SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Belief in marriage?
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

If you believed in marriage, believed in your vows only until something goes wrong....did you really believe in them in the first place?

Just a thought I had develop as I read another book.

Thoughts?


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Blake.....put down the book....go outside and sit on a park bench.....feed the birds.....smile and smell the flowers. You can't over think this one. We all believe in marriage or we wouldn't have gotten married. Do I resent getting married ....no I don't. Do I think my life is forever spoilt by my marriage....no I don't. Do I now know that I didn't really have a full grasp on what truly being married was????.You bet yeah!!!! Did I have any idea as a young bride all the things that life would test our vows on.....didn't have a clue.....do I now.....MOST DEFINITELY.

I have a new marriage now to my one true love. Is it perfect, no not yet nor will it ever be. But I can tell you what it isn't. It isn't a blind eye, it isn't taking anything for granted, it isn't allowing the seed to fall fallow, the spark to go dim. It is also so much more then our old marriage was. It is real, it isn't just a path to travel to get through life anymore. It is a path on which we choose to envelope everything about life that we love. Mutual respect and understanding. Compromise and compassion.

T

I often think of the Garth Brooks song THE DANCE. Those words are exactly how I feel about marriage now. I choose to remain married because I do believe in those initial vows we both spoke so many years ago. The dance, everyone's dance, is riddled with tests, with failure, with happiness and with pain. This is just a bigger and harder test......I chose to pass this one with flying colors :o)


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I believe people have their limits. Their line drawn in the sand and they stick to those limits.
Some people cut and run for nothing others stick thru the darkest of days. I would not say any of them did not believe in their vows they just had reached their limit!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

My FWH spoke his vows to me 34 years ago. We both believed in them. We both had intent to keep them. I am the only one who did. That is one of the reasons I feel no desire to renew.
believed in your vows only until something goes wrong....did you really believe in them in the first place?
Is that what you are saying about yourself, blake, or do you feel that was your wife's take on the vows?

eta: Unlike FWH's AP who had sex with FWH a few weeks before and a few weeks after AP's new marriage. No intent whatsoever to keep the wedding vows.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:55 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Hey blake, well yes I absolutely believed in them when I spoke them but can see how I was not honouring them along the way with disrespectful behavior, turning my back on him, not being as loving as I could. Sure he broke a "biggie" but I believe I broke our vows to honour and cherish. There were many days when I simply did not.

For better or for worse....well, this is our worse (geesh, I hope!) and I am still here.

I am determined to be conscious of them as we move forward.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:57 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2218 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

LA44, I was going to add to my "I am the only one that did" technically because, like you, I was falling short, too.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Love your answer LA!!

I am currently working on new vows. It is our 25th anniversary next week and we are going to share with each other where we want to go from here. This has been a humbling exercise, even for me the non A partner. I want us to reaffirm that we still believe in each other and how we are going to go forward and nurture the new us.

1 day after is our 1 year Dday anniversary. I am thinking how that day will go will depend on what my H offers up to me in his letter.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Unlike FWH's AP who had sex with FWH a few weeks before and a few weeks after AP's new marriage. No intent whatsoever to keep the wedding vows.

Not that I haven't heard similar stories before Sister, but wow, I still find that shocking. She must be a walking, talking black hole. I feel bad for the poor SOB that married her.

People are truly fascinating - and scary - creatures.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1346 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Been a while since I've been here. After 5 years of a successful reconciliation, I realized that belief in marriage is a separate issue from how a person handles problems. Just because someone believes in marriage doesn't mean they know how to handle problems in a relationship.

Most people live in a fantasy of what they think love and marriage is. Relationships that fail are those that think love and marriage will cure all their problems. Relationships that work arise from maturity and KNOWING that love and marriage requires a lot of work.

It's when both or one of the parties stop putting in their time to work on the marriage and love that it's not worth it anymore to continue. As one of the posters said, there is a limit. Should that stop people from believing that love and marriage is REAL? I don't think so. Just because you don't believe in your spouse anymore, doesn't mean you stop believing in love and marriage.

I hope that helps you.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I most definitely believed that marriage was forever no matter what ever happened. I never ever saw myself ever contemplating divorce. I saw 100% that marriage is a sacred sacrament never to be broken--but I feel duped, now.

