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User Topic: this is probably my last post
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Stop  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I have screwed up and ruined all the progress that I thought I had made. I have not been honest with my BH, myself, or any of the other members in this forum.

My A with the OM has never ended...we have continued to have an EA since the first dday. Although the conversations have not been sexual I have still been lying to my BH.

My BH let me move home Sunday. I told the OM then that I was done with him and wanted to make my M work.

Last night my BH asked if I was still talking to OM and I confessed I had. He then emailed the OM and threatened that if we continued to talk he would tell his wife. BH told me if I want to stay with him I am never to speak to OM again and I told him I won't.

I am grateful that BH is giving me one more chance but am so angry at myself for hurting him again. Throughout the last nine months I have tried ending things with OM but we have always started talking again.

I know I deserve whatever comments I get on this post. It doesn't seem it but I am very remorseful and angry with myself and know I dont deserve another chance.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

BH told me if I want to stay with him I am never to speak to OM again and I told him I won't.

And then you say this....

Throughout the last nine months I have tried ending things with OM but we have always started talking again.

What makes this time any different? How are you going to honor your word?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198310 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I honestly think that you need to find out why you would give yourself permission to be deceptive to people who love you and people who want to help you.

It is akin to a drug addict asking for help but still doing the drug.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Wanna end this fun little fantasy? Tell the OM's BS. She has the right to know what's going on behind her back.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6309 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Tell OBW. I screwed up too many times to be judgmental of anyone, but I think that at this point, NOT telling her is more to preserve your ongoing A than it is for any other conceivable reason you may give. She does not deserve to continue living a lie with what she thinks is a loving husband. And based on all that I've read here over the past 18 months, I would bet she is having suspicions that there is something going on. Your admission, while bringing an acute hurt into her life, will put an end to that chronic pain of suspicion. Do the right thing for yourself, your daughter, your BH and tell her. It will squash the A and allow you to focus on what is very likely the last chance your BH is willing to give you. Good luck to you.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Why your last post, Alyssa? If there ever was a time for this to be the FIRST post of a new you it is right now. I don't see anyone casting the first stone, or judgements raining down. I personally feel for you, and what the fantasy and drug of "AP addiction" is costing you.

But don't you feel some sort of relief and weight off coming clean? That's a huge step in the right direction.

Regardless of whether anyone else gives you another chance, YOU can give YOU another chance. Are you worth it? Only you can answer that question.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 12:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Stay. You need us more than ever.

At the risk of saying "I told you so," I (and others) suspected you still had feelings for AP, and that's why you didn't want to quit the daycare.

My only point in saying that is: your BH's "bullshit detector" isn't broken, either. That's a good thing.

You must tell the OBS. Trust me, I didn't want to do it and I fought it. But, it sure as hell has kept me from ever emailing xAP!

I admire your bravery for admitting this to us. It shows you're committed to healing. Strength, sistah, you can do this!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Alyssa,

We are all works in progress, and you have made huge amounts of progress since you came here.

I sat here for over a year listening to people and learning the evils of TT, yet I continued to do it.

That was one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write. Good for you for finally ending it and coming clean to your BH. You owe us nothing, but you do owe yourself and your BH 100% truth.

Keep at it. We're here for you. Don't leave, you need us .

Seriously, keep posting.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

It is akin to a drug addict asking for help but still doing the drug.

Otherwise known as most drug addicts.

As far as "this is probably my last post"...why? Now the real work can start.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Agree with everyone else. This most definitely shouldn't be your last post. Admitting this is a positive step. NC is the next. Contacting the OM's BS is the next. You get the idea.

Each step forward is another step in the right direction Alyssa. Don't stop now.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6309 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Yep.Please keep posting. Go NC and Tell OBS.

Keep fighting for your marriage.

It was brave of you to post this.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Alyssa,

The A that brought me to SI was actually the second A with the same OM. I knew I should have never spoken to him outside of work again, knew I should have deleted him from my phone---and from my LIFE---but I didn't.

