User Topic: I ended the dance
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 30th (Friday)

A couple of weeks ago I posted about the end of my paying spousal support.

About a week later I got the following e-mail from xWW:

I am asking to increase child support (by 50%) a month. I have the kids half time and I don't believe I get half time value. For the month of July I had them more than half the time and I know you will continue to have business trips. If someone needs something I stop after work and get them what they need. If DS13 wants a book on his Kindle I buy him a book. DS12 wants to download a game on his Xbox I let them download. That would be $XXX deposited twice a month which I think is reasonable. I hope we can come to agreement

I've really been fretting about this and trying to decide what the right thing is to do. Prior to this afternoon, all she got was crickets. I've discussed it with both my IC and GF. What bothers me the most is the comment about "not getting half the value" from the children. Who places monetary value on their children? If she asked for some more help because she was struggling, then I would help. I'm not heartless. But I am sick of the sense of entitlement she has.

So today I deposited only what the agreement called for plus a small additional amount that we agreed to that is within the bounds of our agreement.

This afternoon I finally replied after I made the deposit:

I just deposited $XXX into your account. $XXX for Child Support per the agreement, $YY for DS13's phone and $ZZ to cover the cost of two gate passes for you and DSS18 that I said I'd give you the other day. I am really not interested in renegotiating the child support amount. I provided over a year of spousal support to help you out while you searched for a full time job. Plus I continue to pay the note on the van and you still have one more payment from whatever bonus I get next April. This spousal support money was in good faith as it would not have been ordered by the court had we not reached an agreement which also spells out our custody and child support payments.

We do have the verbal agreement that I will help with some portion of expenses directly for the kids such as we did with the new clothes you bought at the end of the school year. If the kids need supplies or clothes or shoes, we can discuss and agree on splitting these costs as appropriate. As far as games and extras are concerned, this is your choice to do as you see fit and does not involve me. I will purchase DS13 a new basic phone. Please activate it on his old number so that we can get in touch with him. Otherwise I will stop paying the money for the phone as I do not want to continue to pay for something that is not being used. I will also get a pay per month phone for DS12.

Regarding July, It was your request for the kids to be with you three weeks. I agree that you had them for a longer amount of time in July and I do want to get an extra week or part of a week in September to make up for this time. We can discuss this after the holiday.

DS13 lost his cell phone at the end of the school year and I've asked her to get him a new phone twice. I've been paying for a cell phone that is not being used for a while now.

This really had me triggering after I made the deposit but once I sent the reply e-mail I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. We'll see how this weekend goes and how much grief she hurls at me in response.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Sounds like a great response.

In my head I'm thinking "Hey you should be stepping up to pay for 1/2 their expenses."

You are right in that you don't have to fund her "disney mom" decisions.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52570 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 30th (Friday)

My 2 cents...If child support needs to be increased then your XWW needs to go to the court to modify support. I personaly wouldn't give her any additional money. If the kids NEED something and you feel like its warranted then you can buy it for them. entertainment items like games and books are not necessary, nice to have, but not necessary. Handing out money to the XWW only gives her a sense of control over you and builds distrust and resentment within you.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 30th (Friday)

As an XBW I agree with this ^^^^^^

She can go to court at anytime to try to modify the amount.

I wish my XH were reasonable (like you) about paying for extras like phones, and gate passes.

Keep to the agreement. She has options and one of them is to say 'No' to the kids.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5256 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Thanks everyone. I am pushing for the phones because I hate when I cannot get in touch with the kids. The two boys are in middle school and I think that is a good age for them to start learning to be responsible with a phone. DS12 joined the band so I am sure there will be times he wants to stay late at school for practice and the like. I just want to be able to contact them if I need to.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Absolutely PERFECT response.

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

Great response to end the dance. XW wife needs tp be careful what she thinks she is entitled to.

I know of two people that went for modification and both "won"an increase but lost on the percentage of extras. Like you, the XH paid without issues. Both were unhappy with new arrangement because of school expenses. can you say DUMB ?

Carry on Dad, you doing great !


