. It is a case of avoiding you- she can do that for the next 30 days via text, but you will be home soon.
Please try to sleep properly and get some rest. You need to be at your full senses and rested to be of proper service. You can't afford to gamble with your life by not being alert.
Neither can you make your wife change or be what you want her to be. You can not make her understand or feel remorse. She needs to do this on her own.
I don't know if she is capable of making you the centre of her life and love- her history indicates that you weren't and time may tell if you are or will be in future.
I also want you - imo- to know that no amount of messed up family background makes you cheat or justifies why you cheat. I myself come from a dysfunctional background where my Dad was a serial cheater, he had long term affairs, their is an illegimate child as old as I am, there were absences by my father. My mum had an affair when I was in my teens: I was messed up because of it. BUT you know what, because of what I saw, I would never hurt my spouse like that. I have never been unfaithful or had an affair. I have no sympathy or respect for people who justify their bad decisions because of there family issues: you can get help, not make the same mistakes and stop blaming your background for YOUR own crap.
Please take your time before you get home to think about what you need to do. Unless your wife is committed to seriously and intensively fixing herself, you can be as loving as you want: she won't change.
Please carefully weigh your options before signing up for a world of pain and hurt.
Take care of yourself and continue posting.
Strength to you.

[This message edited by AStar at 5:30 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

TTBB,

You love your wife deeply, which is awesome. She loves you. She has abandonment issues because of her dad and HS boyfriend, and that is why she cheated on you...

All that is good to know, however, what will she do the next time you are away from her? She has to go to individual counselling and learn to to deal with her own issues. That is the only way your M is going to work, unless you discover some time down the line that infidelity is a deal breaker for you.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Don't let your WW use her childhood/abandonment issues be her excuse for cheating. Something in her told her that cheating was the acceptable way to cope. It is not acceptable.

SHE needs to work on those issues. They are hers to own, hers to fix. Don't take on her responsibilities. You said you need to see her putting in effort and you absolutely do. She needs to proactively get to the bottom of her shit.

In my opinion, her individual counseling needs to be a priority at this time before MC. The marriage can't be saved until you are both healthy individually. The baby complicates things big time. Inasmuch as its honorable for you to say you would raise it as your own, please don't make any decisions on that right now. If your WW can't/won't own and fix her shit, being connected to her thru a baby that's not yours would be a nightmare.

You have a long, rough road ahead of you.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5999 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

The baby may be a HUGE issue.

Here in NY, and other states, if your WW has a baby while your married, it's yours, no matter who the father is. You are responsible for that child 'til they're 18.
Do you really want that?


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Thank you for serving our country. You are a hero in all of our eyes for doing just that. I understand what you are feeling for your wife because she is the light and love of your life. I also struggle with those same feelings. I'm not to far from finding out about my WW's A.

I don't have any advice to give because I'm still raw and ate up with the hurt of being betrayed. All I can say is that you are a better men than most if you can get past this. I thought I had it bad until I read your story. I couldn't bare the weight that you have sitting on your shoulders. My wife, like yours seemed to need the validation because she is a weak person. I never saw it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wish you the best of luck and I know you'll get the answers you are seeking in time. Maybe your wife could get herself into counseling to start with while you are away.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 547 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Uhtred,
your d-day was almost 4 months ago correct? how are the feelings now? do you regret trying to reconcile? is your wife in IC? is that helping her? does it make you feel any better that she is going?


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I'm out about 4 months from DDay. I have my ups and downs like a roller coaster ride. I've been put on some medication that has helped me with getting some much needed sleep. Some times I regret trying to reconcile and other times I don't. I'm not exactly sure what I want at this time. I'm still taking baby steps here and there I've learned that I don't have to make any decisions right now.

I have 13 good years and 1 bad year with this women. I have two small children and a lot invested in the relationship. I try and not let that dictate my decision but it is hard for me to not let it play a factor. My wife is doing individual counseling and I just started with it. We've been going to MC together since the beginning.

