SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Being civil
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am finding it very hard to not react with anger in my tone to my WW. I need to communicate with her about the 3 kids and finances, but told her I no longer want to talk about anything else with her, including her cancer, since she has made her choice to stay with the OM. That was a hard step for me. I am struggling though in toning down my anger at her decision. I need to for the sake of the kids, but grrrrr.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Don't interact in person. Text or email only. Just keep it brief and factual.

A lot of people here use google calendar to co-ordinate pick-up/drop-offs.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7505 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately there is no way to avoid the face to face. Our set-up is that the kids are staying put in the family home and she and I are moving in and out on a rotating schedule. So there are time like this morning where I was in the house because I wanted to see my kids off for their first day of school. We didn't argue, but my hellos and goodbyes weren't the most civil.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

There is no need for hellos or goodbyes. That is courtesy. She is now just someone that you know - no courtesy required.

You'll get used to the indifference - practice it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7505 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I know what you mean. It's hard. I find that I don't have a happy medium. I'm either seething on the inside or sad/wistful.

The hard part is having to see my WS on a daily basis. I can cycle through my feelings in a day, a week, an hour, or even just in a matter of a few seconds. Something I have been thinking about 2 days earlier can all of a sudden pop up right before we meet f2f.

I'm starting to just feel sorry for him as a person for the messed up life he has made for himself. It's really hard to not be angry, resentful, or bitter.

All I can say is that it really does take ONE DAY AT A TIME. I don't know if I want to be the nicest girl...super cordial...civil...when he's up and abandoned me, but I have to do what I have to do for my son.

My hope is that he becomes a non-entity. Just another person I have to interact with in my day and not all of the things he was before, is now, and what he represents.

He's just the guy who drops off the baby for me after work. Right now that's all I can say to myself to stop me from outwardly expressing my dissatisfaction with who he is as a person.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Apr 2013
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Oh, man, it is sooooo hard. I am only 3 weeks out from the bomb drop. I am still mostly a seething hot volcano of hot lava.

When we have seen eachother I can not even look at him, nor he at me. He hangs his head in shame.

I know I have to be civil for the sake of the kids. On Monday when he picked them up, I even let him in the house. Made him stand there and wait for the little one to come down. He was very uncomfortable.

I was not overly cordial or overly rude, but just treated him like a worker or chauffer hired to drive the kids to their after school activities. I only spoke to the kids. When he dropped them off, I started talking to the kids and as he was saying bye and I love you I let the door swing shut- and they didn't even notice that he was still talking to them.

It was great. There he stood at the door to the house, in the garage. The kids, the dog, the dinner, the family all on the inside. He was on the outside, staring at a slammed door.

A metaphor for his life. You are on the outside of this family now F**Ker.

In time I may be nicer if it is good for the kids, but honestly all this highly coordinated blended family co-parenting crap takes two people that can communicate and are willing to deal with eachother. I doubt I will be able to do that.

I have always said of other people who split up, I don't know how people do it. When your married and have kids, it is even hard to agree all the time on how to raise them how to handle things with them. Then you get Divorced and they have one life with one and one life with the other, it is messy and crappy. It is a SHIT STORM of EPIC proportion. It sucks for the person who did not chose this and even worse IT sucks MOST for the kids. Why do they have to be inconvenienced because they have a SHIT HEAD for a father who ruined it for everyone.

Well, maybe I am still a little bitter....ya think!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Sleepless, I wish my WW would hang her head. She stands there smug, ready to criticize me for my reactions.

In a previous post last Friday I describe how she was pissed off at my "erratic behavior" the previous 3 weeks (My Dday was the 28th of July).

I wonder why my behavior might be so erratic. Hmmm. I wonder. Could it be? [Queue Dana Carvey] SATAN?

Anyway. I'm feeling more in control this evening than this morning.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

As if we, as BS's, aren't allowed to have normal erratic behavior when the rug was pulled out from under us. Sheesh.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more in control. It's hard to believe but IT DOES GET BETTER! Continue to focus on YOUR healing and rebuilding your new life and continue to be there for your children.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Time and detachment makes it all far easier to handle.

In the early days I was so full of rage I would throw up after having to see his revolting face. Then it eased to a sick feeling in my stomach and nowadays I forget I have to see him until I get there then it's an 'ugh' leaning towards a 'meh'.

Can you do anything about the in-house? That sounds like hell - pure hell. I did it for 8 hideous weeks and it was sheer hell. You would not believe the seismic change I felt when I no longer had to see him. That's when my BS fog cleared the most.

What is best for the kids is a happy and healing dad - I don't know how you can do that with your current arrangement. It would have kept me in the crazy for sure.

I promise it won't always feel this strong or this bad. I never believed it when people said it to me because I was so full of rage and hurt I just could not imagine it ever easing. But its so true - it eased then stopped. I did hardcore NC then the 'fake it till you make it' for a few months and one day I realised I wasn't faking it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Honestly, and I know this can be hard on the kids, but you probably need to move out if she won't. Obviously she's unremorseful. Fuck her and her illness. She fired you from your job as her husband and caretaker. That was her choice and it's not your worry. You only worry about yourself now and your kids.

I did in-house separation for 14 months. It was pure hell. I lost 35 pounds and was always on pins and needles because of her unremorsefulness. She even began putting paint samples on my master bedroom wall in an attempt to erase me from her life and also torture me too I'm sure. We didn't argue so much as we didn't speak. Nor would I look at her. I think it was really hard on our son, but she wasn't willing to do what "normal and compassionate" person would do and go stay at her parent's two miles away.

Your kids will accept it more than you know if you can afford to do it. You just aren't going to recover unless you stop seeing her. And if you do divorce are you going to keep doing this rotation?....my guess is no. It took many people telling me that before I believed it. They were right.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:34 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 10