At the request of my BS I moved into an apartment 2 days ago. After 10 months of trying to R she couldn't stand the anger anymore and needed to figure her head out. Problem is she states she can't see us getting back together in the future. Not sure if this is bc she only knows anger or if she truly can't get past the A. Either way my heart is broken and these past few days have been horrible. I'm sure it hasn't been any easier for her. I can only guess bc what once was a very communicating relationship has gone to minimal text only pertaining to the kids. This happened immediately after I walked out Sunday.
Before I left I wrote this letter and left it where she would find it Sunday night. She hasn't mentioned the letter at all to me. It hurts. But I understand it. I know some of you out there are saying "you caused this.....and what did you expect....". I'm just having a hard time. Hating myself for everything I did to her and my kids. Feeling alone, ashamed, angry, frustrated, confused, sad, anxious, depressed.
I had a good few days with my kids-that's a huge positive. I settled into my apt ok-that's a positive. I just have to keep moving forward and thinking positive in order for me to get through this f'n nightmare. I just wish my wife could forgive me. Miss me. Love me. But....it's not reality. At least for now.... Here is the letter I wrote. I can't stand but wonder what she thought after reading it. Maybe some day she'll tell me....
"This is not an end letter. Not at all. This is a letter of hope, faith, and love. I’m hoping and praying that after you read this you put it with my other letters I’ve given you. The one that said “I remember…” and the last one “I love you for…”. When there are bad days for you or if you’re just sitting there thinking of me, maybe you could read these again. And maybe they just might bring a smile to your face and a tear to your eye. You see babe it’s this simple. I love you. I am in love with the woman I met 24 years ago in Long Island. I am in love with your looks, your body, your soul, your heart, your kindness, your compassion, your everything.
Me WS 44
I know this has been a very difficult time for you. This awful mess has brought back old disgusting feelings from your childhood and have changed you in a way that will make you my wife, different forever. But now is when you can make a choice as to how you want to handle this and who you want to be. Instead of looking at this from a negative side, try and see a positive. You will never lose your compassion and kindness. It’s just who you are and always will be. What you will gain is strength and courage. Awareness and self-preservation. You will overcome this a very strong woman with an attitude of “this is who I am and this is what I want and deserve”. The latter speaks volumes as in my opinion you deserve the very best life has to offer. Work, friends, family, vacation, friendship and love.
This time in our life has been the most difficult for both of us. Changes have been made, choices were made, lives have changed, ethics and morals have changed, the very core of our marriage has changed. This completely falls on me and for that I will forever be sorry. I am sorry for causing you this pain, bringing back bad memories, putting questions as to our marriage in your head, for hurting and disrupting our children’s lives, for hurting our family and friends. I can never ever take back the choices that I made. I can only own them, learn from them, and spend the rest of my life repairing what once was the ultimate marriage and family. I have and will always make this solemn promise to you and my children that as long as you let me I will be faithful and committed to you and my family for the rest of my life. I will be there emotionally for you. I will be there every minute of the day when you’re having a hard time or just need a shoulder to cry on. Or simply a hug. I promise to keep you safe and secure and protected. I promise that you will always be loved by me and cared for. For years you have cared for everyone else, mostly me. No more. It’s time that you are taken care of and appreciated. I promise that I will take care of you forever. It’s my job. It’s what I want for you. It’s what you deserve.
I’ve been thinking and watching a lot of what’s been going on these last few weeks between us. I’ve seen you turn ice cold and get angry often especially when the “subject” comes up. I know what you’re thinking as you read this…..”I’ve been angry for 11 months”. But it’s gotten far worse lately. As much as I hate the idea of leaving to give you space, I know that it is what you need right now. We have both said how tired we are from all of this and we just want it to stop. Well starting next week hopefully your true healing can begin. Your anger, your walls, your guard….this in my opinion is why you have doubts about our future. You said it yourself you hate what happened. You don’t hate me. Well to me that’s a starting point. Someday the anger will go away. And when it does hopefully your mind and your heart will think of us. When the anger is gone what is left is the choice to be made. I don’t need to remind you of everything we’ve been through because you were there. I don’t need to remind you of what we did as a family because you were there. I don’t need to remind you of things we both loved to do together. Because you were there. What I will remind you is that what once was can still be. We were once both crazy in love with each other. Because I was yours and you were mine. Because the other person was always the most important person to each other. There were special qualities in our marriage that most marriages will never know…..and you know this to be true. I know in my heart that you are still in love with me. You always have been. The pain and anger may sway that for now but I know it’s in your heart. I know this because I’ve been watching and listening. Paying attention to details. You don’t want this any more than I do. But you know you need some time to heal and get better. You say you’re confused. Why would a person stay with someone who hurt them so bad? That’s the million dollar question. The answer lies in your heart. I’m not perfect. But I am a person who is healing himself. Trying to become the man I used to be but better. Trying to make my wife proud again of the man she fell in love with 24 years ago. What you need to ask yourself someday is “is this man worth a second chance?” Has he earned the right to have my love again? Is he the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with? If you’re looking for someone who will forever cherish you and take care of you and will love you, then the choice is easy.
[name] - you have always been my best friend, my partner, my soul mate, my wife. I am asking as your best friend, your partner, your soul mate and as your husband to keep an open mind when the day comes to make a choice. To think about what our life was once and what our life could be in the future. A new beginning with a new set of vows. A set of vows that will last forever I promise you. You will through our courage and determination learn to trust me again. If there’s ever a chance for us you must learn to trust again. Like your best friend said sometimes you have to jump in with two feet and hope for the best. Hope and best are the key words.
[my name and her name] – it just seems right. It even sounds right. A team that is unmatched. We always were and we can be again. You just have to have hope, faith, and love. Just need to look deep inside you. It’s there. It’s always been there. It’s just been shadowed by the mess for a while. Once this smoke of anger goes away you will find love again. Better than before. With more meaning, communication, truthfulness, emotions and understanding. You will always be my #1. You will always be my very best friend and life partner. We belong together as evident in everything we’ve created from a beautiful home with beautiful kids and wonderful friends. It was made to last the test of time.
Don’t give up on us [name]. Don’t ever give up. There’s still more trips to NYC and more shopping sprees. More trips to Mexico and more parties to plan. More talks by the pool and more projects to discuss. More gymnastics meets and more baseball tournaments. More amazing dinner dates and more intimacy. More laughter and more tears. More sad days and more wonderful days.
I used to think the words “You complete me” were wishy washy. Just words from a movie. But the reality is it could never be more fitting. You do complete me [name]. And I do complete you. We’re just in a weird spot but we will recover. Because in the end when it’s all said and done the only thing that matters is you and me. Our love. Our marriage. I love you [name] with every piece of my being. I will love you forever. I promise you I will love you forever…………"
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
R for 10 months
I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time