It does make me feel better that she is the one who initiated the counseling. She did say to me that she wanted to find out what in the world made her do this. She has some self esteem issues that we've both known existed for quite some time. It's unfortunate that she didn't get help before this happened.

Validation is something that she obviously needed. She has barely scratched the surface on why she did this. In my opinion she is showing true remorse. No one can tell you whether or not your wife is truly remorseful. You know her best.

My wife went and had her number changed. She gave me the passwords to all of her stuff and closed her FB account. Even with doing all of that I'm still broken and shattered at what she has done to our family. Your situation is far different from mine. You haven't even been married a little over a year and your wife did this to you.

She is very lucky to have a man that is so forgiving. If it were me I would definitely divorce. No one can answer that for you. You and you alone are the one that will have to live with her decision. Being betrayed is the worst thing one human being can do to another. It's like a death that just won't go away. Talking about it definitely helps and I'm glad I took the advice given here to get myself some IC.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 547 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 30th (Friday)

One more thought.
Has your WW been tested for STD's?

Another thing taht's been bothering me. Why didn't she use protection? Condoms are available everywhere these days and even kids can get "plan B" over the counter at any drug store.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 30th (Friday)

yah i never understood the whole not using a condom part. just stupid. but yah she plans on getting tested when she has her next appointment with the ob/gyn


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 30th (Friday)

My wife didn't use any protection either. It seems this is a common trend with wayward spouses. I just don't understand it. It really pisses me off and it's just another slap in the face.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 547 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 30th (Friday)

She needs to get tested sooner than that. Some of those things take time to cure and it's already been at least 3 weeks.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Warninglight
New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Please do not sign the birth certificate and sue the AP for child support! Whether or not you keep your wife.

Honestly watching the wear down of my wifes body for another mans baby would send me over the edge.

I salute your service sir.


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

we were planning on having kids anyways. so i dont see how the 'wearing down" of her body can bother me. plus if she takes care of herself she will be just as beautiful afterward. and thirdly, i love her for her mind and personality, her sexy body is just a bonus.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

For your sake, get the OM's paternity established. You would hate to be divorced and paying for his kid. Regardless of how you feel, there is a very good chance of this.

I would run away as fast as I could.


Posts: 200 | Registered: Jun 2012
PhoenixReborn
Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Hi There.

I am sorry that you have been put into pretty much the most nightmarish situation by your WW.
Cheating is one thing, but having anther mans child puts it on a whole new level.

I know this is hard, but for your own sake you need to try to make decisions using only logic with a view to your future wellbeing, emotionally, but more importantly, financially.
Remove all emotion from the decion making from the decision making process.
In a nutshell your heart cannot be trusted to make the safest decisions, you have to use your head / logic only. Think like a Vulcan would from Star Trek.
It is is easier said than done, but I did not do this and I ruined my future over someone who ultimately was only manipulating me , because I made decisions with my heart, instead of my logic- please do not make the same mistake.

You are stongly urged to assume the worst case scenario (that she will leave you after you are on the hook for CS etc..) and then make decisions based on protecting you from those outcomes (financially first, emotionally second).

See a lawyer and follow their advice.
This obviously means you are recommended to have the OC not deemed as yours (yes, even if that means you should divorce asap should a lawyer recommend that).

Really importantly, as someone else pointed out, why didn't your WW take the 'morning after' pill to at least prevent a pregnancy from starting?
After all she knew she had unprotected sex....

So you really need to KNOW in yourself what you can or cannot cope with in all this - very soon.
You need to really decide whether you are able to cope with her having another mans child for life with you always being below the OC (and possibly even the biological father / OM) in the pecking order.
Will you ever get resentful? Honestly think about this. (for your own decision making)

IMO
I know I personally would be always reminded of how the OC came to be, and that is not fair to the child or me.

