SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Friends?
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I've been thinking about friends today. There are some friends of mine, that don't really know my WW, who I have told about the affair and what has been going on with my marriage since dday. Almost all have commiserated, but then after the initial discussion have not connected or really followed up with me to see how I am doing. So I guess not really friends.

The other group of friends, who my wife and I have known jointly, have also not checked in with me. Some of these my wife has gone out with, and I assume has told them about our separation (I don't know if she told them about the affair or not).

It's bothering me that there is so little follow-up and I am not sure if I should call them on it or just let it be. I may also be giving too many details about what is going on, but I feel it important that these people know it wasn't my choice to leave a wife with cancer.

[This message edited by kg201 at 4:11 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

Leave it be. I don't think that people really care about infidelity until it happens to them. I personally did not give it much thought until my D-day. Not that I condoned cheating. But that was just the way it was. Society has become desensitized about infidelity. Its pretty much socially accepted and unless it affects a person directly. No one really cares. Besides the only person who can heal you is you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

(((hugs)))

Most people don;t know what to say and so they avoid you. They don't want to think what happened to you can happen to them. Some who have never been thru it think that cheating is no big deal and you need to get over it already. Some are afraid that you are contagious -- as dumb as it sound it is a surprisingly common thought.

If you have a friend in the group that you were particularly close to then seek them out and ask them to go for coffee or a movie or golfing or whatever. what I mean is try to reconnect with the person and start to go out socially again. But I would not confront anyone about it because nothing good will come from that.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17678 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I found that a lot of people scattered like I had some sort of a disease. It was heartbreaking.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I agree with what Dreamboat said - people just don't know what to say, so they avoid you. I also think when we're hurting so terribly, we kind of project an aura of that pain and it puts people off. I think it's a good idea to contact a friend or two that you're closest to and tell them you just want to hang out and do something together. Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. ((kg))


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

Yes, it is really hard for people to know what to say. It is a tough situation. I thought his friends didn't care until one of his friends and his mom told me everyone was upset about this and that I deserved better. Try not to over analyze them. Do try to find a couple of people whose ears you can bend though when you need to get the pain out. Hugs!!!!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I'm almost 5 years out from all this, and I've been seriously thinking about friendships myself.

I don't have any words of advice, but here's the thought experiment I've been going through.

Now that my divorce is final, I need a new will.

Which people are good enough friends I'd like to leave them something?

It's a surprisingly short list. Kind of depressing, actually.

I don't blame people for not knowing how to react. I'm just surprised how few people there are in my life who are actually supportive and connected.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I think it's true that people really do not know how to deal with infidelity. Illness? Death? That they can handle- meals, flowers, a shoulder to cry on. It is something most others have a history with.

But a cheating spouse is scary, foreign and maybe contagious. People shy away from conflict- and let's face it a divorce from infidelity is full of conflict. So they back away and do nothing.

I think it's probably worse for you being a guy. Don't know too many guys who can comfort a friend like you need right now. And the married ones have wives who are petrified that you are now "single and ready to mingle" and don't want their husbands fraternizing with what you are looking for. (Of course you are no where near ready for that... We all know that but they don't).

Reach out. Have a beer, grab some food, go bowling. Be proactive in getting what you need from your friends and they might surprise you with it- once they understand what that is.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 10:07 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 8