User Topic: Did you feel relief after filing for D
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I remember feeling better with each milestone DD and separation and so on like everything was clear and I didn't feel crazy anymore
Today I filed my papers for D and I feel some peace?!
I am sad the M didn't work and I am dissapointed XWH had and A and didn't want me but I feel like I am at the end and it seems ok?
I was freaking out for the last ? months fighting and working and trying and now there is nothing to do but move on
I hope this isn't just anouther stop on the roller coaster and really a beginning to me getting peace
anyone else just feel relief or peace with the end of this fight ?

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)

The relief came on the day I kicked him out/had him served. Filing & waiting for the paperwork & process server to be ready was a living hell on earth. I was so certain he would find out what I was up to & murder me. So when I actually was able to pull off getting him out of the house and live to tell the tale? Euphoria & relief, all in one!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 26th (Monday)

When I finally decided to file it was like letting go. I had been gaslighted for a long time so I had felt crazy, then at DD I felt destroyed. It's been over two years since DD#1. I've fought hard for my marriage but went through a DD#2 and lots of TT.

The decision to let go of the marriage and file did give me some peace. I didn't have to fight for a marriage by myself anymore. There have still been times when I cry but not the same as before. I hope that you find peace and happiness.

Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Meeting with WH and his IC this week to discuss where we go from here. He has basically said MC is too slow for him and hard. He feels like we have wasted time and money and he just wants me to forgive and let him return home. If I can't he is keeping his paycheck out of our joint account and we can figure out who pays what.

Well guess what? he does not get to decide. I have another opinion. The MC has allowed me to see how far gone my WH with his anger and resentment. Unlike WH, I have found these months and money spent on MC invaluable to me and my ability to see him clearly and detach. I am somewhat calm as I know he will not agree to put his check in our joint account and resume MC. I meet with my L the next day to file and I am so ready and at peace to end this crazy for me and my kids. I have all ducks in a row and our Ls can decide who pays what.

This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 26th (Monday)

It wasn't relief, exactly, because I was devastated that I had to file and that I would be divorced. But, I did get my self respect back, and I knew it was the right thing for me to do, and I felt like I was finally back in control of my life. The actual feeling of relief came about 2 months after I filed, when I had had enough time off the crazy train to see things (aka the marriage) for what it was and realize just how much gaslighting had gone on.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I kicked him out I did our separations agreement separated our finance I have learned I am so strong and can do this all
But I am hoping I can hold a piece of this peace
I fought hard
I told him we were going to file jointly I did the papers and we took them in today and even he seemed calm
If I could have picked an end to my marriage (that I never wanted to end ha ha) today would have been it
I am sorry he said and meant it
I love you
I want to stay here for a while! I am so tired and so jumpy with anxiety and I just want to stay here and breath and hope and enjoy
Thanks to all of you for pushing me through each dragged out stage
I am hoping I am through the tough stuff for a bit anyway!

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Sadness would describe the day I filed. I handled my own D, so after the papers were sent back 4 times, the day I got my D was utter relief.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Hang in there.


Divorced and beginning my new life.

2 Ddays and lots of TT

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I just filed last Friday. There was an immediate sense of relief followed by an extreme bout of anxiety (pent up nerves, probably). The sadness was overwhelming. However, I am glad to see the end in sight and knowing that I no longer have to put of a phony façade of civility for the purpose of getting him to play nice and sign. I will feel even better when the judge signs off and it is truly official (a month or so), and I am already making plans for my new life free of lies, secrecy, and general bullshit.

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I don't think I felt relief but I did feel productive. I was sad and confused when I first saw my attorney.

I KNOW I will feel relief once I actually get divorced. I just wanted to gently warn you that what I thought would be a quick divorce with little roller coaster dips ended up being big roller coaster dips because stbx is a crazy idiot

Congratulations on filing! That is a HUGE step towards your new beginning!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I felt empowered for the first time when I filed. I finally had some kind of control of the crazy situation. Peace started to come after the D was final

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Yes, sort of. I felt more in control of my life than I ever had before. The nasty divorce took 2.5yrs and cost a ton of money that took me another 5yrs to pay off. XWH#1 is still trying to make my life hell through my DS19. Now I am also dealing with WH#2. I don't know what I have done to deserve not one but two WH's.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Yep, first time I felt at peace in years. No more stressing and wondering. I had made the decision and was done. Sure there are still things to be done but making a decision and finally taking the steps helped greatly. I was officially closing the door on that chapter in my life and it was time to move forward towards better things for myself and my children.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:54 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I don't know if actually filing for D gave me relief, but actually deciding to D was the relief part for me.

