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Just Found Out
User Topic: how could he do it again?
Nicnac
Member
Member # 40131
Sad  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I don't know what to do. I just found out my WH has been talking to his AP again and they met up on sunday for a little fun in the parking lot (how trashy).

I told him when his affair was first discovered that it was his last chance. He wanted to work it out and I thought I had made it clear that if there was even so much as a hidden text message I was divorcing him. I told him that those kinds of actions would be taken as his way of telling me that he wants a divorce.

So, now that I've got 4 days of emails and proof that they met and something happened on sunday night, I'm having a hard time enforcing that threat.

Here's why, and bear with me because I know I'm stupid for saying all of this. I know everything he did was wrong and it is going to take a very long time to recover, but it is extremely clear from his emails that it was purely sex for him, no emotions involved. He did end it for a while, and then wanted one last time. And after he had it, he officially ended it without having been caught. In his emails with the AP, she asks if he'll ever do it again and he says "I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".

I know it is stupid of me to think that these things mean we could work it out. Especially when I already threatened to leave. How do I approach this?

My thought was to ask him to leave for an undetermined amount of time. A separation. But to go to marriage counseling. First dday was just over a month ago, we haven't been able to get in with the MC yet.

Am I giving in too much? Am I completely stupid for not just tossing all of his belongings on the lawn, shutting off his phone and changing the locks?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Well, don't make it a threat, make it a promise. Even if it is just sex:
1. Why isn't he having it with you?
2. Perhaps he's addicted to sex and needs treatment.
3. You made a line in the sand and he crossed it.

Live up to your threats/promises and he'll understand that this is for real. If you don't, he'll continue to see her and have fun with her. It's simple, change the locks, pack a bag for him, leave it outside the front door and tell him that he can arrange to pick up personal belongings through your attorney - leave the attorney's card on/in the note. If it comes to that, make sure someone else is present when he picks up his stuff and that you ARE NOT home. Communicate with him only through the attorney. If he is serious about MC, than arrange an appointment and have the attorney tell him that this is the date/time/place and that he needs to show up or legal actions will proceed. It's that simple. If he doesn't care, it won't matter and you can proceed with divorce. If it does show up, he is putting his money where is mouth is and is showing he wants to move forward.

You haven't seen an MC yet, and that is a problem. He may not fully realize how painful this is for you. Make it painful for him - not maliciously, but do what you need to do. Have your attorney serve him at his place of work.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Am I giving in too much? Am I completely stupid for not just tossing all of his belongings on the lawn, shutting off his phone and changing the locks?
________________________
Gently here... YES....
You teach people how to treat you... and you deserve so much more than this
((nicnac))

[This message edited by Dawnie at 10:45 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 801 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Who cares if its just sex, its clear he's only thinking of himself. He put you through this again for himself.

Who needs a one time last closure sex? Seriously?

He does not think you will enforce your boundary. Ergo, he will continue until you do.

Put his shit in a hefty bag on the front porch. Tell him when he's ready to really work on his marriage, and goes to ic/mc, go no contact completely, maybe you'll think about continuing the marriage.

If you give in, he will use that to his advantage to continue wayward behavior. Sunday will not be the last time.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You know, when I saw the GYN today for my STD testing he said,

"You have to deal with this on your own terms. In the end, you have to feel like you did everything you wanted to do to save your marriage."

Not one of us here can tell you what your comfort level is or what you "should" do. We can tell you what WE would do, but ultimately, you have to do what feels right to you.

If you want to work on it, work on it!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

"I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".

He didn't officially end anything. He left his OW in limbo here. He'll go back for more. He has no reason not too.

I told him when his affair was first discovered that it was his last chance.

If you don't enforce this, then you are setting yourself up for even more heartbreak.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Oh, Sweetie, we all know how hard this is. Of course you're encouraged that he wants to be a better person, but wanting and doing are two different things. His words say he wants to be a good husband--his actions say he wants to have sex with other women. Believe his actions.