It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20382 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 31st (Saturday)

She needs to be careful. I know of one situation very similar to yours and the father asked for more custodial time. He ended up with 50/50 (up from 25/75) and the XWW in that case had a HUGE drop in child support.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Excellent response! You SHOULD feel a great weight off your shoulders!! I also agree with the others that if there is any modification in CS, it NEEDS to be done through the court. That's to protect both of you.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

I have the kids half time and I don't believe I get half time value.

I am not defending your XWW in any way, but I must say that I think she was poorly expressing that she didn't feel she had enough financial support for having them half-time. The discussion was about support.

Are you willing to buy them the odd game or kindle book for use when they are with you? In this day and age, they are standards that most kids get.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Since she asked for the extra week in July, seems that was a one-off situation. So let her comment slide.

As for the phone, why don't you get the phone for your son and just continue on with you cell phone plan? I don't understand why you are asking her to get the phone, if you want to continue cell phone contact, don't give her the power to keep you disconnected.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

OK, I'm a little shook up. Not too much but unsettled. Last night I pulled up my e-mail and there was the reply. 4 rapid fire responses filled with venom.

Oh u r wrong! The court could and would have ordered u to pay more and u were terrified of that. My lawyer wanted to fight hard to get me more which he easily could have but u did not want to do that. I ket it slide. U act like u did me a big favor u did nothin of the sort. U just want to be in control. Call the shots. Act like u were so wronged and u r a big great man. Well bullshit I was wronged by u! In more ways than I can count. Ass!

Georgia law clearly states that alimody is awarded except in 6 situations one of which is adultery. Yes I can prove it. Two different ways.

And No I refuse to give u extra time in September. It is NOT going to happen!

Being married to u was 13 years of ny life wasted!

Oh and tuesday night church classes when I have the kids won't happen also. I have limited time with the kids due to work so when it is my time with them they r with me. U will no longer call all the shots!

Tuesday nights are when the kids have their religious education classes. Our agreement spells out that the kids will be allowed to go to RE classes when they are with her and that in cases of dispute that I have the final say when it comes to religion and education (she has non emergency medical care and extra curricular activities).

I fought real hard to keep things amicable for us. Georgia law says that you cannot have joint physical custody of the D is contested. I told her several times that if we couldn't agree that one of us would have to be the primary and the other get visitation and that if it came to that I would fight for my children. The kids are very happy and well adjusted with going back and forth. But they hate being away from the other parent for a long time. Our arrangement is working.

Pippy, I understand that money is tight. I am very willing to help out and would consider giving her more money. But her demanding and sense of entitlement I am through with. She actually told me she intended to profit off of my M. And my L said that she would have been entitled to until she cheated.

I don't want to do this but I am going to have to get tough. For good or bad I drew the line in the sand. Now I have to see it through. It will only only get as bad as she insists it gets but I will not lose my kids without a fight.

I wonder if I should just throw money at her to make her go away. Money is all she loves so why not just let her have it and save myself the grief.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

Meet her latest venom with crickets. She desperately wants more money from you and so far you have shot down both of her attempts (the one several weeks ago when she wanted to change custody without getting L involved, and now asking you to voluntarily increase CS, without getting L involved...). Now that you have shot her down she is angry. Let her wallow in her anger.

However, if she does not allow the kids to attend religious classes then send her a businesslike email references the section and page of the D that states that the kids are to attend. Expect her to reply with anger to that also, but remain silent. If she misses another class then have your L send her a letter stating that she is not in compliance with the court order. While she does not want L involved, show her that you have no problem involving a L to protect your kids.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

I wonder if I should just throw money at her to make her go away.

No. Whatever you give her will not be enough and she will just demand more. She thinks she deserves it and she will bleed you dry trying to get it.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

Just don't get your kids caught in the middle. I was caught when my parents divorced and te fight went on for 30 years! I ended up having to stop communication with my mother (BS) and I still regret it. No child should have to go through that.

I'm just saying don't make your kids suffer in your bitterness.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

I second what Dreamboat is saying. Keep your distance, stick to the agreement, and pursue any violations of the agreement via lawyer.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

She's the one putting the kids in the middle - he's trying to minimize the damage.
She sucks.
He doesn't.

gahurts - you're better off throwing money at your L

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

Sorry to hear all of this.

