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User Topic: Need your input on roommate situation
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 26th (Monday)

What would you do? Or maybe I just need to vent...

I am in the lucky position to rent a large house with a nice ocean view on a quiet street at a very, very reasonable rent. My landlady knows I take good care of the house and pay for small repairs myself, so in 5 years she never raised my rent. I am financially in a position to afford the house on my own. It is a bit big for my 2 girls and me, but certainly very comfortable when we have visitors and guests over.

In 2012, when XH moved out I moved upstairs and took in a friend and her 2 daugthers (15 and 16) who live downstairs. She was losing her house to the bank and leaving her drug and alcohol addicted husband who also was a hoarder. She needed a roof over her head and her girls needed stability.

We sat down back then and talked money and the need for her to protect herself and her girls and file for separation/divorce from him right away as he was incurring debt, driving their marital car unregistered and uninsured etc. I told her I can do this roommate situation for a year until she is back on her feet financially but probably not much longer unless things work really well between us and our girls.

In the beginning, things worked well. Everybody pulled their weight in the house and it was okay.

So, here I am about a year later and now have reached the end of my rope:

- Their two rooms (a large den and bedroom) and at times their bathroom are a complete pigsty. The carpet is ruined from who knows what, it smells, she constantly has dirty dishes with mold growing on the leftovers sitting in her room, clothes and stuff laying everywhere. Her daughter lives pretty much in complete darkness in her room, never opens a window or airs it out. I am always making sure to close the door to their room when I have visitors as their room is the first think a guest would look into when they enter the house. I am truly embarassed. I know they nickname me the vacuum Nazi which I find offensive - we do have cats in the house, they shed, so I take about 10 minutes everyday to vacuum the upstairs and get rid of pet hair. I guess that is too clean...

-Several months after she moved in, she would do nothing but stay in bed all day long in PJs being on her computer. Helping around the house became sporadic. I confronted her, she was depressed (understandable) and on ADs. I don't think the doctor advised her to drink 4 - 5 bottles of beer a day though.

- While I was traveling in Europe in June with my girls she signed up on match.com. Since then, basically for two months straight, she has been out on dates every night except for maybe 3 or 4 days, has stayed out with some of these guys all night without letting anybody, including her panicked kids, know, has left her teenagers home alone knowing that I would be here at night, has not supervised them and left it to me to make sure to have groceries and clean their dirty dishes they left all over my kitchen; she has brought men over to the house and told me, while giggling, that she made out with some of them on my couch upstairs....seriously, at 45 you think that is funny?

- While my kids were gone this summer with their dad, I completely redid the upstairs and the deck. I paid for painting, carpet cleaning etc and reorganized my private rooms as well as all joined areas, such as the kitchen. I exchanged all furniture in my private rooms as well as all the furniture in our joined areas. She never once lifted a finger to help me with anything, yet, she brought one of her boyfriends over to show him the new digs...When I gave her notice that the carpet cleaners were coming and that I would pay for the carpet to be cleaned, she was too busy going out and left the floor covered with stuff so that cleaning the carpets were not an option.

- She has only now, after almost a year filed for divorce/separation while whining to me about her XH continuing to take money and overdrafting their accounts. Various places where her stbxh has occured debt are now suing her. All that could have been prevented if she had tried to get her life in order.

-Her stbxh got arrested for drunkenness in public and posession and gave the cops my address as his permanent address. He comes around to drop off stuff or hang out. I asked her many times not to have him come close to the house because being an addict and desperate he is unpredictable.

I am tired of enabling her and that's how I have been feeling now for months. She has a good deal, lots of space, always a full fridge and low rent. She does not cook, so for the past year, when I cooked when my girls are with me, I cooked for her and her girls as well. Leftovers were always theirs because she cannot afford to go and have lunch at work. I fed them for the most part, having paid for all meat/fish and and other more expensive groceries that were consumed. I never asked for money and did it because I knew she could not afford it.

However, having been treated like chopped liver for the last months and having her live this lifestyle of dating multiple men, worrying by whom she gets laid first and not pulling her weight have brought me to the brink of kicking her out. I feel sorry for the girls, because they have an absent drug addicted father who lives in his car and a mother who can't seem to get it together at age 45.

I am craving my place back and the peace of being alone in my house. A few weeks ago I had a long conversation with her that this behavior was not acceptable. She made 'nice' one evening and then continued. So now that she realized that I am withdrawing, not cooking anymore, labeling my groceries so they are not constantly being used up without being replaced, she is making nice again. Why do people take kindness for weakness? All of sudden I am the bad guy in the house for not wanting to put up with this any longer.

