SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: hypocrite
confusedsad
New Member
Member # 39298
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

My oldest kids are 14 and 15. Whenever we talk about sex, I feel like my husband is such a hypocrite. Like last night, she was telling us a story her drill coach told her. It boiled down to her telling the girls to stay away from boys. Don't have sex. But if they aren't going to listen to her, at least be safe.

I just sit there and fume. My own husband couldn't last 1 week dating someone before having sex. Unprotected at that. How in the world am I going to be able to expect teenagers not too. I am a huge believer in abstinence. I thought my husband was too. Boy was I wrong. How is it possible to teach values when dealing with a husband who had none?


Me- Betrayed - married 16 years
Him- 2 week affair with someone at work
9 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013 | From: confusedsad
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

You continue telling them your values and if you have to , use your husband's example of the destruction that can happen when you use the other person for your own satisfaction. (if they know about it) Talk about respect, feelings and expectations that the other person can have after having careless sexual encounters. If nothing else, it should have a shaming effect on husband. Does he really want his kids out having sex at that age? Does he feel like a hypocrite? You look like a new member so the topic of sex is going to be hard to discuss.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

This will be our reality in the near future...my girls are growing up fast!

I look at this as an opportunity rather then something to hide and NOT use.

My wife and I have talked about her affair....how she had unprotected sex multiple times...and took a man at his word that he had been "fixed", my wife NOT on birth control, and no..absolutely NO discussion of past sexual history or STD's present....they simply had reckless unprotected sex. We both feel that when our girls are old enough we will discuss this with them.

When the talks occur my wife can absolutely relate to urges and feelings that lead to poor decisions...and hopefully we will share it in a way that makes our girls comfortable to come to us, or at least listen more intently when we speak about sex. Kind of like parents who used drugs or alcohol can use real life experiences to say "Hey, I have been their done that....here is what I felt afterwards and the scares it created in me".

To be sure....this really sucks and it COULD be hipocritical if your husband would say "I would never have unprotected sex" or "I always had sex with someone I loved and had deep feelings for" to your daughter.

But I dont think he is saying that....he may have during your dating days or during your marriage....but he isnt professing this same ridgid standard to your daughter right now.

Gently....this sucks, it really does. But the facts are what they are. Is it possible for you to visit with your husband on this topic...voice your feelings well before you have conversations with your daughter about sex?

I have a few years before we will have this talk...so I havent thought it all out yet...but I really think this could benefit a family....especially if you and I and other BS's can actually R our marriage following this extreme trauma caused by our fWS hormones and lack of logic during critical decision making times.

In many ways our fWS's WERE teenage like in their actions...sneaking away to a remote woods trail to make out, slip into the back of a car, using a friends house....if you think about it they are doing what teenagers typically do. Shocking in my situation is that my wife NEVER did that as a teenager...

Speaking of teenage like reactions....I wanted to go beat up the AP! Hows that for maturity. But I never wanted to beat a guy up for kissing my GF in highschool...I simply moved on to another girl. Not wanting to do that now...

Maybe 40 is the new 17?!?!

Do we change that much from teenagers? Maybe we just better at hiding that part of us. Actually, in many ways, I feel like I have matured emotionally more in the past 11 months then I did over the previous 2 decades....and this is a good thing. sucks to have grown through this stimulation...but it is a positive step. We should be better prepared to support our teenagers as they move into adulthood...right?

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:53 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3688 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
confusedsad
New Member
Member # 39298
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Thanks for the replies. All the girls know is that their dad had a girlfriend. They haven't wanted a lot of details. I keep making openings for them but they don't really want to know.

I have talked about it with husband, but I just get so frustrated and disgusted still at his choices. My girls aren't close to being sexually active yet, but I know the 16--18 year hormones are crazy. I guess this has just floored me. And everything I believe. I wish the shock factor would wear off. Thanks again.


Me- Betrayed - married 16 years
Him- 2 week affair with someone at work
9 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013 | From: confusedsad
Topic Posts: 4