Since I have had the honor of meeting you personally, I know what a good man you are.

This is all a delicate balance of knowing when to pick a battle over what is important.

I would not pay her a penny of alimony

Will be interesting to see how this plays out...

Pretty clear that she is trying to take advantage of things. Her desire to give your kids things expecting you to pay is not really appropriate.

Going to a lawyer will cost more than the amount you are having to give away.

It all stinks

Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

Crickets to her, gahurts. If she has a problem, let her get a lawyer and pursue it. I love how she so venomously informs you what an awesome, reasonable person she was. Continue to keep your focus on what is best for the kids.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

I think you are at the point where reasonable requests get due consideration. Venom and blame shifting and threats get crickets.

All her threats of legal action are meaningless since this is clearly about her having no money. After all, if she''s got none, no lawyer is going to help her.

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 1st (Sunday)

I would not respond to her. It's easier to ignore their threats and only respond when they follow through with those threats. Everything she is threatening to take away is covered in your decree so you are protected. I would let my attorney respond when she breaks an agreement in the decree.

She's pissed because she is loosing the alimony, not getting more money from you and because she isn't getting her way.

I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4787 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I interpret her wording to mean that she thinks she should have more money based on the allotment of time and perhaps stuff she does with them or buys.

FWIW, I have very, very serious money issues and I am the BS but would not in a million years consider asking Perv for money for things that she is asking you for, GaHurts. I am getting no frills, no extra, no alimony, I am basically cut off as my own person from him though he is upper middle class, he is paying the bare basic CS that our state deems appropriate.

I have too much pride that came back, I think and I also don't want to interact or be seen as bitter or whatever in any, way and so we go without. We simply don't do activities that cost money or it happened that electronic/technology things are his area anyway.

I completely understand your thoughts on your children having a phone, esp. if there is a difficult time between the two of you with communicating, as your kids age hopefully you can work more with them and not her in between...

And no, FWIW to have another opinion, I would worry that if you "threw money at her to shut her up", it wouldn't be the end of her asking. Our divorce decree has terminology in it regarding this area of money and also there is terminology that says something like "no other words or deal or situation will override this document." The CS money is in there based on what the state deems appropriate and that's's as the others say, to go back to court and spend oodles to get it changed.

I also wouldn't want you to have a hard time with the legal system if you changed the amount aside from the rules determined.

One thing that we do also, is in regard to things for our daughter as she mentions that cost more-we save them for gifts and discuss it ahead of time so that neither parent is left out or the other made to feel worse or like a competition.

She reminds me of my mother and sister, who want more out of life than they have the monetary means to accumulate or do-instead of no for an answer or earning it themselves, they seek people as sources to fund their desires-whether it's travel or stuff, instead of "no", as I have, they find someone to do it for them-provide the money-and it often doesn't get paid back. (Both NPD) I don't want that for you.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

One quick thing to add - if you want to allow the kids to get the "extras" she mentions, there is an easy solution.

Pretty much any electronic entertainment has a gift card option. Give gift cards to the kids for XBox and Kindle purchases (the Kindle one is a little more problematic, as it is really just an Amazon gift card, which could then be used by your XW for anything on Amazon. You can gift books themselves, but that means you need to know the book to gift.)

And if you are paying for the phone service, as someone else said... just get the replacement phone yourself. In fact, if the account is in your name, I think you pretty much need to be the one who gets it.

ETA: When I said allow the kids the extras, what i meant was if you want to pay for them to have those extras. She is free to give them those all she wants... on her dime.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 3:59 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)


give her the crickets she deserves.

The way I read it is since she knows you have proof of the A, which if I understand correctly can be used in GA, then if she can bully you into submission she gets to avoid that, oh such unpleasantness. (of having her A recorded in court! Yikes!)

In this day and age, they are standards that most kids get

I respectfully disagree with this. In today's economy many, many children do not get these. These are things that are luxeries. My kids never got the latest,and greatest, but they still grew up to be very productive adults.

Keep up the great work, ga!

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Topic Posts: 24