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New Beginnings
User Topic: My own personal twilight zone......
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Suspicious  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

So.... sperm donor contacted my sister recently to inform her that he has started training at the local county fire department training center so that he can become a paid fireman.

My XWH is a paid fireman lieutenant in my city.

Sperm donor then told my sister that he "might" be in a position to pay more child support (as he only pays $65 a month now due to being unemployed) - he isn't getting paid for his training so I can't do anything as of right now until he officially starts working for the fire department.

WTH is all I am thinking. I'm pretty sure that this is OW's doing who sperm donor has bragged be-friended him after I broke up with him and I'm sure my XWH "put in a good word" for him so he could get into the academy. Sperm donor got fired from the county sheriffs department for selling cigarettes to immates...so I'm a bit shocked he was accepted.... but MAYBE a background check hasn't been done as of yet.....I dunno.

He also told my sister that he would like to see Piper. He hasn't "WANTED" to see her since she was 4 months old...and she will be 13 months old on September 3rd. His excuse is that his mother is dying of pancreatic cancer....(which I have verified with his ex-wife to be true) so I feel somewhat guilty. (even though I really don't think he deserves my sympathy...nor her after how she treated Piper the last time she saw her...) He says he wants to man up and do the right thing. blah blah blah. (heard all of this BS before)

I have no idea what to do. My sister keeps saying that I don't want it on my conscience that I didn't let a dying grandmother see her grandchild before she died...so I am emotionally torn. My momma bear instinct wants to protect my child...

I'm just annoyed. Its ironic that these guys are labeled as heroes... when they are the last people on Earth I would want to come to my rescue....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:28 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Fuck those people. Gramma is drowning in her own bile and now she's dying?

Good! She's getting what she deserves. Nasty woman.

Sperm donor is probably just sucking up because he wants you to put in a good word with your x.

These folks are toxic. They chose to push you away when you needed help the most. What does that say about who they are?

I'd stay well away and tell your sister you don't need to hear about them anymore.

Unless you think the money you might get from someone that unstable would be worth having to deal with him for the next 18 years, in which case it's your decision to make.

ETA Can you tell I'm feeling a little stabby today?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:36 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16635 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I told my sister I didn't want to deal with him and that I would NOT. I told her that she needs to stop dealing with him as well. I don't believe for one second that his mom wants to see Piper. IF she did....and she truly is dying...then she would contact me directly.....not go through her pathological liar of a son!

I'm hoping that he will just GO AWAY. He won't contact me because he knows how I feel about him. If he wanted to do the "right thing" and "man up" then he wouldn't have waited over a year to want to see his child. I hope he falls off the face of the Earth.


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

IF she did....and she truly is dying...then she would contact me directly.
This and that goes for your ex as well. If he truly wanted to MAN up as he put it then he would just do it. REAL MEN don't need to MAN UP because they are already MEN and do what they are supposed to do without someone telling them or for any reason other than it's the right thing to do. Your EX is a boy play acting at being a man.

If he was serious and had changed, he wouldn't need to tell people or put on a show for others. He would just get a job then send you the money on his own or even go put in the paperwork to amend the CS himself.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Yaknow....sometimes it's OK to shut the door on people and leave them out of your life.

Realistically Piper has no clue who Sperm Donor is so why even bother.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

If he was serious and had changed, he wouldn't need to tell people or put on a show for others. He would just get a job then send you the money on his own or even go put in the paperwork to amend the CS himself.

I completely agree!


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It's just talk.

ACTION would have been to approach you directly.

Like a real man would have.

AJ's mOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21011 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I agree...I just got off the phone with my sister and told her to let me handle this situation and not be in contact with him. I'm protecting my child from being hurt by this toxic individual.... I do NOT want her anywhere near him or his family. Period.

Would I feel sorry for Hitler if he had cancer.... no.

This woman knows how to contact me (has my email address)....she knows where I live.... so if she was truly having a "moment" and wanted to make amends with me and Piper ...SHE would do so. She has not. Period. End of story.

Thank you. Try again asshole.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

QUESTION: POLL IF YOU WILL:

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm very frustrated that my coward sperm donor is trying to go through my sister to see my daughter or ask about her. I feel as if he needs to man up and contact me since *I* am her mother.....*I* am her ONLY true parent. BUT.... I'm torn.

Do I email him and tell him that if he has an inquiry about MY daughter that he needs to contact me and leave my sister out of the equation?

OR

Do I just keep up NC and hope that he eventually goes away?

He brought up his dying mother (who has pancreatic cancer) but to be honest...I think he is using her as a ploy to try to get his foot back into the door. I don't think that his mother wants to see Piper anymore now on her death bed than she did when she was a perfectly healthy psycho heartless bitch. (sorry if I sound harsh).

I don't know what to do. I just want him to go away. But, I don't know what the best course of action is. Where is a nice black hole I could toss him into when I need one?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:08 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

NC.

He knows what the right thing to do is. Don't enable him in his thinking that just saying something is good enough to open the door to your's or your daughter's life.


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.
NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.
NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.
NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.
NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.
NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC. NC.

You cannot control who your sister talks to or associates with. You cannot control who spermdonor talks to or associates with.

You CAN tell your sister you won't discuss him with her. Period. Stop her the next time she starts. Hang up on her if she won't stop. Or walk away in person because hanging up in person doesn't really work (how good would it be if it did??? ).

Your sister has very similar FOO issues to you. I hope you see the unhealthy parts of what is happening here. Talking to him. Being his canary etc.

