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User Topic: WW had online affair. need advice
dedicated2love
New Member
Member # 40446
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Hello everyone. Im new to SI and very grateful that I found it. A little background info about me. I am a disabled veteran with a seizure disorder. I have not been able to work since 2005 and likely will only be able to work part time. I have been going through personal issues dealing with this. My wife was very supportive until I noticed a few months ago she started becoming distant from me. I caught my WW having online sexual affairs with different men a few weeks ago(8/4). From the different information that I discovered it spanned from Jun-Aug. I discovered online chats of her meeting guys for lunch to see if their was any "chemistry" between them, always giving out her number so they could keep in contact. All this happened on AdultFriendFinder, Facebook, and Yahoo IM. AFF was the worst discovery because this website is for finding sexual partners. I found sexual chats of what she wanted to do with these guys, trying to find the right sex buddy. Of course I was very devastated on what I found particularly one incident. I was having complications with my seizures and my doctor set an appt for me to stay a week in the hospital and adjust my medical device, helps control my seizures During the time of my hospital visit I found out that she created a profile on AFF. She lied to me saying that it was for her sister and she was paying for her membership. I asked her sister and she had no idea what I was talking about. The day of my adjustment she was chatting with a guy later on that night, didnt visit me that day. Of course alot of it was dirty talk, and was making plans to meet the next night. When she discovered that he only lived about 10-15 min away she invited him over describing in detail what was going to happen. She gave him our address and her phone number. The fact that he didnt know her number,she didnt know where he lived, led me to believe they had just met online. This stranger could have been lying to her and is now coming over to have sex with my wife. When I confronted her about this chat(I had proof) and if she ever cheated on me she kept repeating "no, no, no." Her excuse was that at the last minute she sent a text and changed her mind. From a guys POV I would have gotten upset and still came over wanting answers. Since Ive caught her Ive lost my trust in her. Now, I need physical evidence that she didnt do all these things because her word doesnt count anymore. Out of all what hurts is that she wasnt there for me at the hospital, instead more focused on her profile/chatting. She did send me a text to say goodnight and she loved me. I checked the time of my text and when she was chatting, both had the same time on them. It was almost like she had to send me a quick text before she continued for the night with him. To make things worse she picked me up from the hospital acting like she missed me. I am on such an emotional rollercoaster now. I cry alot during the day while she is at work and anything can set this off for no reason. We are seeing an MC, first session was last week, Friday will be our next. Has anybody dealt with an online affair? My wife she's she didnt do anything. I noticed in her texts she would tell guys that she was done at 9:00pm with her class and wanted to meet at 10:00pm at the campus bar. I compared chat dates with credit card charges to the bar and they are the same night. I think just meeting in person with someone you are having sexual chats with is cheating. I hate to think about this, but even giving oral sex to a guy before she comes home is cheating. Even kissing and letting a guy touch on her is cheating. If this is true I dont understand how she can act normal when she comes home. The other night in bed we started to touch each other, at the last minute I pulled away. When she fell asleep I went downstairs and cried. I guess Im venting more than anything and asking for support in my issue. Should I believe her that she didnt do anything that night with that guy? If she didnt...there is a man that knows where we live, and lives 15 minutes away. For all the betrayed spouses out there how long did it take before you became intimate again with your spouse? Does everybody feel that I have a right to know where she is all the time i.e. runs errands needs to show receipts. Im even thinking of asking for her username/password to all her accounts. Does everybody think this is too much for now? I plan on bringing this issue up in our next MC session. For those that have been to MC sessions you know the counselor talks about being open and honest, and calm. When I caught her she was avoiding me when I was asking questions. I know at our MC session she wont be able to, I plan on driving. Does anybody have an input/insight on my situation. Im very upset, confused and tired of what happened. For some reason she acts like it was not that big of a deal.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

d2l,

I am sorry that you are here. Nothing is more crushing than our spouse betraying us in the worst possible way.

Much more information is going to trickle out of your wife, but know this for certain: SHE CHEATED ON YOU. PERIOD.

I say this because of what you wrote:

I think just meeting in person with someone you are having sexual chats with is cheating. I hate to think about this, but even giving oral sex to a guy before she comes home is cheating. Even kissing and letting a guy touch on her is cheating.