I remember before I was married arguing with one of my co-workers the importance of marriage. She said, "why get married? All marriages end in divorce...all marriages have a cheater and abandoner eventually." I swore up and down and argued how she was wrong and it would never ever happen to me and my husband. He was a wonderful person and would never do that ever. And if he did he would see the error of his ways and turn around right away and run back to me...and we would live happily ever after.

Of course, I believed in issues and problems and horrible things--but I thought WE would withstand it all.

Well, none of that happened. When we were faced with all the bad stuff, my husband caved and cheated. He basically abandoned me when things were the toughest. I idolized him and held him up to the highest esteem...

I think if I went in thinking, ooohhh this is just temporary or a trial marriage I would eb in a better place. But, because I believed in all my heart that my husband would never do this--this is why I am devastated. Everything I believed was wrong.

I guess, he is only "human".

But, its like finding out there is no Santa Claus or finding out the Great OZ was a small man behind a curtain--my world is turned upside down. I don't know what is true or what is false, what is really real... I question everything and everything I thought I knew I no longer know.

Its a horrible feeling.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks for the replies. Personally I feel very much like LA44 and TxsT.

I see where I did not honor and cherish my wife both BEFORE and AFTER the affair. So I did not mean to imply that I am either perfect nor immune from breaking my vows.

And yes....I very much enjoy nature and living in the moment...thanks for the nudge TxsT.

I guess I am trying to logically make sense of what it is I am to do.

Faith is the courage to believe and do something that is sometimes contradictory of all present logic.

This is the strongest test of myself that I have been blessed with to date.

Thanks again for the input. Particularly nice to hear from folks years down the road.

Peace to all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Sistermilkshake....your husbands AP is precisely why change within ourselves (particularly within WS) is important....so that this cycle of pain and trauma ends. I feel saddness for the AP new husband.

But chane in BS is also key...for the same reasons TxsT so eloquently laid out above.

I so appreciate TxsT's nudging of me....I too am no longer blind....with my new vision I so want to take all that is new to me in and absorb it!

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Blake....I took my own advise and got my butt into my garden. Glad you at least thought about it.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I feel saddness for the AP new husband.
I feel bad for the poor SOB that married her.
I felt compassion for AP's new husband, too! Before you good gentlemen go and waste your time feeling bad for the new husband, though, it might be a bit of "karma" for him, if you're inclined to believe in karma. I found out about 6 months ago that AP's first husband caught the OW with a friend of his in his bed with his WW. A MM. Two marriages destroyed. The AP's new husband was that MM.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:17 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I did some pattern alterations for my kids' Halloween costume while I mulled this post over. Here's the deal for me. This is marriage number 2. My mom had 3. We talked about the sanctity of marriage, but I walked down the isle KNOWING my first marriage would end in divorce (for lots of reasons). Sure, I shouldn't have married him, but we had so much time invested in each other and our livelihoods were so enmeshed and all our friends were getting married. Anyway. We both thought marriage was just a piece of paper and even altered our vows to say 'for as long as love shall last'. I honestly still loved parts him when I left, but we were too incompatible. I was tired of walking on eggshells around his temper. Of being verbally abused. Of hearing him say he'd change and seeing it for a month or two and then being right back in the middle of angryville. I gave the effort I had to give and then cut my losses. I left with a clear conscience because I knew I had done what I could to save us. However, I'm not sure I ever really valued my marriage to him as more than financial convenience and the comfort of not being alone.
This time, I knew what I wanted from a marriage. I weighed his proposal carefully (as I was content to live I married forever). I made a conscious decision to make that firm commitment and made it. I considered myself married to him from the instant I accepted his proposal. I have poured my entire self into healing us. The difference this time is that he has too. Idk if that really answers your question or not, but it is my experience.

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jan 2013
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

When I married, I had made many past mistakes and I was totally committed. I had been a cheater prior to this marriage and had been in a bad relatinoship with a cheater before re-connecting with my high school sweetheart. Before marriage I had decided that I would never cheat, no matter what. We had both lost our virginity to each other and I was sure I would be his only one for the rest of his life, but that was not the case. He actually slept with two others while we dated and has slept with 3 OW while we have been married.

I really thought we were on the same page with monogamy and I don't know if I would have married him had I known. I asked him multiple times, and he always said he was monogamous.

I think "I" made the committment and he made the commitment for that moment in time. My fWH says he is committed to himself, to me, to us, to our family and to our friends.

