|Just Found Out|
Topic: new and part of the pregnant BW club
Member # 40500
| Posted: 8:41 PM, August 30th (Friday)|
I've been lurking for a while but finally felt I needed to speak up as I really need the support. I will give the short story as I'm worried that OW will be trolling sites such as this-how do you guys deal with that?
My H had a PA with a coworker. It totally came out of no where, especially since the company has a STRICT rule of no relations w employees. He is actually her supervisor.
DDay was a few weeks ago when our young son informed me he saw him kissing OW. Long, long story short---I'm 8 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and he left when I asked him about this. He claimed our son was lying, but sorry, young children don't lie about such things. He left and went to a hotel. I called the entire day crying, begging him to come back. The next day I was sent pictures of him kissing the OW in public. The next day he went to a Dr appointment with me, I was put in the hospital for monitoring for preeclampsia (I had high blood pressure). I asked him about what our son said and that I knew he was w the OW, he blew up at me in the hospital, berating me-he had me crying so hard I was throwing up on the way home. He swore he would be home the next day when he took me home.
The next day I was sent pictures of him and the OW at lunch, then them going to the hotel. He picked up our son from school and came home that day, saying he told the OW it was over and he was back with his family. I was so stupid to believe this, I just wanted it all to go away.
In two days, I caught him in a hotel trying to screw her again, but I headed it off. He came home and admitted that she had been in the hotel room with him several times; the day he got there with her 7 month old BABY, they went to dinner the next night, he had sex with her the next day and he came home, then was meeting her again when I caught him.
The next days were tense, he had his phone connected to him. I contacted the BH, who was thankful I informed him of the A, he already had suspicions. H became very angry I told the BH, she had the audacity to call him while he was home and tell him what I had done. I then caught him with her again going to a work event that he lied about. He came home and packed his stuff AGAIN and left me alone, with a high risk pregnancy. I contacted an attorney and had her served with a papers stating she needed to stay away from my H. He came home 4 days later stating he was committed to the family and marriage. I went in his phone and dug out all these text messages that have just made me sick. He was having conversations about
His company found out about the A, I think the BH contacted HR and informed them. WH almost lost his job but he lied about the A and so did she. I was told that she had several complaints on her and she had quite the reputation around the company----to which I still don't understand how she still has a job.
Anyways, he has lied to me since then about being around her. He has to be around her for work, but he isn't honest because "he doesn't want to upset me." I try to tell him when he lies, he simply puts me back to square one. I get anonymous phone calls from a female that tells me what he is doing, but when I ask him about the information, it's always only half truths. I'm not sure if it is someone in the office or one of the BS's friends.
I need to focus on the pregnancy, the doctor is amazed I'm even still pregnant, and I'm trying to save the marriage. I don't want my children to grow up without their father, but I remind myself that he has made his bed. I feel like I'm putting up with him working with her, why can't he just tell the truth? I'm hopeful he will understand that I need the truth when he is around the skank. We have started MC. I still have high anxiety, I worry every time he's around her. He said he is disgusted with his behavior, he doesn't even think about her until I bring her up. I would like to believe him, but I struggle.
I see you guys talking about the 180, where do I find this?
I hope you can follow my story, I apologize for speaking in generalities.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 40078
| Posted: 9:25 PM, August 30th (Friday)|
Have you been to The Healing Library yet? It's the yellow box at the upper left side of the screen. 180 is #11 under BS FAQ
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35812
| Posted: 1:26 AM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Here is a direct link to the 180: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
Duststorm, right now, the only important thing in your life is making sure that your baby is born healthy. Your WH isn''t important, the HO-worker OW isn''t important the baby that you''re carrying is the only important thing. Do you have any family or close friends that can come help you? Detach from you WH and worry about your baby. He evidently could care less. Unfortunately, it seems to be all on you to make sure that this baby is delivered healthy and alive.
Please get back on the phone with your attorney and find out what your legal rights are if you divorce. And what you can expect for child support and spousal support. You are dealing not only with a unremorseful spouse, but one who seems determined to sacrifice you and the baby to his obsession. You need to know exactly what you can expect legally.
