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User Topic: What does a "normal" marriage look like?
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

I thought we had a great m before I blew it up. Seriously ppl would see us and think we were still newly weds. I've realized now that I had a lot of resentments that I buried, we are enmeshed, bh is probably addicted to me, and I'm pretty much fu*ked up. That doesn't even cover the things bh has discovered about himself. bh parents m was more normal and preferable than mine. But bh never heard his parents argue, never saw them show physical affection to each other, they spent alot of time pursuing seperate interests but he knew they loved each other, he just didn't see any intimacy or conflict resolution. My childhood was the opposite, complete chaos! Divorced parents, alcoholic mother...you get the picture.

I don't know what I want exactly, we were happy before I fu*ked it up. We were comfortable in our roles. And had/still have an amazing sex life. 25 years (now) and i thought we were the perfect couple. I want that feeling of everything is right in the world back. Even if it wasn't real! [[[End of whining!]]] Bh wants us to have a healthy m (he thought the same way about our m as me pre dday) and is of course way more shocked and is devastated that his soul mate and best friend could do this to him and wont fully recover until he knows I'm fixed and he's safe. It's been a few years so he's waaaaayyyyy better now but I am just starting to realize how much harder this is going to be.

I realize no two marriages are alike because no 2 ppl are alike but it's difficult to imagine a different dynamic than what we had pre dday in our m. Of course our m is hard now, we're getting better, and working on problems. but how to figure out what is healthy, how he should be, how I should be? What do healthy m's look like? One of my problems is deep down if things aren't perfect, I make them that way or I am really unhappy. Working on that but what if I'm never "fixed"? What if he never recovers fully?

Obviously we r all in a similar boat, trying to create the best m we can after the utter devastation has rocked our m's to their core. Sometimes it's just overwhelming...

[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 3:31 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Everyone has their own definition of "normal". I think a key thing to keep in mind throughout all of this is that the marriage will never be the way it was before the A. You can't really look at the pre-A marriage and have that as your goal for "normal".

Normal is now a new normal. As you and your BH heal and progress, you might find some moments of light that you didn't appreciate in your pre-A marriage. Maybe you listen more now, maybe you are both more attentive to each other and sensitive to each others needs.

Nothing good can come from an affair, but good things can happen from working on healing the marriage.

Now that everything is out on the table, you have a real shot at this. Take it, own it, and appreciate it for what it is. Take care.


Posts: 6122 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

ETA: Wanted to add - I noticed your d-day timeframe is very close to mine and my wife's. Wanted to wish you the best of luck!

Posts: 6122 | Registered: Dec 2010
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

Losferwords: thank you for the advice and good wishes. I just read your profile and its hopeful to see that you and your w are working things out. My bh and I will work this all out, we've committed to that, and its what we both want, but boy it's tough sometimes!

[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 5:20 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

As always Losfer your post was wonderful. You sound like my IC.....are you????? LOLOL

Silent, my H and I say the same thing to each other often. We both miss the "ease" of our past marriage. But the word ease has a bad connotation for people who have been through what we all have. It was that "ease" that not making waves, going with the flow, concealing our displeasures, our unhappiness for the sake of "ease" that got us all into the spot we now face.

We like to say to each other now that even though we liked the ease of our past life we would never in a million years change what we are creating now, after the Abomb, because it is so much more fulfilling, sexual, communicative, intimate and true to who both of us are. We like to call it our perverse little secret, because so many of our friends have commented on how wonderful we are with each other now(most do not know what we have been through).

I miss my old ease everyday. This new M is such hard work. But I get more fulfillment out of the new M, I am free to express everything and listen with more intent and enthusiasm and to create something that will sustain us for the rest of our lives.

My H and I are slowly seeing the top of our nasty post A mountain. I say this because we have chosen together to put as much negative behind us as we can. Some have said I have sold myself short, that I should not have powered through some of the intensely hurtful feelings. I should internalize the lessons.