I hope this makes us better people and hopes for a better marriage


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Something I struggled with before FWH and I got married was that he didn't consider anything sacred. "Vow" didn't mean anything to him. He was a good person, but there was no higher accountability to anything but himself. He just ended up being mostly good, or at least putting up a good show.

I remember shortly before the wedding I almost called it off because I couldn't get past this point. We stayed up one night and I was like, "I know what I'm getting into by making these promises, do you?" He seemed confused but he promised to "consider the universe, spirituality, blah blah blah if it's that important."

I believed in it. He had no idea what it all meant, but was used to going along for the ride.

I still believe in vows and commitments even though Crazz shattered ours. I understand what they mean - or at least what they mean to me.


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16805 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

belief in marriage is a separate issue from how a person handles problems. Just because someone believes in marriage doesn't mean they know how to handle problems in a relationship.

Wow how true this is. I always thought M would protect me from being cheated on (silly me).


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Crazy....I didn't think that my M would protect me......I thought it was my H that would protect me

t


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Crazy....I didn't think that my M would protect me......I thought it was my H that would protect me

yeah that too. Ugh


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm in a similar boat to Jrazz. I believe in forming deep bonds and relationships, be that marriage, parenting, friendship, etc. WH, well, doesn't.

One of the phrases I end up using with WH is "Where angels fear to tread." If there is a sensitive spot, WH has a knack for homing in on it and treating it with complete irreverence. The word disrespect works, too, for the non-spiritual connotation. In many interactions, WH thinks it's entertaining to get people upset: religion, politics, personal anecdotes, you name it. If he doesn't like a reaction after he's played with the situation he'll just "blow it off" as he calls it. The destruction this leaves in the wake is pretty easy to imagine.

I've said multiple times that it's like nothing is sacred to him.

I don't think it's any coincidence that because he doesn't hold anything as having intrinsic value, he treated our marriage the same way - if it wasn't "fun" or "entertaining" there wasn't any problem with finding amusement elsewhere.

When we met, who he presented himself as was someone who loved family, loved community, and was a fierce defender of justice. As we go on, the more I realize the strength I saw was very often a bravado act.

He's said bluntly that he wasn't fully committed to the marriage before this last DD. His choices would indicate he still is ambivalent.



Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

This all scares the shit out of me. My fWH and I started dating when we were 17 and 18. He was my first sexual partner, and has been the only one. I was sexually abused by my brother with my 2 sisters when I was 6, and I think I have always been grateful that I was not so ruined that I couldn't have a family and a partner. The OW told me in her 4 page letter send the day after discovery, that we don't have the 'love of a man and a woman', that we just built a life together and neither of us knew how great love could be until they met each other. I agree that I had no idea about the joys of sexual intimacy in the way that I do now that I am healing from abuse, but does that mean all the other real love that we shared is not real? Is our marriage unbelievable because we were so young? Should we give up?

I have wondered what the purpose of marriage is if my H could just ignore it all when someone offered themselves to him. I have asked divorced and married friends and colleagues about their thoughts on marriage. Surprisingly, the divorced people had more belief in marriage than I ever expected. One colleague said a resounding YES, that he absolutely believes in marriage as long as BOTH people are 'plugged in' (his words). That helped me to realize that I was not 'plugged in' for much of our marriage. I found ways to cope with my intimacy issues that did not involve telling my H exactly what had happened to me (I only told him it was my brother after the discovery of the affair). Neither of us knew what to do. Our 'belief' in marriage meant that we held convictions about staying married no matter what (he always told the OW that he would never leave me, as if that's a comfort to me somehow), but we had no idea how to communicate openly or of it's importance.
I think it doesn't matter what I believe about marriage. I think this time of recovery involves my belief in MY marriage?

Fuck.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Helpless  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

We JUST went over this in our MC session tonight and it threw me for a loop. I was trying to convey that I have anxiety over not feeling protected and not feeling like I have 100% trust in the one person I should, without a doubt, have trust in. Our MC was trying to tell me that there is absolutely NO ONE you can trust except yourself. While that's true, I couldn't wrap my mind around never feeling like I had, without a doubt, one person that *had my back* no matter what. My WS completely agrees with her 100%.

So on the car ride home, I say to WS, so what about marriage vows? For Better or for Worse? How can you say those things, in church, in front of God...but now say "well if it gets too bad, I'm gone"?? How can you do that?