Many a WH has explained he had the As "because he could". If you look the other way now, you are confirming that he can. Stand up for yourself and say that no, this is not okay. You deserve better. I would ask him to leave the home at least until he begins IC and the two of you begin MC, but this is still early days for you and you're no doubt reeling from the shock. Be kind to yourself, but remember the self-esteem you give away now will probably be what you miss most later.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Nicnac....

If this was me his stuff would already be packed and on the porch. I deal in reality and his actions spoke reality to me.

You obviously love your husband but allowing someone to have such control over you is not healthy. I personally wouldn't be able to trust one thing this guy does.

I agree that every situation is different and that we all have our own paths to navigate but you need to feel like you are being heard and understood. In this case he has done neither and for me that wins him a ticket to the time out chair of life!

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:00 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Nicnac
Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

He actually is in IC. We start MC next tuesday. We couldn't work it out earlier because of the counselor's and then our family vacations.

He keeps saying he wants to make it work, but I obviously don't believe him. He keeps lying to me.

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Before I even begin, what kind of pig is happy to lower herself to meeting some married guy in a freakin' parking lot to grope each other in the car? My God, that is truly pitiful.

In either event Nicnac, Looking for a cheap thrill in the parking lot is not a "sex addiction." What your husband was looking for was a cheap thrill - no more and no less. His goal was to scratch an itch he selfishly wanted scratched.

And that's what he did. Even though you told him you'd leave him the next time he betrayed you and your marriage.

Nicnac, his lame attempt at being 'noble' - by telling his parking lot piece that he "has to be a better husband and father, blah blah blah..." - was nothing more than his way of letting her know he didn't want to start up the affair at full throttle again. I think he saw a one-time parking lot grope as a lot easier to get away with than a full blown affair that takes considerably more time and effort to maintain. I think his empty statement about wanting to be a better man was nothing more than self-serving so she wasn't left with any expectations.

But Nicnac, DO take into consideration that he didn't feel that he had to be a "better husband" BEFORE he got off in the parking lot - he only claimed it AFTER he'd been satisfied. It's real easy to be 'noble' after you've selfishly gotten what you wanted.

That is - until he has another itch he wants scratched.

The man has ZERO remorse, ZERO guilt, and ZERO empathy for what he put you through with his affair.

ZERO.

And he proved it by sneaking out to a parking lot to meet his OW for some cheap sex in the car when he knows damned well one more infraction would cause you to leave.

If anything, you should be going to a divorce attorney, not letting his fake words about being a "better man" sway you into thinking he has any decency. He lost that a long time ago.

And the message you'll send if you allow yet another betrayal, will not be a good one. The message he'll get is that you aren't a woman of your word and no matter what lousy treatment he crams down your throat, you're not strong enough to leave him. In essence, your inability to carry out the consequences will simply be a nod of approval to him and he'll just continue doing what he's doing because he has your permission.

That's the message you'll be sending him if you put any stock in his empty claim to his OW that he's done with his nasty behavior. He's only done until the next time and the time after that and the time after that.

Sending you strength Nicnac. Don't let this man steamroll you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

had everything but sex

Riiiiiigghhhht. Uh huh. 'Cause he's sooooo trustworthy.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It doesn't hurt her in any way. He took a chance of loosing his family to "be a better husband and father." Really?

Either he knew you wouldn't go through with the D. Or, he doesn't care if you do. Sex is more important to him than you are.

I understand your denial and emphasize and sympathize. My H came out and told my son that I would never leave him, because I couldn't make it without him. It's tricky cause I don't want to get my son in the middle of this. But. . . He has been good. One slip up and he will see how fast I leave him. I've been pricing apartments for me and my youngest.

I think your husband thinks along the same way.

It is totally your choice, but for your mental fitness, please pack his stuff or yours and leave him. Scare him, let him know you mean business. Do it for you.

((((Nicnac)))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

"this isn't who I am, I need to be faithful to my wife."

I don't know how many times my WH told the OW that. Even more, I don't know if he ever really meant it.