Just the fact that your WW was giving her time and energy to other men is cheating. She introduced other men into your exclusive marriage.

To answer the question if your WW had sex, sadly, the odds are not only more than likely, but are almost certain that she did. AFF was my WW's site of choice, and people don't join there just to meet online friends. Add to the fact that you know that she was fishing(giving out her number and address, giving times to meet up), and all the indicators point to a physical affair. I know that this will take time to settle in, but it is far better to be in the hurtful truth than in an oblivious denial. Your world has just been rocked to its very core, and there is still a shitstorm ahead until you reach ground zero.

I am not trying to make you feel worse, friend, just trying to get you on the right path as soon as possible.

Don't do anything rash at the moment. Take time to read in The Healing Library in the yellow box in the top left corner. Post here. Reply to their responses. You will learn more here than you ever wish that you had to, but it is invaluable in how you should move forward.

You will get through this, no matter how deep the betrayal is....it will just take time and understanding on how to climb out of this mess.

Again, sorry that you are here.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 19(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 26yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1869 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Hi Dedicated, so sorry you are here but you will get very good support and advice. My husband was also on AFF, and I also found out within days of an extremely serious issue involving the health of one of our kids. It is still staggering to me that I spent those days sobbing, looking for health professionals, while he was busy sexting with strangers and looking to meet someone. I understand the added hurt of her doing this during your hospital stay.

You have been traumatized by your wife's choice. This is a time to take care of yourself. Make sure to eat, drink, rest, and set up some individual counseling for yourself. There is a wealth of information in the Healing Library linked in the upper left corner. Unfortunately you have a long road ahead.

I assure you, it IS a big deal. It is horrific. This part hurts - there are virtually always lies in the beginning. Be prepared for more to come out, but you will have to push her hard to get it. Proof is often the only way to get a confession of anything.

All the best to you. Good luck.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 535 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Dude. She cheated. The minute she went outside of the marriage for any intimacy, the minute that she had to hide what she was doing from you, she cheated. Your feelings of betrayal are totally legitimate. You have been betrayed and it''s by someone who promised to always have your back. I''m so sorry. AFF was where my FWH found his fuck-buddy. That''s the only reason the site exists to find someone else to screw. Further, she brought a stranger, A STRANGER, to your house and gave him complete access to your life. BTW, my FWH met up with his F-buddy too, before he rented that hotel room. I guess the two of them wanted to make sure that neither of them normally traveled around with an axe.

Look at the upper left corner, in the yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read anything in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. Knowledge is power start getting educated on what this road is likely to look like. Given your circumstances, I would also call a lawyer tomorrow and find out what your legal rights are. Right now, the person who looks like your wife isn''t. It''s a pod-person wearing her skin. That person is living in lala land and does not have your best interests in her heart. Obviously, since she left you to languish in a hospital while she played "Who can text the nastiest thing" with her new poppet.

This is all brutal. Believe me, we all know that. But she has taken you here and you need to figure out how to survive. Start reading. Stay hydrated (no booze), eat what you can, and rest when you can. Come back often for support and to vent. We are all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4073 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

First off sorry you are here , but your wife cheated ! It sounds like you know that already. Denial is normal I did the same thing as I am sure many others have too. You need to be prepared for some more discoveries. You also need to take care of yourself , that is super important . I wish you all the best in the long journey


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 580 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Hi D2L, You can probably expect lots of lies and denials (she already tried to push this off on her sister) and more lies and denials. Since she met up with these guys, it likely turned physical, that is the main reason AFF exists, to find a sexual hook-up. My H had a profile on there before his A started. I had no clue, he had it in a hidden file and my Dad came over and was doing some computer maintenance and found it!!!

