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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: PleaseAny stories on what it takes for them to finally "get it"?
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

What things have to happen to the WS/WW/WH/STBX...to make them see how crazy they are acting and understand the catastrophic impact of their actions??

I am not looking for R, but I want some remorse, some recognition of what a train wreck has been created by his actions. How can they they say, I am so sorry, I am taking responsibility, I was not living in integrity, but now I am....and still be in this other relationship and NOT really seeing the impact and NOT really showing remorse or seeing what this will do to the family?

I want him to get it and feel bad, that will help with getting what I want in the eventual D, but also help get to an amiable situation for our children?

Any stories on what it takes for them to GET IT??

For any of you that ever had them come out of their "fog" or realize what an EPIC catastrophe they have created....what triggered that awakening?? or do they just live in denial forever...


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

I'd love to know myself. I've heard sometimes they don't admit it until years later.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Some never get it. Ever. My X has never gotten it and he never will.

Whether they ever get it or not is completely out of your control. There is nothing that you can do or say that will make them get it, so it is best to just let it go.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

sleepless,

I am going to try to be gentle here but I do not know if I know how.

If you are not looking for R then the healthiest thing you can do is to put any hope for regret or remore from your ex out of your mind. I too really hoped I could get some feeling of understanding of what xWW did to me and to our family. But she never got it. She came close whenb her own son became a BH and had to live what I had been going through for a year. For a short while she realized what she had done to me but the best I got was that she was sorry how she handled blowing up our M. So regret. No remorse. And I do not think I will ever see it. It bothers me at times but I've come to realize that the sooner I can just forget everything we had together, the healthier I will be. I just have to focus on me and my moving forward.

Sorry for being a downer but I really recommend that you focus you energy on YOU and don't waste any space in your head on your ex.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3322 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Meh, that is unfortunate. Not surprising, but unfortunate.

It is probably a defense mechanism to be able to live with themselves.

I will let it go, getting D, it is what it is...
but I am going to make him miserable in the process. He will wish he was dead.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

I'm wondering if you should read posts in the Wayward or Reconciliation forums to get a sense of remorseful WS's thinking/perspective. Or maybe post this question in I Can Relate under "questions for the WS".

It seems that many of us in this forum are here because our WS's never get their head out of their asses.

But if you DO find out, PLEASE let me know


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Oct 2012
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

My XWH thought he got it when his AP left him and I started dating after the D. What he was REALLY sorry about was how he f*ucked up HIS life. I got the apology, but I didn't ever get a sense of empathy for what he put me and our sons through. I don't think he is capable of "getting it" which is why it was such a good thing that he filed for D and didn't put me through more pain trying to R.

Sometimes you just have to let go - you can't control him, you can only be the captain of your own ship.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7644 | Registered: Aug 2005
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Let it go. Move on with your life. Try & get to a place in your head where what he thinks or feels just doesn't matter.

(((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9283 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I understand what you are going through but it is something you will have to accept: that you will never know.

My ex showed zero remorse. He was full of regret but not remorse. He has absolutely no idea about the pain he has caused to me and our children and I doubt he ever will. He is not the kind of person to look inside himself and fix what is broken, not even for the sake of his children. He is far too cowardly for that.

Denial is a way to keep living in their fantasy land and make themselves believe they are good people.

Keep strong, it will get easier.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Sleepless,

I really relate to this question. I have accepted that the person I thought he was is a fantasy. I've accepted that he is a coward and he was (and is) really screwing me and the kids in the worst way possible. It's a heartache...

I think its just really hard to let go of wanting some sort of justice. To me the minimum would be that he is held accountable for his actions. I know that he will be - financially, but never on an emotional level.

I think a lot of the waywards are so consumed with their own pain that they lack the capacity to think of their spouses and childrens pain. It sucks.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I can totally relate to this. My friends and family tried to tell me in the beginning that it didn't matter what he thinks unless he is doing everything he can to reconcile. I didn't get it then but I get it now.

I was the one who needed to get it. He hasn't changed his tune in 6 months. He doesn't see the damage he's done. He minimizes and justifies everything. I kept trying to make him see...it only made me crazier.

Last night a family friend came to see the baby and she said, boy, if he can stay away from this adorable baby (our miracle baby we tried really hard to conceive) then nothing is going to make him see.

I think Strongbutbroken said it best in another thread: you have to look at his lack of remorse as a gift.