And I also asked him what about our kids? What if they get difficult? Do you just bail? He looks at me like I've lost my marbles and says "the kids are different, I would never leave them" Well, how do you know? How can you say that with 100% accuracy if you can't say that to me AFTER PROMISING ME THAT? Why are the kids different than YOUR WIFE?? I always operated under the belief that while your kids SAFETY AND WELL BEING has to be your top priority, your husband/wife is the *FIRST* person in your life. You are a team.

So this just shakes up my whole belief system and all the reasons why I believed in marriage to begin with. Why even HAVE marriage vows if you aren't going to abide by them when the going gets tough???

I don't even know what I want to do or where to go with this info. I almost want to 180 for a bit to get my barings, because this has shaken me up so much.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 16 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 206 | Registered: Aug 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

My vows are only as strong as I am. fWH's vows were only as strong as he was.

I have emotional health, self-awareness, and self-worth. I can recognize my mistakes, and I'm good at reaching out for help and support.

fWH had emotional damage, unhealthy coping mechanisms and low self-esteem. He was too insecure to admit his weaknesses and seek help.

When fWH said his vows, he meant them and fully intended to keep them. But, saying vows doesn't magically erase emotional damage or give you self-worth.

The vows of broken people are easily broken.

The vows of whole people remain whole.

I know that's a simplification, but it's the way I see my situation. Now that fWH is reaching out for help, healing himself and being honest with himself, his vows are worth a lot more than they were pre-A.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I know that's a simplification
Very good, sailorgirl. I often find the simple answers are the ones that hold the most truth, at least for me thats the way it seems to work.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Oh the vows. You know I thought about them for a while post d-day. Truth is there are bunch of them, said different ways and within different contexts. The base of them all is the same however. We are in this together. In the good and bad times we turn to each other an not other people. Screwing around is not part of the equation.

When my W and I were getting M'd we talked about the insanity of the promise. I mean its really big. Anything could happen. Well, anything did happen along with a whole punch of other stuff. In my estimation, because she stopped being an ass and started treating herself and me with respect again I am calling this a bad time and granting her grace. She doesn't deserve it, but she gets it because she M'd a great guy and after she chose the wrong path she owned it and has made the appropriate adjustments.

Love should have a short term memory. Forgiveness is not a grand event but instead happens over time and is earned. I love my W, in the entire life time/commitment sense and she has earned forgiveness by owning her actions, becoming vigilant of her own behaviors (so I don't have to) and by giving me more of what I want in our relationship.
She in turn get an awesome husband, father and partner.
Its a pretty good deal.

take care...



Posts: 1426 | Registered: Jan 2012
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Sailor Girl - very nice. Top shelf.



Posts: 1426 | Registered: Jan 2012
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Very nicely put sailorgirl.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4106 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

yep, sailorgirl has stated some sound wisdom....like to have a coffee with her!

...and what Wert stated about love having a short term memory and forgiveness being slowly earned over time is worth recognizing as wisdom as well!

I feel I am ready to say I forgive my wife now...12 months after DD.

I think I am at forgiveness with her because I no longer have the extreme rage when I see her or think of her affair. I have a new sense of compassion and saddness revolving around the whole event. One thing I read recently is that you know when you have arrived at forgiveness when you see the offending person (WS) and your reaction is one of compassion and pity.

Funny, up until me actually feeling like that...I kinda thought forgiving my wife would be this triumphant victory.....

....for me, forgiveness came in as quietly as someone taking their last breath.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I used to believe in marriage. Not just as a bonding of 2 people in love but as a contract and a commitment. My parents had been married for 25 years when I was married, WH's parents had been married for 26. They have both recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary (We had to attend his parent's 50th less than a month post D-day - That was fun).

So I have seen what a long term dedicated marriage can look like. It is not all a bed of roses. Things change. Love wavers. I think there were times my parents barely spoke but they worked through it because that's what marriage is. It is a commitment. It isn't about always being happy. it isn't about seeking your pleasure. It is about being partners in life, supporting, caring and committing yourself to each other. Or at least that is what I thought.

But now, I don't know. Obviously WH didn't feel the same. Maybe his parent's marriage was different. Maybe I was wrong and that marriage should be about seeking your passion and when your partner doesn't suit you, you should just chuck it and start over.

Because after the affair, I don't know if I have that commitment anymore. The contract was broken. I have an out. WH is going to have to do a lot of convincing in order for me to believe in the kind of marriage I used to believe in.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

((roses303))

I can just imagine how NOT fun that anniversary gathering was for you.