Still wondering when I'll know if they are still involved or not. He says no.....my gut is very unsure

I can only take so much before I crumble. Hoping the counselor will help me find the superglue to mend the cracks and make me whole again. I need to work on me right now, then I can decide if it's worth trying to stay together or not. I hoping I'll discover it is worth it.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 11:32 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.

You realize this is complete and utter Bullshit right? Seriously? " I hate you and im pissed, but lets get our freak on!"

Yeah...no.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

He is saying that he met up with her and had everything but sex because he wanted to get back at her for telling me. That he was mad at her. I don't see how that hurts her in anyway.

Yup - that's what I always do when I'm angry at someone. I have car sex with them in a parking lot.

Seriously Nicnac, you know this is a lie.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Nicnac - you are allowing him to maintain control, as is the Other Woman (OW). He really has the best of both worlds. Think about what you just told us - he is using YOU to get revenge/be passive aggressive with her?! How crazy is this?!

I know you're scared, but you've trained this man to treat you this way. You've gotta cut him off and show him you're serious about moving on without him.

To me the priorities are skewed here. How did the vacation go? I couldn't imagine doing something like that given the situation you are in. I know I sound harsh but you need to realize that this man is going to continue to treat you like garbage until you show him that you are serious about ending it with him.

You will survive. You WILL move on. You will be OK and if you choose, you'll meet someone else and have some fun without this clown. I know you're scared but you can do it. Don't worry about if he's hurt, he isn't worrying about you. Maybe that's what he needs to realize what he is doing.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Nicnac, I am really sorry you have to go through all of this crap... again.

I think if you look at the facts of your post (minus the emotion), you will see the smoke and mirrors he is throwing up and trying to call it something else. Like this will Magically make it something different than what it really was, an A. A big, fat, ugly A.

You drew a line in the sand and he stepped across it. More so, he wiped the line away with his foot, drew another line and said this is REALLY what you meant. I agree with the other posters here: he is blowing smoke and has no remorse for his behavior.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. His actions speak volumes.

Nekorb:
"You have to deal with this on your own terms. In the end, you have to feel like you did everything you wanted to do to save your marriage."

You also have to live with everything you did do. Abused spouses can throw this sort of "giving another chance" logic out all day long, and then take another beating.

If you give him another chance, he knows there are no consequences (from you) for his actions. I mean, he did just have two affairs and what has happened to him? Nothing. What is he going to change? Nothing.

I highly suggest taking a hard 180 on this. You need to put some distance between yourself and his selfish actions. I would also see a lawyer and find out your options. I would even go so far as starting the divorce proceeding. It takes about 6 months for the case to even hit the courts (down here in the Southern US of A). If he cleans up his act, you can stop the action and pay the lesser charge. If he does not do everything you think is necessary, you serve him papers.

(((Nicnac)))


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
CM86
New Member
Member # 40331
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I agree with the 180. Since I packed my husbands bags and threw them outside, he's changed his whole attitude. However, I still don't think it's enough. Leave, or kick him out. Be "serious" Don't let him see you cringe, cry, shake, yell, any of that. If all else.... he will believe you are serious even if you are not. He never has to know you weren't and wanted to give it another shot. Let him make the effort but from another house. If he is serious, there will be no more secrets, meetings, etc. He will actually make an effort. He's showing he doesn't care right now. Also, he told her that he wanted to be a better husband to cover his ass in case you ever saw the emails. He knew it was a risk he was taking and knew to be careful about it.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Missouri
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

NicNac

You have to do what is good for you.

Now at this stage in my life I would pack his bags so quick his head would swim..
You however are in your own stage of life. Do what is best for you.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I just had this conversation with my fWH this weekend. Since it had come up here a few times. I said; "I hope this goes without saying, but you do realize that the next slip-up, erased text, phone call, whatever, you have made your choice and you will be gone, right?". He said, "It does go without saying, I do understand."

So, if they understand that, and do it anyway, they have made their choice.