Why on earth is she advocating for him? I'm sure she knows what has been going on - how dare she tell you about what you will and won't regret. What they do is not your problem. Frankly you're too busy just surviving ATM. Tell her to pull her bloody head in - if she wants to help someone tell her to get off her arse and give you a hand.

My answer to the poll in case you missed it, is NC. There is nothing to achieve there. He knows where you are. This is all just talk to make him out to be the good guy.

Fuck.That.Guy. And give your sister a chinese burn for me will ya. I'm mad for you.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4570 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

NC, crickets...if he wanted a relationship with his daughter he would figure out a way to do it.

He's alredy in the black hole...he is just an illusion if you will, an afterimage created by the last bits of light that haven't been sucked completely into the black hole yet. Ignore and he will go away.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

This is what pretending to try looks like. He probably has another girl on the line that he is trying to impress with what a good man he is. If he made an actual effort and you shot him down, no one would know and what good would that do? Or worse, if you were receptive, horror of all horrors, he would actually have to follow through. Now he can be the victim because there is a record of him reaching out and big bad Shelly shooting it down. If he didn’t involve your sister no one would know he was “trying” and subsequently what a cold b*&#@ you are. Poor little man child.

The bad news; you have to let his little melodrama play out. If he wants to play the victim there isn’t a damn thing you can do to stop him. The good news; reality is on your side. People will wise up to his smoke and mirrors charade eventually. Best to just smile and nod and let him bury himself.


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Best to just smile and nod and let him bury himself.

Bury himself alright....in beer bottles anyways....he's a binge drinker and I will guarantee you that he has gone from the twice a month when he was with me to almost a nightly venture now. I pity any woman that he snags in his web of lies....


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I would make it very clear to your sister that she is not to engage with him further. If she does and tries to pass info/opinions to you, cut her off.

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Shelley,

Actions speak louder than words. And his actions are nonexistent.

When he shows some action, then you can think how you want to handle things. Till then -no contact.

Hugs ,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

This is what pretending to try looks like

NC

Hes got the taking part down. That way he can save face without actually having to do anything.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Dec 2008
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I agree about NC.

I'm going to continue NC NC NC.... and continue to raise my daughter with my family and be happy. We don't need him nor want him in her life. My daughter is happy and healthy and much better off without him in her life.... PERIOD.

Good Riddance.


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

UGH UGH UGH!!!!!

I wrote out an email that I AM NOT GOING TO SEND but I need to vent because I'm sitting here at work all upset and crying because sperm donor keeps trying to contact my sister but I've told my sister to just ignore him (which she has so far)

Sperm Donor,


My sister has talked with me and she has told me that she does not want to be caught in the middle of communication that you should be having with me to begin with. You have not asked about Piper in 9 months. You have not cared enough to even acknowledge her birthday and covered up her name you had tattooed on your arm. You and your family have made it very clear that you want nothing to do with her by your actions.


I am aware that you are training in the county fire department. Good for you. I'm glad that you and my XWH and MOW are all best buddies now. But, the beauty of it is, I don't have to deal with any of you. I told you that you can not just come in and out of MY daughter's life whenever you feel like acting like a father. And, I meant it. If you want to ask about her, you need to contact me. Not Marion. Not my sister. And, I will make sure they are both aware of that from now on since I talk to both of them almost every day.


I am very sorry that your mother is so sick right now. The best thing I can do for her is to leave her alone because I know that is what she wants. She doesn't like me or Piper and I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is. I definitely don't want to cause her any distress right now.

UGH.... I hate him. I really do. I wish he would just go crawl back under the rock he came from so that I could stomp on it!


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Okay....so I might need some help to keep me from walking off the breaking NC ledge. I'm just so angry at him right now and I want to yell at him. How do you let go of those feelings of resentment and hatred towards someone and keep up NC when you get so worked up?? I'm so tired of these people poking me like some caged animal in a zoo!!!

I've done so good so far...haven't spoken to him in almost 3 months (which is a record for sure) but I won't lie....right now its reallllllllly hard not to email him and blast him!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:09 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

How do you let go of those feelings of resentment and hatred towards someone and keep up NC when you get so worked up??

It's when you are getting worked up that NC is most important. There is no magic combination of words that will make him realize he is a douche and should stop. No words will fix him. He wants attention, any attention will do. You getting worked up gives him exactly what he wants, no matter what you say.

Tell your sister to quit updating you on him calling her. If she doesn't want to be in the middle she is doing a crap job of it. He can go through the courts if he doesn't like talking to you.

[This message edited by Crescita at 10:37 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Tell your sister to quit updating you on him calling her. If she doesn't want to be in the middle she is doing a crap job of it. He can go through the courts if he doesn't like talking to you.

I talked with my sister for a while this morning.....took a break from my desk and went outside. I told her that I have gone almost 3 months without talking to him and I want to continue to do so. I told her to ignore him and do not email him ...do not call him...do not respond to him and block him from everything.

I completely agree. He wants attention and he is NOT going to get it from me. It was hard.... but I have not emailed him and have no intentions to do so.


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

How do you let go of those feelings of resentment and hatred towards someone and keep up NC when you get so worked up??

Sheer willpower at first - you fake it till you make it and one day you realise you're not faking it.

The root of most anger is a deep hurt. Realising that helped me see that in unleashing hell on him I was showing him my underbelly. That fucker won't be seeing my underbelly every again in my life.

You also need to make sure to stop people when they give you ANY info about him. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say.

It is not easy but NC = No New Hurts. Remind yourself of this when you are worked up.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4570 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 23