Consider:
Maybe you might tell GF/WW she should do what she wants - feels right doing, and that you support her doing whatever her choice is.
Only once she has made her decision (so as to not influence her decision), would your decision be made known, which might be that you cannot live with the that situation of raising another man's child when that child should have been yours to begin with.

If abortion is not an option, has your WW considered giving the OC up for adoption at birth?

Only you can choose for yourself, so again hard choices/decisions await you, please think carefully and seek a legal advice as they will not be encumbered by things like feelings and emotions, and listen to their advice for your own sake.

ETA: Spelling

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 4:52 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

I'm sorry you are going through this, you sound like a good, honest person who is in a terrible situation and is trying to act in the most honourable way they can.


As a military member myself I understand the frustrations at not being able to deal with home issues whilst deployed and the way a deployment can distort the "real" world.

Right now there isn't much you can do to address your wife's infidelity and pregnancy. I dare say you lack the time and privacy to really explore your own emotional response to her actions either. Your focus for the time being needs to be on keeping yourself healthy and getting through the last month of your deployment, you have some big issues to work through but don't stress yourself trying to do it from the other side of the world. The stress of deployment is bad enough so just deal with what is currently in your reach to manage.


Posts: 463 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

My WH is a vet.

The main issue I have with service members' wives who cheat and cry loneliness or abandonment is that they knew what they were getting into. It is wartime.

If your WW was lonely, well, you said yourself she met this guy while out with friends. She could've gone to counseling. I bet she could've made a trip to see your family. She could've made connections with spouses of other deployed soldiers.

She had many options other than choosing to cheat on you.

Right now you are caught up in the natural reaction to try to save your marriage. Sooner or later this urge will fade and you will think about what she did to you. Ya know, being deployed, I think you should be thinking more about what more she could've done to support you, and less about how lonely she was....in America, near a base full of people with similar experiences, able to go out with friends.

And being drunk is not an excuse. It lowers inhibitions. That means you are still in control; you're not psychotic.

I would think carefully about whether this is the woman you want to be tied to for 18 years. She has shown herself to be very selfish and naive (not using protection).

(((((hugs))))) and wishes for a safe remainder of your deployment.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Also.... I just saw that you said that you asked her to text you updates on what she is doing, but she is not doing so and you are the one doing most of the checking in.... Yet... She is the one who cheated and got pregnant.

What does that tell you?


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Also.... I just saw that you said that you asked her to text you updates on what she is doing, but she is not doing so and you are the one doing most of the checking in.... Yet... She is the one who cheated and got pregnant.

i think i felt like this at first because i was always initiating every conversation. out here in the middle of no where we dont have cell service. only wifi in certain areas. when i go to an area i know there is wifi i will ask her wut shes doing. she does leave me messages that pop up when i enter into a wifi area and get service. so i dont think i was thinking that part through fully. she doesnt know when i am in my room or at the break area and have wifi so i cant really blame her for not initiating convo with me. but it is nice to see when she leaves me random messages saying, "hey im goin to the store" or "home from work" or whatever ya know.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
HopefulSkeptic
New Member
Member # 40510
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

You should count yourself lucky you found out what type of person she really is and divorce her immediately. Why would you embark on what you hope would be a marriage for life with a cheater carrying another man's baby? Get out now!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Trying;
Very many of us have suggested getting legal advice. No matter what you want for the future then PLEASE follow that advice.

To sign a birth certificate or not is irrelevant. Since you are married you are the father, no questions asked and basically no protest allowed. In fact – even if you divorced today and the divorce cited her getting pregnant by OM – you would still be the legal father. I’m 99% certain that refuting paternity had to be done through a legal process after birth.

Even if you remain in this marriage. Even if things work out and you two will grow old together… You NEED to know your legal standing. For example: what if OM demands a part in the child’s life? What rights might the child have to know true paternity? Can OM come back to your family? What does taking action now mean? What does NOT taking action now mean? Can she refute paternity? If so when and how? There are dozens of questions you need answers to.