Truer words were never spoken.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Some never do. It has been 19 years since this first started for me, he never "got it." Just continued doing it and had another affair and left us 8 years ago. Still doesn't think he did anything wrong even though he destroyed our marriage and our family. Doesn't understand why I'm not "friends" with him and won't have any contact.

Expects his children to respect him and visit him, acting like nothing happened when he abandoned us and bought a new house for OW and her kids and lives 100 miles away.

For some people, they just don't. There is nothing you can do to convince them. You have to let it go.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7456 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I wasted a lot of time hoping he would "get it." I finally realized he doesn't, and probably never will. He was always about "family comes first," yet he has no problems walking away from that same family. I have come to the conclusion that his head is so far up his ass that it will take surgical intervention to remove and, alas, that is not going to happen. He will take his denial to his grave, and there will likely be no one at his funeral... sucks to be him!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 974 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Until you start living your own life in integrity and then STOP looking to see what the other person is doing or not doing....you will never get to a place of either of you "getting it".

You have to release the outcome. As boring as that sounds. As much as you read this and think you know better....it really is the answer.

I stopped checking on my then WS, I stopped answering his texts, emails or voicemails, until I went to IC and worked on myself and my own issues I really cound not control or know what he was doing.

At some point it will become clear.


Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I feel the same. Except I do want reconcilliation. And he isn't with the OW. His EA was a catalyst to him realizing he was unhappy in the marriage and instead of working on it, he was a coward and ran away.

I hope one day soon he "gets it" but I guess I can't hold my breath.

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I feel the same. Except I do want reconcilliation. And he isn't with the OW. His EA was a catalyst to him realizing he was unhappy in the marriage and instead of working on it, he was a coward and ran away.

I hope one day soon he "gets it" but I guess I can't hold my breath.

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Well, it is sad and depressing to hear that there will likely not be any "aha" moment for "the douche" and there will not be any justice.

I get it. I am working on me. It is hard, I thought I knew this person so well after almost 15 years together. And he is stranger. He is a coward, who is weak, and selfish and who has no idea the pain he has and still is causing ME and the kids.

I am not speaking with him. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I like the one some one siad her WH had about regret vs remorse. He says he has remorse, but he does not. I guess he never will.

I regret that I now have to deal with the mess he has made of our family life. It it is going to be a shit storm.

Emotionally, financially, physically. Everything about my life, and the kids lives is going to change. I am going to have to go back to work. That means the kids will get less of my time, and get to do less activities after school, I am going to be more tired, more exhausted. We probably will have to move. The kids will lose their friends, their security, their stability, their trust. We are going to blow through all of our savings on lawyers and therapists and supporting 2 households instead of one.

And for what? Me and the kids give it all so he can have sex with an old whore in an open marriage that he met in a sex chat room and then "feel in love with?" And apparently he thinks it was worth it, because he is still in this relationship.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Mine never got it and he never will. He's never shown an ounce of remorse. It is a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. You just have to get to the place where you accept that it's never going to happen and start to focus on yourself instead of what he is thinking.

I know. Easier said than done .


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Aug 2010
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

My Dday was less than a year ago and so far Ex hasn't been anywhere near "getting it". Not even for a minute.

My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and the affair with my mom's best friend was 15 years ago. Even after watching his only child (me) go through infidelity, he STILL doesn't "get it." It doesn't seem to have even crossed my father's mind that what his daughter is going through is what he put my mother (and other woman) through his whole life. I'm pretty sure that there is nothing that will make my father see the pain and devastation he has caused.

He has never and likely will never acknowledge what he did, not even when he attempted to console me Ex blew up our family. It was rather surreal to have the man who destroyed my FOO to try to console me when my husband destroyed the family I created with him. That is one of the reasons I have no hope that Ex will one day wake up and feel bad about what he has done. It's possible but I don't expect it. He'll likely have many days of feeling sorry for HIMSELF whenever his poor decisions cause him hardship, just like my father, but will continue to be incapable or just unwilling to think about anything from someone else's perspective.

OP, it seems best to expect that they will never get it..PERIOD. If he comes around.. great, but if he does it probably won't be because of anything you said or did.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I am right there with you. I think he has caused too much damage to ever consider R, but I still want him to get it. I want him to realize how much pain he has caused me and his daughter. He still doesn't see how this is affecting anyone but him.

It's so upsetting and I know everyone is right when they say you have to focus on yourself and just let it go. But how do you get to the point where you can let it go? That is the part I am struggling with so badly.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I'm certainly not holding my breath for the Gnat to get it. I doubt that day will come.