I will never have roommates again if I can avoid it, that is for sure.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 10:08 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 26th (Monday)

My input?

You are waaaay too nice.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Feb 2006
259
Member
Member # 22860
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 26th (Monday)

no nice way to say this.....

you have to give her notice. this is not being a good example to your daughters - I mean you wouldn't want them letting themselves be used like this by their friends.

and she sounds like the type of person that's going to blame you for her choices. she will get nasty with what she says about you. you just have to bite the bullet and stand firm. a year was agreed on and that's up now.

yourself and your children are your responsibility - not her and hers.

you have been a good friend and she has not.

sorry to sound harsh but she is not your responsibility. she has not respected you or your home.

you deserve better.

((((fraeuken))))


Me = FBS
Him = gone


things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

sorry to sound harsh but she is not your responsibility. she has not respected you or your home.

^^^ THIS, in spades. Although you didn't say so, I have a feeling she's not chipping in for the rent also.

It's time to kick her to the curb. This kind of disrespect is not acceptable from either a spouse OR a friend. Get rid of her. If she's treating you like this, she's NOT your friend. She's a user/loser and you don't need that in your life.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I agree - time for her to go. You rescued her, she didn't have to rescue herself. Maybe she'll straighten herself out when she doesn't have you to save her. Either way, not your problem. She is ruining your sanctuary, your home. Give her a month to get out, and stand firm.

[This message edited by kernel at 5:53 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5190 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Time for Princess to go!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I know they nickname me the vacuum Nazi

This alone is reason enough to kick them out.

Give her 30 days notice. Remind her that when she moved in you said you could do it for a year but not more and now she needs to go.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Uh, yeah. She is taking advantage of your good nature. She needs to take control of her own life.

Just the fact that she's bringing strange men into your house is enough reason for her to be on the streets.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

If I had had someone like you take my daughter and I in and help us out the way you did, you would rarely have to clean at all! I would have taken up the slack and proudly worn the "Vacumn Nazi" badge for you and made sure that you were okay with helping me out! I would have cooked and cleaned and done my part because you show gratitude when someone shows you mercy in a hard time in your life....not take advantage of them! I can't stand people like this. My sister gets taken advantage of a lot and it drives me nuts. I struggle month to month living alone with my daughter....but its stories like this that make me happy that I don't have any dead weight "literally" lying around my house ...

...making it difficult for me to vacumn every day! (which I do too btw....you aren't so strange....)


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Glad to see there are other vacuum afficionados out there

As for rent, she has been paying that, not always on the first and I had to ask her for the check but I did get it. She shares utilities with me and even though her kids are there 100% of the time and they use water and electricity for 3 while my kids are only there 50% of the time, I always made it an even split. In June, when she took care of the bunnies and cat for the 3 weeks I was gone I paid utilities fully.

I really would have hoped that she would have saved some money, maybe gotten a second job for the time being and worked on re-establishing her credit score. Nothing. She was happy to have some money after changing jobs and went shopping a lot. I have my main job, teach languages in the evening when I don't have the kids and took on a contract job I can do from home. You do what you have to do.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

First question I have is does your landlady know they are there?

As to what to do - you sat down with her and said you'd do this for a year. The year is up. Give her 30 or 60 days to find a place and out she/they/Match dates go.

This is YOUR place for which you are legally responsible for. Her practically free ride needs to be over.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Glad to see there are other vacuum afficionados out there

Yep! I have a 13 month old baby....who eats in her highchair over my livingroom carpet on a nightly basis.... so yes.... If I didn't vacumn....my carpet would look like a food battleground....

This is YOUR place for which you are legally responsible for. Her practically free ride needs to be over.

THIS! Definitely. Game over chick!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:33 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Yes, my landlady knows she is here and approved of the one year sublease.

Looking at the way things are downstairs, I will have to paint and replace the carpet and fix the faucet on the wet bar. Things that I know friends will help me with to keep cost low.

I am sad about stuff like this, because it was, what I thought a good friendship of many years.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Yes, my landlady knows she is here and approved of the one year sublease.

And there, if you need it, is your out.

Your landlady approved a one year sublease only. Ta, ta!

She best get busy checking out places to live rather than guys to date.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You do what you have to do.

^^^This

She doesn't have to do much because you are doing a lot for her already. The more you do, the less she does.

Time to kick her out. She needs to make it on her own with your assistance.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It's quite simple. Time for her to go. Why put up with frustration caused by an entitled user?