Look – You post on this forum for some reason. You are seeking advice… Don’t ignore it!

Trying; what is your biggest fear in this situation? Is it losing your wife?


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5484 | Registered: Sep 2005
resigned
Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree 100% with Bigger. You must talk to a lawyer.

Are you subject to being deployed again?

Just an FYI, I have a cousin who's fiancé cheated on him and got pregnant.

He went ahead and married the girl, raised the child as his own and they had 3 more children together.

All the children are grown now and they are still married.

So it's possible. You will have time to decide what is right for you.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

ultimately i do think the thing i am most scared about is losing my wife. i love her too damn much to just walk away.

i am definitely looking for advice on here and i have planned on seeing a lawyer, alone, when i get back to the states. i will figure out all my options and then decide wut my decision about the child will be.

i have explained to my wife that this is what i need to do and she understands. the legal side is all on my shoulders and mine alone. i told her that i would not be strong enough to go through this again and that if it did there would be a separation. so i have to kind of prepare legally for that outcome. granted it is the last outcome i want to unfold.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

That''s wise of you. Now, how are YOU doing? What can we do to support you? Are you keeping yourself focused in the field, staying hydrated, and trying to get rest when you can? Have you found something to do there that can take your mind off of things state-side for a while punching the heck out of a bag or the like? Take care of yourself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

yes. i am doing better. i don't really do msuch outside of work except stay in contact withthe wife and talk with her as much as possible. when we can't talk i hang out and play cards with friends. that about it.

tomorrow i am scheduled to talk to an IC. hopefully i can clear my head a little more. I've gotten some details from the wife about the times she was with the OM and im starting to think that it might potentially be rape. just because of how it all went down and stuff. i need to get more details but from wut she told me the first time i tried to get detailed info that's wut it seemed like to me. ill update later when i find out more.

[This message edited by TryingToBeBrave at 2:54 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

If he raped her, why did she...

Add him in Facebook
Switch from Facebook messaging to texting when you caught them
Babysit his kids, lying about the fact that it was the same guy she was Facebook messaging
Sleep with him not once, not twice, not three times but four times
Only deleted him from Facebook and phone after you found out

I implore you not to let her get away with this and walk all over you. You sound like a good, supportive, caring husband. She betrayed you. Please stop making excuses for her. She is a broken person and unless she works long and hard on herself, she will do this again.

Some books for both of you:

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

And specifically for you:

Codependent No More

Please take care of yourself and put yourself first.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
TryingToBeBrave
New Member
Member # 40420
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

ok so i talked more in deatail with the wife. i have concluded that technically the first night was a form of rape. i think this because he got her drunk, drove back to his place, slept in his bed, and then in the morning found out they had sex, she had no memory of the event. But since she was not denying the fact that she put herself in the situation and repeatedly did so that there had to be some form of desire for it to happen.

so i think me grasping at a rape claim was to try and deny that she could do this to me. but im over that all now and am ready to move forward again.


BH: 27
WW: 21
D-Day: 22Aug13

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

TryingToBeBrave)))

I am so thankful for your service and sacrifice!

I wish I could say something that would go BAM! Right to your heart, and give you a revelation, an epiphany.

Like an arrow to the heart, what I say may be painful, but it's meant for you to see - really *see* what is happening.

Read your posts again. Pick out the dozen or so times you've written things along the lines of

ive always put her first in my mind when contemplating make a decision on anything. she is first in my heart and mind.

Heck, your story begins with

i am a loving husband of my wife

more

i dont want to lose her.

and
i love her more than life itself and i dont want to lose her.

and
i love her too much to lose her.

Those few are just from your first post!

This is the 'hard to hear' part. I'm sorry in advance if it hurts, again, not my intention.

You need to love yourself.
FIRST.
Your identity, your sense of worth
is based on things outside of you.