This did happen to my aunt, about 40 years later. Her WXH up and left her for an OW when she had two, small children. He had no remorse and took her for everything. She was literally left with nothing financially (this was back in the '60's). She went to school though and became a nurse. She never re-married and raised her kids alone as he was a shitty dad too.

The OW he left her for left him a few years later. They had a baby together during that time and my aunt became somewhat friendly with her over the years. They kept in contact for the kids. She said they eventually were able to laugh together about what a complete douchebag he was.

Anyway, a few years ago he called my aunt out of the blue and apologized for everything. Said he never should have left her and that he was sorry he left her in such bad financial shape. He offered her some money. She basically told him to shove it and that she was not interested in his money. He is now in a nursing home with dementia and none of his kids visit him.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 6:29 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 809 | Registered: Mar 2013
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Well, I'm what...6 years out now? Something like that anyway. Ex is exactly how he was when he started cheating. He is still the victim, and his life is horrible because of everyone else. Never him. He jumps from woman to woman and job to job. Because nothing ever makes him happy.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4475 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

No - my XH is actually further away from awareness the more time goes on. Last week he ran into my brother's wife whom he has not seen since D-day and expected his traditional warm hug from her. He was livid when she refused. Does. Not. Get. It.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 30th (Friday)

trebleclef, your post reminded me about how a good friend of mine saw ex a couple of months ago when they both picked their children up from kindergarten at the same time.

My friend always made an effort with ex and they went clubbing together a few times. Now he wants nothing to do with my ex. When my ex saw him he tried smiling at him to get his attention but my friend point blanked him. Then ex wandered off looking all sad and poor me. As if any of my friends would want anything to do with him now, they only ever speak to my children when ex is there.

He will not ever get it!

It must be a real gift to be able to have such a big ego and be so self-centred.

I do wish he would at least try and fix himself for the sake of our two young children but all I can do is be a brilliant mum to them. And thankfully I am their main carer.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, August 30th (Friday)

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.

This is what I think is the crux of the matter. I'm relatively certain that if I asked my XH if it was all worth it, he'd say it was. But ... internally, scream it wasn't it. However, his big, fat useless fucking ego would demand that he put up the show that he did the right thing by cheating & destroying our M.

I have a handful of friends/acquaintances that have destroyed their M's by having an A (or more). They ALL put up the front that it's all for the best, but reading betwixt the lines, I'm not so sure that they really believe that. But, having gone so far down the path, they're stuck w/the crappy decision they've already made.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, August 30th (Friday)

My mom left my dad for the final OM when I was 8yo. She M the OM and eventually cheated on him too.

That was 32yrs ago.

She has, at different times in her life, expressed that she should've picked my dad. Not that what she did in cheating on him, just which one she picked when all was said and done.

Unless a WS looks at their issues (R or D) whatever it is that allowed them to cheat to begin with is still there. They can't even comprehend that doing something they wanted would be wrong.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
foxglove
Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I'm seven years out, but about three years ago, my XH did apologize for cheating, but he quickly moves toward the same old "but I was really hurting and I didn't feel loved, and that's why I did it". So, he recognizes what he's done and I believe is sorry, but he doesn't really get it. At no point along the way, does he mention my pain or the pain he has caused the kids.


He knows he has done something wrong and is sorry for his actions, but it's still all about him.


Basically, I think the great life he thought he was going to have with the OW didn't work out the way he thought it would, and he is regretful for what he has lost. He lost a loving wife, great kids, a nice home and a comfortable way of life, but doesn't really get that it was all his poor decision making.

I say this very gently, I think on the D forum, you're not going to hear that kind of thing very often.

I've found that the old saying, living well is the best revenge to be the best goal possible.

[This message edited by foxglove at 6:49 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Yes, I think you are right. This is the Divorce Forum afterall....if these F**Kers were remorseful, maybe you all wouldn't be here right now.

For me, I don't think I would ever R because the damage is too horrific, but I could HEAL better, be a better co-parent for the kids if he showed empathy.

In Divorce counseling, I said you haven't shown remorse and he said, yes, I have remorse.

(Okay, imagine some dramatic movie soundtrack music, get out the flying unicorns, rainbows, and other mythical creatures for this fantasy sequence...) I said, "no, remorse would have been- I am truly sorry for the terrible choices I have made, It is over with her, and I will do anything I have to do to try and make it up to you and our beautiful family. I understand why you might hate me right now, why you locked me out of the house and secured financial assets from joint accounts- because I betrayed you, you don't trust me and you shouldn't be expected to- but hopefully someday I can show you how sorry I am and maybe one day you will forgive me...."