I'm sorry for your pain and your disability and seizure disorder. (((Hugs)))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Landoes
Member
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I'm in the same boat my friend. Hang in there.
My lovely WGF was busy making videos while I was recovering from surgery. I also had to text her that it was my birthday, while she sent him a present for his bday, xmas and vday. Not me though. You're not alone, there's a great section in here called I can relate about online affairs. Best wishes

[This message edited by Landoes at 12:41 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Devastaded
New Member
Member # 40454
Helpless  Posted: 4:18 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

OMG... It's like looking into a mirror. I can relate to you in so many ways. First of all let me tell you that I truly understand what you're going through and I feel for you... Cheating it's something nobody on this earth deserves. Our situations are kinda similar. About 2 months ago, I got really sick. I needed constant care and my husband had to work so I went and stayed at my mom's house for a week for recovery. My husband told me he was going to go and meet me there over the weekend, but we had a fight and he didn't do it. A few days after I came home I found out that he was fooling around on Skout. He created a profile in which he lied about being married (obviously). I found out very trashy chats... WITH PICTURES!! Can you imagine the pain of seeing pictures of my husband masturbating to another woman???? There are no words to describe the pain... I do know that my husband and this girl never met, it was online only, but I still consider this cheathing, it's still a betrayal.Same as others, I do not wanna make it worse but I do consider your wife cheated on you. If you have receipts from the bar on the same day of the chats, it's very possible they met. My H and I, same as you, started going to MC... Had our first session 2 weeks ago and will have the second one next Friday. Same as you, I had problems when confronting my H because he just would not answer my questions. He kept saying stupid things like "I don't know why I did it" and I just wanted to punch him right in the face.It was different in counseling, he opened up and I got some answers that I really needed. In regards to the pw, my MC told me I needed to ask my H for ALL of his passwords, since it was the only way to regain some peace in trust. MC also told me it was going to be a way for my WH to prove me that he's changing and that he wouldn´t do it again. At first I felt it was a huge violation of his privacy, but then I realized that I really needed to do it. I have all of my H's user names and passwords, he even authorized me to track his phone if I want to just to make sure he's at work. This was helpful. Now, in regards to intimacy... Would you please let me know when you find out? My h and I are sleeping on separate bedrooms right now... It's been a week since the last time I kissed him. I can't even think about being intimate with my H. I don't know how long will it take for things to go back to normal.. If that ever happens!. When I think of sex with my H I immediately remember his chats and pictures and I want to throw up. I understand how you feel... Trust me. I sense that you love her and you wanna give your marriage a try... So do I. But it's gonna be really hard, my friend. I don't think your wife is being entirely honest with you, and honesty it's a MUST in order to start the healing process. Otherwise you will keep asking yourself if she ended having sex with the guy in your house, if she met guys at the bar... Doubts will destroy you. In my case, my H didn't talk to me at home but he did at MC.Thank God we found this website... Hang in there!!!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Costa Rica
1ost0ne
Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

D2L, First, a big thanks for your selfless service to this country.

Like you, some of my WW's As was on the Internet. She would have Skype masturbation sessions with any willing person. From the sounds of it, your WW took it to the next level and started turning it into real sex. Yes, she cheated and most likely has yet to tell you the complete story. Patience and Strength to you! The story will come out or you will need to move on.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
dedicated2love
New Member
Member # 40446
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Good morning everyone. I appreciate the input and advice everybody has giving me. To have others in my situation I dont feel alone as much as I did before. Since I caught her with online affairs (8/4/13) most of the time we do act like a so called "married couple" in public. As far as being intimate, we had sex last night. It wasnt the best sex but it was nice to be close to her even though I had those hurtful thoughts. I dont know if that was a good idea now, because she might think that she has control over me no matter what. Im afraid if we stop having sex she will run into another mans arms again, and the vicious cycle will start over. I feel like Im walking on eggshells making sure SHE is happy. I do admit that I tried AFF when I got out the military. I was single and lonely trying to figure out my disability. So I understand how sexually explicit it is. I did meet someone on there and lasted about a year, I ended the relationship. One thing I can say is that AFF CAN BECOME ADDICTING. I deleted my profile and account thinking that was it. Of course it wasnt. I created another one started sexual chatting with other women. So I guess from my experience Im afraid if she gets upset because I start to become persistent for answers she will do the same thing.