Thanksgiving and Christmas of last year was so very painful and awkward for me...sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of my sister in laws home....ugh.

What I wonder...and it is only a wonder because both of our parents divorced after about the same length of marriage and when wife and I were about the same age....is those couples like your parents, what trials did they work through?

If statistics are close to correct....odds are many couples experience infidelity. And this is such a painful experience that many folks keep it from being public knowledge. If you divorce it is easy enough o discern. But if you stick together it is likely no one outside of the marriage will really know the trials you went through.

Since my wifes affair I have viewed this long standing married couples differently. I have always respected them, but my level of respect has deepened substantially as I take time to realize that it was most likely NOT all fun and roses...and that real trials are a part of their union.

For the record I don't think chucking it and seeking your passion is the key to healthy, deep intimacy...I say that based on two actual experiences of mine. First my wifes adultery...her passion was her AP for a short time...look how that worked out for her. Second, I DID that in my dating single life...starting in high school. When another girl caught my eye I would leave my current GF for the other girl...didn't work out either.

I have asked myself...out of all the sin that can affect my marriage, why did it have to be adultery? The one and only sin in the bible that allows D and the breaking of the marriage union to take place. So spiritually we have the way out of our marriage if we so seek it.

Any chance you can tap into your parents and get some of their wisdom so as to avoid the painful way of actual experiencing something to gain that same wisdom?

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Tired05
Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I agree with a few posters. My WH broke one of the 'biggies', but I stopped being as attentive and didn't work to show my affection as much, so it can be argued that I didn't uphold all of my vows as well. We were 18 and 19 when we got married, so I definitely believe that I didn't know as much as I do now about how much work you must put into a marriage (in fact, I didn't have a clue)...howevever, I was thinking forever when I was at the altar (but then again, I guess not too many people actually think to themselves "alright, this is just the first marriage out of many that I will have"). My WH's cheating started almost a year before we were married. It was a ONS with some random chick and then a short PA with a Mow of one of his good friends at that point. He stood up there at the altar in front of all of our family and friends, even though he knew that he had no qualms cheating, and lied through his teeth. Even though he had no problem helping another married woman cheat on her husband...in their own home. Sure, he was probably employing the infamous WS's compartmentalism "talent"...but still.

I asked him what he was thinking on that day and he says that the fact that he had cheated never even crossed his mind and it didn't bother him in the very slightest while standing under the altar. No guilt, no shame, not even sadness or fear, nothing but happy wedding feelings. Honesly...that scares me more than him saying that the whole day he felt like shit on the inside.

I feel like I was conned. I had a counterfit marriage from the start. My entire marriage started off with this big secret lurking in the background. I didn't marry the person that I thought I was marrying that day. I now feel like I might as well have been standing beside a stranger that day. Sure, I had seen some of the red flags, and the fact that I was so young is probably why I didn't realize that they were red flags flapping in my face, but I thought I had "one of the good ones" and he would never do such a thing.

Honestly, if I had a time machine, I would go back and make myself not marry him at the very least. The only thing that makes me hesitate to say that is my daughter.

I know i'm not a few months from the last dday, but I feel like I signed myself up for a gym membership without checking the place out. Then, for the first four years everything appeared to be very orderly and I was proud to be a member of this gym...but then someone ripped off my very dark sunglasses, and for the first time, I got a look at the scene around me. Floor boards missing, lights flickering on and off, half of the equipment is broken, trash hidden in place, and all of the personal trainers are all of the APs.

ETA: To address the "be together for better or for worse part"...

Putting aside any of the physical parts of the As, I feel like there was quite a while where I was actually alone in the M. My WH bought OW an engagement ring and made a child with her...then when I found out and said that I was not sharing, he decided to "leave" while I was 7 months pregnant. Of course, since he was overseas and we were long distance anyways, it really amounted to him change his relationship status on his FB and me throwng out things like "oh your fiancee doesn't want you to talk to me anymore? Then you should listen to your fiancee who is carrying your child instead of your wife who is carrying your child". This 'separation' lasted just a little over a month, then he decided that he wanted back in the M (of course he just took the A underground but that's besides the point). If you can picture the 'for better or worse' part as handcuffs, he already took his off and left me standing there staring while still deparately trying to find someway to hold on to the cuffs. Even though now he is trying to duct tape the cuffs back around his wrist, the fact that it came undone in the first place still remains.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 6:32 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 32