OK EVERYONE, YOU CAN STOP LAUGHING NOW! I know I won't get it, but Damn it! That is what I want!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Basically, I think the great life he thought he was going to have with the OW didn't work out the way he thought it would, and he is regretful for what he has lost. He lost a loving wife, great kids, a nice home and a comfortable way of life, but doesn't really get that it was all his poor decision making.

This. This. This. I think one of the biggest differences between a wayward who becomes remoreseful and one who NEVER does is their ability to correlate the consequences to their actions!

It's something I thought adults generally could do. I'm having a hard time getting that some people go through life unable to grasp cause and effect when it relates to their actions.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

I, too, have spent time with the thoughts posted here.

I, too, have gotten actual "I'm Sorry"'s. I get "I understands".

But, do you know what? They hurt. Rather than act as a bandaid, the words hurt and border on insulting, it feels like I am being mocked, because of the thought that he may have sorrow for all he did but is doing it anyway. He plotted and planned all along and he knew.

He knows he F'd up and is still doing it and he knows how much he is ruining our lives-destroyed our lives completely and forever -and did.not.care.

Yes, he lives now in this vast, barren land of denial with OW and acts very happy, actually. It's like he had a midlife crisis and got stuck in it, he was even going down memory lane last year ...

He downplays it around me, but I've overhead it and witnessed it, an almost maniacal laughter and such a change in personality he is hardly recognizable-it's so juvenile that it helps me detach more.

Yes, he, too is life's proverbial victim and as such blames all of his problems on me, though I'm nowhere to be seen or heard in his daily living now, like Weatherly had to say. He, too, moves from job to job and place to stay varies as he burns bridges.

The karma bus has run him down a few times, but always it's not his fault, in true NPD style.

I'm sorry for your hurt and hard times and we face them too, along with a lot of confusion about being replaced...it is said by most who know the story that OW will eventually be replaced too, because if someone won't fix their problems and just changes people, they won't ever be "happy".


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

My WW will probably never get it either. She lies to her parents, her co-workers, her boss. She takes their sympathy that we've "grown apart" and "want different things". Poor me. Meanwhile she goes to his house every day after work.

The truth is she will struggle financially for quite a while unless she shacks up with her new guy when the house sells. She hasn't handled finances in 9 years. She won't be able to afford the lifestyle she has in mind when she blew up our M. That used to bother me be now it doesn't. I'm done wasting time and burning calories on what she wants and needs. I am working hard to let her go. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But I'm looking forward to my new life. Do the same.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm new in this forum. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.

My WH isn't close to getting it. A couple of weeks back he wanted to R with me, and this was probably our 5th round of back and forth, multiple ddays, and new lies....and he was still cake eating come to find out.

So, maybe its just too soon for him to feel remorse. 2 weeks back he was telling OW they would soon be watching sunsets together, while promising me the world on the same day.

So, I went NC with him.

He sent DD a text 3 nights ago, with a recent photo of he and I together and he wrote "can't stop looking at this photo of me and ur mom". Don't like him doing that, but I ignored it. DD didn't respond to that text. (though she does text him on other stuff)

Which isn't remorse. But I'm sure he is in pain. This is the longest he and I haven't spoken. The longest we have ever gone not seeing eachother.

Its been good for me. Its what I need to move on from him.

So, possibly the only thing that has any serious impact is silence, and filing the papers.

But do it for you.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 12:22 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
hopeandchange
Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

OMG it all rings do true! My stbxww has to continually tell me things to justify her A. Like it's all about personality and desire. Stbxww has to tell me and herself that she is a good person. She cannot stop her A-D oft she will fall Apart

Her ego will not let her face reality that cheating is wrong or she will self destruct, poof! So stbxww tells me our M was a mistake

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I, too, have gotten actual "I'm Sorry"'s. I get "I understands".

Same here. These and other crumbs of hope were what kept me in limbo for so long. But my head was buried in the sand. She never "got it." Ever. Her "Sorrys" were for herself, not for the destruction of our family. Her "I understands" meant nothing. I now see that as meaning, "I acknowledge what has happened," not "I understand what I have done."

I think I will always wonder if someday she will "get it." I don't believe she ever will, as it would entail superwoman-like strength to look deep within herself, past the layers upon layers of justification, blame, anger, etc. to her very core of selfishness and remorse.

