Just Found Out
User Topic: Decimated
Member # 39987
Concerned  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

My WS and I have been trying to R - or so I thought since I first found out back in May about ONS years ago. Since then he's been caught 2x on web-sites. Each time swearing to never do it again and like a freakin idiot I believed him. I've been working so hard on trying to reestablish trust in him and with forgiveness. I've also been addressing my own FOO issues and felt like I was really truely making some progress.
Well today I had one of those gut feelings and checked his text msgs. I can see most of them but not all. One of them just said, "I.m avail my rate is 160". WTH? Trying not to let my emotions get away with me I found another one that just said Call me. Long story short, I googled them and found them on BackPage as call girls. I texted one of them and she spilled the whole beans for me!! I called my WH at work on his work line - that I think gets monitored and called him a lying sack of shit and told him to come home and get his stuff. He played dumb and I said I know about the call girls - so did you pick the $80 one? He said no. I told him again to come home and get his stuff and he refused and said we would talk about it tonight. I'm sorry but the time for talking is over. I called our MC who is also our individual IC and I've also called an attorney. I'm so shattered and scared about my future without him but I know I cannot keep living with someone who keeps disrespecting me and basically abusing me, my love, and my trust.
I know he will try to spin this someway/somehow - he always does. But I've already put all his stuff in a suitcase and sent an email to his office that he can come in to get his suits and then I want him to leave. There is no reason for this behavior other than he is sick sick sick!!!
Please for those who pray say a prayer for me tonight as I face my worst fear ever and have to face our boys to.
Sadly I have not been on here much lately and was wondering if that was a good sign that I was moving forward and didn't feel like I needed this support much more. Unfortunately I will be crying on your shoulders again and looks like I will be visiting the divorce board too.. Lord give me strength and courage.

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry. Sounds like he is continuing to cheat and left you with no choice. He's not just abusing your trust - he's endangering your life. He could catch any number of diseases from his "activities."

I don't know what else to say except hang in there. You deserve better.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1495 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I know it's hard Phoenix. I'll be praying for you & your family.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)


Stay strong, he will have a lot of excuses for you.

I'm so shattered and scared about my future without him but I know I cannot keep living with someone who keeps disrespecting me and basically abusing me, my love, and my trust.

But wouldn't you rather be alone than be treated like that. I would.

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 614 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)


Stand your ground and give him a hard 180! You are worth so much more than this shit.

DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)


FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7677 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope it gets better, it will, in time. Stay strong. Take care of yourself.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your kindess. Some moments it almost feels like too much to bear. I know I will survive and rise up from the ashes of our marriage.
I aleady have a doc appt for next week to see about AD and STD testing. Sad world when you have to worry about those things.
Yes 180 here I come!!

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry Phoenix. Sometimes broken is just broken.

You will survive this. And come out stronger.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong and take care of YOU. There is some peace in having answers and knowing what direction you're going in.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

When he gets home, let him do ALL the talking. If you engage he will spin the facts and drive you crazy. Only say...hmmmmm, then silence. Continue to tell him, he needs to leave. Don't let him draw you in, it will be the kiss of death for your resolve and it allows him to see your vulnerable areas.

Continue to tell him to leave, if he gets to stay he will feel this will all blow over and he can continue on with his disrespect. Your behavior will dictate if he gets it. His being out will give him time to see life without you. It will also give you time to decide what your future looks like without pressure from him to move forward without fixing any of the issues.

Stay strong. Let him spin, lie, and try to manipulate. Don't rise to his bait. Keep focused on his cheating and lying and not his excuses.

[This message edited by momentintime at 6:12 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
New Member
Member # 40110
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am SO sorry to read this- it just made my stomach turn. That "Backpage" was just one of the many outlets my WBF used during his trysts.
It is my biggest fear- that I will find evidence of his going back to that again- we are working on R- but still have TONS of work to do before I will feel right again...if ever.

So Confused, Hurt, Humiliated...
But strong...
DDay: 06/23/13
DDay #2 08/05/2013
DDay #3 08/12/13
DDay #4 08/13/13 get the idea
Not married
New relationship
That's what is sad...

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Santa Clara
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Phoenix, take a deep breath and remain as calm as you can tonight. Your sons need you, but you telling them the nitty-gritty perhaps can wait a bit until you are in a calmer, strong frame of mind. I know you are shattered by the thought of telling them. Be strong, and keep your kids safe ((Phoenix))

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry. What is it with these entitled, damaged people who show no respect for their spouse's feelings? I just don't understand.

Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)


I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that you are doing ABSOLUTELY the right thing for you. It won't be easy but you cannot live like this, no one deserves to live like this. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected any longer.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I really like what momentintime had to say. Don't let him sway you with excuses and fast talk and justifications. No matter what he says, you have proof; no matter if he asks for another chance, you've given him those; no matter if he says he loves you, you can say you love him, too. But you don't love how he treats you. And you don't think his actions are loving ones. And you think he has a problem. And he'll have to start solving it while living apart from you and your boys.

My husband is a sex addict. Sounds like yours may be, also. The term gets thrown around a lot here, but look where we are! An isolated affair doesn't mean someone's a sex addict. Neither does multiple affairs. Neither does occasional pornography use. But a history of call girls and prostitutes and escorts--risking your health, your children's welfare, and your money--is a step up. Most men, imperfect as they are, don't go there.

His actions aren't just hurting you, they're ENDANGERING you. We've all got broken hearts, but for many of us, the STD testing is a mere formality. We don't have to worry. So please stand strong. You don't have to be mean or hateful or vindictive. You don't have to be that person. You just need a backbone. You just need to know that you and your boys deserve a man who will PROTECT you. When he can be that man, you might allow him to return.

It's your choice. It's time to take control. It's time to value you and your children more than him. When marriage works, it's a wonderful institution--even a sacred one. It's worth preserving. But not the way it stands for you right now; not unless he gets some help.

Prayers and hugs going out to you. You can do this!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry. Just reading your post brought me to tears. This is my worst nightmare that my husband will do it again. You are doing the right thing for both you and your children.

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry for the tremendous hurt you are experiencing. I wish you strength and send you many prayers.

You deserve better.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You go girl! Stand up and hold onto that resolve. You. can. do. this! You deserve so much better than this.

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Well, tonight may have been one of the hardest things I have ever done but I'm proud of how I handled myself. He came home after work and I was waiting in the living room cool as a cucumber. I told him his stuff was packed in the bedroom and he could take it and his suits and leave. He said he thought we should talk first. I replied that there was nothing else to talk about.
He tried to start out by saying that he didn't go meet those girls and I said I didn't care, please leave. He tried to dig at me by saying that he wondered if I was still checking on him like he had been testing me. I repeated that I didn't have anything else to discuss.
So then he tries to go at me from a different angle - what are we doing about other things, ie. money and stuff. I laid out a game plan for splitting up our current checking account and savings and said that would be itemized in the divorce.
He sat there for several minutes and got up saying that "it doesn't matter you don't want to talk anymore" and off he went to our bedroom to start getting his stuff. I was dying to go back there and make sure he wasn't doing anything mean or underhanded but I just sat calmly in my chair.
After a bit he started hauling things out to his car and on one trip asked me if I could go get the hanging clothes bag. Uh, no, you can go get it yourself. That threw him for a loop because normally I would have been oh so accommodating. Not anymore.
He tried to initiate some more dialog about being fair in divorce proceedings blah, blah, blah and all I would respond with is "I'll discuss it with my lawyer." I finally told him who my lawyer was with the description she's a kick ass female attorney in the next town over.
I told him that the only other thing I had to say to him was that he needed to keep seeing his IC and to be safe.
He looked like he had tears in his eyes as he walked out and said "adios" and I replied "au revoir."
After he left I gave myself permission to cry and proceeded to call my mom and cry some more. The hardest part was telling the boys. Our oldest is in shock and I'm not really sure about the younger one. I tried to explain that I really had tried to make things work with their dad but it had come to the point that I needed to take care of me. Staying with the marriage was not a good thing for me and they deserved a mom that was happy and healthier. I know they will have to process all this in their own way butI feel so bad that I'm the initiator in this step when he's the one that fucked up royally. So not fair.

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Sending prayers your way. You needed to do this, and he needs a lot more help. I am so sorry, but now you can work on getting stronger without having to worry about where he is or what he is doing.

Stay strong and true to yourself!! (Easier said than done, I know). We are here for you.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Oh sweetie - you are so strong....I'm so proud of you. You took every trick of his and threw it in the trash.

You're going to get through you said to the boys...stronger and healthier.

Sending strength, peace and huge (((((HUGS))))),


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5076 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 22