For me, I just got so tired of hurting. I love my H with all heart. 32 years does not get tossed away easily. I get why this happened and I am beyond it. I cherish the beginning of our new marriage even though it is still a huge amount of work.

You sound like you are on the right road. There is nothing wrong with each of you agreeing to cut the other a bit of slack. If you are mutually working towards something special RUN WITH IT....it will eventually be your new norm.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 31st (Saturday)

...we would never in a million years change what we are creating now, after the Abomb, because it is so much more fulfilling, sexual, communicative, intimate and true to who both of us are. We like to call it our perverse little secret...

Hey...we thought that was our secret!

We like our new "normal" - the joys, highs, lows, warts and all.

It IS work! And we're enjoying doing it for us....


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

Not sure there is a one size fits all for a normal marriage, but here are some of the important characteristics of a successful marriage:
1. You prioritize each others emotional needs and do your best to meet those needs (there are a lot of good books on how to do this).

2. True emotional intimacy has been established where both of you are not afraid to share your hopes, dreams, and fears with the other. There are no more "secrets" about discontentment in the marriage (this is how affairs get started).

3. You share a common vision of the future.

4. You foster and nurture each others spiritual growth (in whatever form that takes)

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:52 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, September 1st (Sunday)

LOLOLOLOLOL.....oh sorry, my mistake

Thank you for the smile Just.....it has been a hard first flight home and now I have another one.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

You sound like my IC.....are you?????

Oh my goodness, no, TxsT. LOL. I'm really just a regular dude, trying to find my new normal as well. Thank you, though.

Silentthoughts - it's very tough sometimes. I commend you on your heartfelt post, on top of the work that you are doing. Sometimes the tougher times are the times that we learn the most from. Take care.


Posts: 6122 | Registered: Dec 2010
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

We both miss the "ease" of our past marriage. But the word ease has a bad connotation for people who have been through what we all have. It was that "ease" that not making waves, going with the flow, concealing our displeasures, our unhappiness for the sake of "ease" that got us all into the spot we now face.

This is so very true and applies to us for sure. My Beautiful BS has said numerous times that she misses "who we were pre DDay" and wants that feeling back that she had for me pre A. Since we are still very close to DDay, I know she still suffers because it seems as if that was just taken away from her yesterday. I've come to learn that our current "normal" is the roller coaster of emotions my poor BS feels. However, as far as my perspective, this new normal has taught me to appreciate my wife 1000x more than I did pre DDay, I'm also learning to cherish and appreciate the "good days" because they are so fleeting and fragile (they can turn in a heartbeat). I'm "dating my wife" now in the hopes of earning R from her and I'm excited about this! I wish to God we weren't going through this, but if there's a "silver lining" to this whole thing, it's that I finally am being the husband my wife deserves and wants. Sad that it took what it did for me to wake the f*ck up, but I feel I've come a long ways and will never turn back to who I was before. So I'm hoping that this new "normal" evolves to where she's not on the rollercoaster as much, and I continue being the man she deserves. Maybe then, we'll be one of the couples who can say they're successfully in R.

[This message edited by 1DumbHusband at 10:08 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks so much for all the replies. I wish we had found this site back at dday, we would probably be further along in r. I am impatient and probably a little lazy...I just want things fixed now. This site has given me hope that one day we can recover but si has also made me realize I have not put in the work needed to truly be the whole person my bh needs! Now I just need to figure out where I put my big girl pants.....

We had a nice holiday weekend, almost felt normal for me but bh had triggers. His biggest trigger is younger hot guys with tattoos (that is mostly the type I was cybering with) and unfortunately they were all over our fav beach. It was hard for him but overall we had a good time.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Silent.....as much as you want this fixed now unfortunately it is going to take a lot longer then you might think it will take. The shock that your BS has suffered is not something that can be rushed. I actually feel that trying to rush makes the hurt so much deeper.

The best way to lesson the time involved is to become an open book. Don't wait to be asked, offer up your own time line, ask you H what he needs to feel safe and do them. The more you make him feel you want to fix this right the easier it will be.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 12