I''m so very sorry. I would also suggest letting your OB/GYN know about his adultery because you need to be tested for STD/HIV like yesterday. I hope and pray that your high-risk pregnancy is not because of some STD that your WH gave you. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4805 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38660
| Posted: 6:18 AM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Everything Skan said! Especially the part about informing your OBGYN. Sadly, there are serious health risks to you and your baby because of your Hs selfish, cruel behavior and lies. Take care of you and your baby first.
Sending many hugs.
"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill
Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 34041
| Posted: 7:07 AM, August 31st (Saturday)|
I believe Texas has adultery laws file a suit against her for alienation of affection. Keep proof in a place outside home. Personally I have had medical issues during Dr days including pulmonary embolism. Remove the drama from your life. Go to an attorney protect you an your children, you want your children to have a father, but seriously they want a mommy who is alive and well. I would consider filing and having restraining order with no contact except through an attorney. Give him conditions of recovery delivered by it attorney and take care of you and your babies. He is for sure taking care of himself and the more you detach and allow him to feel the single not so happy life, the better chances you have. Hugs, look at healing section.
sorry post on my tablet
Posts: 295 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Member # 40500
| Posted: 7:39 AM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Thanks for info on 180, I found it. I have pretty much broken a lot of those rules already, I am pregnant and needy. I 'm going to put the 180 fully in place today, I started last night.
I was tested for STDs, talk about embarrassing, I felt like a 16 year old who had been messing around. My doctor is very aware of what happened.
I have retained an attorney and know my options. I just hate that it has to go that far, but I AM going to protect my children.
We don't have the alienation of affection law anymore, but my attorney is going to look into something similar.
My family lives out of state but I have close friends by. They were very helpful when WH left, I hate asking people for help.
As for R, he has said he was sorry, he does give me details of the A. I simply do not feel he is sincerely sorry. I've seen no tears. He wants to put this situation away and just move on. He says "he's here and committed." He also takes responsibility.
He is a man of few words, but I want him falling all over himself sorry. Am I wrong for this? What am I missing?
Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 40210
| Posted: 1:38 PM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Oh, Duststorm, I'm so sorry. I'm another member of the pregnant BW club. Try to take care of yourself and get as much sleep as possible. Make sure you eat too. I know, both way easier said than done right now.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did nothing wrong. And you are not wrong for thinking that your WH's rug sweeping, trickle truths, and empty apologies are not acceptable. Because they are not acceptable. This is not something you can just get over. If he is serious about R, he better come to terms with that fast. Read over the FAQs for BS and WS in the healing library. I found a lot of helpful info there. Stay strong and good luck.
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.
Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Member # 40500
| Posted: 2:18 PM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Fireflies-thanks for responding. I sent you a PM. I need all the support I can get!!
Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 31349
| Posted: 2:24 PM, August 31st (Saturday)|
Welcome to SI, duststorm.
To add to the support for your particular situation, we have a thread in our I Can Relate forum for Pregnant BW's and New Parents who are trying to navigate this painful time.
Pregnant/New Parents Support:
The activity on the thread ebbs and flows, but there may be some stories there that will help make you feel like you're not so alone.
My DD was 8 months old on DDay, and it really helped me to talk to parents of little ones at the time.
As for your WH, he is a million miles from remorse and work to fix this. Don't let his attitude and scapegoating confuse you into thinking you're doing anything wrong. You've come to the right place to get your ducks lined up and to protect you and your little ones.
I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown
Posts: 17359 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 32214
| Posted: 4:23 PM, August 31st (Saturday)|
So, so, sorry you are having to go through this and pregnant on top of it. That just feels SO wrong. Your husband said this:
"As for R, he has said he was sorry, he does give me details of the A. I simply do not feel he is sincerely sorry. I've seen no tears. He wants to put this situation away and just move on."
If there were a mantra for waywards, this would be it. They just do not want to think about it and just walk on into the sunset. It is not going to happen.
Infidelity causes a huge amoung of damage and it will take years of hard work to rebuild any kind of trust which is essential to any relationship.
He needs to know right now, two to five years, and that isn't written in stone.
The length of time will mostly rest on him and what he does or does not do.
Just remember, there is no rush for you to do anything. It takes time to let your emotions settle.
