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Reconciliation
User Topic: Avoiding a downward spiral
Cliffhanger101
New Member
Member # 40218
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

We've had a pretty good last few weeks. WH and I have been reading and discussing a book I feel has been helpful.

However, over the last week, I've progressively felt more down. I've had more trouble with mind movies, D-day flashbacks, etc. Of course, I've been rollercoastering all along, but it had seemed to slow a bit until recently.

In an effort to curtail the nosedive, I've been talking more. My WH has been willing to listen and help. However, I was unable to escape the downward pull, and I hit rock bottom again yesterday. I'm really having some problems pulling back out of this one today.

Has anyone found anything to be helpful in regaining ground once you feel it start to slip away?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CliffHanger101
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

I am sorry you are struggling.

To answer your question, unfortunately no. Something would work once or twice then the next time wouldn't work. We would try and figure out a solution, a plan but we never found anything that consistently worked.

Talking was one of the most useful things. Extra physical attention worked sometimes. Playing with our kids helped sometimes. Physical exercise helped sometimes.

At one time early on my tagline quote was "The feeling that I want to let go of really need to let go of me". That is kinda what it was like. I needed to feel what I was feeling and move through it and let it pass on its own. It can be discouraging and crazy making. It does get a lot better with time.

Hang in there. You can survive this.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
Patchy
Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Unfortunately you can probably expect the roller coaster effect for quite some time. It's only been a little more than 2 1/2 months since your Dday and it just plain takes a long time for the roller coaster to come to a halt.

I've also been through periods where it seemed I was not only doing better, but thought maybe it would "stick" this time, only to revert back to the mind movies and the depression. Luckily we do have those better days that give us hope. We have to cherish them when they come and while eventually they really will stick, we have to be prepared that we may go downhill again.

We've had a bomb go off in our house and we're covered in gaping wounds. It's going to take time to clear out the rubble and heal from those wounds.

I just posted a couple of exercises my counselor recommended to me today. Maybe you'd want to consider them as well. My post is called "Beating the hell out of an enlarged photo of the OW".

{{{Cliffhanger101}}}


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
Cliffhanger101
New Member
Member # 40218
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Chico,
Thanks. That's what I figured. It seems like the answer is always time and riding it out. Not great for an inpatient person. Sigh.

Patchy,
I did read your OW post. I found it interesting and amusing. Definitely something to think about. I would like to beat the heck out of something right now. I also liked your bomb analogy. This really is a violent sort of thing.

Thanks for the help and support!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CliffHanger101
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

OMG Patchy. . .the title of the post alone made me feel better!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

OMG Patchy. . .the title of the post alone made me feel better!

Cliffhanger, sounds like you are doing all the right things. Yoga has been a godsend for me, and I do it with fWH. Exercise, reading Buddhist writing (Pema Chodron). We have similar DDays. . . Keep the faith!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

My recovery has depended on reframing. For me, a 'downward spiral' - I used to think in terms of a roller coaster constantly going down - is just pain coming to the surface.

Since I also think that pain either gets stored in the body or gets felt and released, the process of coming to the surface is the process of feeling and releasing the pain, which is a Very Good Thing.

Addiction to emotional pain may be a real danger. I use SI's 2-5 year guideline as a measuring tool. I let the pain flow for most of 2 years. (I tried to stop it about a year out. Instead of feeling better, I felt worse over a period of a couple of months, so I resumed letting the pain flow.) Now, 31 months out and in the middle of the A season, I still welcome the pain when it comes, but I'm in less and less pain as time goes on, so I assume I did not get addicted.

YMMV - but have some faith in yourself. You're human being ... you're built to heal.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10434 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Cliffhanger101
New Member
Member # 40218
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Sisoon,

You're human being ... you're built to heal

That's great! I really like that.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CliffHanger101
Topic Posts: 8