What's not my problem anymore?

His bad hygiene.
His complete disrespect of people, animals, and even things.
His emotional abuse.
His intimidation.
His FOO issues that he never even realized he had. (And still doesn't realize he has).
His dirty laundry.
His inability to figure out the dishwasher, washer, or dryer.
His inability to fix anything, even if it just takes a screwdriver.
His horrible attitude about everything, but especially his complaining about adult responsibilities.
His cheating (duh).
His constant watching of ESPN and yelling at the Yankees when they lose (like they can actually hear him, dumbass).
His disrespect of women.
His inability to just have a few drinks at a party, always turning into that person you can't reason with anymore.
His inability to handle finances or fill out paperwork.
His obsession with collectibles, always having to have EVERY LAST PIECE of a set. Even the kids toys, every Thomas train, every superhero, every McFarland figure, etc....
His expectation of me to be the perfect wife and mother and a career woman at the same time.
His expectation of me to always be the one to say "sorry" for something after an argument and bring us back to some sort of communication.
His expectation of me to handle school/homework/extracurriculars/doctor/dentist/parent-teacher conferences, etc....
His short-man syndrome.
His constant excuses for why he didn't do things.
His constant promises that he was just about to do <ABC> if I just hadn't <XYZ>.
His complete lack of appreciation for my family.
His complete lack of appreciation of ME.

I could go on and on, but YES, I definitely felt relief when I finally decided it was time to divorce. It was an emotional relief. I was DONE trying to "fix" him and "help" him through his issues.

Is there complete "relief" now? Not really. This divorce has been going on since November, I've already spent over $12,000 in legal fees, and we aren't anywhere near being finalized with trial to be scheduled soon. I will feel more relief when things are settled and the rules are set in stone, but I'm still feeling emotional relief that he fired me from many, MANY jobs that are NOT MY PROBLEM anymore..

It's hard to let go of someone you love and care about so much. There is definite relief when you finally decide that it's time to let go, and you are confident in that decision. I always wanted to help him feel better about himself, help him enjoy his life, help him appreciate the things he has in his life and stop being mad about the things he doesn't have. (Wasn't it my job to do that as his wife?). But there is definite RELIEF that I don't carry the burden of dealing with those things anymore. Considering we have children together, there will be issues for quite a while having to deal with him, but there are so many things that are not my problem anymore. I don't give a rat's ass how he is "feeling" anymore. Forcing our relationship to be about kids and finances only is a definite relief.

Hugs to you girl. I hope your divorce goes smoothly and you continue feeling at peace with your decision.

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2398 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)


Wow, you just described my stbx! Except he is handy at fixing things. Just not for me.

I just felt sad, but I think that was partly due to the severe depression that I am just now starting to slowly climb out of.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

yes. i filed exactly a year after Dday. there was still a lot of roller coaster emotions and even more false R. I distinctly remember that being the first time I felt a little bit in control of my future again.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It's the first time something felt "right". I felt I had some control again. it was the start of me detaching from stbxwh. I was still in BS fog at that stage and thought we'd still R but I knew I needed divorce. I convinced myself it was to restart and end the sham of a marriage so we can rebuild from a proper foundation. Turns out it felt right because in my gut I knew it was over and I should move on I just wasn't ready to accept it fully but at least I set the ball rolling. I'll be divorced by mid October and relief is certainly a big emotion I'm feeling currently! Best decision I made since dday, it is the point where I finally started opening up my eyes and accepting my reality.

Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

My relief came when the D was final. At that point, it felt like I was finally in control of my life.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I felt sad, but relief at the same time. I think for me it was empowering to gain some control over the situation. He had held all the cards up until then.

BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 934 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19