This would take amazing courage, humility, empathy--and a desire to change. It would take a great deal of time and pain. She is simply incapable, as painful as this is to admit to myself.

I used to think so highly of her; I loved her so much.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Strongmama
Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Well I'm not surprised to see there are few to none remorseful spouses here who got it.
Mine is so busy lying to himself and everyone around him he will never ever get it. He's a sad; broken liar.
I only hope my boys don't turn out like him..they spend very little time with him thank God, and never have!
Sad stuff. I think he might actually believe his lies. Sicko.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

So, I am reading a book called the break up bible. THere is a part about this need to get justification and closure. I like this!

"If you are seeking validation from your ex, you are hoping (fantasizing) that he will apologize and take responsibility. That he will tell you he made a huge mistake. That you didn't do anything wrong, it was all his crisis and had nothing to do with you. That he acknowledges he has destryoed the life you shared together, and in turn, ruined your life. That he takes responsibility for hurting your children and shattering their stability. THat his or her affair/addiction/dishonesty/whatever was a huge blunder and should not have happened."

"It is extremely important and necessary to get validation and closure= but chances are you will never get it from your ex."

"You do not need validation or closure from your ex. Attempting to get it is a huge waste of your time and energy. It will make you feel drained and deranged, and will derail your healing. It is completely unnecessary and even dangerous."

"You can get it from friends, family, your therapist and eventually you will get it from yourself." The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be."

So, I guess that sums up where I am. He won't get, and I have to stop needing him to. Check. Got it. Working on it!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Great post - a lot of this resonates with me - and makes my path a lot clearer. Thank you!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I've struggled with this as well. For awhile it mattered tremendously.

Now that I'm finally reaching that nirvana of Indifference, not so much. Do I still hope he gets it at some point? Of course. The difference is that what he does or does not recognize now NO longer matters to me and, more importantly, to my healing. THAT is peace.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4374 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I am now 2.5 years from dday. Has WXW 'got it'? I don't know. Sure I have had the tearful apologies and the thinly veiled comments suggesting regret. I believed then and still do that any regret she has is about the impact of all of this on HER.

She has never really faced up to the pain she caused me, and can't ever go there about the kids. Being the good mum is such a part of who she thinks she is that the very idea that she was MIA for over a year while destroying their family is not something she can even think about.

Deep down does she know it? Yeah probably - that's the guilt and shame.

But she lied. She lied to me, to friends, to family, to her own kids. She still does. She cried on their shoulders about the end of her marriage and how hard it all was. One of two of them I think did tell her to STFU. Most didn't. Most bought it. I don't see them now.

However, the truth is I really don't know if she gets it and, more importantly, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to know either - I don't speak to her about these things and I don't ask her friends about it either. I am not interested. I had to work at this - at first it was pure willpower that stopped me, but now its easy - easy because I realised that it makes no difference now.

In many cases I think we will never know just what they think and feel about their actions. They need to protect themselves so construct whatever set of beliefs they need to in order to do that. It is a poor use of our time and emotional energy to speculate on this. Much better to focus on ourselves and on getting to a better place than to dwell on whether or not our waywards finally understand what they have done. Life's too short.


Divorced

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2011
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I am truly sorry for the terrible choices I have made, It is over with her, and I will do anything I have to do to try and make it up to you and our beautiful family. I understand why you might hate me right now, why you locked me out of the house and secured financial assets from joint accounts- because I betrayed you, you don't trust me and you shouldn't be expected to- but hopefully someday I can show you how sorry I am and maybe one day you will forgive me...."

I heard this. Almost verbatim. At the time, I thought I heard the music playing too.

It was all a lie. He was still f***ing her.


Me: Forever Changed
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

So far this week I have been "accepting" the situation. Not okay with it of course, but "accepting" that it is what it is and I can't change it- I didn't choose it- but now I am stuck with it.

I am letting go of some of the anger waiting for some validation from MR. Integrity. I know it ain't never gonna happen... or if it does it will be too little, too late.

Now, I am trying to focus on the "what do I do now." There are logistical things that need to be figured out. Parenting things. Financial things. All so hard when there is ZERO trust and ZERO communication except some business like emails every few days.

All my feelings of safety and security are gone. It is hard to not know if he is going to close out the joint credit card any minute, or stop paying the mortgage. Or decide to just go and pick the kids up from school and not tell me. Or introduce skank OW to our kids.

I can accept the situation but it sure does feel shitty...


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Topic Posts: 41