I'm so sorry because this is brutal.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

(((nicnac)))

I am so sorry you are here and are going through this. Everyone here has said exactly what you need to do...pack him up and send him on his way.

My WS told me he ended it right after D-Day, only a couple of weeks later they accidentally sent an email and reply through to our home account. I called him and told him I was done, then packed up myself and my daughter and went to a hotel for a couple of days. When I finally took his call he pleaded with me to give him another chance. He knew I was serious...and only then did things change for us. He knew I was not going to be his doormat...and I hadn't given him an ultimatum like you did. You need to act. You need to show him you mean business. People who are committed to making their relationship work do NOT meet up with their AP. He needs to get the message that you are better than this...because YOU ARE!!!!!!

Praying for strength for you.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You already set the boundary - the affair must end now. And you let him know the consequences of crossing the boundary - divorce. He gave you and your boundary a big fat F off by not only contacting the OW but also screwing around with her again. You have to enforce the consequences.

Contact a lawyer and file for D. Do the 180. If he gets his shit together at some point in the future, you can always stop the D. But, by then you may not even still want to give him a 3rd chance.

Also, don't worry about MC now. IMHO, MC is pointless since he is still lying and cheating. Are you getting IC? I've been seeing a therapist since D-Day and it has helped tremendously.

(nicnac)


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I 100% get what you are feeling, Im there. The what if this is the change. Its probably not. Approach him by showing him the evidence immediately followed by the door. If after he is out he works out his issues, then talk R. Its time he take you seriously.

I played a lot of maybe this is it and then I finally followed through with a mighty roar and he started to behave for several months and even now I've had something happen that has me on high alert.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
rescuedog
New Member
Member # 39171
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You may want to contact her husband.


The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I know I'm stupid for saying all of this

You are not stupid Nicnac. You are just like I was in the first few months following DDay. Scared. I wanted so much to believe that my WH 'got it'. That he loved me and would do everything possible to help us get to a better place.

He crossed my boundaries again and again (mine was to be open and honest and talk about everything without becoming defensive). I kept threatening that if he didn't I would walk (I didn't want to because I was scared of what life would look like with out him). So I made excuses for him which in turn gave me 'permission' to not follow through on my stated consequences.

It took a light bulb moment for me to realise that I would be fine without him. Life would be very different but it wouldn't be over. In fact I knew I would be happy again because my happiness did not depend on him, it depended on me!

Things changed after this revelation. I set the boundaries and spelled out the consequences, just as I had before BUT this time I meant it, and he knew it I guess because his attitude shifted.

Keep working on you. Do the 180 and find your strength. Don't allow yourself to be this mans safety net for too much longer.

((Nicnac))


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Personally, I think both nekorb AND everyone else are right. You DO need to do everything you can to save your marriage. You need to look back, in the future, and be at peace with the efforts you made.

That said, I don't think you CAN save your marriage without a 180. He knew your boundary and he crossed it. There MUST be a consequence. If there isn't a consequence, honey, your marriage will never be truly saved. It might be extended a few months or years, but it will never be saved.

No one's saying you have to stop loving him. No one's saying you have to be a shrew. No one's saying you have to give up. 180 is designed to give you dignity and control. Both of those--in situations like we're all in--are precious.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Nicnac
Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your comments, advice and love!

First, he is in IC, I am not because we can not afford it. He is a veteran and gets it from the VA. I may be able to see the MC independently a few times, but they won't see me because my WH is no longer active duty.

Second, The AP's spouse knows everything. He is the one who contacted me, both the first time and this time. I did find out that I knew a lot more of what happened then he did. I forwarded him everything his WW had sent to me and gave him to login and password (after I changed it) to my WH's email account that they used to contact each other.

Third, he is out. He packed up and left tonight. My parents have been gracious enough to allow him to stay in their guest house. But he didn't leave easily. I've been asking him to leave all day and he kept refusing, telling me that I should be the one leaving because he pays for the house. He had IC today and then met with my step-dad. I don't know what my step-dad said to my WH, but he needs to talk to everyone's WSs because he has flipped 180 on his own! He agreed to leave and on my terms. He decided he has some things he wants to talk to me about but is leaving the when of that up to me. He is a different man tonight than he was this morning.

