SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: He is going to propose...
Amber13
Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Advice needed. It's nearly 1 year since it happened. We have been up and down but got through it, our relationship has been stronger than ever. I knew this was coming as he has mentioned it before, but I have just found out that he has bought a ring and a proposal is iminent! I have waited for this for years and after last years events thought it would never happen. I've fantasised and dreamed about being engaged and getting married and how it would make every thing better. However! Now that it is all happening I find myself getting cold feet. For months I havent (hardly) got upset over the affair, havent cried and kept my composure at all times. I thought I was really over it! But now, thinking of engagement and marriage, I'm terrified! It's all coming back to me, all the details and dates, things I'd blocked out or just forgotten. I've started crying and obsessing again. I'm thinking, can I spend the rest of my life with someone who did that to me? Even though I believe it won't happen again, all of a sudden I can't get over what did happen. Am I a fool? My gut is telling me, you cant marry someone who has cheated on you! But even a week ago this wasn't an issue? I had no doubts whatsoever. Why am I crumbling? I love him so much and he is doing everything right right now.
Is this just my survival instinct kicking in??? Anybody else been through this? Thanks

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 30th (Friday)

What you're going through seems totally normal and healthy. One year is not a long time, really, in terms of healing. Making this big of a decision when you've only been healing for a year? I don't know. It would make me scared, too, just as it is scary for you.

Personally, I wouldn't accept a proposal less than 1 year after D-Day. Sure, you can marry someone who has cheated on you. But I wouldn't do it if you're off kilter about it.

I know there are others on this site who were betrayed by BF/GF or fiances. Many struggle the same way that you are. I hope some of them come along.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Amber13
Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Thanks for your post. I know it seems so soon doesn't it. He just seems to think its in the past, I'm over it, everything is hunky dory. And I thought I was too!

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 30th (Friday)

gosh....a year doesnt seem like a long time. and from your post...you are still hurting. i know that feeling.

maybe look at it like this....if this were you and him in the beginning and you had these fears, and hurt from the pain he caused you...would you have married him after cheating? probably not.

maybe consider waiting until you are futher down the road in healing before accepting a proposal.

i mean...dont you want to be happy in your heart, secure...and know that you want to spend the rest of your life with him...before accepting a ring?

i know i would.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 940 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Nothing wrong with accepting the proposal and ring, but putting off the marriage date for as much as a few years; to a date that you feel that this infidelity will truly be in the background.

Also gives you more time to assess whether he is showing cheating tendencies again. He is on trial currently and has yet to prove that he can stay faithful over the long haul.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Nothing wrong with accepting the proposal and ring, but putting off the marriage date for as much as a few years; to a date that you feel that this infidelity will truly be in the background.

I am of this mind too. While we never planned marriage just because we are older & thought not necessary until we retire. He has begun to bring it up. We are almost at our 2 yr antiversary & I am still not there. We are better, great in ways but that is one thing I can't pull the trigger on - yet.

I also said I would take a ring but the actual act of marriage we would need to work on some more.

It should not be an all or nothing thing. Maybe explain where you are, somethings you just don't "get over"


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Amber...

Wow girl....that's not an easy spot to find yourself in. I totally understand your fear. Having been with my husband 32 years now I wouldn't know how I would react about him having an A and then proposing.....kind of defeats the reason for getting married.

Only you will know If and when this will be right for you. I am also 1 year out from what Undecided calls antiversary.(BTW Undecided I LOVE THAT term!!!!!!) if it were me in your shoes i would be wondering if he really loved me or if he is panicking that he screwed up the best thing he ever had and doesn't want to loose it.

If I didn't have most of my life invested in my marriage I would have walked away. I would not want to start marriage with someone I couldn't 100% trust....but that is just me.

As for the little panic attacks....I don't think they will ever fully go away. I had one just today as I watched the NJ countryside go streaming by my bus window. All I could think about was WHY?????

Listen to your heart. It isn't going to lead you astray, not after what you have been through.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 4:11 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 7