User Topic: encouraging a confession
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I'm wondering if other BS knew something was going on and offered to their WS an opportunity to confess?

I did. I found the text and told him that we should tell each other uncomfortable things, that after I did what I did, we can't afford not to be truthful with each other.
That night I cried and slept on the couch, he came down and wrapped me in his arms and begged me to come to bed, telling me nothing was going on...

He came home that night and told me that he had taken her number out of his phone (natch, he just changed her name to Dennis) but I had done research all day long, found out who she was, and found out how to read deleted texts on a Blackberry.... and confronted him that night.

what a coward. Sorry, just angry I guess....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I gave my xww a chance to confess. She dug in hard on her denials. I ended up having to do more digging to find out the extent of the A's. I still don't know the whole story, but I knew enough to make my decision.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)

For the entirety of WH's TT, I had attempted to create a "safe" environment for him to fess up and tell me the whole truth. I knew he was still lying because A LOT of the things he said, didn't add up. For the entirety of his TT, he lead me on a wild goose chase like you wouldn't believe and ruined a number of pre-A places that were special hallmarks of our relationship, places that he didn't even care to remember because he was TT'ing so badly.

I gave him chance after chance, but in the end, I discovered EVERY SINGLE THING, and people wonder why I have anger at him? Yeah, the memory of my dead bishop is almost ruined because he claimed that a house right IN my old Bishop's neighborhood was the house where he screwed her. Come to find out, it wasn't near it at all and he just wanted to drive us around because he was terrified I was going to get out of the car and set her house on fire. Nope, I was just curious as to where the sexcapades took place.

I wanted to know A LOT of things that I mentally, physically and emotionally prepared myself for and to listen to, calmed myself down many a-time to make sure that he didn't feel threatened telling me the truth, and YEP! He still lied to me.

He regrets it now, but screw it all if he can change that either. It was bad enough WH screwed her and carried on an EA, then he had to continue lying about it, and in so destructive of a fashion?

Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yes..more than once. When I suspected an A, I asked him if he was having one. I told him I felt the distance, I offered to go to mc..he called me insecure and paranoid. Another time I asked him if he was seeing ow (by name) he laughed at my choice of woman..said if he was going to trade, he would trade up not down, acted insulted I said her name but he was cocky as f**k when he said it. I even told him that I knew we had been through so much drama/trauma and I understood if he may have slipped up. Again...he said nope, no way. Such a wuss.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I told my H that I "knew" what was going on and that I wanted him to tell me about it. I had no solid proof, but I knew.

He spilled everything.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I told my WW that I was worried about her Internet history about 4 months before I found out the real truth. I review it on our computers since I have kids. She blew me of like saying she liked to read other people's stories. Turns out, she was learning how to hide her A.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Over and over for four years.

Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yep you know my story, I found the texts and WH gave me the 'just friends' speech even after I disclosed my RA to him he held his lips tight. I found out most of the A details on my own and any detail he has given me is questionable in my eyes.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I begged him for the truth, told him I could handle anything he had to say. Instead, I was fed half truths or just enough to keep me happy in the moment. Unfortunately, this has set us back to square one, on more than one occasion, most recently being last week. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep going.

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 953 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yes. I gave him many opportunities, I had to get the details myself. The "confession" was full of lies and even then it was forced.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I asked my W if she was having an A 3 or 4 times during her A. She always denied it.

The conversation that got the confession was right after she freaked out during sex play:

me: Is there something I should know?
her (after what seemed like a long delay): I don't know.
me: What does that mean for us?
her: ...I've been having sex with....

Of course, she might not have been lying when she denied an A, because in her mind at that time, it wasn't a common A, it was something much bigger and much more important that anything as sordid as an A.... (note to self: add this to 'dumb things WSes think and say')

Also, that's the only time I ever said anything soap-opera-ish! I swear! Well, I hope....

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10378 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 26th (Monday)

on vacation, I told my WH that I thought he was seeing someone else and asked him to tell the truth. He said, "I don't want to discuss this".

months later when I asked him about this response at the time he explained that he wanted me to "be able to relax around the pool".

um..... sure.

True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Yes, about 10 days before D-day I told fWS that it seemed she was closer to her "friend" than me.

She said "well,, that sounds like a personal problem" and totally blew me off.

Eight months post d-day she used that phrase with me again about something unrelated. And. She. Will. Never. Use. That. Phrase. Again. Or she won't live to tell about it anyway!

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2242 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Lol purpleJ..there's a popular phrase from a movie that ow used on me. My ws started using it so I knew he hsd spoken to.her because it just wasn't something he would say...its forbidden in my house now..even my kids know not to say it
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 14