Stay at SI. Keep posting, reading, learning. This place helped me get my head out of my ass... the folks here are good at that.

It was brave of you to confess this here, and to answer your BH's question honestly. That shows strength. Build on it from here!


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Alyssa:

I want to offer up my story and hopefully help you in your struggle. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. I had a problem going online, looking at porn and chatting with women online. My wife and I had a DDay of sorts in May (sadly enough right before our anniversary). And afterwards, I wrote her an apology letter and swore I wouldn't do anything inappropriate. Not two days later, I was doing the same things again. I also had one more incident about a month later which led to our official DDay. Since DDay, I've recognized how much my family and my wife mean to me. I've cut things out of my life which led to my past actions. The potential loss of my family is enough to make me change (and work every day to make that change permanent). The question you have to ask yourself is this: is it worth the change and the work, or would you prefer an "easier route" without the pain and hurt? Only you can answer that. I wish you the best in your decision.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I will chime in too.

I too took my A underground, and then years later when AP contacted me out of the blue, started an EA with her.

We all have our stories, we all need support.

Don't leave now when you really need the help.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Alyssa,
You finally got what you wanted; to move back home and live with your family. Now the real work begins, the day in day out real life situations..

This AP of yours is superfluous. NOT needed. You used him , he used you. Enough. We all think our AP's have a "hold" on us. We can't let go. YOU can, it's just really hard but not impossible.

Also, please remember he is having a BABY with his WIFE.

You don't need him Alyssa. Cut him out as though the contact is a disease that will spread to your marriage.

You're finally back home with your daughter. It's what you've been desperate for, for months, stick to your promise to BH and start the rest of your life today.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone for your comments they definitely are not what I was expecting but they are very much appreciated.
The reason I said it would likely be my last post is I was afraid of what the comments would be and was afraid to deal with it. But I don't want to take the easy way out. I want to fix my marriage and prove to my BH that this time will be different and I am going to change.
I don't want anything to do with the AP and want him out of my life for good and intend to do that...I really am hoping to find a new job soon too so I don't have to see him.

I can honestly say I am ready to change and be the wife and mother my family deserves to have.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

The reason I said it would likely be my last post is I was afraid of what the comments would be and was afraid to deal with it.
Not running away from the tough stuff is what helps you grow. Change the pattern of running away and change will happen in you.

What is your plan for when you see OM at work?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

My plan is to avoid talking to him as much as possible. I know which days he usually drops off and picks up so if I can I will just not be in the classroom when he comes. And if I can't get out of the room I still don't really have to talk to him...I can leave that to one of the other teachers.

I am considering what others have said about telling his BW. I am reluctant to do that though cuz I think it will make everything worse for everyone. I would rather just forget him and move on.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Telling her will make him accountable. Right now he is not and it makes it real easy to break NC.

Hufi's four words can apply here

DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Telling her will make him accountable as FRM said. Right now he can walk around with a smug on his face because he got away with it. And he will do it again.

Telling her will reenforce your commitment to your BH and your M.

It will END the A.

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:25 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Alyssa, glad you're back.

I would rather just forget him and move on.

Gently, hon, that didn't work the first time. You want to prove you're done with AP? Ask your BH to out the AP to his wife.

If your H were cheating on you, wouldn't you want to know? Doesn't she deserve to know she's married to a lying cheater? You don't seriously think he'll be faithful to her just because you're finally dumping him, do you?

You know what the BWs here say about us; we're predators unworthy even of personal pronouns. Rise above that and do the right thing by the OBS. Their M is a sham; don't let her keep living like that.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

I am reluctant to do that though cuz I think it will make everything worse for everyone.

Alyssa: What I am reading between the lines here is you protecting your AP, and protecting yourself from what "unhealthy you" doesn't want - your AP becoming your xAP.

I think you know, deep down, that your "healthy you" should be thinking about YOUR betrayed spouse, your AP'S betrayed spouse, and most importantly...YOU.