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm sure this is hard because you've had to do the boundary-enforcing with STBX all year. It's got to be wearying to have to do it again in another situation. ((fraeken))

But you do need to do it.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8816 | Registered: Jan 2008
Bloomsday
Member
Member # 40275
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

The housemates must go. In addition to all the reason already cited, you have a terrific situation for yourself with your landlady that you cannot afford to let someone else screw up. It is too great a risk that this will not work out going forward. You would be the one to suffer if they ruin your rental arrangement. Their portion of the current rent vastly underpays your potential future costs if you lose this house.

Maybe you can summon Beetlejuice to scare them out of the house.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You may want to find out how to LEGALLY evict someone from your home. This way you have the law to stand on and can have the sheriff remove her at the end of the 30 days if she refuses to go.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6458 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Time to give her notice that her tenancy is ending. You do not have to defend your decision, but you can remind her that it was for one year, and your landlady only agreed to that. Do not fall prey to her asking to talk to your landlady. Say "I'm sorry, but even if landlady approved an extension, I do not want to extend your tenancy."

Give her 30 days notice plus the remainder of the month, so she knows she needs to be out by Sept. 30.

Give it in writing, but tell her first, then hand her the letter. Don't set up another "we have to talk" discussion, just do it.

There is no kind way to end a kindness for someone who is abusing that kindness. Just be professional and businesslike and get it done.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1203 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You are being way too nice.

The minute she started staying out all night with dates and leaving me to supervise her children without asking, I would have told her she had to find a new place to live.

I would give her notice. Since she is a friend, it is a very awkward situation- but it has been a year, and that is what she agreed to. Hopefully she has found some other options or living opportunities.

If she continues to live in the home and keep it in the disgusting state she is currently, it is negatively going to affect YOU, your rent, and your kids.

Having her ex around is not safe for your children and not good for you.

I can understand the depression, I really can, but is no excuse to act the way she has been and treat you the way she has been. She is a parent, and needs to make the girls her first priority. I think you have been more than patient.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Part of the chores at my house are running a vacuum everyday. Child labor laws be damned! By 5 years old, they can run one of the small plug in ones!

I think you are in the "waaaay too nice" camp. The bottom line, she made these choices. Hell, we've all been there. My world collapsed, but I didn't break down. She chose, depression or not, to act this way. Now she is drowning in "I need a new man to fix me", therefore bringing around people that think her situation is OK. Plus a drug addicted ex? No way in hell I'd continue to expose my kids.

Part of my NB was learning to put myself, and my kids first. I don't care who I hurt, or who I have to say "No!" to; myself and my kids first. No one else is going to, it is up to me.

If you lose the friendship, then it wasn't that strong. Time for her to go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Bebba1171
Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Toss them out! I would vacuum every day for an ocean view!


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Thanks all, I feel resolved to send her on her way.

The other day she told me: 'I am an adult woman and it is nobody's business when I stay out at night.' and I thought to myself 'well, you might be an adult but not a grown-up and it is my business when I end up being the only adult in the house for your children.' God forbid something would have happened and I would have been responsible for them.

Here is one last story I need to share and vent about so you understand why I am so livid:

One evening she came home, all rushed and told me she quickly needed to feed the kids before heading out on a date at 08.30 p.m. with a new man from match.com. I ended up making food for everybody (stupid, stupid me) and she fixed herself up and headed out. Both her girls were at the house. At 1.30 a.m. I hear sounds downstairs, but there is no sign of her car or her. I knock and her 15 year is sitting in bed, crying and having a panic attack over her mother not being home in the middle of the week in the middle of the night. We tried to call her and text her - no response. Finally, after not being able to go back to sleep much she texts her daughter back at around 5.30 a.m. that after he date with the new guy she went to spend the night with another guy from match.com who lives one village over. However, since she does not have cellphone reception there she could not check in or receive her calls and messages. She did not return until about 6.30 am, just to take a shower and head out to work. That night, when she came home I read her the riot act and told her how unacceptable the behavior was and that next time I would call the cops on her. She stayed home one night, just to repeat the same thing for the next 2 weeks.

She is trying to give me the guilt trip right now, so is her oldest daughter who did not even greet me today and at the same time she is trying to play the 'poor me, but I will change' card.

Well, we have been down that road already multiple times, no more.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 9:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You're on the right track fraeuken - time to give her notice.

I am far from perfect, but the example she is setting for her children, is horrible. I feel bad for the kids, but your family has to be your priority. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4562 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Yes, she is using you. You see that, right?

She can do those things because she knows you will be there as the parent figure for her children. By allowing her to stay in the house, you are enabling her behavior. She is causing her own problems, not you.

That is how I felt as a BS, and now as a single Mom...my ex always simply did as he pleased because I was the responsible parent. He never had to worry. Still doesn't. I am still the responsible parent.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 26