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User Topic: Do all WS look to cheat before they do?
Blackwidow
New Member
Member # 40450
Stop  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Hello all,
I am a WS, Dday was about 6 months ago. My BS has been kind enough to agree to work things out. I am so very ashamed of what I have done, and for the hurt that I have caused him; and destroying the trust and everything we had along with it. I am desperately trying to do everything I can to help him threw this healing process, while trying to better myself as well (I am a CA survivor and feel I have a lot of personal issues to work out, still).
My question is, my BS and I were talking the other night, and BS said that all WS are intentionally looking to cheat before the opportunity even presents itself. Is this really the case? While I definitely agree that WS's intentionally make the decision to cheat when they did, I do not remember intentionally thinking that I wanted to find a R with OP. Am I just being naive?

Thoughts are welcome.


~I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now~

Me: 22
BS: 26

Together 7 years; married for 3.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Hi Blackwidow,

Welcome to SI. You will find the support that you need here.

I don't know if I was looking to cheat, but I do know that I definitely put myself at risk and was putting the signals out because of where I let myself go with my mindset. Instead of going to my BH when I had concerns and resentments building up, I found myself looking for fulfillment elsewhere, and talking to the wrong people about it. That led to an EA.

After my EA, I resolved nothing in ME, and I started behaving inappropriately and created toxic friendships, and allowed all my boundaries to break down, which led to multiple PAs.

So, while we may not plan to cheat, we definitely set ourselves up for it by behaving and thinking a certain way, kwim?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37573 | Registered: Sep 2007
Blackwidow
New Member
Member # 40450
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

authenicnow,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I definitely have to say that I set myself up for, and I willing stepped out of my marriage boundaries. I completely own that. This was just something that was on my mind; I felt I needed to know whether or not I was over-looking something, and if so, accept it.


~I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now~

Me: 22
BS: 26

Together 7 years; married for 3.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I didn't "plan" on it. But like authenticnow said, I kind of set myself up for it. Instead of turning towards my husband, I turned away. Ended up in EA Central.

I took deliberate steps seeking validation, but didn't realize till too late that I was in full on cheater zone.

Guess it's kind of a yes and no answer.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I didn't go looking for it, but I had very lax boundaries and a desire for validation besides what I got from my marriage. I was open for the opportunity when it arose.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2135 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I was basically the same as heartbroken. Very low self-esteem and looking for validation from someone other than myself or my H. I also tend to think abandonment issurs played a small part in it as well - "leave" my H before he could leave me, KWIM? But no, I didn't start out looking to cheat but I *did* choose to given the opportunity. It's called the slippery slope for a reason.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Are you in IC for your CA damage? It has helped me a lot.

I cheated deliberately, I signed up on Ashley Madison and had two EA/PAs.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1177 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Blackwidow
New Member
Member # 40450
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Thank you so much everyone, for all of your replys. heartbroken0903 and Clarrissa, I too have this issue. The more I have reflected on the whole situation, I realize that I am always looking for external validation, especially from men. I grew up with a very rough relationship with my father; really no relationship at all. Although he and my mother are still together, they hate eachother (I am not exaggerating). There was a lot of spousal and child abuse growing up; my father was an CSA survivor, that has never really dealt with any of his issues. As much as I know he did not want to repeat the pattern he grew up with, a lot of his "growing-up" seeped onto us, in how he dealt with us (especially myself).
My mother has also been a WS for years; there's actually quite a bit of doubt that I, the youngest of my mother's children, is even biologically my father's. I have often wondered if this is the reason why our relationship, especially was more rough than any of the other children.
My father and I have recently started a "superficial-relationship", since I had my son two years ago; before that, there was no acknowledgement that I existed, other when abuse occurred.

To answer your question 20WrongsVs1, I have done a lot of respressing, which I know is not going me a lot of good. I am finally acknowledging that I cannot pretend like things never happened, and that I need to work these things out.


~I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now~

Me: 22
BS: 26

Together 7 years; married for 3.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

It was not planned but AP often mentioned there were very clear signals that I would respond to any advances.

I knew what I was doing during the bantering. I was flirting and being inappropriate. I liked the attention. I thought I could control it and it would remain friendly. Instead I got hooked and it escalated into a full blown affair.

It started off by me using him for an "ego boost". I got attached. He said all the right things. I ignored any rational voices in my head. I justified and rationalised my way through 2 and half years of betrayal.

There was no intention as such but there was definitely an intention to escape my real life and go into a fantasy world.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9