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Wayward Side
User Topic: Feeling guilt
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Sometimes, I feel guilty for wanting to do non-affair related activities. I feel that I'm doing something wrong if I'm not journaling, reading this forum, reading self-help books, etc. My BGF hates weekends with me now that I'm home on weekends. She confines herself to the bedroom most times. If I do something other than what's mentioned above, I feel guilty. It's been three months and I still haven't found the deep internal reason why I let myself get vulnerable. I also feel that we as a couple cannot move forward unless I find the answer. Is it possible if all the lies are done and still working on my internal flaws that both her and I can commit to each other before I find the answer?

Having a hard time keeping up the hope and I've never been good at introspection.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

What have you done in the past 3 months to find the answers? Are you in IC to help figure this all out?

You say your BGF confines herself to the bedroom. Why not ask her if she wants to do something? Go out for dinner, take a walk together.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38085 | Registered: Sep 2007
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

A big part of our R, from just a few days after DDay, has been taking walks together. Most underrated therapeutic and bonding activity ever, IMHO. Now if we miss one or two if things get busy in our lives...we miss it - a lot! It's free, it isn't weather dependent (99% of the time), you can do it practically anywhere, and you can talk or not as the mood dictates.

And a great side effect, besides the mental aspects, is how good walking is for helping maintain our trim girlish/boyish figures!

And, tmi I'm sure, our woods have all sorts of little dells and nooks. More connecting!

We love our walks. Perhaps give it a try.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Well you are pretty much in crisis management mode right now, and that is not inappropriate given your situation. But. This is not a sprint. It's a seriously long and sometimes grueling marathon. Not that I've ever run one but I saw a picture once of a guy throwing up on his own shoes at the end of one and...yeah. It can get like that.

If you are serious about continuing on the path you've started, you will have to adjust to the marathon nature of it. That includes finding some wholesome self soothing activities that support the changes you're trying to make in yourself.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

What have you done in the past 3 months to find the answers? Are you in IC to help figure this all out?

I am in IC and MC. Cost is becoming an issue but I/we continue to go. I agree with my BGF that I am not working on this is I continue to lie. I have learned quite a bit about my past actions and why I may have done them through several discussions and interrogations by my BGF. When I have an IC session, it seems to focus more on what is going on over the last week/s since the last IC instead of getting to dive into my past and why I did this. Is this normal? Just recently, I've started reading and researching how to be a better person and increase my self-esteem and self-worth as that was a problem. Yesterday I saw my doctor for depression. I never sought help while I was actually deep into it.

You say your BGF confines herself to the bedroom. Why not ask her if she wants to do something? Go out for dinner, take a walk together.

I am a trigger for her. There are very brief moments when we can do things and then she begins asking questions and escalates to anger for what I've done. She then withdraws. I cannot comfort her physically because she doesn't want me to touch her. My words are just words now because if I loved her I wouldn't have done this and chose that "whore" over her. Admittedly, some days are better than other but only one in every two weeks is "good". She says repeatedly that she wants me to treat her better than I ever treated the AP. I find it difficult when most times I cannot be in her view. I spent several hours a day on the phone and texting with the AP because she had no life and I had a job that gave me freedom to do so. I have a different job now and my BGF and I are not able to be on the phone for long periods of time. I spent so much money during my A and now I'm having money problems. My BGF resents that I spent money on the AP and never on her. I know I was wrong and took her and our relationship for granted. Mentally, I was so messed up due to my depression in the past that I never realized or cared what I did. I have so much shame for treating her that way and don't ever want to treat her that way again. I know what I want to do, but I have problems that I need to fix in me to ensure I'm aware of the bad decisions that have been so easy for me before. I've read awareness is the first step, but there are so many and take time.

As I type this, I feel I'm making excuses. Like my BGF says, "Just do it". Deep down, I know it's just a choice and I have to do it. I'm just weak most times. GRRRR the cycle of excuses.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Having a hard time keeping up the hope and I've never been good at introspection.

Didn't she JUST find something pretty huge out you had lied about like a day or two ago?

And you're posting about keeping up hope?

Well, you've been very good about posting about intent and debating that quite a bit. Think you need to stop "talking" and start doing some internal inventory.

There was a study of what genuine remorse looked like. It was for those in prison. They found the loudest proclaimers were also the most likely to be "faking" it. Those that were genuine were quiet, confused, even withdrawn. While doubt many BS's would feel comfortable seeing their WS conducting themselves that way, we've even seen some deals here that were very convincing...and very not even close to remorse.

Like I've posted so many times. I believe strongly that less is more, for some things. True remorse and internal exploration are things that definitely fall in that category, for me.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

uncertainone -

Well, you've been very good about posting about intent and debating that quite a bit. Think you need to stop "talking" and start doing some internal inventory.

Thanks for the virtual head slap. You are correct in noting that she just found a detail that I'd kept from her. I am not proud of it and I know it has set this back to the beginning. I've been a fucking slow learner and I've come to the understanding that this mistake could have sealed my fate.

I appreciate your candor and the reason I'm posting is to receive some advice and possible help with my flawed thinking from others who may have experience a similar fall from self.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Think before you answer. That's my advice.

When my BH asked me questions right after d-day I was in self preservation mode. I had to learn to stop after he'd ask me a question, think before answering, and then answer truthfully. Instead of the initial reaction of saying whatever I felt it was necessary to say to save my ass, I learned to wait and answer only with the truth.

It's sad that we have to do this, that we program ourselves while cheating to be such liars that we have to retrain ourselves to be truthful.

I was a slow learner, too, but I got there. You can, too.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38085 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 8