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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Therapist's advice
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

My therapist made a good point to me today that I want to share. We were discussing my anger at the situation my WW has put me in and her attitude about the affair. My therapist pointed out that my anger riles me up, but that there is no resolution to what is angering me since I have no power over what my wife does/says. So ultimately the lack of resolution leads to a feeling of powerlessness, which brings me down. This is what happened over the weekend. I had a blow-up with the WW on Saturday and then was really down all the way through until today.

So it is a cycle. The powerlessness of the situation I am facing makes me angry. The lack of the response I hope for from the WW leaves me feeing powerless, which then leads back into anger.

It makes sense to me. So I a going to be trying to work on the anger piece and try to be less responsive. I guess that is the key to 180.

Anyway, hope this makes sense. It did to me.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Makes sense. The lack of power & control makes me angry as well. Add in the sense of unfairness and I can be pretty miserable at times. It fades as the years (OMG, years at this point!) roll on.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Yes, just be careful not to hold onto the anger. It needs to be released once in a while. Try to find a constructive way to do that. I yanked weeds-I actually had a weed free lawn at one time . When The anger was very strong I used a heavy bag, a nerf bat against a tree trunk, and I chopped wood-we don't have a fireplace. It really helped to have those outlets when I felt like I was angry all the time.

My therapist made the comment anger turned inward becomes depression. I didn't need any more depression.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

One of the first A-Ha moments I had in IC was when my therapist told me "You cant control other peoples actions. All you can do is control how you react to them" Seems like your allowing the WW actions to dictate your emotions. And most likely this is the reaction she was/is looking for. Time to change that around. Next time don't react. Don't give her that satisfaction. Even if you have to fake it till you make it. 180 time my man. Try it, you will see that ignoring her makes your life better. And a side benefit is that it also pisses the WS off to no end.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5675 | Registered: Nov 2007
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I too have been very angry. It has fueled me though. Without it, I think I would have been in a straight jacket in the looney bin somewhere drooling jello.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I too was engaging with Mr. Integrity this way. I wanted him to "get it" and validate me and understand the gravity of the situation. When he didn't, I would get madder and madder and madder.

Then I realized that I was feeding him. I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wants a reason to blame me for our problems, to justify why our marriage is going to be over.

Me saying in the direct aftermath of his confession: "I hate you and I would have rather you died than know this is who really are and that I have to continue to have you in life bc of the kids.." well he has been hanging his hat on that one for weeks now. In Divorce therapy, when asked if there was any chance of R- he says "she said he hates me. She kicked me out, she changed the locks, she hates me and has so much vitrol and scorn for me, too much damage has been done..."blah blah blah.

My angry words gave him exactly what he wants- which is a way to not look like it was all his fault. A way to drag me into the ugliness so he can get out of it easier and not take responsibility.

Once I realized that engagement and that anger was helping him, I was better able to stop. I still slip up and engage at times, because I am human and hurting. But it keeps me in check. It is a bit of a game unfortunately....


TRY IT!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Sleepless...exactly! A huge part of my wife's justification is that I am an "angry ass" (this is straight out of the email that led to my learning about the A). My therapist pointed out that every time I get angry I justify that view, clouding every positive attribute she has chosen to ignore. Ultimately it doesn't matter, since I can't control her decisions, but having the focus be on me because of the anger takes any self-reflection that she could be doing away.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

You have to play nice. I know, easier said than done... (at one point right after his confession I said I better not ever see you together or I would rip her head off and stuff it up his ass...and that was one of the nicer things I said.)

Pretend you are an actor. My friend said, pretend you are starring in this movie called" Gone Girl." Be so nice and calm, like a chilly lake on still morning. If you act like the old you, she will have to own her actions.

Believe it or not, his mother is the one that gave me that advice. She said, "it can only work to your advantage to be the old you- he can't try to turn things around that way."

It is super hard to do. I had so much hate pouring out of me at the last Divorce Therapist meeting, it was palpable. He was/is terrified of me, and he should be. I am a house of fire....

But I will do better next time. I am starting to get it, and this is a game I can win...


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I'm trying to learn to let go of things over which I have no control. It's my new mantra. Not just with STBXWH but with my college age children and others. It's really helping me to focus on what is best for me and helping to keep me sane.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 8