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User Topic: How to be transparent
needhelptoday
New Member
Member # 40315
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I want to know what it means to be transparent? How can I be transparent?


Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Hi, this is a crazy time for you both...

Please read about the fog. I see by your profile things heated up quickly between you and a co-worker...your time frame is similar to my wifes affair. The fog was thick with her. So see where you are at with morning the loss of this relationship with the OW....be real and be honest. Not only do the lies to your wife need to stop, they need to stop within you too.

Order the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair....read it, and apply it.

Don't ever make excuses to yourself or your wife as to why your affair happened. You will be tempted to do this...when it happens dig under the excuse and see what caused you to come up with that excuse. Figure out what is broken in you to make adultery a valid option for dealing with life. Fully accept that adultery has biblical basis for divorce, that it has caused people to react violently, and that your marriage is very much in jeopardy of ending.

Let your wife into that journey as often as you can, but don't interact with her about the affair if you are in the fog....while in the fog you will believe things to be factually correct that later you will regret so much....many times it appears marriages fail because of how the fWS acts after the affair is discovered.

Passwords to all email accounts, cell phone bills, you sharing your daily schedules (in detail) with your wife is how to show transparency.

Bring up how you are feeling about the affair even if your wife is not mentioning it. NEVER assume that she is NOT thinking about it...trust me, for the next 6 months it is going to be on her mind all the time.

That's a lot to offer to you....I am truly sorry you are both are going through this. I sincerely don't wish this trauma on anyone...WS or BS included.

Prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. My wifes affair was 4-5 months total....have been in weekly counseling for 11 months....the costs are tremendous. Insanely high compared to what she got from her short fling. So don't think that just because it was a short duration affair that the damage is any less traumatic for her.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:30 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, August 30th (Friday)

To be sure you made a terrible mistake and damage is done...but you have not failed. You failed to keep your vows, but you have not failed your marriage yet.

Other BS, don't stone me please.

We are all sinners....I have done things that do not honor and cherish my wife in the light I took my vows in, so I have made mistakes too.

Adultery is a big one...but I have read many books and follow many members on this site....have also talked in depth with our counselor on this.......affairs don't have to spell certain doom for a marriage.

If you can pace yourself and have the fortitude to help your wife through her healing process while digging for answers you don't yet possess but must get to R your marriage...you will NOT have failed.

Guilt and shame have a place...they can bump you back to a healthy path. But if you use them past their intended purpose and use them as excuses for NOT moving towards that healthy path they become sinful in nature.

You now know better, so you are commanded to do better.

I will say a specific prayer for you both this morning.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:41 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:00 AM, August 30th (Friday)

Needhelptoday,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37591 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 4