Your ability to fix the broken M, to deal with the immense complications of an OC, to hang on the crumbs of your wife's regret - & convince yourself they taste like remorse,
those things define your worth.

Not you.

Those things are not self love.
When you truly grasp this, and love yourself, you will DETACH from the need for external validation.

A tagline on here says;
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

That is what happens when you finally turn inward to love and respecting yourself and you realize
you do not deserve this!
Why haven't I been loving myself?

Almost all of your posts shout this to me.
They are all about things external to you - where you find your identity,
very little
about you.

Esteem yourself.
Respect yourself.

It's time.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

There‘s a reason I asked about your biggest fear.

You say your biggest fear is losing her. For the sake of argument then let’s replace that fear. Let’s say you claim your greatest fear was water. The thought of water makes you shiver and shake. Now – I guess you would still use water to clean up, cook and drink. But you would avoid entering water deeper than you are comfortable with. If you really evaluated your fear then you would realize that it isn’t a fear of water – it’s a fear of drowning. And if you were forced to confront that fear you would probably deal with it; learn to swim, get a flotation device or move to the mountains.

If however you allow yourself to be controlled by your fear… That’s a lifetime of towel-baths, dehydration and living detached from reality.

It’s the same with your fear of losing your wife. If that is truly your fear – if losing your wife is the absolute worst outcome you can see… Well… I challenge you to reevaluate your fear: I guess your biggest fear is abandonment, feeling less of a person, feeling like a loser, feeling that you failed and therefore she cheated… The losing your wife part is more like a display or consequence of your fear.

If the absolute 100% worst thing that could happen – if the ABSOLUTE worst outcome one year from today was that you weren’t married… Well then don’t do ANYTHING to risk this “marriage”. Heck – you wouldn’t be the first husband or wife that lives with a spouse that has affairs that everyone pretends not to notice. Allow her to cope with her issues the way she has to-date; by seeking outside validation. After all any attempt by you to limit that is a threat to the “marriage”.

Have a feeling that won’t sound good to you.

So really evaluate the worst possible outcome. Evaluate your biggest fear.

Have a feeling that when you do so you will realize that losing her isn’t the worst outcome. The worst outcome would be in the same situation one year from today. The worst outcome would be living a marriage that doesn’t fit in with your concept of “marriage”.

To me this is a major point. Once you realize what it is you fear you have a chance of overcoming it. If I’m right then you will be empowered to draw your line in the sand and say “Honey. This is what I need. This is what we need. This is what I’m willing to do and this is what I need you to do. If this isn’t possible then ending this marriage is the lesser of two evils”.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I am not saying leave this marriage (although I truly think that’s the logical and “easy” way to go). Irrespective of whether you stay or leave you have to deal with the issues and what’s causing them. But I am warning you that once your WW realizes that you are not willing to walk away from this deal – no matter what – then your goose is cooked. You probably will remain married but it won’t be the marriage you want.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5484 | Registered: Sep 2005
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

Trying

You are getting great advice here.

And I am glad you are going to speak to an attorney. That is wise.

After you get home you are going to realize your wife needs serious counseling.

The marriage cannot be worked on until she gets her heads on straight.

Infidelity
Drinking
Unprotected Sex
Other Man
Pregnancy (not your child)

You see these signs. Your wife is only 21 and made very poor decisions.

And I admire your resolve and love for your wife & marriage.

But those qualities will not fix your wife or her issues.

They will not fix the issues in your marriage only hard work from both of you will do that.

And your career most likely means you will eb away from her for extended periods of time.

So take your time. Get good legal advice.

And ensure no matter what your decision is that your wife gets her life together with or without you.

Keep posting and stay safe.

HM64


Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Married only for 15 months and your wife got pregnant by some other guy and you are busy trying to find excuses for her (Drinks, rape, seperation issue, foo). Dont you think its too much?

Stop finding excuses for her adultery, it was her choice to have sex with OM unprotected and there is nothing you could have done to stop it.