That being said, I am going to try 180. I don't know how well I will do, I am an extremely selfless person and have a hard time focusing solely on myself, but I am going to do my best for me and for my daughter. I can't stand the idea of her growing up with a doormat of a mother. School starts soon and I'll have a lot on my plate, so hopefully I won't have time to worry about him.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Nicnac, I understand what you are going through. I also said that once more and I would be done, but he got so emotional and started saying all the right things, so I agreed on another chance. He continued to talk to her, yet still I am with him, trying to R. I worry that he now feels I will never end it, essentially giving him permission to continue the A.
I think you need to do whatever is right for you; you will know when you reach your breaking point, and I don't think you need to make any decisions until you are sure of what you want and need.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It really sucks that IC can be so damn cost prohibitive, Nicnac. You mentioned school starting up. Are you a student? Counseling may be available for free or at a low cost through student services at your uni. Also, look into community mental health services through your county - counseling services are often offered on a sliding scale of cost. Finally, I don't know if you have any religious affiliations, but that can be a great low cost counseling resource. Catholic Charities around here can set one up with a LMHC for $10 a session. Good luck with everything. No matter what, everything will be okay.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Nicnac
Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Fireflies- yes I am a student, but unfortunately I am at a lowly community college (career change). The uni I attended for my bachelor's def would have had this resource. This college doesn't even give us email accounts...

I would go through community, however I am a nursing student and guess what this semester's clinicals are- community and psych I would probably be seeing some of my classmates and teacher, not something I want to share with them...

I do not have religious affiliations at the moment. My family was catholic, and I was baptized catholic, but I haven't been a church-goer in a very very long time. I am not sure what is available around here. When I searched online for something, nothing came up that was less than $150/session. Maybe I'll find something I didn't know about through my clinical rotation.

I am lucky, though, to have a great support system. My parents, my bff and a very caring friend from school have all been extremely helpful today in making my mind up. I am not ready to give up, yet. We haven't even tried MC. But I can't just let this keep happening. 180 for now, hopefully I can hold out at least until our MC session next tuesday.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am glad and sad for you at the same time, so I can only imagine the turmoil you are feeling. Please keep posting here when you need to, and try to take care of yourself -- even though you're not used to doing that. These next few days are going to be tough, but I am glad that you have family close (and aware of the situation) to help you out.

I will be thinking about you. Remember that this doesn't have to be permanent. He just needs to realize what he has, and he doesn't yet. Hopefully your stepdad will help him along. May I borrow him??

Try to get some rest. I am so sorry.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I was also a "gotta try everything" person. My original Dday was 5 years ago and stbx has had 3 OW's since that time (that I know about). I have the responses to my posts sent to my email and I haven't deleted any of them. I read back over them now, today, after doing *everything* and giving him far more chances than he deserved.....and I have ended up exactly where everyone said I would. And the trajectory of my path was exactly as predicted. The predictions are stunningly accurate, actually.

Nic, MC with this guy is going to be a waste of money right now.
He is in IC and he's not even using THAT correctly. I keep reading your words where you say that he's in IC......BUT who cares? What is the impact? He STILL went and met with her for some type of car sex, right? If your WH were truly remorseful and wanted to *right his wrong*, he would have been using his IC to talk him OUT of the urge to contact her and meet up with her. He would have spoken to his IC about being angry at her and wanting to get revenge on her. He would have gone to his IC, NOT his OW, for solutions.

And seriously. Think about what he told you. He met her and engaged in car sex because he was *angry* at her? So what does that mean? How is meeting up with her any type of punishment for her? It isn't. And even if he had *angry car sex*----it doesn't matter. He STILL had car sex with her.....at YOUR expense.


