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Reconciliation
User Topic: fear of abandonment
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Concerned  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Fear of abandonment (FOA) issues plagued me before M my H 23 years ago. Come to realize they had never left...I just had a loving H, and his L and commitment were a band-aid for the FOA.

His A, and subsequent request for a D ripped the band-aid off, and now I am back to where I was before I met him.

He's a great guy in many ways: loving, affectionate, handsome, fit, kind, and pleasant, with a touch of conflict avoider and people pleaser.

I'm a vacillating, controlling victim. It is easier to live with him than it is to live with me.

Now my messed up mind says that I am not loveable and he is with me to prove to himself and the world that he can keep his promises, not because he L me.

I actually believed he L me when we got M, and for 19 years until the A. Now I can't believe him, even though he says he L me. His words on Dday#1 keep ringing in my ears, "I haven't L you in 5 years." He says that was foggy talk, but my own issues (FOA) won't let me believe that he actually does L me, and that the A was just a serious "blip" in his life that overflowed into my life.

Anyone else have FOA keeping them from believing WS after so many years?


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 30th (Friday)

Well I am only 18 months out but I can surely identify with you. I have this FOO issue as well and of course the A just exacerbates it

And I too am a vacillator, controlling, victim. And my WH is Avoider, actually he scored pretty high in all areas on the Love Style tests from the other thread.

I am wondering if this is another aha for me, that the reason I am fighting WH or believing him could be because of my FOO? He is a repeat offender so I am sure that plays into some of it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 30th (Friday)

cbs, sorry you are dealing with the same internal issue.

Along with the FOA, throw in some shame for having FOA and you have HBH.

Because of FOA, I'm having a knee jerk reaction of not wanting to be vulnerable to H again, because of course, he is going to leave me again when he realizes I not a worthy mate since I stayed with a man who really doesn't L me.

Now I'm more insecure than I was when I first realized I had FOA issues.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 3