Just be rational in your thinking, Why she confessed to you now? She got pregnant and she cant hide it any more so she confessed. Why she feel so love with you now? when she was even thinking of living you before? She knows OM is married and he is not going to leave his children and wife, This is the real reason for her epiphany and why she feel soooo love with you now.

I think she is still lying to you about the length and frequency of their Affair and sex.

She is in damage control to protect herself and her child.
so she is love bombing you now.You are going to learn more about her Affair as time goes by.

Did she stoped her A when you confronted her first? No she continued it on your back. What happened her love for you then?. She planed it and excuted it. So there is nothing to blame you.

You are young, young men can become naive and act live saviors. you cant save her, she is broken she has to fix herself. Its easy to say I will raise the child but as time goes on and the child is going to remind you of her adultery every day it will do a lot of harm for your self.

She showed you her true colors, she will do the same when you get deployed next time (seperation issue as you says)Once a cheater cheater for ever but some can change with hard work but do you want to bet your life on it?

Use this month to detach and see the things for what it is. see a lawyer and know your options.

She is aganist abortions but dont have a problem in sleeping around and getting knocked up by some one else.REALLY?

For a R (?) an abortion and STD check ups and pre nup should be a must. She continue with this pregancy means you are going to have OM in your life for rest of your life. He wont show up now but will come up later. Marriage is between two there is no room for a third person.

Dont allow your love for her blindside you,Take your own time to decide what you want. there is a lot of life ahead of you. choose it wisely else you will suffer for ever.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

TTBB

I wish you best in your healing. And I know, if you are still reading, you are sick of people giving you a counter-view to your drive to reconcile with your WW.

However, I would be remiss if I did not point out that you are feeling massive rejection. And one of the basic reactions to rejection is to latch on to the source of the rejection in an attempt to "reclaim" what is (was) ours.

That primal drive is not a rational or helpful instinct.

I am sorry you are in this situation that is not your fault. Please please think of you as you move forward.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 896 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Just checking to see how your doing now that your back.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
2long
New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Very sad si2ation. Trying, how are things going?

I've known a half dozen or so BHs who've recovered their marriages after an affair that produced an OC. In only one of these cases did the BH take the WW back, knowing about the pregnancy and before the baby was born. I'm sure others might have more experience than me, though.

Several years ago, there was an unusual case on loveshack where the BH had been injured saving his wife from part of a building facade falling while they were on vacation. He spent many months in a coma, and she was told he wasn't expected 2 recover.

She had an affair and got pregnant. The baby was born a couple months after he woke up from the coma. She wanted 2 stay with him but he divorced her. But he also urged her 2 reconnect with the OM and try 2 make a life with him - after all, she had his child and not the BH's. I don't think she went 2 the OM in the end. But they did divorce.

I don't think you have the whole story from your wife, and don't know that you'll ever get it. It certainly wasn't rape or she wouldn't have gone back for more - she would have filed charges.

I'm rambling, should get on my way home from work. But wanted 2 suggest this other option - send her packing, maybe wish her well, and thank your lucky stars that you found out about the affair while you're still young and can start fresh with a little wisdom under your belt.

I was in my late 40s when I found out about my wife's 11-year VLTA. That was 12 years ago, and I still believe that I would have wanted 2 start over if I'd found out when the affair first started. We're doing fine now, but that would have been impossible if there were and OC.

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Trying to be brave

How are you?

Let us know you got home safe?

HM


Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

i believe that everyone deserves a second chance. a mistake the first time is just that...the second time it becomes a habit and no longer just a mistake.

Gently...she made the SAME "mistake" 4 times.

As some of the others said, I agree that you're making all kinds of excuses for her unacceptable behavior. She's a 21 year old girl and you're not much older.

If you honestly think you can do this for the next 20+ years - raise another man's child because your wife chose to continually make 'mistakes' - then you're a better person than I.

Lastly, bless you for your service to our country.

You deserve SO much better.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1564 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 69