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User Topic: Be "smart" a don't remarry!
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 26th (Monday)

At a get together last weekend, my 75 year old BIL , widowed two years ago, joked about finding a younger woman but said that he would never get married again.

My H replied. "That's smart"

This really bugged me. Maybe I took it too personally, but I felt that he should defend marriage at this point in our recovery not knock it.

I think I over-reacted because later, I told him that he shouldn't let his disillusionment with marriage, influence comments to other people. The person in this case is so terribly lonely and would probably love to find someone to care for.

H claims he is not disillusioned with marriage. Guys sometimes talk this way to each other.

My feelings were hurt. Was I wrong?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I can see why your feelings are hurt. After all, aren't you giving him a precious gift by offering R after his A? Isn't the marriage now a precious gift that he nearly destroyed? And he's saying to someone else that not getting married again is smart? Do you wonder what that says about his own mindframe? Is it that, if he had it to do again, he wouldn't get married at all (invalidating) - or is it that, if he had it to do again, he would get married and then NOT have an affair? Hard to know where he's coming from. I can see why you're bugged by his comment.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I am sorry that his comments hurt you. And you have every right to be hurt by them.

I work in a very male dominated field. I hear comments like that all the time. They are said in a machismo joking manner. That doesn't excuse it at all or make them any less obnoxious.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Thank you both. I wonder often if I'm being overly sensitive. I'm glad to know I wasn't over-reacting.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)

The people who I know who are BS or divorced and it wasn't their idea have mentioned this type of thing before.

It's also my thought that your H should (ETA) not have said something like that, during R, no... and I also think that you have a right to be both sensitive and oversensitive at present. I know that I am as well, though not R, and that it takes quite some time to come back down from it.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 3:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yea FB..that was rude and hurtful. He's lucky he's still M, some ws don't get that gift.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Being smart is staying faithful to your wife!

It would be smart if your BIL found love at this time of his life rather than just "a younger woman" If he has enough money, he can do that anyway. But where's the comfort in that?

Sorry FB, he's doing stupid well.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3470 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 7