He may be in the fog still, which means he is still in the affair, or that he has not emotionally disconnected from her. That is where a 180 comes in. It is usually the only thing to snap them out of the fog, and until then, they will not do the work needed.
There is a lot of info on this site, in the healing library, and there a lots of really good books to help you both.
But you need to try right now to concentrate on delivering a healthy baby.
Hugs and more hugs.
Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.
Posts: 1312 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 40507
| Posted: 11:14 AM, September 1st (Sunday)|
I give advice in an unusually direct manner. So sorry but i call em as i see em.
1. Do nothing for the next four months. Play dumb wife. Get that baby born and healthy. Get yourself recovered.
2. Go 007 on him in jan 2014.
3. Get proof and file D. Honestly. If you are preggers you are likely around 30 years old. Do you reallywant to live another FIFTY YEARS being disrespected?
4. Your husband sounds like the om that banged my friends wife for a year. Found out OMs wife recently came home fromwork early found him with ANOTHER neighborhood mom!
5. You say you dont want to break up your family but he already broke it. You know what is a worse life lesson than divorced parents? Seeing mom dissed and cheated on!
6. Everyone including you deserves to look into the eyes of their mate and see only love. You see guile and lies. You are not too old to find the man you deserve.
WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
Member # 40141
| Posted: 11:45 PM, September 1st (Sunday)|
Hi, I am so sorry you are here. I am another member of the pregnant BS club and I really feel for you.
Like the others have said, as hard as it is, you need to try and focus on taking care of yourself and the baby. I had such a hard time keeping food down after D-Day and lost a lot of weight, but smoothies and protein shakes helped until I was able to start eating normally again.
I know how awful the STD test is while pregnant, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed and ashamed when I went even though I didn't do anything wrong!
I am so sorry you have found yourself here, but everyone is so wonderful and offer some really great advice. Hugs to you
M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D
Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 29183
| Posted: 12:04 AM, September 2nd (Monday)|
I'm so sorry this is happening, and while you are pregnant and needing to be lovingly cared for. Your most important job right now is take care of YOU and that BABY and your other son! Your WH is at the bottom of the totem pole. Surround yourself with friends, church, whoever you trust, who will come and take care of you right now, helping with your young son, going to appointments with you, bringing you meals. Your doctor should be able to put you in touch with a social worker, who can help you find those supports in your community.
I was pregnant and had two young sons at home when WXH had his A and walked out on us. This is one of the worst injustices, as it should be a time of joy and anticipation and he should be treating you as the queen you are. Well, he's not, so you are going to have to find people who will.
Sleep when you can, eat well, take care of YOU. Your babies need you and that can be your lifesaver right now.
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011
Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Member # 38975
| Posted: 1:59 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)|
I am so sorry. Just read your first post here.
This is so unfair to you and your family.
Your WH need to get his head out of his ass and do the hard work.
He needs to get into IC to do a deep dive to understand why and how he allowed him to cheat and treat his family like garbage. Until he does this then everything else is mute point.
Hang in there and please take care of you and your babies.
You can't fix your husband because you didn't break him. Only he can fix himself.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hugs and prayers
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou
Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35951
| Posted: 7:35 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)|
Please put yourself first. Put WH and OW out of your mind. Concentrate on taking care of you. Rally your friends and family to help.
I had pre-eclampsia and had an emergency c section, after going to the ER several times for high blood pressure. I know how awful it feels, you may not be able to think straight. I know I had a difficult time holding a thought in my head. Please get someone you know and trust to lean on, to stay with you, or to come for part of each day.
As for the pictures of OW and WH, hold onto them, stash them somewhere. They are proof of his awful cruelty and infidelity. You have already contacted a lawyer, so you have one. Make sure you talk to them. You may want to consider naming someone your healthcare power of attorney so WH can't make medical decisions for you in a crisis.
Honestly, I have to agree with past posters who have said there is a special place in hell for WH who do this to a pregnant BS. It's even worse that you are sick. This is who this guy is. Protect yourself--get people around you friends family your lawyer who will protect you, because he's not only not protecting you, he is harming you.
"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk
Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
|Topic Posts: 15|| |