Sometimes in life we are confronted with doing the right thing for the right reasons...no matter the personal cost. This is an opportunity, right her and right now, for you to do just that. And by doing so, you will be giving yourself a big push in the right direction.

What is your gut telling you? I'm having trouble believing it is what you wrote above.

Isn't it time for you to start to heal you?

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:59 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

My gut is telling me that she needs to know. But I am afraid that it will make things worse. ..I dont want to burn bridges with my boss....if I tell then she is obviously going to fire me and I won't be able to leave on good terms. I am afraid that AP is going to deny it all and I have no proof, only my side of the story


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Really think about what you are contemplating here.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Wow you are a good liar. Had me fooled.

Isn't is sad that you have invested so much energy into this OM who only used you for sex and to pad his ego. He doesn't lurve you.

Last post? A real cop out. If you actually want to get better stick around.

I see now why you haven't tried harder to move home. Still livin in la la land.

Quit the damn job. Now.
You are looking for a good reference from a boss you betrayed and lied to. Facebook chatting instead of doing your job. Cheating with a client whose baby you are supposed to watch. Let me tell you, I AM THE BOSS and nothing is more infuriating than Facebook chatting on work time. There is no way you were doing a good job watching those babies when you were distracted by your Facebook and your AP.

You should quit because you were a bad employee and to seek a false recommendation is dishonest.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Mrs Panda -

If you can't post without belitting someone, stay off the thread.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Alyssa,
You have lied to your husband, your boss, your co-workers and have basically been false with everyone in your life for a very long time.

It is time to get honest with yourself. It is time to stop the lies to yourself. You are not doing yourself any favors by staying where you are. Quit your job. Find another one. Get out now.

Before it blows up into something litigious. Yes, you could be sued.

Go back to school, get the credits you need. Get a your head on straight away from your AP and the AP environment. Don't make any lame excuses.

God just gave you a road map for getting out. Run.

Let your BH send the OBW a disclosure letter and no contact and then both of you go NC.

No more Bull shit.

It's time to put this behind you.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I realize that I have been a very bad employee and know that I deserve to be fired. I acted very unprofessional and inappropriately. I kick myself for that daily.

I'm not trying to just get a good reference from my boss...I want to tell her because I feel bad for lying to her along with everyone else, and I know I need to step up and be honest. It's just hard cuz I don't want to be remembered as "the slurry teacher stupid enough


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Wincing sparkle,

I know you are right. I am still looking for a new job...the situation with my college turned out ok...I spoke to the registrars office and they are going to fix it, so I once again really do have a BS in psychology. I will hear back about one job today and received a call yesterday from another place I sent my resume to...after I spoke to my college.
Once I have a new job lined up I am going to quit this one,tell my boss the truth, and confess to XAP BW. I am not going to have my BH do it. I am going to do it myself


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Alyssa,

I think your focus is sometimes in the wrong place. I agree that the BS has a right to know, but have you discussed this with your BH? Does he want you to tell her? If he wants her to know, is he comfortable with you telling her? Have you discussed this with him?

Is your job the primary income? If not, I think you need to leave it, even if you don't have something else lined up. That could take months. Even if you get two part-time jobs with crappy pay to make up for the income loss, it would be worth it. What could you give up to spend less so you can leave this job? In this case, IMO, the money is just not worth it.

Talk to your BH about it, stop focusing so much on the job, the OM, the OM's BW, and get to the real work...YOU and your marriage. I feel like you focus on the other stuff to avoid looking where you need to be looking---inside you---because the real work is too scary (been there!).


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Authentic,
I agree it would be best to do it all now before I have another job lined up but my BH wants me to wait. His income is the primary but he is also transitioning to a new field and we are unsure when he will start and end his training and begin his new career.
We have discussed it and he wants me to be the one to tell her because he said it will help him regain his trust in me. He also thinks I should tell my boss, but like I said wants me to wait til I find something else. I would prefer to tell her now especially because she is going to be leaving maternity leave any day now.

I know I need to focus on myself more than all this other stuff but I feel like I need to deal with this first.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 31