SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: In so much Pain
hurtinginLA
New Member
Member # 40428
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I found out 2 days ago that my fiance, lover, friend, confidante, person i had planned on spending the rest of my life with, and had spent 12 years building a life with, had an affair with a girl 10 years younger than myself. I feel so empty and dejected inside. i don't even feel like living anymore. i just want to take pills to sleep my way through this. God it hurts so much. please someone tell me when this will end. this feeling of utter and complete despair, and longing and feeling of not being safe. GOD. I never thought i would hate him, but i feel like i do.


I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon.
― Anas Nin

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Los Angeles
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are here, but please know that you are not alone. I know how badly this hurts, and I can't tell you when it gets better as I am new to this situation as well. But I can say that as badly as I am hurting, I still manage to have some good days that help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please hang in there and post as much as you need to. People here are wonderful and can offer you so much wonderful support and advice.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I know how you feel. The pain really is unbearable. Your only job for now is to survive. Try and find healthy ways to let your emotions out. It will get better. It's hard to say exactly when I started feeling better, but I know now that I will be a much happier, healthier human being. I've been attending a support group, going to therapy, and talking with family and friends. All of it has helped me at critical times. I have a bunch of people to call when I hit an emotional low. Exercise and meditation have also helped. Stay strong. Find ways to take care of yourself.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry that you're here, but in your good company. We are all here for you and will help you every step of the way. I'm only about 6 months out from discovering my STBX's A, but I've come along way.

If you're feeling like you can't function, please see your doctor. I got on some anti-anxiety meds and they helped me immensely. I could actually sleep and eat with them.

The next stage of this mess is the anger. You're still in the very raw, shocked stage. Soon the anger takes over and it's not a bad thing. The anger is what will allow you to get your affairs in order. I would recommend seeing an attorney for a consultation. This doesn't mean that you have to file for divorce right now, but at least you will understand what your rights are.

Please read the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. There is wonderful information in there. Start practicing the 180 and NC (no contact). It will help you in the healing process.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I can't tell you when this will end, but I can promise you that it won't always feel like this.

You're not alone. There is a big rollercoaster of emotion coming your way, but with time and taking care of yourself it gets better. It's so so hard in the beginning, though.

We're here for you. Keep posting and lean on us.

(((hurtinginLA)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:56 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17046 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I really feel for you. I have been there, and so have many of us. Keep going through the motions of your life best you can. You will feel normal again.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
Traveler1985
New Member
Member # 40409
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry this happened to you, it's not right, I feel for you. I was in a similar position 4 months ago, and it is gut wrenching. But you will make it through this. You will be ok. Let yourself cry when you need to cry, let yourself feel what you need to feel. Just know there are others of us here who know exactly how you are feeling and will be glad to support you.

When I was in that position, it was helpful to take a step back, and just really look at what was happening, maybe it was me detaching from the situation, but it made it a bit easier to not get utterly consumed by the situation.

sending you hugs, and wishing you peace in your heart.

You will be ok. You will be you again.


BS ( Me)- 28
WH -26

D-Day May 1 2013
D-Day#2 Aug. 7th 2013
in R and working at it


Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NAmer/SAmer
hurtinginLA
New Member
Member # 40428
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. It's been so painful i can't even breathe for the pain of it. The idea that he loved me, says he still loves me, but did this doesn't make any sense to me. I know i'm in such a typical denial/shock frame of mind.

When i first found out about it, she was a 'stalker', then she was a 'friend he had cross ed the line with, with an emotional affair. Then we went to CT and he asked for another chance, cried, sobbed begged and said he would spend the netx 3 months trying to make it up to me. He swore up and down there was no sex.

THEN i found out there was sex. & it's like a switch flipped in him. Now he's the VICTIM because i'm calling him an asshole. He's become cold, callous and speaks to me angrily. LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG. We're in the middle of a move, just signed a 1 year lease (?!?!) and i have to pack and function like my life isn't over. It's virtually impossible!

Now i don't want to live with him, but extricating myself is taking more time than i want, and more brain function that i have right now.

God help me when i hit the rage stage.

I can't thank everyone enough for their 'virtual' support. If anyone knows of a support group in LA that meets up, please let me know!


I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon.
― Anas Nin

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Los Angeles
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

sorry you are here but like everyone else has said ,it will get easier , for me its been 4 months since d day with no remorse or reconcile at all, that is a special kind of pain.I know the feelings you are experiencing very well ,I also could not function or work or eat or sleep ,I could barely breathe , my wifes betrayal sent me to a place emotionally that I never thought I would get out of EVER. So I read books to try to understand and I journaled to release my feelings , I went to group therapy also and single therapy ,I hit the gym ,yoga,boxing,and whatever else got me to release the pain.I know right now it is almost impossible to tell you what to do or how to act as it was for me ,I had to discover this on my own . You will wake up one day soon and realize you did nothing to cause this infidelity and you deserve better . Eventhough you love him as I still do my stbxw , you need to draw the line somewhere, for me I didn't get that chance but for you it sounds like you do ,stay strong .As someone else said you will move onto the anger stage soon and you need that stage to feel better ,use it wisely.For me I don't think I will ever get out of it in regards to her and I am happy about that because it protects me. buy the book "not just friends" by Shirley glass , it helped me to understand the psycology part of my stbxw actions ,which in turn helped me process. just some friendly advice from a person who understands and feels your pain! stay strong and do not ever think his affair is in any way your fault!!! All the best.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 9