3. I am leaning towards R, but I am afraid he will get impatient with the amount of time it is going to take for me to heal from his betrayals. How do I know that he is committed?
I wish I had the answers to these questions. I'm not 100% sure I want to R at this point, but agreed to wait at least a few months before making a decision to R or D. I also agreed to go to MC during this time. WH wants to R and expresses this constantly. I suppose if he becomes impatient with the time it's taking me to heal, that would be a pretty good indicator that he isn't serious about my healing, which is absolutely necessary for R.
3a. I am working on a list of conditions for R. I am listing all the things I expect and need from him. What would you put on your list?
I'm still working on a list of boundaries and consequences for my WH. Right now, I only have some deal breakers established. The BS FAQ section of the Healing Library was very helpful in making this list. The consequences for crossing any of these boundaries are he'll have to move out and R will be off the table. The deal breakers include:
1. He must have NC with his APs. He must tell me if any of them attempt to contact him. And of course no new affairs.
2. He must must be completely honest and open with me. No more lies. He must answer any questions I ask about the As honestly, if I ask him where he is, he better tell me the truth, etc.
3. He has to be completely transparent regarding all of his activities. I have the passwords to his email accounts, facebook, voicemail, etc. I have access to his phone anytime. He cannot delete any emails, texts, voicemails, etc without me knowing before hand.
4. He must attend IC to work on himself and figure out why he would cheat in the first place.
5. He must limit contact with a coworker who helped facilitate the As. No more contact about anything unrelated to work, no more socializing outside of work, no more discussing our relationship with said coworker. The coworker was not a friend to our marriage and if WH is serious about R, he cannot remain friends with the coworker.
There are several other boundaries I feel need to be set, but I'm having trouble coming up with very specific, appropriate consequences for crossing them. I'm interested to read others' feedback on this question.