11:00am - My wife just sent me a text asking if I have made any plans for us this weekend. I replied why because my first thought was she wanted to have a "girls night out" or something like that. I got defensive and was going to say no you cant go out. She called and wanted to make plans for us to go to New Orleans for this weekend (road trip), we live in Houston. I said yes and started crying. She asked me what was wrong I told I wanted both of us to get away, like she was reading my mind. These were things that we used to do when we first got married, spur of the moment ideas. Now that I think about, she may be doing these things because guilt is sinking in on her. Im trying so hard to hold my ground and remember what she did to me. Being a BH really sucks ass!!! I know its going to take months/even years. Hopefully our MC can figure out and make us realize where things went wrong. Im not seeking the big D, Im willing to do what it takes. I hope she feels the same and does not feel tempted to go back to online chatting. She feels online chatting was not cheating, everytime I still ask her she replies "no" she never has cheated.

[This message edited by dedicated2love at 3:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

She feels online chatting was not cheating, everytime I still ask her she replies "no" she never has cheated.

Hate to say it but it is likely she will go back to doing it at some point when she thinks you''re feeling better or things have died down.

Bottom line is until she can acknowledge it was a betrayal then you are not in R and you have an unremorseful WW.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3363 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
PowerGlo
Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

You need to demand she be tested for STD's and you should go in and be tested yourself. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS! My WW told me all the same shit you are hearing...7 months later she confesses to having sex with two of the scums from AFF. There were plenty more believe me. You should do everything you can to start investigating her computer, phone records and banking statements. Sorry you are in this mess. It does get better with time but only if she tells you the truth from the beginning which she isn't.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Hi dedicated2love,

A few people have already said this, but I think you're still in a little denial, despite your wife saying she wanted to go on a roadtrip to New Orleans.

She definitely wants sex, AFF is all about people looking to have sex, not relationships.

1. Get tested for STDs.
2. She needs to get tested for STDs and you need prove of her results - get the written results.
3. Do not have sex with her until you get the STD results. I know this could be very tough and clearly she is wanting sex from someone, but your health and potentially your life is at risk. At the very least, use a condom.
4. You should demand full transparency and disclosure. Look at ALL of her email accounts, social media accounts and accounts with sites like AFF. Also, look at her cell phone and examine cell phone records. Install a key logger app onto her phone and shared computer/devices so you can see what she is doing.

I don't think she's being honest with you and you need that right now. You can't pretend that just because she wants to go out with you somewhere that she isn't still seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.

In regards to "wondering if she cheated on me." If she was hiding it from you and was afraid to do it in front of you, that's cheating. My wife did the same to me. Stick to your guns.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

D2L,

I'd be afraid of things moving to quickly towards business as usual. There are allot of things for you to work through and think about. You need time to process and your WW needs to do a whole laundry list of things before you just close the door on this and move forward.

If she's trying too hard to just get back to the loving relationship you had before she cheated, she may be trying rug sweep.

From your first post, I have hard time believing nothing really happened. I'm sorry but her explanation just doesn't ring true.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

One thing I can say is that AFF CAN BECOME ADDICTING. I deleted my profile and account thinking that was it. Of course it wasnt. I created another one started sexual chatting with other women.

And this was when you were single. So you know what this site is like. Anyone in a committed relationship, ANYONE, with the exception of consenting partners, has no business on a site like this. And just for the record, I think sites like this should burn to the fucking ground....but that is just me. Regardless, how can you even consider that this is not cheating?

Answer: it is cheating. I know it, you know it, and she sure as hell knows it. And this elephant in the room is not going to go away unless it is addressed. And I am just talking about what you know, not the probability that it is much, much worse.

Brandon808 hit it on the head that until she recognizes her wrongdoings, and works to repair it, you are not in R nor is she remorseful. And as much as you want this all to just go away, it won't. You are setting yourself up for much more pain if you don't get to the bottom of this.

Right now, shortly after discovery, is when the betrayed often make their worst mistakes. What we are trying to do is help you avoid many of these pitfalls, although your heart is telling you otherwise. If you are afraid that questioning her will drive her back to AFF, then you have no chance. There is no "driving her away" if you are getting to the truth.

Don't accept what she is currently giving you. You deserve better.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 19(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 26yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1869 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

You should keep snooping. Key loggers, VARs, etc.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
hurtininHouston
New Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

d2L
I am in Houston as well. My wife had texting and physical relationship. Possibly looking for other men in Houston that had the same problem that might want to chat and talk about it. Let me know
S

Posts: 46 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 17