****she asks if he'll ever do it again and he says "I don't think so. I need to be a better husband, father and person all around".****
He's keeping her hooked. My stbx used this type of wording....and it is not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

Nor is the fact that when you asked him to leave he threw a tantrum about how HE shouldn't have to leave because he pays for the house. HE just had 'car sex' with his whore 4 days ago....after being told that you would divorce him if he didn't knock his shit off......but HE's all butt-hurt, pissed off, and resentful of YOU for telling him to leave?

Good luck to you in the days to come, Nic.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Table the MC for now. If you can't draw the BIG line in the sand, at least demonstrate you know the futility of MC with a remorseless WH. Focus on yourself. There's no sense in working on the marriage when there are still three in it.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8579 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

it is extremely clear from his emails that it was purely sex for him,

So what? Really. So what? So, then it's ok? He already knows how this hurts you. How does it being "just sex" make it any better at this point????


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

(((nicnac)))

I also feel happy and sad for you at the same time. Good job on throwing his ass out the door. He now sees you mean business.

I feel for you going through this shit while in school. I did the same thing. I am surprised that I got through it.

All of us on here wish you all the best.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

He's out for now, however he will try to persuade you to let him back without doing the hard work to fix himself. He has to earn the chance for a R. Don't be too quick to open the door, because if you do he will continue on as he has been.

Now that OW's BS has left you will see if he runs to her or works to save his M. Keep you eyes open, don't believe everything that comes out of his mouth. Actions...can you access his emails, (he could get a secret email to fool you), while he is out, do you know where he is suppose to be?

Judge how hard he is working to get back home or is it all in the future comments with no action to get to that future?

Take care of you, remember it is in your best interest to take your time to decide what you want or need to do. He will be in a rush to speed the end of his exile. It is your time schedule that counts here. Don't be afraid he won't come back, if he doesn't then you know he had already left before you threw him out and you have saved yourself more grief. If he does the work, stays away from the OW, and "gets" that your letting him come home, it is a gift and should be valued. Then you can decide if you want him back.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:42 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
NWfleur
Member
Member # 35874
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I can't stand the idea of her growing up with a doormat of a mother.

This speaks volumes.

She won't, because you don't have to be his doormat anymore, you can set an amazing example for your daughter of what it means to be a strong, self respecting person who gets the respect she deserves.

(((nicnac)))


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)

Divorced!!!


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

You made him leave? Oh, Nicnac, I am so proud of you!!! It's only a first step but surely that one act did wonders for your self esteem.

He has to learn humility and realizing he can't control the situation is a big step toward that. The world does not revolve around him. Best of luck to you.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

You teach people how to treat you... and you deserve so much more than this

And you can be proud of yourself that you have taken a step in the right direction - showing him that you deserve respect.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8096 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Just sex? Sex should be with you...he should make it exciting with you...just sayin. Why let him continue cake eating? IMHO if you don't follow through he'll think you'll always turn a blind eye and continue to do what pleases himself. You deserve more then this.

Do a 180 - if you want to fight for this marriage make him realize what his life would be without you.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

On the one hand, I am sorry to hear you are in the situation of deciding to follow through on your conditions for R. I think many of the previous posts clearly indicate a majority of people side with dumping his a$$ to the curb and that his A was not definitively ended (kind of an open ended closure to the whole thing).

But, on the other hand, I can empathize with you on the difficulty in following through. On DDay#1 I made it perfectly clear that WW was to NC the OM. DDay#2 was a few months later. I repeated my conditions for R with WW. DDay#3 was 2 months after that. All three DDays resulted in my wife stating that it was her belief that "what I didn't know, couldn't hurt me". And that she never intended to leave me nor intended for me to find out. In counseling over the last 10months, it has become perfectly clear that if allowed to maintain both her stability with me and her fantasy world with the OM, she will find a way to make it happen.

I agree with those of you who advise to send the WH packing. If I had it to do all over again, I realize now that I should have done just that. Now it's just a matter of time until DDay#4.......only this time around, I'm done. There is no reconciliation after DDay#4.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 41